Peter's advice

by Noodlejelly

Peter’s sick of Voldie’s overwhelming success at everything, so in an attempt to rival him he’s taking drastic measures. Yes that’s right, he’s setting up his own advice column, so drop by and tell Peter your secrets and he’ll be sure to help

5. Peter writes again

 A/N: So I haven't updated for, um, oh let's call it a year. That sounds bad but there's a wonderful explanation, quite what it is I'm not sure, but it's definitely wonderful. Anyway hello again, a brief recap as to what this fic is about. Peter is now an advice columnist so send him your letters and with his lifetime of useful experience in every situation he's sure to be able to help you somehow. Now on with the show

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Dear my one and only love,

OH PETER PETTIGREW! I ABSOLUTELY ADORE YOU!! PLEASE THROW ME DOWN AND RAVISH ME ON YOUR ..erm.. COLUMN WRITING DESK!! I love the way you betrayed your friends, that was soooo hot. Will you betray me too? I hope so. Maybe I'll betray you too! Wouldn't that be fun? It could be a game. Please Marry Me.

-You're biggest, prettiest, most scheming fan. I LOVE YOU!!

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Dear marriage proposal number 37 this week

Now let's get something straight, betrayal is not a game and should not be attempted by anyone other than highly trained professionals. I myself would happy to train you for a reasonable fee. Marriage depends on your looks and wealth, after all a handsome bloke like me doesn't want to end up with some ugly mutt. However, I am receptive to the idea of ravishing you, how does Friday afternoon next week sound?

Peter, currently clearing space on his desk

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Yo P. Funk -
Can you lend me $5,000 in cash? I need it for drugs.

Signed,
Way Doped-up Witch

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Dear weird witch

Drugs? My good god, woman, you need help. If you gained $5,000 then you should invest it in making more money, a good way to do this would be to possibly become a drugs trafficker (but not take the drugs yourself), although this is a risky career and the possibility of been detained in an overnight prison is high. But as for the money, I will gladly lend you $5000 on my very reasonable interest rates. Let me run you through the basic repayment package, after the first week the payback price goes up 200%, second week I get to own your family and third week I send you to Voldie to be his general slave. Let me know just when you'd like to sign on the dotted line.

Your local loan-rat

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Dear Mr. Tail,
I have lived in a mountain cave since I graduated from my school. Everything has been fine until I found out I was rich. Now I'm in a dilemma: should I go back to civilization and be oppressed by society -- richly, though -- or stay in my calm cave and live life without worries?
Yours truly,
Ina Notherworld

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Dear Cave dweller

This is really very simple, use the money to turn your simple cave into a fortress of luxurious living. This way you can avoid all those annoying people you have no desire to see, in fact if you hired dementors to guard the fortress gates then you could get rid of them for good.

Don't forget to invite me over in summer, your good friend Peter

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Dear Wormtail
One day I was all alone polishing my 11-inch wand, when my mom walked in, she told me that I should have used Trojan polish, what do you think? I'm trying to avoid chafing and excess heat build-up. Please help!

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When polishing one's wand, one must follow the simple sacred set of rules that were once taught to me by a certain James Potter (nice to know that he did some good in this world before his unfortunate demise)

1. You must always make sure to lock your door; mad fan-girls may be after your wand and so must be restrained (that final bit may just apply to me)

2. If it is at all possible you should try and find a lovely witch to share the wand with. The chat-up line 'Fancy polishing my 11-ich wand' should work wonders

3. You should never listen to your mother when she tries to advise you on wand polishing tips or on possible careers. Mother's are old and wrinkly and generally embarrassing (and don't realise that being a deatheater is a fine job even if it has a somewhat limited wardrobe)

Happy polishing, from Peter

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Dear WORMhole,
(nice reply, btw)
Would you happen to have a picture of a certain white rat with one silver paw's locale? If so please send it to me via owl post.
Here's the place-
smallest bedroom
4 Privet Drive
Little Whinging
Surrey
And now, V wants to say something-
I think it's you who should be careful about insults, you filthy, blundering excuse for a servant.-Voldie the Great
HP, HG, RW, SB, Hogwarts Staff, Voldie, and the MOM

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Hmm, just let me check. Nope, I'm all out of photos at the moment. However can I interest you in a signed secret box of Peter's powder? It's my new invention, guaranteed to kill all small annoying brats and ex-employers who have terrible working conditions. As for the Ministry of Magic, oh no, I'm so scared, oh wait, no I'm not. To you I don't even exist, I'm dead, remember? Come on, try and charge a dead man with some trumped up charge, I dare you.

By the way, Voldie you should remember just who it was who gave you your life back. Without me you'd still only be as powerful as that Longbottom lad (not at all). As the saying goes, I made you and I can break you too

From Peter who is writing his autobiography, 'The man who created the Dark Lord'

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To a certain idiotic rat (you're anything but dear):
A joint message in part from all of your haters, which include three of the most powerful wizards on the earth, two extremely angry godparents who are both after your blood, and two ghosts who you just /happened/ to have killed:
Either turn yourself into the ministry, torture yourself to insanity, or jump into a lake.
From your neighborhood "We-Hate-Pettigrew" workshop.

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Dear my local hate group (I was taught manners as a child)

My my aren't you big-headed. Schoolkid, Bumblebee and Voldie, three most powerful wizards on earth? I haven't laughed so much in years, two of you will have heart attacks pretty damn soon and the other is probably too concerned with girls and spots to even remember how to duel. Godparents you should learn your lesson and stop trying to act like heroes, hasn't gone very well for you so far has it? As for the ghosts who I didn't actually kill, I just betrayed you, what are you going to do, haunt me forever? Oooo scary, I'm shaking in my brand new boots (bought with earnings from this very column)

From your neighbourhood hunk

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My Illustrious Mentor-

I thank you once again for you guidance. In your last reply, you asked the identity of the individual(s) present in my juicy little piece of blackmail material. It is indeed incriminating photographs of the Minister of Magic, in a most compromising position, and while Albus Dumbledore is himself not present, his phoenix Fawkes, does play a rather prominent role in the sordid goings on.

Please find a copy of said picture enclosed, with my compliments.

Your inquiry gave me a most intriguing idea. Why not digitally edit said photographic evidence to include whomever we wish? I am, my dashing mentor, looking into this very promising possibility as we speak. In the meantime, I have a few more questions for your most enlightening column:

It seems from other letters in you column that there are a good number of people trying to kill you. What is your most successful method of evading them? Am I, as your faithful follower, allowed to kill/maim/disembowel anyone who succeeds in hurting you, or should I express my grief by initiating a full character assassination with my newfound skills in digitally created blackmail material? I do not know how to put this with out sounding like the simpering fangirls found in other advice columns of this type, but I'm certain all you fans want to know: Are you...available?

Your most devoted, and furiously blushing follower,

Lady Piper

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Dear Lady Piper

Fudge, the old saucepot. I never knew he had it in him. Although he did once touch my knee in what I felt was a rather lewd attempt at seduction, but that's another story.

You'll find that a number of these people threatening to kill me are in fact far too chicken to carry out their threats. After all they are meant to be on the 'good' side, so killing anyone would be morally wrong and cause them guilt and pain. As for Voldie, I feel confident that with my new fitness regime in place and going well, I will be able to easily outrun the old fool (now with bus pass and zimmerframe) if he tries anything. After all if he can't catch me, then he can't curse me.

I am as yet undecided about killing my enemies, of course I want them dead, I just don't want to have to do it myself, but if you wanted to then I feel it only right that I should support you. Perhaps you should kill someone like Potter and then release the digitally edited photos that show he was in fact Voldie's secret lover plotting to take over Hogwarts. Then people would be so grateful that you scuppered his evil plans, they'll completely forget you also killed him. I realise that this would be hard work, but if anyone can do it, it's you.

As for available, it depends who to. To anyone who wants to kill me, then no I'm not. But any good-looking girls, who want to throw themselves adoringly at my feet, won't be turned away. However it should be noted that I am not good at any kind of relationship that involved trust or commitment, especially the trust part; betrayal is more than likely.

From Peter, you Lord and Master and possibly your future lover

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Peter,

You forgot to feed Nagini yesterday! She is very hungry and is quite partial to rat.

Your Dark Lord,
Voldemort

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Then I suggest you go out and catch some yourself, because this particular rat is staying right where he is, laughing at your sorry ass. Bet you're sorry you were so nasty now that you have to do your own dirty work

And I've always wondered why exactly you're a Lord, do you belong to the muggle peerage or something? Because you can't just call yourself Lord on a whim

Your Leaping Lord

Peter

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Dear Mr. Wormtail,
I have recently been offered a job as an Advice Columnist from a maybe insane Editor of a Newspaper; Due to the fact that I've discovered that I am somewhat bored with being the minion of this really pathetic Darklord who with my son (I think he has a crush on that Potter boy) have taken to hanging around the boy they should be trying to kill, I'm actually considering it. Is there any advice you could give me?
A soon to be former Deatheater.

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Lucius,

Don't be so defeatist. Sure your son hates your guts, fancies other men and is sucking your bank account dry. And you work for a maniac who will probably get you killed quite soon. But look at the good things, for example your wife …. Actually she's cheated on you with anything that breathes, but she sure is damn good in the sack if you catch my drift nudge nudge, wink wink.

Ok so there are no good things, grasp that job with both hands, insanity is no obstacle, on the contrary your boss will no doubt soon be carted off to the loony bin leaving you free to start plotting revenge on all those who have ever wronged you.

A fellow man disillusioned with Dark Lords

P.S. Plotting revenge on me, is not advisable, I always get out of it somehow

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Peter-
What is the best way to roast a rat?
The dog star

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Dear canine breath

There are so many ways that I feel it would be cruel to do anything other than refer you to my wonderful new cooking book, 'Betrayal, cooking and dog baiting', which is available in all good bookshops. However, I should advise former Azkaban escapees who are on the run, against holding large feasts of rat or even lighting fires, as the smoke would undoubtedly give your hiding position away to some lovely people who want to kiss you (I use the term people lightly, dark hooded soulless fiends may be more appropriate) and we wouldn't want that to happen, well not too much.

Mighty Rat

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*transcription of message in red Howler envelope*

PETER ALOUISHUS PETTIGREW!!!!
HOW COULD YOU PUT ME THROUGH SOMETHING LIKE THIS!!! THEY TELL ME YOU'RE DEAD AND THEN SEND ME A SEVERED FINGER TO BURY AND TELL ME YOU WERE DEAD AND THAT THAT WAS ALL THAT WAS LEFT AND I CRY AND MOURN AND VISIT YOUR GRAVE EVERY MEMORIAL DAY SINCE THEN ONLY TO FIND OUT YOU'VE BEEN LIVING AS A RAT FOR THE PAST DECADE AND DIDN'T BOTHER TO TELL YOU OWN MOTHER!!!! AND AS FOR ALL THIS DARK LORD BUSINESS, YOU'D BETTER HAVE A PRETTY GOOD EXPLANATION FOR THAT MISTER! I'VE BEEN WORRIED SICK SINCE I FOUND OUT YOU WERE ALIVE! AS SOON AS I FIND OUT WHAT YOU DID WITH GRANNY PETTIGREW, WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A GOOD LONG CONVERSATION ABOUT YOUR CONDUCT YOUNG MAN!!

Loves and kisses
Mum

P.S. AND DON'T THINK I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU TRYING TO KILL THAT POOR POTTER BOY.
P.P.S. Eat your vegetables.

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To my dearest bestest mummy

I sent you a letter explaining everything, honestly, it must have been lost in the post, you know what the post service is like nowadays, damn owls, so unreliable.

Anyway you were always the one telling me to do something with my life and I have. How many other mothers can say that their son not only works for the Daily Prophet, knows what colour boxers the Dark Lord wears (red with blue stars) and is an animagus. I bet it's not more than four, you should be grateful to me for been such an ambitious lad and trying to bring money and power to his family. I bet Dad would be really proud of me, if he hadn't run off with the cleaner.

And he's not a poor Potter boy, he's a rich brat who stopped me from coming home to visit my dear mummy

Granny says hi, she's doing fine, she's very happy with her new family in Russia, they even let her eat on Sunday's now

Your little boy, Petey

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A/N: Well there we have it another chapter. If you send more letters then I absolutely promise that you won't have to wait anywhere near the year you did last time. Honestly ():)