The lamest explanation ever in the history of story writing: Vexerunt coniunctim Scapha magica

Disclaimer: Surprising thought this may be, I don't actually own any part of the Harry Potter empire

A/N: It was only a month since I last updated and that's quite good for me, you of course might disagree and that is your right. So this isn't going to be anyone's favourite chapter but it should tie up loose ends, or at least make a really lame half-hearted attempt to do so and then the fun starts again, I promise the next chapter will make you laugh

Oooo 4000 words, aren't you the lucky ones?

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A loud hammering arose Remus Lupin from where he was snoozing in front of the fire, realising that it was in fact someone at the door and not some weird dream he answered it to come face to face with Harry

'Where's Sirius?' Harry asked panting, out of breath from his long run

'He's out' Remus said simply showing no surprise as he allowed Harry into his small front room

'Professor Lupin, I mean Mr Lupin, it's important, I need to see him now' Harry said hovering in the doorway

'I assure you he will be back soon, please sit down' Remus said as he took his own advice and sank back down into his tatty and very old armchair scrutinising Harry closely

'I'll stand' Harry said

'I insist you sit, I'd feel a bad host otherwise. Tell me what you've been up to' Remus said forcefully but with a small tight smile on his face, and Harry taken aback by the rather threatening nature of Remus in his own home sat silently in the chair next to him

'Nothing much' Harry said shortly with a shrug

'I rather think duelling Voldemort is something' Remus pointed out, taking Harry completely by surprise with the calm manner in which he said it and the fact that he knew at all

'Oh' Harry said rather lamely

'Oh indeed, it was naïve of you to think that nobody would find out about that. Is it what you're here to talk to Sirius about?' Remus asked fixing Harry with a stern look that made the younger man feel extremely uncomfortable and wonder why of all the places in the world he could have come, he had chosen this run down shack in the middle of nowhere

'No'

'In that case I will address the issue. Voldemort is not somebody who will be intimidated just because you wear a leather jacket, he is a dangerous man and you should try to avoid him rather than seeking out confrontations' there was no humour and no attempt to protect Harry's feelings in the manner in which Remus spoke

'I thought that was my job, defeat Voldemort whatever the cost' Harry said very sullenly

'I will concede that you are undeniable linked with Voldemort, but this is no excuse for your actions, this isn't a game'

'Life's just a game' Harry said slouching in his seat and not expecting the sharp torrent of response that Remus was about to give

'This is not the time for smart comments, you may suddenly think you're unbeatable and better than everyone else simply because you have an attitude problem, but you're wrong. There are many people wiser and brighter than you are and some who remain magically stronger than you, such as Voldemort. People look to you as a source of hope and guidance, but you cannot single-handedly defeat the world's evil, however if you pull yourself together, you can be a great help. Do you understand?' Remus finished speaking and looked intently at an extremely stunned Harry who seemed to be taking time to digest all he'd just heard

'Yeah' Harry said rather quietly, finally meeting Remus' eyes and looking a little bit scared, which brought a small brief smile to Remus' face

'Sirius is back now. I'll leave you two alone. I hope next time we meet, it'll be under happier circumstances' Remus' werewolf senses could apparently sense even the quietest and stealthiest Azkaban escapees and he stood up to go and inform Sirius that they had an unexpected late night visitor

'It can't be any worse' Harry said looking very downtrodden, Remus paused briefly in the doorway long enough to turn back with his eyes full of pain and mutter

'Luckily you do not remember just how much worse it can be'

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'Sirius you have to help me' Harry babbled furiously jumping up as soon as Sirius entered the room, Sirius looked very surprised and firmly sat Harry back down

'Relax, I know what your problem is' the escaped convict (who was now a bit less lean and had long hair again which kept falling into his eyes) said calmly as he took a seat opposite his godson

'You do? What?' Harry asked, he hadn't expected such an easy answer

You're feeling sorry for yourself and the solution is simple, shallow your mistaken pride, say you're sorry and admit you were wrong' Sirius said it as though it was the simplest thing in the world to do

'No, never' Harry said filled with horror, he very clearly felt that saying sorry would be the hardest course of action. He might feel bad for how he'd treat them, but saying sorry would just be too hard

'Do you want to have your friends back or not?' Sirius asked simply

'Yes but…' Harry started to waver and Sirius saw this and jumped in

'Harry you know that your parents died to give you this chance of life, if you screw this up just because of a few silly arguments then I'll have failed them and even worse I'll have failed my duty to you as a godfather'

'I…' words failed Harry, he had never seen Sirius been this openly emotional with him before and it had completely thrown him, he could only vaguely remember glimpses and flashes of happy emotions before now and they had all been with Ron and Hermione, who now hated him. But Sirius had been watching Harry and was now confident that everything would be fine

'You'll do it, I know you will. You're a good boy Harry, you make mistakes we all do, it's when you make the same mistake twice that people will get angry. You need to talk to Dumbledore and get yourself sorted out and apologise to McGonagall while you're at it' Sirius said with great conviction that Harry really would do all these things, he may not have much faith in the Ministry but in his Godson he was unmoveable

'Heard about that did you?' Harry said rather sheepishly fidgeting in his seat

'Have you not learnt yet? Nothing you do in the wizarding world is secret. And you know that I didn't help you become an animagus so that you could perform party tricks' Sirius said, his voice sounding stern and serious but his eyes betraying the fact that he had found the McGonagall and Harry's lion story rather amusing

'I'm sorry Sirius, it won't happen again' Harry said sincerely and Sirius' face broke out into an extremely rare broad grin

'See that didn't hurt too much, did it?' Sirius declared happily and Harry shook his head in agreement. 'Now you better be getting back to Hogwarts before you get into trouble, I'm going away again for a while, but I'll come and see you at Christmas if I can' he said looking much graver as he prepared to leave the room

'Sirius' Harry said hesitantly

'Yes' Sirius turned back with his cloak in his hand, actually it was an old cloak of Remus' by the look of it, but that wasn't the point

'I…Thanks, I'm going to make this up to you, I promise'

'Harry I broke out of Azkaban for you, I'm not going to quit just because you broke a few school rules' Sirius said firmly trying to convince Harry of his words

'All but eleven' Harry admitted bashfully (even though in his defence, Ron and Hermione had broken a lot of the same rules) and Sirius' eyebrow shot up in amazement but he seemed rather proud in a strange sort of way

'Harry, I'm not giving up on you, not ever.' And with that reassurance Sirius was gone and Harry was left to sort out the mess he had made at Hogwarts on his own never knowing exactly how Remus had found out about his fight with Voldemort but having a worrying suspicion that if Remus knew, then Dumbledore would too

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A few hours later Harry was back at Hogwarts and searching for a teacher who would tell him the password to Dumbledore's office, he hoped to find somebody like Flitwick but as luck would have it the only teacher around was McGonagall who was still in her classroom. Looking on the bright side she was still better than Snape, but not by much

'Erm, hello Professor McGonagall' Harry said rather tentatively as he stepped into the room

'Good day Mr Potter' McGonagall looked up from the pile of papers on the desk with a small frown across her face

'Are you busy?' Harry asked as politely as he could

'Yes' she said very sharply

'Oh' Harry said not knowing what to say next, but McGonagall who realised he was still stood there spoke again

'Did you want something or have you come to apologise for all the disruption you have caused this year' she asked very sarcastically

'Yes of course, I really am so very sorry about that and I promise you it will never happen again if I could just see Dumbledore' Harry said quickly and looking very sincere

'Do you really expect me to believe that?' McGonagall gave a snort of derision, she had heard all about how Harry had tricked Trewlaney, and if he thought a McGonagall would be fooled he was very wrong

'Well, yes' Harry said with a shrug of confusion as to what he could do, McGonagall then proceeded to stare at him as though she were competing in the grand final of the World staring championships. This only served to confuse Harry further as he looked over his shoulder to try and see what McGonagall was glaring at, he finally decided that she had some kind of medical disorder.

'I will take you to Dumbledore but only because he has asked to see you anyway' McGonagall said standing up with an exasperated sigh as she finally gave up glaring at Harry as it was having little effect

'Thank you' Harry said with a nervous smile following McGonagall into the corridor, hoping that McGonagall's medical disorder wasn't going to turn her into some kind of psychopathic murderer

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'Mr Potter, sit down, we have not spoken this year' Dumbledore said gravely as the gargoyle sprung silently aside to reveal Harry waiting in the doorway and McGonagall hurrying back to her classroom

'I suppose not' Harry said evenly entering the office

'However I have heard increasingly worrying accounts of your behaviour and feel it is time we discussed it'

'Snape squealed' Harry accused immediately, scowling with dislike

'Nobody has done anything of the sort, but I do rather wish that somebody had as you so eloquently described it, squealed, it could have saved me much time. But while I would never dream of claiming I know everything that happens here, in fact far from it, I do still know a lot, especially where you are concerned'

'What are you a spy or something?' Harry narrowed his eyes suspiciously, it would be fair to say that he was getting rather paranoid, probably as a result of Sirius and Mad-Eye-Moody

'You have broken a lot of rules this year and while you have received special treatment so far, this behaviour will no longer be tolerated. I know a lot more than you seem to think I do about your activities' Dumbledore completely ignored Harry's remark as he spoke very sternly

'What the hell do you know?' Harry asked smirking seriously doubting that Dumbledore knew anything at all when it came to him

'I know about your fights with friends and Mr Malfoy, I know where you were last night, I know of your behaviour in lessons, I know about the potion and I know you are better than this' Dumbledore said and Harry had just been about to make a sharp retort when something Dumbledore had said hit him

'You know about the potion?' Harry questioned looking amazed, feeling the anger rush from him to be replaced with the cold dread of fear

'I do now and perhaps I am at fault for not realising sooner, but I am not as young as I was and I had assumed you were merely experiencing a rebellious streak' Dumbledore said stroking his beard thoughtfully as his intense blue eyes burned into Harry as though reading his soul

'You know about the potion?' Harry repeated suddenly wondering why he had ever wanted the potion to begin with; he was terrified of what the repercussions might be of his actions

'Yes and if you keep taking it you are in grave danger of losing both your friends and personality because you won't be able to stop yourself and I will be forced to consider your place at Hogwarts if I hear you have been making illegal potions again' Dumbledore said leaving Harry in no doubt that he meant it and with some hope that he might be able to stay at Hogwarts after all

'I'll stop taking it' Harry promised sincerely, meaning every word he said and vowing to himself that if he ever even thought about taking the potion ever again he would only have to imagine the disgust on Ron and Hermione's faces when they had looked at him to stop himself

'I believe you but you must hand any boonslang you have left over to Professor Snape, it is an illegal ingredient for any student to have and I think I am right in assuming you do wish to remain a student here' the twinkle was lurking just out of reach in Dumbledore's eyes

'Yes I do sir' Harry said respectfully sounding so much like the old Harry had done that Dumbledore didn't even try this time to prevent the twinkle and smile that returned to his face

'And on other matters, Sirius and Remus both know what they are talking about, you must listen to them. Your motorbike requires both a helmet and a licence and must not be kept on school grounds, earrings are strictly forbidden, your tattoo must be concealed during class time and your animagus form must be registered' Dumbledore certainly knew his school rules, possibly because he had written many of them and he hadn't been lying when he'd said he knew a lot of what went on around Hogwarts

'Thank you professor, I won't let you down' Harry said smiling slightly

'I would hope not, Hogwarts needs you more than you realise' Dumbledore smiled as he led Harry to the door that led back to the rest of the Hogwarts population who still considered Harry to be a maniac

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Now there was only the two most important people in Harry's life to try and make up with, he clambered into the common room and as people moved out of his way either purposely ignoring him or scurrying away from him

'I'd like to explain things' Harry said nervously as he walked over to where Ron and Hermione were studying, Ron completely ignored him

'Did you hear someone talk Ron? Because there's an annoying buzzing round here' Hermione looked straight through Harry

'Please let me explain, after that you have my permission to hate me' Harry begged, knowing that he had no-one to blame but himself for his friends present attitude towards him

'I never needed your permission, now get a move on I'm busy' Hermione snapped so harshly that even Ron looked up in surprise as Harry visibly flinched

'I'm so sorry for everything horrible I've said to you both this year, I was completely out of line and I hate myself for it' Harry said looking a broken man when Ron and Hermione still stared icily back at him

'It's a bit late for sorry' Hermione said with her lips curling in a slight very un-Hermione like sneer

'I know, I just wanted to tell you both why I did it' Harry tried to explain

'Make excuses you mean' Ron said glaring fiercely

'Well maybe, yes, I suppose it all came down to me but I was taking a potion called Vexerunt coniunctim Scapha magica which just made things worse' Harry blurted out desperately preparing himself for that disgust he felt sure was about to come his way from Ron and Hermione

'Huh?' Ron asked looking both suspicious and confused, but Hermione gave a large sigh as her stance visibly softened

'It's like a drug, it can give you bursts of energy, strength and courage but it has serious side-effects on your health and mind. I should have guessed something like that was going on. Why'd you do it Harry?' she asked, Harry knew that it wasn't the right time to ask how she knew about it when it had taken him almost a year to find it but that didn't stop him marvelling at her brilliance

'I spent the whole summer alone after the fourth year thinking of all the things that seem to happen because of me, everyone gets hurt. So I came to the conclusion that if I could be really strong then I could protect everybody, especially you two. And I studied books from the restricted section of the library late at night and finally I found a potion that sounded perfect, it would give you fearlessness and motivation'

'That's illegal' Ron put in, still not looking very convinced by what was going on and looking to Hermione for some sort of signal as to what to do

'I know, I was only going to do it once, but it became addictive and I didn't feel I could get through the day without it. But the fearlessness turned to just not caring about what anybody thought or felt and the motivation became an obsession with my physical strength'

'You mean this is your real body, you didn't drink lots of engorgement potions as well?' Hermione asked looking a lot calmer than before but still slightly suspicious

'No, I just lifted so many weights and drank so many health shakes that it became all I did apart from read books on duelling to win' Harry spoke truthfully and if Ron or Hermione ever wanted to ask the Dursley's for proof of this, then they would discover that Harry had indeed spent most of his summer locked in his room, not that that was unusual

'Why didn't you tell us this, we're your friends we could have helped you' Hermione asked looking hurt and torn between anger and sadness at Harry

'It just got to the stage where I didn't see that I needed help, I just thought I didn't need anybody anymore when in actual fact I needed you both more than ever' Harry said with a tentative smile at them both, which Ron returned after a brief pause

'Well you've got us now, right Hermione?' Ron turned to one of his best friend's for support, it had to be said that once somebody had admitted they were wrong Ron wasn't one to hold a grudge. Harry held his breath as Hermione stared at Harry deep in thought

'Right, we're not losing our best friend just because he made one stupid mistake' Hermione agreed with conviction

'Actually he's made loads of stupid mistakes, remember him asking Cho to the ball, that was hilarious and the time he said the wrong thing in Charms and blew up the desk, even Seamus would have been proud' Ron said laughing at the memories as he tried to move his two best friends back together again to their trio

'What Ron is attempting to say is that we're going to get through this together, so long as you stop taking that potion, I think you'll soon be able to stop wanting to hit everyone' Hermione cut in rolling her eyes at how quickly Ron could change emotions, but realising that she was doing the same thing. But it was hard to stay mad at Harry when he was trying so hard to change

'Ok' Harry agreed with a weak smile of happiness

'Except Malfoy' Ron said as an aside to Harry

'Except Malfoy' Harry repeated dutifully

'Honestly, I mean everyone' Hermione said glaring at both boys

'But he needs to use his strength for something useful and nothing could be better than beating Malfoy into a pile of pulp' Ron protested

'As I was saying I'm sure we can somehow learn to love the extremely good-looking, more powerful and very fanciable friend that you are' Hermione managed the remarkable: to smile at Harry while glaring at Ron for encouraging violence

'Cheers' Harry said, with a glimpse of what Parvati swooned at as his 'ravishing grin'

'Erm I just like you in a strong masculine way' Ron said in a rather gruffer than usual voice, looking extremely worried

'I kinda guessed that' Harry said slowly his grin fading slightly

'Just making sure, we don't want to have any misunderstandings' Ron breathed a sigh of relief as he gave Harry what could be considered a very male show of support, the slap on the shoulder

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A/N: Well there it was, chapter 7

Some notes to reviewers:

Mogliecat – This one might have been kinda sad as well, but honestly from now on it'll be fun, fun, fun

All Mighty Terrestrial – After this chapter no more potion and that means 'bad' Harry can be more amusing than ever, simply because it's my story and that's the way I'm going to write it

Stoneheart – As it happens chapter 6 was edited because one of the scenes gave too much away, but in chapter 5 Voldie had sent a messenger (Avery) to Harry to meet him probably so he could test out this new Harry, but who knows how the mind of an evil genius works. And the title is especially for you, it's a clue for things to come, I'm very sorry for the lamest explanation ever told but I'll now go back to the humour

ADJ – Funniest Voldemort scene? I'm touched, I'm glad that somebody found it amusing

Rodrigo – 1. You were right it was Dumbledore. 2. Right again, they did unite, hmm maybe you should write this story instead of me

VipyGirl831 – You're right Harry did deserve it, but now after the fastest recovery in human history (outside of those soaps where somebody's husband dies and the next week she's over it and dating his best friend) we can all look forwards to lots of laughs

MonkeyHood – Erm I've never heard of Squall or FF8, but after doing a google search I have discovered that you are talking about Final Fantasy but after that I was just rather confused, is it just another Japanese animation thing or what?

archforge – Pegasus, thank you so much, I completely couldn't remember, I will get round to changing that. Cheers

And thank you to Aubs2006, sailorstargirl13, Linz, leogrl, smallville-chickie, vampires-kiss, Silver, GoddessMoonLady and every other reviewer I may have accidentally missed or who left no name

Ok that's it the serious stuff is finished, no more seriousness ever in this story, now prepare yourselves for the ultimate Harry/Draco showdown, Harry's disastrous attempts to matchmake, a visit to the Dursleys, the hunt for Peter Pettigrew and the introduction of Cho

PLEASE REVIEW, if you want to flame you can but lets just bare in mind that from now on the seriousness stops and the fun begins again