Chapter 5 Sleepless
Spike woke up later in the night, with a start. He had just had a terrible nightmare and his sheets were soaking wet from sweat. In his nightmare Buffy was seducing him and that was all swell and dandy, perfect dream actually, up until the moment when she skipped over to Angel's arms and said; 'Come on Angel, let's show Spike how a real man does it.' The worst part of the nightmare was the fact that Spike couldn't move. He was forced to sit and watch Angel ravish Buffy, over and over again.
Spike got up from bed and headed down to the kitchen, to grab a glass of water, to remove what felt like sandpaper, currently residing in his mouth and throat. He stopped dead in his track as he saw Buffy sitting at the kitchen table. She looked so sad, he had to keep himself from running up to her, pull her into his arms and not let go until she was all happy again. He realized, the girl sitting in the kitchen, was in no way capable of torturing him the way the Buffy from his nightmares had been doing.
Buffy was currently dressed in a white tank top and her sushi pajama bottoms. Spike swallowed as he noticed the fabric of her top was so thin he could actually make out her rose-colored nipples underneath. At this moment he was really grateful he had put on a long t-shirt as well as some sweats before coming down. His growing erection would be really hard to hide otherwise. He cursed certain parts of his anatomy for being so easily influenced.
Buffy had never fallen a sleep. She had tried, but thoughts about Riley and Spike had never seized their assault and she had gotten up. She had found a scrap of paper and a pen in the kitchen, that she had started to write a letter to Riley on. She didn't have any intention of actually sending it to him, but it felt good to put her emotions and what she so desperately wanted to tell him, in writing.
Dear Riley,
Things are good, not great, but good. The people here seem nice. Giles, the trainer I told you about, is really great. He gives me the perfect instructions on how to ride the horses I'm assigned. To think I had trouble keeping taps with the sixteen horses back home and he seems to know all ninety horses he has in training. It's amazing really. Don't know how he does it.
The staff here is amazing. I haven't had much chance to get to know most of It, yet. Did I forget to mention I don't even have to clean out stables anymore? No more getting up at 5.30. I get up at 7.30 A.M, head out to the stables and just gear up and ride. I have a small locker out there, with my gear in it. It even has this cute little nametag and all.
Most of the staff live at this place called the barracks. The stable master, Mr. Rayne lives in his own house with his family. Mr. Giles mentioned something about the barracks not being a suitable place for young women, so I've been quartered in the main house with him, his nephew and this other rider named Faith. She's hilarious really, a little straight forward and stuff, but at the bottom I think she's a good girl.
Get this; Mr. Giles' nephew is none other than William Eddington's son. You remember I told you about this jockey that did a hat trick in the Epsom Derby back in the eighties, that's the one. William jr. goes by the name Spike. I can't really figure him out. He can go from being a total jerk, to a complete Casanova, to a sweet, friendly boy. He's temperamental AND gentle. Ambivalent much? If this was a letter to Wills or Dawn I would probably dish out on how hot he was and stuff, but anyways.. It's for Riley, wouldn't be really nice and all to get all swoony over another guy in Riley's letter, would it?
I'm really confused at the moment. I kinda got the impression we broke up and stuff, but then you came back. What are we? I suppose I should call you or something, so we could talk this out. I'd be half lying if I told you I haven't had time yet. I've been postponing it. Don't know what to tell you without hurting your feelings.
This I know. There's so much going on in my life right now, I kind of want to see where it leads me, without anything holding me back. I care about you Riley, but I'm not ready to marry you. We're at different paths in our lives at the moment. You should be with someone who's able to be with you, someone who loves you unconditionally, like you love me. You've been so good to me. Given me so much time and patience, I really should call you and explain things. I truly regret not being able to reciprocate your feelings and someone told me the other day, if I don't love you by now, I never will. What if he's right? It wouldn't be fair to keep you waiting then. So I guess I'll set you free.
Buffy folded the letter and had to keep herself from shedding tears. She just sat in the kitchen for a couple of minutes before noticing Spike looking at her from the doorway.
When Buffy lifted her head, Spike saw the unshed tears in her eyes and felt his heart break for the girl. He pondered, whether or not he was responsible for her sadness and couldn't take it, if he was. He looked away from her eyes and went over to the refrigerator, to get bottle of water. He considered for a second to leave her be, but couldn't. He sat down in the chair beside her. They sat in silence for a few minutes.
Spike didn't know what to say and still manage not to let her feel intruded. Buffy felt oddly comforted by Spike's presence. The only light was a lit candle, casting shadows over their faces. Buffy thought Spike looked good enough to eat with his sleep tousled blonde curls and sharp cheek and jawbones accentuated by the lighting. She had to resist the urge to run her hands through his hair, to see if it was as soft as it looked. Then her mind wandered to Riley and a guilty conscience and sadness descended over her again.
Buffy made a sniffling noise and Spike couldn't help but interfere. Tentatively he placed a hand on her back. Barely making contact because he was afraid she would flinch away. Buffy's dam broke and the tears started flowing. She desperately wanted comfort and the hand on her back led her to only crave more. Her frame started to shake with quiet sobs. Seeing it Spike pulled her onto his lap, held her tight, while drawing lazy patterns with his hand, across her back.
"Shh, luv. Don't cry. Please don't cry?", he pleaded with her. He relished the feeling, of having her this close. Her ragged, warm breath against the crook of his neck. He only regretted the reason as to why she was this close.
Buffy's sobs calmed. She felt so good and comforted in Spike's arms. She let out a halfhearted chuckle at the irony of the situation. Here she was, being held close, by the man fractionally responsible for her mood. The other irony was that she very rarely let her guard down. She always had to be the strong one. And here she was, crying her heart out to someone who had been a complete stranger less than a week before.
She had to admit, one of the reasons as to why she was torn, was because if it had not been for Spike, she would not have felt the need to put an end to her relationship with Riley. One thing was the lust that rose inside her whenever Spike was around. A completely other matter, was the other warm fuzzy feeling that rose whenever he was being gentle.
Buffy pulled away slightly, sat up and looked into his eyes. His cobalt depths were filled with emotion matching the strokes of his hand on her back. She felt herself drawn to him. It felt like she was going to drown in his eyes and at the moment she wanted to. She wanted to remain safe from her worries, forever in the arms of Spike
Spike sat and looked at the girl in his lap. The moment was perfect; her face was approaching slowly, her gaze never faltering from his. Just when he thought their lips would meet, she pulled away and sat in her own chair.
She avoided his questioning eyes and stared straight in front of her. "I'm sorry", she whispered barely audible, even in the quiet kitchen.
"The way I see it, you have nothing to be sorry about", Spike said before inwardly adding; 'Except maybe, for not kissing me, as I thought you were going to!' Not liking the silent awkwardness, he continued; "Care to talk about what makes a pretty girl like you so sad" he said, quirking his eyebrows.
Buffy offered him a smile in response, before adding; "I think maybe you were right about something the other day", she looked away and was silent for a moment, before continuing. "I think maybe you were right about my feelings for Riley. What makes it even worse is I'm not sure what to tell him. Knowing him, he probably doesn't even think we're really over and I don't know how to tell him we are. He's been patiently waiting for me to utter three little words ever since he did and I can't. It's not fair of me, to pretend we can be something we really can't." Buffy was looking at Spike again. She had found new comfort in him, but still remembered his snide remarks the first day. She looked at him, half expecting judgment.
Spike watched the emotions playing across her face during her little speech, but as she came to an end and looked at him, he looked away, biting the inside of his cheek, contemplating what to say. A small part of him, wanted to give her his best smirk while saying, 'Ha I was right.', but the reasonable part of his brain told him, 'Now, now. No good will come of that.'
"So, now you've come to terms with your feelings. Don't worry about it, pet. Sooner or later you'll find the strength to tell it to him.", he paused before continuing, "Either that or I'm pretty sure he'll catch on when he doesn't even hear from you. If he doesn't, he has a really peculiar opinion on the term 'long distance relationship'." He offered Buffy a mischievous smile. Buffy let out a small laugh. She got up from her seat and started for the hallway and stairs. When she reached the threshold of the kitchen entrance, she turned to him and smiled.
" Good night and thanks for ." she paused considering revealing what comfort she had felt being held in his arms. She bit it back and settled for; "Thanks for the talk."
"Anytime, luv. Anytime", he replied with a wink. Buffy went up the stairs and into her bedroom. She fell asleep, the moment her head hit the pillow.
Spike woke up later in the night, with a start. He had just had a terrible nightmare and his sheets were soaking wet from sweat. In his nightmare Buffy was seducing him and that was all swell and dandy, perfect dream actually, up until the moment when she skipped over to Angel's arms and said; 'Come on Angel, let's show Spike how a real man does it.' The worst part of the nightmare was the fact that Spike couldn't move. He was forced to sit and watch Angel ravish Buffy, over and over again.
Spike got up from bed and headed down to the kitchen, to grab a glass of water, to remove what felt like sandpaper, currently residing in his mouth and throat. He stopped dead in his track as he saw Buffy sitting at the kitchen table. She looked so sad, he had to keep himself from running up to her, pull her into his arms and not let go until she was all happy again. He realized, the girl sitting in the kitchen, was in no way capable of torturing him the way the Buffy from his nightmares had been doing.
Buffy was currently dressed in a white tank top and her sushi pajama bottoms. Spike swallowed as he noticed the fabric of her top was so thin he could actually make out her rose-colored nipples underneath. At this moment he was really grateful he had put on a long t-shirt as well as some sweats before coming down. His growing erection would be really hard to hide otherwise. He cursed certain parts of his anatomy for being so easily influenced.
Buffy had never fallen a sleep. She had tried, but thoughts about Riley and Spike had never seized their assault and she had gotten up. She had found a scrap of paper and a pen in the kitchen, that she had started to write a letter to Riley on. She didn't have any intention of actually sending it to him, but it felt good to put her emotions and what she so desperately wanted to tell him, in writing.
Dear Riley,
Things are good, not great, but good. The people here seem nice. Giles, the trainer I told you about, is really great. He gives me the perfect instructions on how to ride the horses I'm assigned. To think I had trouble keeping taps with the sixteen horses back home and he seems to know all ninety horses he has in training. It's amazing really. Don't know how he does it.
The staff here is amazing. I haven't had much chance to get to know most of It, yet. Did I forget to mention I don't even have to clean out stables anymore? No more getting up at 5.30. I get up at 7.30 A.M, head out to the stables and just gear up and ride. I have a small locker out there, with my gear in it. It even has this cute little nametag and all.
Most of the staff live at this place called the barracks. The stable master, Mr. Rayne lives in his own house with his family. Mr. Giles mentioned something about the barracks not being a suitable place for young women, so I've been quartered in the main house with him, his nephew and this other rider named Faith. She's hilarious really, a little straight forward and stuff, but at the bottom I think she's a good girl.
Get this; Mr. Giles' nephew is none other than William Eddington's son. You remember I told you about this jockey that did a hat trick in the Epsom Derby back in the eighties, that's the one. William jr. goes by the name Spike. I can't really figure him out. He can go from being a total jerk, to a complete Casanova, to a sweet, friendly boy. He's temperamental AND gentle. Ambivalent much? If this was a letter to Wills or Dawn I would probably dish out on how hot he was and stuff, but anyways.. It's for Riley, wouldn't be really nice and all to get all swoony over another guy in Riley's letter, would it?
I'm really confused at the moment. I kinda got the impression we broke up and stuff, but then you came back. What are we? I suppose I should call you or something, so we could talk this out. I'd be half lying if I told you I haven't had time yet. I've been postponing it. Don't know what to tell you without hurting your feelings.
This I know. There's so much going on in my life right now, I kind of want to see where it leads me, without anything holding me back. I care about you Riley, but I'm not ready to marry you. We're at different paths in our lives at the moment. You should be with someone who's able to be with you, someone who loves you unconditionally, like you love me. You've been so good to me. Given me so much time and patience, I really should call you and explain things. I truly regret not being able to reciprocate your feelings and someone told me the other day, if I don't love you by now, I never will. What if he's right? It wouldn't be fair to keep you waiting then. So I guess I'll set you free.
Buffy folded the letter and had to keep herself from shedding tears. She just sat in the kitchen for a couple of minutes before noticing Spike looking at her from the doorway.
When Buffy lifted her head, Spike saw the unshed tears in her eyes and felt his heart break for the girl. He pondered, whether or not he was responsible for her sadness and couldn't take it, if he was. He looked away from her eyes and went over to the refrigerator, to get bottle of water. He considered for a second to leave her be, but couldn't. He sat down in the chair beside her. They sat in silence for a few minutes.
Spike didn't know what to say and still manage not to let her feel intruded. Buffy felt oddly comforted by Spike's presence. The only light was a lit candle, casting shadows over their faces. Buffy thought Spike looked good enough to eat with his sleep tousled blonde curls and sharp cheek and jawbones accentuated by the lighting. She had to resist the urge to run her hands through his hair, to see if it was as soft as it looked. Then her mind wandered to Riley and a guilty conscience and sadness descended over her again.
Buffy made a sniffling noise and Spike couldn't help but interfere. Tentatively he placed a hand on her back. Barely making contact because he was afraid she would flinch away. Buffy's dam broke and the tears started flowing. She desperately wanted comfort and the hand on her back led her to only crave more. Her frame started to shake with quiet sobs. Seeing it Spike pulled her onto his lap, held her tight, while drawing lazy patterns with his hand, across her back.
"Shh, luv. Don't cry. Please don't cry?", he pleaded with her. He relished the feeling, of having her this close. Her ragged, warm breath against the crook of his neck. He only regretted the reason as to why she was this close.
Buffy's sobs calmed. She felt so good and comforted in Spike's arms. She let out a halfhearted chuckle at the irony of the situation. Here she was, being held close, by the man fractionally responsible for her mood. The other irony was that she very rarely let her guard down. She always had to be the strong one. And here she was, crying her heart out to someone who had been a complete stranger less than a week before.
She had to admit, one of the reasons as to why she was torn, was because if it had not been for Spike, she would not have felt the need to put an end to her relationship with Riley. One thing was the lust that rose inside her whenever Spike was around. A completely other matter, was the other warm fuzzy feeling that rose whenever he was being gentle.
Buffy pulled away slightly, sat up and looked into his eyes. His cobalt depths were filled with emotion matching the strokes of his hand on her back. She felt herself drawn to him. It felt like she was going to drown in his eyes and at the moment she wanted to. She wanted to remain safe from her worries, forever in the arms of Spike
Spike sat and looked at the girl in his lap. The moment was perfect; her face was approaching slowly, her gaze never faltering from his. Just when he thought their lips would meet, she pulled away and sat in her own chair.
She avoided his questioning eyes and stared straight in front of her. "I'm sorry", she whispered barely audible, even in the quiet kitchen.
"The way I see it, you have nothing to be sorry about", Spike said before inwardly adding; 'Except maybe, for not kissing me, as I thought you were going to!' Not liking the silent awkwardness, he continued; "Care to talk about what makes a pretty girl like you so sad" he said, quirking his eyebrows.
Buffy offered him a smile in response, before adding; "I think maybe you were right about something the other day", she looked away and was silent for a moment, before continuing. "I think maybe you were right about my feelings for Riley. What makes it even worse is I'm not sure what to tell him. Knowing him, he probably doesn't even think we're really over and I don't know how to tell him we are. He's been patiently waiting for me to utter three little words ever since he did and I can't. It's not fair of me, to pretend we can be something we really can't." Buffy was looking at Spike again. She had found new comfort in him, but still remembered his snide remarks the first day. She looked at him, half expecting judgment.
Spike watched the emotions playing across her face during her little speech, but as she came to an end and looked at him, he looked away, biting the inside of his cheek, contemplating what to say. A small part of him, wanted to give her his best smirk while saying, 'Ha I was right.', but the reasonable part of his brain told him, 'Now, now. No good will come of that.'
"So, now you've come to terms with your feelings. Don't worry about it, pet. Sooner or later you'll find the strength to tell it to him.", he paused before continuing, "Either that or I'm pretty sure he'll catch on when he doesn't even hear from you. If he doesn't, he has a really peculiar opinion on the term 'long distance relationship'." He offered Buffy a mischievous smile. Buffy let out a small laugh. She got up from her seat and started for the hallway and stairs. When she reached the threshold of the kitchen entrance, she turned to him and smiled.
" Good night and thanks for ." she paused considering revealing what comfort she had felt being held in his arms. She bit it back and settled for; "Thanks for the talk."
"Anytime, luv. Anytime", he replied with a wink. Buffy went up the stairs and into her bedroom. She fell asleep, the moment her head hit the pillow.