Title: Out of the Frying Pan
Author: XsilicaX
Feedback: xsilicax@yahoo.co.uk
Rating: PG, for drunken humour
Summary: The twins and Legolas celebrate Aragorn's birthday in style, leading to some very amusing incidents (including a shirtless Aragorn) and a prank that goes wrong. Who will get the blame?
A/N: This is a response to Coreinha's challenge, which revolved around a picture of Aragorn standing behind a Legolas who had his lips pursued. It also had to include two lines:
"If you do not stop singing that song, I will kill you with this frying pan"
AND
"If you walk that way you will be sorry in the morning"
A/N (2): In this fic I am assuming that elves are less affected by alcohol than humans, hence why they appear sober. This is my first attempt at humour, and may well be my last. That said, enjoy (and review).
Out of the Frying Pan…
Legolas winced, his face screwing up in sympathy as he watched Elrond scolding the twins. This appeared to be one of his better reprimands; it had lasted for nearly an hour now, and he showed no signs of tiring yet. Judging from the expression on the twins' faces, he had managed to penetrate even their thick skins.
"Is he still going?" Aragorn asked; having approached him silently from behind, as was his wont.
"He appears to have much more to say to them, yes." Legolas answered. He pursed his lips as Elrond's voice rose still further, managing to penetrate through two solid oak doors, a thick insulated wall, and over a distance of eighty foot of garden.
"He is very vexed with them then?" Aragorn repeated, a small smirk of amusement twisting his lips. "Good."
Legolas turned to face him, one eyebrow raised at the man's good humour this morning. "I would have expected you to be very much under the weather today after your excesses of yesterday. I am greatly surprised to see you out of bed this early."
"It is for self-preservation, Legolas. My father had a visit from a villager this morning, and it has not put him in a good mood. I thought it best to be out of reach from both him and my brothers." Aragorn stepped forward to be behind Legolas' shoulder as he peered at the window trying to make out the figures within. The distance was too great for his mortal eyes though. Shrugging, he stepped back, intending to leave early and be far away from his brother's attempts at revenge.
"And well you should leave." Legolas called out after him, they will blame you entirely for this you realise?"
Aragorn stopped and swung back around, an innocent look upon his face, "It was all their fault for suggesting that we celebrate my fortieth birthday by having a drinking competition. I believe that they will rue that decision far more than I did."
The pair shared a laugh as they recalled the previous nights events, though Aragorn's was tinged with embarrassment.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The Previous Night
"Will you please be silent!" Legolas insisted. The human's infernal singing had long since devoured Legolas' patience.
"What is wrong with it?" The human asked, turning wide, hurt eyes upon his so-called friend.
"It is irritating me!" The elf replied.
"But I thought you liked it? You laughed." Aragorn responded, screwing his face in concentration as the path blurred before him.
"The first time yes! It was amusing once, but it loses something on the fiftieth repetition." Exasperation coloured the usually peaceful timbre of his voice.
"Fiftiefth" Aragorn slurred, are you sure?
"Quite certain." Legolas pushed the human away from him, as the man stumbled, falling against the elf. "Stay away from me human, you reek!"
"I do not!" Aragorn stopped abruptly, swinging around to confront his friend. Unfortunately in his inebriated state he had misjudged both his own speed, and Legolas' position, and would have found himself sprawled on the ground were it not for the supporting arms of his elven friend. Legolas released him immediately the human regained a somewhat tremulous balance, and briskly rubbed his hands on a nearby leaf.
"What did you do, swim in all that ale?" the elf looked disgustedly at his hands, apparently he had not been able to rid himself of the mess, and they were now tacky. "And I thought the bath you took would have removed much of this."
"Just how did I end up in that water trough anyhow?" Aragorn asked, blinking rapidly trying to clear his vision.
"I believe it was the twins who thought the best way to wake you up would be to submerge you briefly. I had nothing to do with that." Legolas distanced himself quickly from all blame, whilst stifling a laugh.
"Hmm." Aragorn agreed, reaching around trying to scratch the growing itch on his back, and nearly sending himself back down to the ground again. He let out an insane giggle as the world swirled around him, before turning full circle trying to scratch his own back. After several minutes of this he gave up the attempt, and wandered over to lean against a nearby tree.
Legolas, who had been using the brief rest to try and remove the sticky mess from his hands, turned to watch the human as he let out a small moan.
"Aragorn?" The elf began, stopping to just stare at the human's peculiar antics. "What in all of Arda are you doing?" The human was too busy rubbing himself against the tree to notice. "ARAGORN!" The human raised his head, and Legolas saw an almost pained look upon his face.
"It itches!" The human whined pitifully. "It won't stop."
Legolas smiled, all his worry vanishing at his friend's words. "Of course it itches mellon nin, you have your shirt on inside out."
Aragorn raised a hand to his chest, feeling along his shirt. Realising that Legolas' words were true he turned to him, confused. "A question mellon nin." Aragorn asked, his bemused eyes upon the blond. "Just why is my shirt the wrong way round? And more importantly…when did I remove it?"
Legolas just shook his head in amusement.
"I do not find this situation at all amusing Legolas. First you inform me that my darling *hic* brothers have given me an unexpected bath, and now you are telling me that at some point during this night I have had my shirt removed? Just what has happened?"
Legolas could not speak for laughter as he recalled the events. A muffled *hic* from Aragorn, only made him laugh harder.
"Legolas!" Came the cry from the outraged human. "We only went to the tavern for a few drinks, to celebrate my birthday. I would like to know just what you allowed my brothers to do to me!" At this, he peeled himself from the tree, and glared somewhat menacingly at the chortling elf.
Legolas abruptly stopped laughing, and backed away from the walking brewery that was approaching. Raising his hands up in a futile attempt to ward away the smell. "Now Aragorn, I had nothing to do with the removal of your shirt, and neither did your brothers!"
Aragorn frowned, and then looked panicky. "If not you, then who was it?" He looked around at the trees, hoping for someone to bestow him with answers. None were forthcoming, so he turned his gaze back on Legolas.
"What happened!?" He growled, still advancing on the elf.
Legolas took in a great breath of air, and managed to stop laughing long enough to answer. "No-one but yourself removed that shirt Aragorn." The laughter threatened to overtake him again, but he valiantly battled it down to continue retelling the story. "After you were tossed in the water-trough, you woke up rather, er, abruptly." 'Coughing and spluttering like a drowned rat', he thought to himself. "You, er." He bit back another laugh.
"What!" Aragorn demanded, his face in Legolas'.
"You tried to get out and kill your brothers, but you tripped. You fell flat on your face, and rolled around in the mud for a while. We had to toss you back in there to get you clean." Legolas tailed off, hopin that the human would be satisfied with that answer.
"That does not explain what happened to the shirt!" Apparently, even inebriated, his curiosity was insatiable.
Legolas sighed. "Ah, well, it was rather dirty, so you decided that it would be a good time to clean it."
Aragorn gasped in horror. "You mean…I…no!"
Legolas grinned. "Yes mellon nin, you removed your shirt in the village, in front of all the many passers by, many of them women.
Aragorn went bright red, turning to hide his face from the elf, while removing his shirt and returning it to its correct way round. "Why did you not stop me?" He glared at his so-called friend.
"Well, "Legolas began, before he struggled to hold back his laughter, "it was funny." He hastily continued as Aragorn's demeanour grew ever more angry. "I tried, mellon nin, believe me I did, you would have none of it. You were determined to remove the mud from both yourself and that shirt; you paid no heed to the growing crowd. None whatsoever. It is your fault my friend, do not blame me."
Aragorn turned away at this, fingering the shirt so that Legolas would not see his embarrassment. After putting it back on he turned and strode in the direction of Rivendell, ignoring the elf's cries to him.
"Aragorn! It was not as bad as that, it was amusing. There is no need to act like this." Sighing, Legolas ran after his human friend.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
After Aragorn had begun to recover from the shock of hearing what had happened, he began to sing again, knowing that it would irritate his friend. "Elrohir and…"
"ARAGORN! If you do not stop singing that song, I will kill you with this frying pan." Legolas threatened, exasperated. Aragorn grinned secretly to himself, having firmly annoyed his friend. A thought occurred to him.
"Legolas?" He asked, "Just where did you get hold of a frying pan?" The elf was prevented from answering by the arrival of the twins.
"Ho brother! How fare you now?" Elrohir asked, an evil smile upon his face. Aragorn swallowed hard, sobering rapidly. He was about to back away when he felt an arm being place around his shoulder. Slowly turning his head, he saw his other brother stare back at him with a matching smile upon his face. Aragorn shuddered.
"So little one, how much have you remembered?" Aragorn winced at the realisation that his brothers had watched him behaving so foolishly; they would be unlikely to forget this for a long time to come. He looked at Legolas, begging for rescue. The twins' eyes followed his, and latched on to the frying pan still clutched in his grasp. Both burst out laughing at he same time.
"Did you see her face?" Elrohir recalled, "I honestly believed that she was going to pass out!"
Elladan laughed as well. "Oh, it was hilarious when she dropped everything she was holding, right onto the landlord's feet!"
Legolas joined the twins in their laughter, as more memories assailed him. "Did you see that group of maidens? They were staring at him for hours, giggling."
"Valar! The crowd seemed to grow with every second, I swear I did not think there were that many women in the entire village!" Elladan agreed.
Aragorn lost all colour, and then flushed a bright red as he realised that they were talking about everyone watching him. "Could you not have," he searched for the word "shooed them away? Did you really have to just stand there and let them stare at me?" He tailed off, plaintively.
The twins burst out laughing again, and it was left to Legolas to answer the frustrated human. "Well, Elrohir was preoccupied with a swooning maiden, and Elladan was attempting to gather up another's wares. I was alternately trying to get you to dress yourself, and prevent all the men of the village from lynching you."
"Lynching me? What for, I did nothing?" Aragorn inquired, outraged.
"As I recall it you were trying to prevent both the men and the maidens from swarming him." Elladan corrected the prince.
"Yes, that is it brother." Agreed his twin.
"But why?" Aragorn remained unenlightened.
"Well, let us say nothing about the women, for who among us can understand how their minds work." said Legolas, "As for the men, I believe it had to do with the amount of revenue you cost them, for stealing away their staff and customers, and for catching the eye of their sweethearts or brides."
"I always knew humans were blind" Elrohir grinned.
Aragorn just stared blankly at him, trying to grasp that he had been the centre of attention for an entire village. Hoping to change the subject, he searched around for something else to talk about. His mind had rapidly sobered under all these shocks. "Legolas, you never did say how the frying pan came into your possession." He realised that he had chosen the wrong thing to say as the twins' laughter only increased.
Legolas watched as the twin brothers struggled to get out the story, and sighed as they choked on their own laughter, it was left to him again! "Well, one of the vendors who was distracted, managed to…erm…she knocked over her stall in an attempt to reach you." He hurried out, words quickening towards the end. "Her boss was, understandable upset, and…" he tailed off.
"He what?" Aragorn insisted.
"He threatened to dismiss her. So naturally Legolas intercedes and offers to pay for the damaged wares." Answered one of the twins.
"Fortunately it was only this saucepan that was beyond repair, so I was left with this. You owe me little one, I am as yet uncertain as to whether it would have been best to have let the villagers have you, rather than waste money on this misshapen object." Legolas sighed in disgust, tucking the pan into his pack.
Aragorn winced at more mention of the disruption he had caused. The twins were quick to remark upon it.
"And do not think that this story will not reach Ada's ears," declared Elladan, "for nearly all the village was brought to a standstill today because of you. I have no doubt he will scold you thoroughly if he catches you returning home in this condition."
"Especially with your clothes still damp, and your hair so wild." Elrohir agreed, a malicious grin upon his fair face.
Aragorn groaned. "Then I shall make sure that he does not spot me until I am better positioned to deny all knowledge of these events."
"I highly doubt that you will achieve either of those goals. Ada is much smarter than he looks." Elladan answered, sagely.
Aragorn groaned again.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Present time
"Well, against all odds, I successfully made it into my room without his knowledge, and I have avoided his reprimands as well." Aragorn grinned to Legolas, who smiled back; pleased that the twins were for once receiving an unwarranted rebuking. Usually it was their victims who were blamed for the more outrageous pranks they had pulled.
"Well," Aragorn began, turning onto the path from which he had entered the glade; "I believe I shall go on a hunting trip, as far away from my brothers as I can get. I do not expect that they will be pleased to see me anytime soon."
Legolas nodded his agreement, though he cautioned the human against that path. "If you walk that way you will be sorry in the morning." He said, turning fully to face Aragorn, who scoffed at Legolas' concerns. "I believe that I will be in more danger should I stay in Rivendell!" He walked further down the path before looking back at the elf. "I shall see you in about a weeks time; I believe my brothers should have cooled off by then." Turning back, away from Rivendell, he found himself slammed against a tree, an arm encircling his neck, and a pair of hands pushing him up against the bark so he could not escape. Gulping he looked up into the irate eyes of his brothers.
"H…Hello. How fare you two this morning?" He forced out; a fake smile plastered upon his face. He was under no illusions as to what the twins would be prepared to do in revenge.
"How fare we?" Elladan asked, staring at his twin, "he dares ask us that after having seen father berate us for over an HOUR!"
"For something that was entirely not our fault?" Elrohir picked up where his twin left off. "Because we stayed behind to render aid to the poor villagers whose life you disrupted, and because we paid for all the damages inflicted, WE were recognised and blamed."
"This is your fault, and be warned now that we intend to have our revenge." Elladan's turn.
Then Elrohir's again. "Though we have not yet thought of a punishment that is equal to those crime."
Aragorn slumped, and looked longingly at Legolas for a timely rescue. None came. Desperate, Aragorn kneed Elladan in the stomach, taking much of the weight from his blow, so as not to injure him, and wrenched himself out of Elrohir's grasp. Turning on his heel, he fled down the path away from Imladris, the twins in close pursuit, though one limped slightly, still winded from the blow he had received.
Legolas smiled to himself, rejoicing in the quiet that descended as the brothers rapidly left earshot. "I warned you human. I told you not to take that path. Mayhap in future you will pay heed to my words."
Smirking, he returned inside for a warm beverage, and a quiet, comfortable rest.
The End
(Hope you made it!)
(And yes, I'm working on Rough Landings.)
(While you wait for it to come out, why don't you go and read mine and Coreinha's fic, The Gift of Hope…shameless plugging, yeah, yeah!)
Cathy.