Ha! Here it is, chapter 2! These characters don't belong to me, so don't sue me or I'll blow your head off with a bazooka! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Ok, I'll be quiet now.



Rodimus groaned and opened his eyes. Then he screamed.

Hastily I clamped my hand over his mouth. I wouldn't want any people walking by to get the wrong idea. I've gotten enough weird looks as it is.

After a few seconds his screams died down. He yanked my hand off and glared at me.

"Don't scare me like that!" he hissed.

"Scare you? How the hell did I scare you?"

"You would scream too if you woke up and the first thing you saw was the face of Ultra Magnus!" he declared.

"There's a fine line between stupidity and death and you're skirting it." I whisper dangerously. It didn't come out quite right but he's too stupid to know the difference.

He flinched and leaned back. "Fine, sheesh! Don't have a cow old man!"

I chose to ignore the old man comment. I've had way too much stress lately. I need a vacation. Or a woman. A woman would be nicer.

I grabbed Rodimus by the shoulders and heaved him to his feet and not so kindly threw him into the nearest chair.

"Sit down, shut up, and finish the damn story before I hand you over to Optimus!"

Rodimus looked scandalized. "No need to get hostile, we're all on the same side."

I snorted. "Yeah, and my mother was a Decepticon."

"No, actually, she wasn't. You don't have a mother."

"Just shut up Rodimus."

Rodimus frowned. Cool, I think I got him mad! Rodimus drew himself up to his full height, which to be honest isn't a whole lot. But I was sitting down, so I had to look up to look him in the eye.

"Watch your mouth Ultra Magnus!" he roared down at me. He sounded kind of like a mouse. "I outrank your sorry ass and I'll demote you back to private for insubordination if you don't clean up your act!"

I stared up at him incredually. After getting over the shock of hearing him say a 15 letter word, I was using every ounce of my willpower not to just burst out laughing. The thought of him demoting me for any reason was ludicrous, at best. Deciding to take pity on his poor soul for being so confused about the current situation, I stood up and draped my arm around his shoulder.

"Now Rodimus," I began, talking very slowly and clearly, "If you ever even think about messing with my rank, I'll cash in every bit of blackmail I have on your scrawny ass. I'm sure by the time I'm finished, Optimus will have shipped your ever so sorry ass to Antarctica to watch over baby seals until you die. Is that how you want your illustrious career to end?"

"No." he answered meekly.

"Now that we have an understanding, you're going to sit down and we're going to finish this conversation without any more incidents."

"Righty o then!" he said brightly. I swear this guy is like a teenager. His hormones switch his mood every twenty seconds. Do robots have hormones? "So where was I?"

"Blurr." I prompted.

"Ah yes. Optimus took Blurr down to see Ratchet. Since nobody really cares about him, they decided to mess around with his head."

"What'd they do?" I asked, curiosity peaked.

"They made him immune to Arcee's sexiness." He said.

I frowned at him. "I don't think that's possible."

"Oh, it is!" Rodimus exclaimed. "Optimus and Ratchet came up with an ingenious plan. They reprogrammed Blurr's optics. Now Arcee looks like Megatron to him."

I looked at him in astonishment. "How on Cybertron would that help?"

"Well Blurr was always a coward, everyone knows that. Optimus figured that as soon as Blurr saw Megatron he'd run like hell in the opposite direction. So he made Blurr the quarterback and screamed 'Oh my gosh it's Megatron! Ahhhh!' We all thought Optimus was loosing it."

"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!" I'm seriously doubting the integrity of this story.

"Oh, it gets better." Rodimus assured me. How touching. His mouth spread into a malicious grin. I don't think he realizes he's doing it. I guess spending so much time as Optimus' shadow has warped his little mind into thinking that just because he was second in command, no one could see his facial expressions. Pitiful, yet useful.

"To make a long story short Blurr gets the ball and hears Optimus screaming then sees Arcee. He takes off runnin' into the Primes goal, screaming like a girl the whole time too. The referee was laughing so hard he almost didn't see the touchdown!"

I stared at him wide-eyed. Optimus Prime was a genius! My respect for the man just skyrocketed. Now he was an Autobot leader unlike a certain someone who shall remain nameless.

"Blurr did it like 40 times! It was the same thing over and over. Optimus would point his finger at Arcee and scream, and Blurr would look and nearly shit his pants (if he had any) and run hysterically into the goal. I think he's going to need a professional psychiatrist by the time we're done with him. It was brilliant." He said, laughing uncontrollably at the memory.

I could only stare at him. It takes a few minutes for him to gain his composure. Completely understandable. I just want to know where I was during all of this. I really need to get out more. It's kind of embarrassing.

"So after a couple more hours the game finished. They Primes won by a landslide. Everybody thought Optimus was brilliant, if a tad bit insane, so they were all crowding around him giving him a pat of the back." he trailed off, hesitant to continue. He shifted from foot to foot, not staring me in the eye.

"Well?" I narrowed my eyes. "Spit it out already!"

Holding his head low in shame he answered. "I took out a cup of ink and dumped it into the Gatorade container the team drinks out of."

"Gatorade?" I asked.

"It's a human drink. We just filled it with energon instead." He explained.

"Ok, so you dumped ink into the container. What's so bad about that? The worst that would happen is that Optimus drinks it and turns his intakes black. I'm sure he'd be pissed, but I don't think he'd be trying to kill you." I said.

Rodimus nodded miserably. "Yeah, but it gets worse."

I politely decided not to comment.

"As far as I can figure out in my somewhat unsteady situation, Spike secretly told the Primes, Optimus excluded, about a football custom for winning the championship. It's weird, but you take the Gatorade container and dump it onto the winning coach. Well, the Primus thought it was a good idea and…" his voice trailed off and Rodimus stared at the floor.

I was having some serious problems controlling my laughter at this point and I started to snigger uncontrollably. I hastily clamped my hand over my mouth, trying to be quiet. I probably shouldn't laugh but the thought of the look on Optimus' face is priceless.

Rodimus looks like he's about to cry. "I seriously think he's going to kill me."

"As bad as the situation is, I don't think he'd look good killing his second in command over a practical joke." I reasoned.

"Well there's always a damn well this isn't the first practical joke I've pulled in the last month or two." He said quietly.

I really don't want to know. The less I know the better. That way I can't get into trouble with Optimus. Ish. He'll still find a way to hold me accountable. After all, he can't be seen yelling at his second command all the time. It's bad for morale.

"Well, why didn't he just wash it off?" I said, trying to make him feel better.

Rodimus looked even more miserable, if it was possible. "It's permanent ink."

I shrugged. He was doomed. End of story. "Your dead. I can't help you."

In a panic, Rodimus leaped over the desk and grabbed me by my shoulders. "You've got to help me! You're my only hope!"

"Oh?" I could definitely get the upper hand in a situation like this.

"Please, I beg you!" he said, actually getting down on his knees. "I don't want to die a horrible gruesome death!" he whimpered. I'd kill for a camera right now. He looks like a lost puppy.

And now I find myself in a sticky situation. I believe Shakespeare had an appropriate phrase for such a situation. 'To help or not to help, that is the question'. Or something like that. Don't look at me, I don't read that stuff!

I looked at Rodimus wearily. "I'll think about it."

He looks pathetic. "But--"

He was cut off by the most terrifying, the most horrifying, the most gruesome, and nightmare-inducing roar I've ever heard. It's Optimus. Oh joy.