Rating: PG-13. I don't think there's a difference between boy-boy love and boy-girl love. Why censor homosexuality? It's bullshit.
Genre: Angst/Romance, shounen-ai
Pairing: MitRu/RuMit. My favourite. Woo.
Review: Well, duh. Gimme.
mr_mvp> who is this?
mr_mvp> hello? u still there?
mr_mvp> jesus, stop wasting my time would u?
mr_mvp> i'm putting u on my block list now...
cut> rukawa.
mr_mvp> rukawa? what a surprise! never expected to see u online! you, of all people!
cut> don't kid.
mr_mvp> so, what do you want?
mr_mvp> oi, you gonna answer me or not?
mr_mvp> have you fallen asleep at the keyboard or something?
cut> do'ahou.
mr_mvp> NANI? you want me to block you, is that it? or do you want me to leave?
cut> don't go.
mr_mvp> ...okay... fine, i wouldn't.
mr_mvp> you haven't told me what you want.
mr_mvp> in simpler terms, BLOCKHEAD, i want to know why in the bleeding hell you messaged me.
mr_mvp> by the way, what's with the nickname?
mr_mvp> rukawa? u still there?
mr_mvp> knowing you, u're probably drooling away right now...
cut> i'm not.
mr_mvp> and he can talk! wow!
mr_mvp> man, you're humourless.
mr_mvp> are you ever going to answer my question?
cut> which one.
mr_mvp> doesn't matter, any.
mr_mvp> ok, tell me about your nickname.
mr_mvp> why 'cut'?
mr_mvp> if you're gonna make me say 'hello' like a retard every few minutes, then i'm definitely ending this conversation.
cut> i slit my wrists.
mr_mvp> oh, i get it. that must be rukawa kaede's warped idea of a joke. ha ha. hilarious.
cut> i'm not kidding.
mr_mvp> oh please. you expect me to fall for that? what am i, a child?
mr_mvp> give me some credit!
cut> senpai. do i ever kid?
cut> i'm serious.
cut> are you still there?
cut> mitsui-senpai?
mr_mvp> you're serious?
cut> yes.
mr_mvp> but... why?
cut> does it matter?
mr_mvp> rukawa, i...
mr_mvp> why are you telling me this?
cut> because i have no one else.
cut> can you come over?
mr_mvp> i'm not sure i understand...
cut> please.
mr_mvp> okay.
**
I shouldn't have done this. I don't know what I was thinking. My parents aren't home. The phone is too far away. I can't... I can't reach it. It's too far away.
And the blood. God, they're everywhere. This is... this is a mistake. If only I could turn back time. If only I could stop myself from picking up that fucking penknife. If only...
Oh my god. Is somebody here? Who's that breathing so erratically? I can't see anything anymore. Everything is such a blur... why is it so dark all of a sudden?
What's that sound? A knock on the door?
Mitsui-senpai? The door isn't locked...
Mitsui-senpai... I'm so cold...
**
Mitsui wasn't sure what to think when he shut down his computer, put on a presentable set of clothes and dashed out of his house. It was nearing 12 midnight and his parents were sound asleep, which suited him just fine, as he didn't have time for inane questions when his answers probably wouldn't get into their heads anyway. Not when Rukawa needed his help.
He was confused, and a million thoughts were searing through his mind as he raced down his own street and onto the main road, turning at a corner into the rich people's section. He vaguely remembered where Rukawa lives, but he didn't have time to check with the guys on the team. He would just have to trust his instincts.
He didn't know why he was doing this, apart from the disturbing fact that Rukawa asked for his help, for whatever reason. Mitsui was never one to give a damn about other people, especially somebody like Rukawa Kaede, who treated the people around him as though they were the dirt beneath his shoes.
Mitsui was beyond disbelief now; it was the 'please' that did it.
Rukawa Kaede never begged. Rukawa Kaede never called him 'senpai'. For him to do so showed the gravity of the situation at hand... and it illuminated Rukawa's cry for help.
At the back of his head, somewhere in the hidden reserves of his mind where Mitsui was himself, he knew that he was in over his head with this. He knew that he couldn't handle it alone.
But as he got closer and closer to the Rukawa residence, all of that flew right out of the window, and he felt nothing... nothing but immense urgency and panic that built up all of a sudden and gained momentum as he ran into the house, tearing through the many rooms on the ground level, but as he didn't find what he was looking for, the fierce anxiety in him threatened to swallow him whole.
"Rukawa! Where are you!"
**
I hear somebody calling my name. The voice. It's familiar.
Mitsui-senpai. He's here. He's finally here.
I'm on the second floor, Mitsui-senpai. Please, hurry up. I don't think I can hold on any longer.
**
Mitsui finally realised that there was a flight of stairs leading to the second storey, and that Rukawa could very well be there. Cursing himself for his stupidity, he stormed up the stairs, taking two steps at a time, hoping fervently that he wasn't too late.
Rukawa... hang in there. I'm coming.
He was greeted with more rooms upon his arrival at the landing, and the entire place was completely dark. Swearing under his breath, he scanned the sight before him, trying to make a snappy decision and guess where Rukawa could be.
Then, he caught sight of a door, slightly ajar, hidden beneath the creeping shadows, with a tiny sliver of light fading into the corridors.
Mitsui didn't hesitate. He burst into the room, dimly aware that he was panting but not caring either, and he saw him.
Rukawa was lying on the floor, arms outstretched, his skin deathly pale, more so than ever, making the blood that streamed down his arms in small rivers more prominent than they should be. The only source of light in the room came from the computer screen, where their conversation was still opened.
Mitsui sucked in a deep breath, and for a moment, he was paralyzed with fear. He didn't know what to do. He had never been in such a situation before, a life and death situation, where his actions determined a person's fate, whether he lived or died. It was so overwhelming, so utterly foreign and scary, that he wished he was dreaming, that he could wake up from this horrible nightmare as soon as possible and still survive the night.
But he wasn't. He wasn't dreaming. This was real.
"Mitsui-senpai..."
Rukawa's frail voice snapped Mitsui out of his state of shock. Recovering quickly, Mitsui rushed over to the younger boy and knelt down beside him. He grabbed the nearest piece of cloth he could get his hands on -- a towel -- and pressed it against Rukawa's wrists, hoping to slow down the flow of blood.
"I'm calling an ambulance," Mitsui whispered to Rukawa, his voice loud amidst the deafening silence that surrounded them. "Hang in there. It's going to be okay."
Mitsui didn't really know what he was doing. He wasn't sure if he was doing the right thing by leaving Rukawa's side and searching for the telephone. Somehow, he knew that Rukawa had a telephone in his room, and he was right.
He still didn't know what he was doing as he picked up the receiver and punched in the emergency number. It was something instinctive, almost, as if his body were the one doing the thinking now. Almost as if he was controlled by a force much greater than him, much greater than Rukawa, much greater than death.
"Hello? Yes, I need an ambulance. It's an emergency. My friend tried to kill himself. Please, hurry up. He can't hold on for much longer."
Mitsui hurriedly yelled the address to the person on the other line, was told that help would arrive as soon as possible, and slammed the phone down.
He rushed back to Rukawa's side. His eyes were closed now, and on his face was a look of frightening tranquillity, a disturbing stillness that sent chills down Mitsui's back, making him shiver.
He gently lifted Rukawa's head, taking special care not to hurt him, and placed it on his lap.
"Hey Rukawa," he said softly, wishing
with all his heart that the younger boy could hear him. "Don't die now,
okay? The ambulance is coming. You're going to be okay. Don't die on me
now. I gave up my sleep for this and you're not going to let me down. Come
on, just hold on a little while longer. It's going to be okay."
Mitsui was suddenly aware of something
wet in his eyes. And it surprised him.
**
Mitsui-senpai's voice... music to my ears... especially right now...
I'd give anything to say something, to let him know that I heard what he said.
But I can't. Can't get my vocal chords to work.
I feel something wet on my face. A light, flighty drop of liquid. And then comes sniffing.
Mitsui-senpai is crying.
Don't cry, Mitsui-senpai. It's not worth it.
I'm not worth it.
**
Mitsui thought, again, that he was dreaming, when he heard a soft, barely audible whisper. He almost missed it, but there it was.
"Senpai..."
Instantly, relief washed over Mitsui like water on the Sahara. He let out a breath he wasn't aware he was holding and wiped away a tear that was making its way down his cheek.
"Don't talk. Don't waste your energy."
Rukawa's eyelids inched open a little. He tried to crack a smile, but found that he lacked the energy.
"Don't. Cry."
Mitsui laughed a little, but it didn't sound quite normal to his ears. "Baka. I'm not crying. Now shut up."
Rukawa was saying something again. Struggling to get his words out with his throaty, raspy voice. But Mitsui didn't catch it this time round.
He leaned in closer to Rukawa.
"What did you say?"
A momentary silence. And then,
"Hold me."
**
Mitsui-senpai doesn't react for a while.
I'm starting to slip away again. I can feel it. The darkness looming ahead... it's getting closer. Like truth. My truth. A blanket that won't cover my feet. No matter how hard I tried.
But something else covers me. Something warm. Something almost loving.
Mitsui-senpai cradles me into his arms and holds me tight.
It's his embrace that's covering me now. His embrace, telling me that things would be okay.
Simply because he's here.
*****
When Rukawa opens his eyes he's almost blinded by the glaring brightness of the overhead fluorescent lamps. He's not sure of where he is... until he catches a waft of the unmistakable stench of antiseptic and medication.
He's in the hospital. And he's alive.
He made it after all.
He's suddenly aware of the presence of another. His line of sight travels across the room, and it finally lies on a figure leaning against the wall by the door, watching him intently.
I saw you standing in the doorway
across the room
It's Mitsui. His Mitsui-senpai. The only reason Rukawa is still breathing right now.
The events of the previous night washes over him like a tidal wave over the shores of a pristine-white beach, and he realises that he doesn't remember much. The details are foggy and messy now, but something stands out in his mind, beating other important images to come out triumphant.
The feeling of Mitsui's arms around him.
my first instinct was to run
because I couldn't take
Their eyes meet across the room, but neither of them say a word.
Or maybe there's simply no need for words.
the truth that I saw
when you didn't avert your eyes.
Rukawa feels dizzy all of a sudden. He glances away and stares down at his white hospital sheet.
He saw something in Mitsui's eyes during those few seconds, something deep, something profound, something poignant, almost as if Mitsui felt sorry for Rukawa, but that's not quite it. It's not pity, neither is it disgust, shame, or irrelevant things along those lines. It was...
you looked straight at me.
straight into me.
It was understanding. It was acceptance. It was nothing, and yet everything, so small a gesture, and yet, to Rukawa, it means the entire world.
Mitsui understands. Just like Rukawa knew he would.
when you took a tiny step forward
I knew it didn't matter
"Hey, Rukawa." Mitsui is standing by Rukawa's bedside now. He cracks a grin. "How are you doing?"
Rukawa looks at Mitsui again. And all of a sudden, he wants to smile.
He can't remember the last time he wanted to do that.
"Better."
Mitsui nods. "Good. I'm glad." He looks around him, finds a chair resting against the wall, drags it towards him and sits down. "You know, you scared the living shit out of me last night. I had enough of a scare when you suddenly told me online that you slit your wrists. Seeing you like that in your room... it was really frightening."
Rukawa laughs a little, surprising the two of them. "Sorry. I... I didn't know who else to turn to."
Mitsui smiles again, and to Rukawa, it's a sight as beautiful as sunset.
"If you don't mind telling me... why did you do it?"
Rukawa doesn't answer at first. He's staring out of the window now, seemingly lost in thought.
He doesn't really want to tell Mitsui the reason for his attempted suicide. Not because he's afraid that Mitsui wouldn't understand, but because he doesn't want Mitsui's pity.
But Mitsui did save his life. Rukawa owes him that much.
who I was, or how
ugly I am inside
"Because I couldn't stand not being able to play basketball ever again."
Mitsui nods, and the look on his face tells Rukawa that he understands. Rukawa feels a cool state of mind settling over him. Asking Mitsui for help wasn't a mistake after all.
"I don't understand though... why me?"
Rukawa's eyes seem to pierce right through Mitsui's soul as he answers, matter-of-factly, "Do you need to ask?"
Mitsui is slightly taken aback, as that wasn't the answer he was expecting. But as he thought back to the previous night, he's reminded of his own unquenchable urgency as he ran as fast as he could to Rukawa's house; of his own panic when he saw Rukawa sprawled helplessly on the floor, barely breathing; of his own tears, the tears that he never thought he'd shed; and of his holding Rukawa tight.
Mitsui smiles again. Rukawa is right. He doesn't need to ask.
because you'll love it anyway.
-end-
----
A/N: So there you have it. My attempt at shounen-ai. That is, besides Rukawa's dream sequence in my other fic, "Maybe I'm Confused". I honestly don't know what in the bloody heck possessed me to write this. Maybe it's the stress in school that's making me want to kill myself. Or not.
I admit, it isn't very well-written, but I almost bashed my computer up while writing this fic so I'm still gonna post it. Hopefully, you all understood the ending. And didn't cringe at it the way I did. Bwahaha.
The poem is written by me. Wasn't intended to be interjected into a shounen-ai fic but I read it over one day and decided it would make a damn good MitRu/RuMit, so there you go. Isn't it nice.
Yeah. Whatever.
-Yelen, Hisashi's one and only love, despite this fic.