Commander Chakotay stepped out of the Captain's Ready Room and immediately head for the turbo lift without so much as nodding to the people who bid him a good evening. Their words of well wishing were nothing he wanted to hear on this night of nights. Getting into the lift, he tonelessly called for his deck and stood as stiff as a board in the exact middle. He couldn't seem to recall ever feeling this broken before. It was an all encompassing grief that tore at his remains.
Upon reaching his destination, Chakotay stiffly walked through the doors and quickly reached his room. Punching his command code and swiftly heading through the doors, he calmly entered his bathroom and head for the toilet, lowered himself to his knees and vomited all of the contents of his stomach into the bowl without any concept of the aftertaste. His entire body felt numb and hundreds of pounds heavier than it actually was. His mind, against his own wishes, conjured new images of his Captain with another man, and more came up from his stomach into the bowl. He knew from what he saw happen to his grandfather that this was only a temporary stage in the journey he was embarking on. He also remembered what happened to the old man in the end. Gripping the rim with his hands, Chakotay felt himself retch once more as more came up.
Whatever dinner that he had eaten before what the Captain had told him was long rejected by now and anything would be stomach acids. With what seemed like a Herculean effort, Chakotay used the basin to get up and flushed it's contents out of his sight, fearing a round of dry-heaves. Almost limping over to the wash basin, he looked up at the tear stained image that looked back at him. This simply wouldn't do for a Star Fleet Commander and that's what he was, that's all he is, and that's all he'll ever be. Filling up a cup and taking a drink to wash down the horrible after-taste, Chakotay washed his face without much gusto.
Leaving the area and re entering his living room, he started gathering all of his personal artifacts. Medicine bundle, prayer wheel, personal clothing, gifts from his friends and things collected from his time on Voyager from places like New Earth. Searching all of it out, he corralled all of it and brought them to replicator and, one by one, had the computer reclaim all the energy that he could. Anything that couldn't be destroyed in that manner would just be incinerated. He wanted absolutly no reminder of any of it. The bundle with what was once some of his most prized possessions no longer could work for him as he would need to mediate and that wasn't going to happen. Just as he figured, he felt nothing as the items from his old home were eliminated one by one. Feelings like that were for the weak and he adamantly refused to be like that again.
Once his work was done, Chakotay simply sat down on his couch and proceeded to pick up the Padds he needed to go over and started reading with no expression on his face and nothing but the task in his mind. He was a StarFleet Commander, and StarFleet Commanders read pads. Some where, in the back of his mind, he swore he heard voices.
****
Dinner with Kashyk was just what the doctor ordered for Kathryn (literally in this case). They had a nice relaxing conversation afterwards over a couple cups of coffee. Sensing something was amiss with his woman, Kashyk spoke up.
"So, why the long face all nice?" Seeing Kathryn's head snap up, Kashyk felt the need to explain. "Since you got home tonight, you've been distracted and every once in a while, you look haunted. What's going on?"
Kathryn took a breath. She really didn't think Kashyk would take kindly to know that her First Officer was head over heels in love with her and that she just had to break his heart. "I had talk with my First Officer about you moving in here with me. He's got a… little crush on me." Seeing her lovers face contort with anger, Janeway thanked the lord above that he didn't know the whole story or what her definition of 'little' was in this case. "I told him that he and I could never be together because I'm with you. I'm just worried about him. He cried at first, but at the end of it he was completely despondent. I hope he doesn't do anything… drastic."
Kashyk heard her words with a sense of happiness. She turned down that other man in favor of him. "Oh, don't worry about it Kate. You did what had to be done. Besides, wouldn't it have been worse if he found out later on? It's best that you told him right away." Kathryn agreed with Kashyk all right, but still…
Kashyk saw the look in her eyes and shot a glare at the wall that separated Janeway and Chakotay's quarters. Kashyk would be damned if he was going to let some idiot with a hopeless crush screw up his happiness. "Hey, let's just go to bed. It will al look better after a good night's… well not sleep." Kashyk chuckled.
Kathryn saw the look her lover leveled in Chakotay's direction and furrowed her eye brows for a second. It wasn't Chakotay's fault he fell in love with a woman he couldn't have. Wiping the thoughts from her head, Janeway stood up and took Kashyk's hand as he led her into the bedroom. The one place Chakotay's ghost couldn't follow her. Anymore that is.
****
Unknown to either of them, on the other side of the wall from Kathryn's bedroom, Chakotay lay in bed hearing the couple next door getting to know each other again. He simply stared at his ceiling with his eyes open, no expression and not moving at all as sleep refused to take him once more. Although he didn't care, his eyes squinted in contempt at what he knew was going on next door, although part of him wondered why.
Giving up on sleep, the Commander sat up in bed and called the computer. "Computer, are there any empty Holodecks open right now?" If bed would no give him sleep, he would find some other way to spend the evening.
"Affirmative, both Holodeck Two and Three are open."
"Reserve two hours on Holodeck Two to Commander Chakotay effective immediately." There was were more than one way to skin the allegorical cat.
Jumping to his feet and quickly getting into his uniform, he breezed out of his cabin seemingly without a care in his heart. Where as before, the First Officer would always give a little look at his Captain's doors, this one did not. He had to get to the Turbolift and looking at a door that he was passing wouldn't make much sense.
Entering the lift, Chakotay blandly ordered his desired floor and felt as the floor beneath him started to rumble softly. He felt his mind was still a tad jumbled at the recent turn of events, but his heart simply didn't care about the words that woman told him. Truth be told, he found it ridiculous that he took it as hard as he had.
Shaking off those thoughts, the Commander exited the now opened door of the lift and stiffly walked toward the Holodeck, ignoring the people who would occasionally try to engage him in conversation. Once inside, he took swift action to remove the safety protocols and initiate his infamous boxing program. Literally tearing his uniform off his body, Chakotay climbed into the ring to face his opponent Baby Jake. Baby Jake had always before given him a pretty good run for his money, but this time his body seemed energized and ready to fight.
With Boothby looking on, Chakotay charged his opponent head on. Without feeling the hits that fell to his face, Chakotay attacked Jake with a ferocity hither unknown to him. Chakotay felt the urge to giggle as he felt Jake's ribs and jaw crack violently under the onslaught, and did chuckle slightly when he saw his own blood flowing from the wounds his opponent had managed to inflict. Pounding violently, he felt the hologram under him stop trying to hit back.
Pulling himself up, Chakotay quickly rid the ring of Baby Jake's body and replaced him with two characters who were armed with baseball bats and tire irons. Snickering with glee, the Commander of Voyager leapt at the two not caring when the bat exploded against his temple. Throwing one to the mat, he grabbed the piece of metal from one of the men and used it to savagely beat the other's skull in before tearing into his chest and pulling out some of the bloody contents.
When the other man got to his feet, Chakotay tossed the metal weapon aside and dropped to his knees and closed his eyes, engrossed in the feeling of his body being attacked; a sadistic grin creeping onto his face as he felt the adrenalin surging through his body, demanding to be let out. Ignoring Boothby's cries for him to fight back. All the while, the faceless voices in his mind started getting louder and louder.
****
Commander Chakotay walked, or limped as it actually was, out of the holodeck an hour and a half later. He had actually killed seventeen holodeck opponents in some of the most violent ways possible and only stopped because his reserved time was through. Reenacting that safety protocols, the man stepped proudly into the lift and got off on the sickbay floor. Although he felt no pain, he knew that his eye was swollen nearly shut and that his leg was probably broken (that guy with sledgehammer really knew how to work it, but his face caved in nicely when slammed with one of the ring posts Chakotay had actually pulled up with his bare hands).
Entering sickbay, the First Officer was immediately bombarded with questions from the EMH about what happened. "I told you Doctor, I don't wish to talk about this any further. Fix my body up and let me be on my way."
The EMH was livid. He knew that the Commander had used the holodeck without the safeties on, but he didn't know why and that was the most important question of all. As he waved the dermal regenerator over Chakotay's bad eye, or at least the worst one, the EMH spoke. "I know that you used Holodeck Two without the safeties on, but I want to know why. I don't want to see you hurt, permanently that is, and that's exactly what's going to happen if you aren't careful." Chakotay snorted.
"I have my reasons for looking like this, but I promise that I won't do what I did ever again." Disregarding the pain in his chest when he breathed, the injured man heaved a heavy sigh. "I would request that this not be reported to the Captain, or maybe a toned down version submitted to her." Seeing the aghast expression come over the hologram, Chakotay pushed on. "I know that you may not like that, but I don't want anybody else asking me about this."
"Commander, you know that I must report all patients to the Captain everyday and scrimping on no details."
"I'll make a deal with you. I will give you every one of my holodeck rations I have left to do with what you please if you agree to not tell the Captain or anybody else about this." Seeing the Doctors expression light up, the Commander went on, if only to sweeten the deal. "I've heard about your golf swing, maybe a few rounds on a sunny beach would be just what the doctor ordered, no pun intended." The hologram threw a half-hearted grin at him at the joke. Chakotay could tell the Doc was nearly sold, so he threw in a little extra to push him over the top. "I can assign Tom Paris to sickbay, so you know that you know your station is being covered. The deadline on accepting this deal is in ten seconds."
A war raged in the EMH's computerized mind. He could work on his swing, or maybe just do some regular sightseeing on some of the beaches. The concept of Mr. Paris being locked into sickbay during this time was making his fake eyes dilate with glee. "Well, I suppose without any holodeck rations there would be no way for you to be alone inside one of them with the safety protocols off. The only way you could get into one of them is if there were a ship wide invitation and that would be something the entire crew would no doubt be going, so there would be plenty of people there. I suppose the Captain doesn't need to be make aware of this in any great detail, but if this EVER happens again I will tell her and you will not be able to just try to buy your way off of this."
Seeing Chakotay nod his head slightly, the EMH turned off his equipment and walked the now healed Commander to the door. He never noticed the brain activity chart that showed a slight, but steady decline overall for the past few hours.