Janeway left her and Kashyk's quarters the next morning and headed for the lift. She was a bit sore, but the good kind of sore that she hadn't felt since Mark. Stepping into the lift, she saw her First Officer heading in the same direction and she kept the doors open for him, hoping to maybe clear the air after last night. Maybe after getting some sleep, he had come around and started seeing things her way.
Chakotay walked toward the lift and saw his commanding officer waiting for him, but he didn't speed up or slow down. After his bargaining with the EMH just a few hours before, he had retuned to his quarters but sleep had evaded him. After simply replicating a pot of coffee, he read and reread the pads that the crew had submitted. He had a quick shower and replicated a new uniform after ripping the other one in half in the holodeck. Food was the last thing on his mind right now, but felt no hunger. He hadn't eaten at all last night or this morning and his body was telling him very distinctively that if he ate, he would regret it.
Getting in, he simply aligned himself against the wall farthest from her and stood perfectly straight, ignoring the other person in the lift with him. Looking at the walls in fascination, Chakotay saw the panels and the lights all seem to trail in an odd sort of psychedelic sort of way. No matter what would happen, his head wouldn't allow itself to look at the woman next to him. He didn't want to see her pity directed at him.
Kathryn watched him with amazement. Even after their worst fights, Chakotay always said something to her. He just stood there like a statue. His hair looked matted and his clothes a bit wrinkled. Trying to break the ice, Kathryn hoped that he wasn't going to snap once he heard her voice. "Good morning Commander." She watched as he slowly turned his head to look at her and her heart stopped at what she saw. His eyes still looked dead as they peered at her, turned into a look of realization, and then he turned his head back forward as if he had no idea as too what she said.
Chakotay heard her words and now looked at her. His mind flashed images of their conversation from last night and he felt his blood go cold. Any remark he would have made died on his lips as he took in her almost defensive posture. He could almost feel cold air radiating from his body in her direction, as if attacking her.
Hitting the bridge, Kathryn practically ran from his proximity. The comfort that he always exuded wasn't there, and she didn't like what he had replaced it with. Besides, forced to admit it, she kind of missed the warmth of his expression.
Getting onto the Command Level, she jumped right into the fray demanding reports while subconsciously keeping one eye on what her First Officer did. She watched as he woodenly got out of the lift and how he eased himself into his chair before checking his terminal all without making a sound or facial expression.
Chakotay couldn't understand why Kathryn kept throwing glances in his direction, but he was getting steadily more annoyed at her. Occasionally, someone would ask a question of him and he would simply nod or shake his head, beyond that, no effort seemed necessary. He couldn't understand why people kept on looking at him at him, but for some reason it just didn't matter much anymore.
Behind the backs of everyone, a beep signaled the arrival of a lift occupant and nearly everybody (void the First Officer) turned their heads to see the ships Ambassador stepping onto the bridge. Neelix got out of the Turbolift carrying a bowl in his hand and a smile on his face and head straight for the Command level. Seeing the odd look from his Captain, the little Talaxian continued toward the First Officer seated beside her. "Commander, the Doctor asked that I give this too you. He said according to his scans last night, you seemed to be a bit malnourished and he wants you to remedy that. This is Mushroom Soup, I heard it was your favorite."
Chakotay seemed a bit perplexed as to what too say to the little furry man who was eagerly forcing the hot bowl into his hands. Raising his hands, which were shaking for some reason, he softly handled the object before nodding his head at the delivery man. Once he saw Neelix get into the lift once more, Chakotay took a tentative sip. It tasted like lead and he could feel his entire stomach revolt at the concept of getting any more of that… stuff. Getting to his feet, the Commander woodenly turned his head around and spotted the replicator. Walking with almost painful stiffness, he got to it and promptly recycled it and sat back down. He never made eye contact with anyone and didn't make a sound.
Kathryn shot her First Officer a questioning look, but he just seemed to be oblivious to her. Mentally, she examined their physical positions and audibly gasped at what she found. Her body was directed at him (like it always was, even when they had fought), but his body seemed to be doing anything possible to be as far away from her as he could. There were actually inches left on his seat on her side that he was refusing to take up for some reason. His entire unconscious body was rejecting her. It almost made her cry.
Rising to her feet, Janeway decided that enough was enough. "Commander Chakotay, please accompany me into the Ready Room." He slowly nodded his head before he rose and went toward the door that she had been keeping open for him. Once inside, her tirade began.
"Okay, Chakotay what the hell is going on here?" Getting to her desk and plopping down in the chair, she waited for his response.
Following her, Chakotay stood at attention before her with his barren eyes looking into hers, yet he felt no warmth inside like normal. "Nothing, Captain." His voice was stale and hallow, like he had just been given a death sentence.
Hearing his voice, Kathryn winced visibly. It was, if possible, more toneless than yesterday. She knew he was hurting still, but… this? "Don't lie to me, Commander. What's wrong? Neelix gave you soup that the Doctor told you too eat and yet you refused to eat it."
Chakotay could feel anger start to boil up in him, demanding to be let loose on her. "It's nothing, Captain. Ever since last night, I have thrown up at the thought of eating and that stuff out there tasted like dirt."
"You haven't eaten since last night? God Chakotay, you are always harping on me about eating and sleeping. How could you of all people forget to eat?"
Hearing his name from her mouth would normally have given the man a feeling of warmth, it now had the opposite affect. "I have memories of doing that, but the reasons no longer seem to matter to me." Seeing Janeway's shocked expression, he spoke once more. "Never call me by my name ever again. Names are used by friends and family and you are neither." At Kathryn's expression of horror he continued, pulling all of the anger he had at his disposal. Years of promises, both verbal and non verbal, and it all ended in one great betrayal. "I may have made a promise to stay by your side and fight along with you, but you don't need me any farther and as such I withdraw that promise and leave you too your own devices."
Kathryn reeled at that. Her best friend was giving up on her. She knew that with Kashyk, there would be a time of readjustment, but this was ending everything. "But, why? We can still be friends, right?" The woman who had faced so many threats was on the verge on tears, but the Commander didn't care.
"No, we can't. I'm sorry for your loss, but as you basically told me yesterday, it's over. All of it. Dinners, laughter, conversation, everything. You are lucky, you have your lover to do that with now." Kathryn cried openly, not caring that people were going to be filing in for a meeting in less than ten minutes. "You should be laughing with victory, Captain." At her shocked expression, Chakotay continued. "This is what you asked for last night. You wanted freedom from me and now you have it. You have succeeded. The price I paid to be able to give you that was everything I had and more, and the full scope of this you may never learn of. I have one final chore that needs to be done during the staff meeting and when that happens, both of our new lives will commence." During his talking, Chakotay's voice never raised in volume or intensity and his face never changed from the blank look he had adopted after their words last night.
Janeway wondered if this feeling of complete loss was anything like what he felt when he heard that she was in love with another man. She had finally pushed him too far and this is what happened. She had wanted him to get over her, but this isn't what was suppose to happen. This was 'all or nothing.' Maybe this could be fixed with time, he hadn't said anything to hurt her feelings and, after a while, perhaps something could be formed between them. "We have a senior staff meeting in a few minutes and I intend on informing them about my decision to keep Kashyk on Voyager and people will no doubt want to hear your thoughts on the matter." She waited to see any sort of reaction upon hearing of her and her lover once again, but nothing happened. "Are you prepared to speak then?" Seeing his blank look that said nothing and his continued silence, Janeway counted to ten in her mind.
Getting up, Kathryn walked across her desk and stopped inches from her second in command. He faced front and never turned his head to look at her. Reaching her hand up to his face, Janeway touched his cheek hoping that would do something to reach him so deep in his mind. She knew that whenever they touched, they both felt a jolt so she knew what to expect. This time, no jolt happened to either of them. Gasping at him, Kathryn pulled her hand from his face. He felt cold and lifeless. It wasn't just his eyes, his entire body seemed dead. "Oh my god. Chakotay, what's wrong with you?"
All he could do was look down and think for a moment. Returning to her eyes, she still found nothing inside of him. With his anger gone, her words didn't penetrate the fog of misery that engulfed his brain. "Nothing, Captain," was all he could think to say. Whatever she was about to ask was cut off rudely by the door chime. Silently, the man beside her walked to his usual seat and awkwardly sat down. Swallowing her questions, for now at least, the Captain allowed entry.
The meeting went fairly swiftly and Chakotay actually answered some questions about the Padds he had been given to read, but everyone knew something wasn't right. He sat in his seat, eyes forward most of the time, but every now and again, he would suffer from a facial tick. Finally, Kathryn bade them all quiet as she prepared to let them know about her living situation from now on.
"Okay everyone, there is one more bit of business to attend to. You all know that the today is the day that the D'vor inspector Kashyk is leaving the ship, as we have cleared their space?" Seeing peoples nod in assent, she continued. "There has been a change in plans. Kashyk and I have fallen in love and he has agreed to stay on Voyager with me until we reach the Alpha Quadrant." Hearing gasps from the other's, Kathryn stole a look at Chakotay, who looked as stiff and emotionless as ever. "I know that there will be a time of adjustment, but I think after a while you will all come to see Kashyk as the person I already know he is." Closing her eyes for strength, Kathryn reopened them and looked at her number one. "Commander, do you have anything to add?"
Chakotay, not seeing the looks of sympathy people were throwing him, simply got up painfully from his chair. "The Captain's personal decisions are none of my business. In order to help Kashyk fully integrate into Voyager life, I am hereby submitting my resignation, effective in one week. During and after that time, I intend on searching for an M-Class planet to settle on." Seeing the shocked expressions from his one time friends and the devastated look Kathryn emitted, Chakotay explained furthur, still with his now typical blank expression. "Given the inclination for the crew to see the Captain and I to get together, so long as I walk these corridors, Kashyk would never be fully accepted. Pardon me, I don't feel very comfortable in here." With great physical effort, Chakotay walked out of the room, leaving an astonished senior staff in his wake.
Silently cursing him, Janeway turned to her staff. She had hoped to talk with him after this was over. "Dismissed. Tuvok, could you stay please." Quietly, the room started to empty, but her oldest friend on the ship still sat. No one who left even looked at her, but she did see that their eyes spoke of betrayal and for some reason, she knew it wasn't directed at Chakotay. Before the door closed, she swore she could here Paris make a comment like 'Guess we know why Chakotay snapped.'
Janeway, under the pretence of being calm, went behind her desk and sat. Could this day get any worse?
Tuvok rose from the seat he had occupied during the staff meeting and sat directly across from his Captain. He knew that this was going to be a fairly personal conversation and honestly had no desire to stand at attention if it was. If she asked for his opinion, he wouldn't lie to her. "Captain, you wished to speak with me?"
The Captain rose her eyes to see Tuvok sitting. For some reason, that didn't bode well with her. "I was just wondering what your feelings are in concerns to what I said in the meeting about Kashyk staying on board Voyager."
"My 'feelings' on this matter are not relevant. I do, however, regret the loss of Commander Chakotay as Voyager's First Officer. That is not a job that I look forward to acquiring."
Janeway nodded softly. "With any luck I can change Chakotay's mind about that, so no plans of moving your place on the bridge just yet. Tell me the truth, what do you think is going to happen if I fail and Chakotay does leave the ship."
Tuvok looked down at his Captains desk, seemingly in thought. Once the Commander had made the announcement, the Security Chief's mind had automatically gone into overdrive at the possible outcomes. None of the probable ones looked all that appealing. "I regret to inform you that I believe that the divisions between StarFleet and Maquis crew members will start developing once more. Without the Commander too fix them, I fail to see how they could possibly be resolved." The Vulcan had noticed his Captain wince at the suggestion, and took a breath for the next part. "Captain, another thing that needs to be considered is that the Commander spoke the truth before when he noted that the majority of this crew wishes you and he to, and I quote, 'get together.' Even if the StarFleet/Maquis issue does not come to pass, the fall out from yours and the Commanders permanent split may very well be cause for concern. I have observed many times in the past where the crew had started to polarize when you and he had simply argued. This is much more."
Janeway cursed softly. "Why is it that? Why can't they just realize that Chakotay and I aren't going to 'get together?' I understand it, you understand it, even Chakotay understood it. But now…"
Tuvok rose out of his seat. Janeway knew him well enough to know that he was angry at her words. "Captain, with all due respect, I don't concur with that statement. It is obvious that Commander Chakotay harbors romantic feelings for you, or did at least. If he hadn't, your relationship with the Inspector would not have affected him so. I, personally, was one of the crew members that wished to see you and the Commander form a more… social, relationship. You assume that I don't as I have said nothing in support or it. And, if I may say so, if you believe this, why do you seek my guidance? By your own admission, you believed that I would agree with your decision not pursue a romantic alliance with the Commander. Following this line of logic, it could be assumed that you yourself are doubting your decision regarding Inspector Kashyk." Janeway shot out of her chair, preparing to deny Tuvok's words, but the Vulcan simply continued. "I do not mean that you don't love the Inspector, but I have observed your reaction whenever you or someone else spoke of or too the Commander and that does not exist in regards to Inspector Kashyk. I may be Vulcan, but I recognize emotions in others when I see them. Your reasons for not engaging Commander Chakotay in a personal relationship are not logical, and as such I do not sympathize with them. You asked for my 'feelings' and now you have them." Not saying another word, Tuvok turned around and walked out without waiting to be dismissed.
Dropping unceremoniously into her chair behind her desk, Janeway covered her face with her hands. This wasn't the reaction that she had hoped for. Her First Officer had just quit, her oldest friend basically told her that he was disappointed in her, the crew was going to no doubt fracture, and people were going to be blaming her and Kashyk for it as it seemed all of her Senior Staff had just done.
Not one person actually congratulated her before Chakotay's speech and subsequent resignation. Not one person had wished her and Kashyk luck in their relationship. She knew that everyone wanted her and Chakotay to get together romantically, but that wasn't going to happen even if he had resigned and it seemed like she was the only person to accept that. She was in love and it cost her Chakotay! She had to choose and she picked Kashyk.