Leaving the Ready Room just after tending his resignation, Chakotay slowly walked over to his seat and started sending the letters he had written last night, but not wanted to send until he had announced it formally. He had written one to Tuvok about getting him prepped to take over as First Officer and one to B'Elanna saying that he was sorry he was doing this, but it needed to happen. Anybody else was unimportant to him and could be addressed on a case by case basis. The Commander had been checking his mail for only a few seconds when people started filling out of the Captain's personal office. Obviously she hadn't taken any questions regarding her new found relationship or it could have taken a bit longer. Those that walked out gave him expressions of guilt and remorse. Chakotay ignored the remake Tom Paris had given about him 'snapping,' it didn't matter anymore. About ten minutes later, Tuvok left the ready room as well and even he seemed unable to look at First Officer.
Janeway stormed out of the Ready Room looking like she were on a war path minutes after Tuvok had left. Her brief time feeling guilty and bad about choosing Kashyk was over and now she wanted blood, her newly resigned Commander's to be exact. Giving Chakotay a glare that would turn most into puddles of goo, she cursed him silently at his seemingly flippant response to her. "Commander, I wish to speak with you in my Ready Room and I want to speak with you NOW!!!" Everybody on the bridge, Vulcan included, shuddered. The Captain looked like she was ready to burst a blood vessel in rage, but the soon to be deceased First Officer wore an expression of nothingness as he got to his feet, wincing a few times at an obvious physical strain.
Chakotay's fate seemed all but sealed when reprieve came in the form of a hail. *Sickbay to Commander Chakotay.*
Janeway glared at the heaven's for a moment as Chakotay answered. "Chakotay here Doctor, what is it?" His voice was so hollow the angry woman in front of him frowned momentarily. He sounded very unhealthy.
*Commander, I need you to report to Sickbay immediately. I found something I hadn't noticed before in your tests that I need to speak with right away.*
The First Officer was about to answer when the Captain cut in. "Doctor, can this wait? Commander Chakotay and I were about to have a very important conversation that can't be delayed."
*I wish it could Captain, but this may very well be a matter of life or death. The Commander's to be exact.*
Janeway's anger vanished and was replaced with horror. She could hear the gasps from the others on the bridge, but ignored them. She saw Chakotay's blank expression crack as he made a face of supreme annoyance and his hand make a tight fist, but his eyes still looked dead. Pushed to make a guess, Kathryn would gamble that she just heard something Chakotay would have preferred her not hear.
"Very well Doctor, I will head right down." Looking at Janeway, he had the lifeless look back in his features. Silently asking her permission to talk later, she nodded her head this time in fear rather than anger and Chakotay walked painfully over to the Turbolift. This was happening faster than he would have hoped. Already getting around was painful and soon impossible. Perhaps he should have resigned tomorrow rather than next week. With a little luck, he would be off of the ship by the time it got to noticeable. Nobody would see him become like his grandfather, he would make sure of it.
****
"Doctor, are you sure that your numbers are accurate?" The First Officer had only asked the question as it was no doubt expected of him. Chakotay had gotten to sickbay about twenty minutes ago and had heard the words he had been partially expecting. His level of brain activity was dropping without apparent cause and if it didn't stop, he would die within a few days.
"Unfortunately, yes. It's almost as if you body were bleeding it off, but there is nothing I can do and there is no physical ailments I can attribute it too." The EMH of the Federation Star Ship Voyager didn't like being stumped, but this was one time he could think of even a potential treatment. "You have described some memory loss, people's names and such, and pain getting around. All of that is systematic of what's going on with your brain. It's actually a lot like the physical manifestations of a brain tumor."
Chakotay knew what had happened to his grandfather and knew pretty well the timetable in which it happened. "Doctor, what exactly will happen to me if this continues at the present rate and about how long do I have?" He knew that he shouldn't hear his fate, but he had nothing else to look forward too.
The EMH sighed. It wasn't easy telling people how they were going to die, which is why he tried to make it that they never did. "Basic motor skills are first with memory loss second. Eventually, you won't be able to speak and after enough time, your body will stop carrying out the basic functions like breathing. The final stage is when the body will completely shut down and things like your heart will stop beating and the digestive process will cease. But, by that time, you will be far removed from consciousness." Glancing at his datapad, the EMH sighed. "Given the present rate, this should all come to a close in about nine days."
"What might I be like in five days. I knew that this was happening, so I resigned as First Officer and made it effective in one week. Will I be able to carry out my duties?"
The Doc's ears perked up at that admission, but choose to place it second in his reply. "In five days, you will no doubt not be able to walk great distances, if at all, and your no doubt your speech will be slurred. Already you are limping and your joints are stiffening up, in the next few days, you will no doubt need a cane to help you walk. I have no doubt that your beating on the holodeck furthered this along by a great deal, another session like that may move the timetable up by a significant amount. You said you knew what was happening, how did you know that?"
"When I was a child, my grandmother was killed in an unfortunate accident and my grandfather refused to accept what was happening. He refused to think he was going to have to live his life without her. We all thought it was going to be in his best interest to help him move on. Unfortunately for us, we succeeded and he acknowledged her death, but something started to happen to him. He started to loose weight and his joints stiffened up. After a while, he didn't know any names and ended up a vegetable. One day, about a week and a half after it all started, we found him dead." Chakotay paused, and saw the EMH's expression of disbelief. "None of the typical doctors on Dorvan knew why he had died so suddenly, so we went to a shaman. The shaman was very old and claimed to know why and was angry that we didn't. In my culture, according to him at least, it is believed that we all have one half of a soul and that we spend our lives searching for the other half. When we do find it, we are at peace even in the worst of conditions and that we draw strength from it. If something were to happen to your mate after your souls have been joined, your soul will bleed until you die physically. The 'Sharing of the Soul' happens a lot in my people, but wasn't talked about for many years. Not until the Cardassian attacks, that is. It is also fairly common in human's, although no religious significance is attached to it. When a couple that has been married for many years has one of them die, the other tends to follow very shortly, within a year or so. To my people, it happens much faster."
The EMH absorbed this information for a few moments. "Judging by that story, I take it that you recently had you soul torn in two?"
"Yes, my other half has fallen in love with someone else."
"I am going to have to tell the Captain."
"I would prefer her not knowing about this, but if you do feel the need to tell her, please Doctor, nothing about 'Sharing of the Souls' please. She wouldn't understand." Even now, even when his feelings for his Captain were being erased, part of him still tried to protect her.
The EMH nodded and went on with his work after releasing him to his quarters. He knew who the Commander was talking about, the rumor's of Kashyk staying aboard in the Captain's cabin had been circulating. Obviously, it was not just a rumor.
****
Captain Kathryn Janeway strode purposefully toward her quarters to be with Kashyk. She longed for his embrace and the love that he gave her. Her day had been wrought with one issue after another. She had received a few communications of congratulations about her new relationship, but the overriding sensation had been that many were upset that Chakotay was leaving. She knew that most blamed her, but it wasn't her fault, it simply couldn't be. Stepping up to her door, she prepared to fire her code into the computer, but paused when her eye's hit her Commander's door. She had meant to talk with him about his decision to resign and about what the EMH had to speak with him about. Deciding to try some damage control, she walked over and pressed the chime to let him know someone was outside.
The allowance was fast and Janeway saw him sitting at his couch reading some pads. To her surprise, he could barely seem to rise to his feet. "How was your visit to the Doctors?" Trying to engage him in idle conversation first, the woman was determined to convince him to stay on the ship as First Officer.
Unfortunately for her, Chakotay knew what she was doing. "Informative."
Janeway cursed under her breath. "I would like to talk to you about your wish to resign." If he was going to make this difficult than fine. Looking around his living room, she was rocked to see that nothing personal of his remained. Every picture and knickknack was gone. He saw her expression of surprise.
"Don't bother, nothing personal remains in that nature remains. I destroyed all of it, medicine bundle included. As for my resignation, it's not a wish, it's a necessity. I will be physically unable and emotionally unwilling to be your First Officer in a week. Get a replacement, your good at that." Kathryn didn't like the sound of this in the least.
"Why did you destroy your things and why wouldn't you be able to physically be my number one in a week?" She knew that she didn't want the answers to either question, but she had to do something. He couldn't leave her.
"I've lost over ten pounds since yesterday, I can't eat without throwing up and it hurts to move. My brain is always in a sort of haze and nothing is going to help."
"Stay aboard, Chakotay." At the sight of his head snapping up to hers abruptly, Janeway ignored his silent objection to his name. "The Doctor can help you. I need you on Voyager, don't leave me."
"First of all, I'm leaving this ship and nothing you are willing to do is going to change that. Second, I told you before, don't call me by my name, you lost that right. The Doctor can't help me as what's happening to me as it all is engrained into my religion, and he told me so himself. Finally, you left me and than forced me to leave you." Galvanized, the man jumped to his feet. "I gave up a lot when you chose to finally get a personal life and unless you feel like hearing all of it, I suggest you walk out of here right now."
Janeway stood her ground, she had to know what he was eluding to. "What? What did you give up last night?"
"I gave my life." Kathryn gasped and stumbled backwards, her mind refusing to admit it were true. "I told you didn't want to hear it. It's not your fault. You never asked for me to give you the power that you had, so obviously you didn't know that you tore me too shreds when you threw Kashyk at me and claimed not to love me. The best parts of my life have been obliterated, my ability to meditate is gone and I no longer walk with spirits. They have abandoned me, just like I have abandoned hope. I have only the embrace of death to look forward to, and I can only wish that it comes sooner than later."
Janeway's mind floundered. "But, I can help you get it back. If you stay on Voyager, we will work together to help you through this."
Chakotay weakly snorted in contempt. "No, we can't. You have a life now Captain, and the longer we stay next to each other, the more the crew will reject Kashyk and after a while I'm sure he would start getting jealous." Janeway wanted so desperately to deny his words, but she knew it was true. Kashyk would get jealous and who could blame him if he did?
When he realized that anything she was tempted to say before was now halted, he continued. "If something happens to your soul, your body reflects it. I gave you my soul on New Earth and that's been what has feed us these years. That has been the spark when we touch, the reason our bodies feel the pull while sitting on the bridge, the reason I found peace of mind. It hasn't been there because that connection has been severed and now my body is reflecting it. I knew that this would happen, but it had to be done. Think of it as the last act of the man who loved you." Chakotay dropped his head, seemingly in sadness although his face never showed one emotion during his words. Janeway on the other hand was crying openly.
"Captain, if it is any consolation, according to my people, once it is done, there is no return known return. You can't fix this. When I leave the ship, everybody will assume that I've gone on to happiness and, with time, you and your lover will be accepted. I told you I had given you more than you thought."
Janeway fought the confusion and fear that racked her mind. "How come you never told me about this before? Why would you give something like your happiness, your hope for me?"
"You would have never listened to me. How would the Captain of Voyager have responded to such words? I gave what I did because I had to respect the promise I made you and because I loved you. I use past tense as once we were severed, my feelings for you, and by extension every wonderful things I had associated with you, vanished. I promised to make your burdens lighter and by refusing to accept your lover, I wouldn't have done that. The problem was that in order to accept him, I had to let you go and willingly give up and allow my very spirit to be crushed. My want to continue this journey has died and my spirit shattered. It's all gone just as it should be, just as it has to be, so you can move on with your life. I am void of life, hope, and peace. You have a chance at happiness, Captain, go with it."
Chakotay saw the internal war in her eyes and that the questions were mounting in her mouth. Not wishing to talk any more, he walking over to her, he simply looked into her eyes, grateful that she no longer mattered to him in that way any longer. "Goodnight Captain and sleep well. One of us should." Steering her over to the door, the Commander simply pushed her out in the hallway.
****
After being basically ejected from Chakotay's cabin, Kathryn trudged over to her own quarters and swiftly entered. In her quarters, Kashyk demanded to know why she was next door. "Kathryn, I head you over there. Has he been trying something with you? I swear if he has, I will kill him!"
Janeway had to physically restrain herself from slapping him across the face in rage. "Kashyk, Chakotay hasn't been doing anything to me. He's been acting… odd lately and I needed to talk with him. Besides, he is my Commander and if I need to speak with him after his and my shift have ended, then that's what I'm going to do. We talked about this before Kashyk, I am the Captain of this ship and as such I sometimes need to sacrifice my personal time to make sure that everything on Voyager works the way it should. If you can't accept that than perhaps we are going to have to reevaluate what's been going on between us." She saw the look of supreme disbelief mixed with anger cross his features. "I'm sorry, but you knew that there were going to be some contingencies along with this relationship. Welcome to one of them."
Feeling her anger subsiding, Kathryn looked down at her table and saw the dinner Kashyk had prepared for her and she suddenly felt a wave of guilt pass over her. However, Janeway's resolve re-strengthened when her eyes found themselves staring at the wall she and Chakotay shared. She had made him sacrifice far more than a few minutes, Kashyk would be no exception. "Look, I'm not hungry right tonight. We'll talk sometime tomorrow, I promise." Kathryn picked herself up and started towards her bedroom.
Thinking that there were about to officially make up, Kashyk quickly rose from where he had been sitting and started pulling at his belt.
Kathryn saw this, but stopped him. "Kashyk, I'm not really in the mood for that tonight and besides, I need to be alone tonight to think about some things." Although she couldn't have been sure as it happened very fast, Janeway would have sworn Kashyk leveled a murderous glare in her First Officer's direction.
What ever he was thinking was quickly masked by kind words. "I understand, we can just talk more tomorrow. I just get a bit envious when other men, who I know have crushes on you, start spending time with you after hours. Take all the time you need, but if you change your mind, I'll be on the couch."
Kathryn felt her heart start to melt at the apparent act of selflessness. She was tempted to renege and take him to bed with her, but decided that one night wasn't too much to spare when she knew that they had an entire lifetime ahead of them.
Entering her bedroom, the woman quickly shed herself of the uniform and got under the covers. For the first time in many days, Kathryn found herself putting her hand against the wall she and Chakotay's bedrooms shared. It had become a bit of a tradition for her before, but she had stopped when her bed had gotten a fulltime partner. Feeling the cold bulkhead under her palm, Janeway wondered why she would be so inclined to do this now, but here she was. For the first time since her romantic relationship with the D'vor inspector had started, she found herself asking a question that just days ago would have been absolutly heretical: 'Did I make the wrong decision?'
Unknown to her, Chakotay found himself doing the exact same thing in his own quarters. He tried to stop his body from performing this old act he had performed countless times before, but it did it anyway. But, why?
****
Kashyk lay on the Captain's couch with a scowl on his face. For the second time in as many days, Kathryn had come home and groused about that First Officer of hers. How dare that man try and steal his woman. Obviously he had no sense of right and wrong. Perhaps he was going to have to teach this 'Chakotay' a lesson in manners.
Leveling another smoldering glare at the wall as he felt something burying itself deep into his spinal column, Kashyk started to plan. Kathryn is and always will be his and nobody was going to stop that.