Over the course of a few weeks, Moira visited Sirius and Remus many times. Each time, Remus looked forward to seeing her appear in his fireplace, when, for a few seconds at least, he could entertain the hope that she wanted to see just him. Of course, that was never the case. Always, she flashed him a bright smile that made his heart turn. The dependable smile of friendship, a death stroke to the heart of any lover.
And yet, he entertained the hope still, for that same smile crossed her lips to Sirius, as well. Remus was not so blind as to see that it was forced, as if she were trying to resist him. That she had to resist Sirius hurt, but that she was doing it gave him hope.
Not too much hope. But hope. He was more than aware that Sirius was at Hogwarts often, conferring with Dumbledore and checking up on Harry, but what else he was doing there, Remus did not know.
He was sure he did not want to know.
So when Moira appeared in the living room one evening after Sirius had left for Hogwarts, Remus was curious.
"Moira!" he had exclaimed as she extricated herself from the fireplace, dusting soot from her shoulders as the flames behind her returned to their natural color.
"Hi." That smile again. "I came to see if I could borrow those books you used for your third years. You had said they were useful, so I-"
"Yes, of course. They're just in the library." He rose from the couch. "It may take me a moment to find them, but if you would like some tea-"
"No, thank you." The words came quickly. He stared at her for a moment. Something was wrong. He knew this look from her, this tone of voice. She wasn't here for the books alone. He went to the library and found the books quickly. They were sitting on his desk with his old lesson plans. He had stacked them together, planning to give them to Moira to use. When he returned to the living room, she was sitting on the couch, but rose when she heard him.
"Here they are," he said, handing them to her.
"Thank you. I was just a bit lost with what exactly to do with them." She stared down at the books silently. Remus found himself wondering what it was she had really wanted.
"What is it, Moira?" His voice was soft, concerned. More so than he had wished to convey.
"Remus, I'm not sure what to do." She sat down again, setting the books beside her on the couch.
"My lesson plans are inside the top book."
"No. Not about the lessons."
"What then?" He sat beside her, careful to keep a considerate distance.
"Sirius."
Oh. Sirius. Well, what did he think it would be?
"Sirius?" he asked, pushing his own thoughts to the back of his mind.
"I'm not sure what to do. He wants to try again. With us. I just don't know. I mean, we were very young and very different then. Yet, part of me wants to try. The problem is, I don't know if it's out of love or habit."
"Habit?"
"You know, like wanting to hold someone's hand whenever you're around them, because you always hold their hand. Or calling someone 'honey' or 'love' because you're used to it." Her eyes conveyed an emotion he had once seen rarely in her, but noticed more and more since her return to England: fear.
"What are you afraid of?" he asked, voicing his own thoughts.
Her green eyes, so vibrant and bright, became sad. Her mouth turned down slightly. Moira wiped at her eyes, and Remus realized tears had begun to brim on her bottom lids. He fought the resistance to take her face in his hands and kiss her on those down-turned lips.
"I'm cold inside. I haven't felt anything since I left."
Was this the same woman who had visited so often lately, vibrant and alive with wit and humor?
"I don't understand."
"I'm scared, Remus. Scared to go through all that again. It's like- like I want to feel the fire, feel the warmth, but I'm too scared to get near."
"You're scared you'll be burned."
"My scars haven't exactly healed."
He took her hand, holding her fingers gently between his own.
"Yes they have. They can't hurt you anymore. They can only remind you."
"It's the reminding that hurts."
Remus stood and pulled Moira off the couch. Still holding her hand, he pulled her near the fire and held her hand toward the heat.
"All you've remembered up to this point is the burn. Maybe it's time you remind yourself what the heat feels like."
They stood close, their connected hands feeling the heat of the fire, holding each other's eyes. Remus wanted with all his heart to lean forward and press his lips against hers, as he had yearned to do since they were children. He leaned slowly toward her upturned face.
"Remus? Moira?"
Remus turned as Moira dropped his hand. Sirius was standing just inside the door, thoroughly soaked by the rain outside.
"Sirius, you're- dripping," Moira observed.
"It's a bit wet outside. I didn't know you were coming over."
"I hadn't planned on it. Remus was just giving me some information to use with my third years."
"Was he?" Remus felt his eyes boring into him.
"Yes," he answered. "There's no point in starting from scratch when I have everything she needs."
Sirius' stare hardened.
Moira looked from one to the other.
"I should go," she said, gathering her things. "Thank you, Remus, for your help."
"My pleasure. Tell Harry hello for me."
Moira pinched some Floo Powder from above the fireplace and sprinkled it into the fire.
"Moira," Sirius said, "don't forget your books." He pointed to the small pile of books on the couch.
"Oh, thank you." She smiled and stepped into the fire clutching the books. "Hogwarts." When she disappeared into the flames, Sirius turned on Remus.
"What's going on, Remus?"
"I was just helping her with a problem."
"By holding her hand in front of the fire?"
"We were talking about you."
"That's not how it appeared."
"And you once appeared to be a murderer. Appearances can be deceiving," he answered coldly.
"Damn it, Remus!" Sirius yelled. He froze for a moment, then shrank back. "You've fallen for her, haven't you?"
Remus didn't answer.
"Tell me," Sirius continued, shaking his head. "Tell me you didn't fall in love with her. Not Moira."
Remus said nothing.
"Remus!"
"I have been in love with her since before you knew her name," he answered quietly. "Before you ever gave her a second glance, I had everything about her memorized. And before you ever spoke to her, I went to bed every night with her voice in my head."
Sirius stared, shocked.
"Why didn't you ever tell me?"
"And why should I have? Would it have changed anything?" He stared down into the fire. "You were one of the few friends I had back then. I wasn't going to give that up for a girl. Certainly not one that only saw me as a friend. And certainly not when the only thing I had to offer was a chance to get mauled by a werewolf once a month."
"What's changed? Her?"
"That's the problem," he said sadly. "Nothing has changed. I'm still her good friend. When you came in, we were taking about you. She wanted the courage to try again."
"That's not what I saw."
"No, that's not what you saw in me. It's what I saw in her." Remus brushed past Sirius and walked out the front door into the rain. Sirius didn't follow. He just stood in the living room, unsure whether he should be angry with Remus for his confession or at himself for never realizing the truth.
Remus stood just on the steps of the porch, grateful that the weather felt as desperate as he did. Thank the gods for the rain. It hid the tears in his eyes.
A sliver of light shone on the yard. Sirius had opened the front door and was now standing on the porch while Remus allowed himself to be drenched by the heavy shower.
"What the hell am I supposed to do, Remus?"
"About what?" He practically had to yell over the downpour.
"Don't 'About what?' me, Remus. About Moira. What is it that you want to happen? You want me to back off? Huh? Do you want to take her out on a couple of dates and see if she bites?"
Sirius' words were harsh, digging deep into his heart. Christ, what did he want to happen? What did he expect? Some fairy tale ending? Happily ever after? For who? There's no such thing as happily ever after. Someone always gets screwed in the end.
"She loves you, Sirius." The words hurt him, even as they fell from his tongue. "She doesn't realize it yet, but she still loves you."
"How do you know?"
"Because of the look I have always hoped to see on her face for myself. She brightens and her eyes twinkle, just like they did before we all went to hell. Gods, it's in her eyes."
"Remus-"
"What?" He stepped on the bottom step, his arms hanging at his sides, palms up, dejection hanging heavily on his body. "Do you really think I would wish you both to be unhappy for the rest of your lives because of me?" He laughed, forcing the sound out of himself like a cough. "Did you think I was capable of that? That I could put my own feelings above my friends? Above the future of the two people in this world I love best?"
"I didn't-"
"Sirius, don't tell Moira about this."
"Of course not."
"Thank you. Now, go inside, Sirius. I just want some time alone." He stepped down, back into the rain.
"Then spend it in the library, Remus. It's pouring out here."
"I rather like it," he answered, then, too softly to be heard, added, "It knows what I feel."