Tamashii no Unmei
by Sageseeker777
Chapter Seven
We are not enemies, but friends. We must NOT be enemies. The mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battlefield, and patriot grave, to every living heart and hearthstone, all over this broad land, will yet swell the chorus of the Union, when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.
-Abraham Lincoln.
Just off the border of your Waking Mind
There lies another time
Where Darkness and Light are One
And as you tread the halls of Sanity
You feel so glad to be
Unable to go beyond.
-E.L.O.
"Twilight"
Two souls with but a single thought, two hearts that beat as one.
-Freidrich Halm
"Ingomar the Barbarian"
"Gohan?"
"Hm?" They were at the end of the lunch line, where they had to put in their account numbers.
"How often do you dream?"
This was a little awkward with a bunch of people around, but he answered, "Almost every night." He paid his way and stepped aside to wait for her.
"Are they good dreams or bad dreams?" She seemed really into this for some reason.
"Um... Neither really. They leave me feeling good as opposed to bad, but most of the time they're just really strange or realistic, and lucid."
"Lucid? You control your dreams? Cool."
"It depends..." How to word it? "There are some signs you have to train yourself to recognize," he said finally.
"Like what?" Her curiosity was turning fiery.
"Blinking." Gohan took a bite of his cafeteria pizza. Ick, at least it tasted good. None too appetizing. How come on Mondays they only had one thing to pick when on all other days there was a huge selection?
"Blinking?"
Gohan blinked.
"In dreams you use your 'third eye', which is really a generalization for spirit view. You know how they have 'god view' in video games, the aerial one, or first person, where you only see the gun, or any of that stuff. In dreams you can see in every direction and your subconscious doesn't make you blink. If you can train yourself to notice that and consciously do it, you get power over the dream."
"Awesome..." Videl had a faraway look. She was getting excited. "What else, what else?" Very excited.
"There's the weirdness factor." She wanted more explanation. "Most of the time you accept anything that happens in a dream. If you're able to notice it..."
"I get it... What else?"
"Well... You know the meditation we both know?"
"Yeah?" Videl seemed to be fighting her energetic curiosity.
"There's a thing I learned when I was getting into all the different religions and what they were about. Did you know that you can tie it all in with energy? Taking and giving energy, using it unconsciously through prayer, rituals, stuff like that. Quantum physics? That's not based on the will of a person, really, but by the energy the unconsciously spend toward that will. So if you raise your power level before you go to sleep, you can have more dreams, and more strength over your dreams. Sort of... It takes a lot of focus. I only do it as a side-effect.
"That's a lot..." There was a short silence. "Why don't you go to bed more often with your power raised? I mean, you can do anything in dreams!"
Gohan put on an emotionless mask and said, "I don't really like dreams all that much. As soon as I get control, I usually end them."
Videl wrapped an arm around his. "What's wrong?" There was that edge again. He had pegged it down- his mother had the same tone in her voice when she was determined to get what she wanted.
"Most of my dreams have dad in them for some reason. All of them are really different, I'm sure, although I don't usually remember after an hour or so, except for one..."
"You should keep a journal."
"I can't."
"Can't?"
"Whenever I start I never continue past a day or two."
"Hum. Well what's this one that you can remember?"
"Uh- That is, no thank you."
"Go-han," she said in sing-song.
"Well, you're there-" Videl smiled. "And you're calling my name." His mask dropped and his eyes showed his concentration. His head even tilted the slightest bit to the right when he was thinking hard enough...
"That's it?"
"Not recently, no..."
"Yeah? C'mon, I don't want to push you that much."
"Okay, it's just that it's hard, ya know."
"I know, I'm sorry. I just want to help, and you need to get more out in the open, Love." She moved close enough that Gohan could feel her breath on his ear, "It's called intimacy. More important than love itself, right?"
Gohan slipped a hand around her waist and whispered into her ear, "I'll try. You don't have to push. I'll try." A half-hug later they separated and he continued with, "Well, recently it's been more hazy than ever before, except for the part that's always there, you saying my name, and all I can remember is fighting, but not with energy or fists so much as weapons. There's a sword. And I've never fought with a sword, even held a sword. Only seen one used in a real battle once or twice." Memories of future Trunks popped up. "And the only other time something new was added to the dream was after I moved, last year, I could see your eyes. You have the most unbelievable eyes I've ever seen."
Videl had a look of concentration on her face, too, and barely noticed the compliment. She did notice the grammar error, but her thoughts were elsewhere. "That's a misnomer. And you've been having this dream for how long, now?"
"Um... Five and half years."
"Gohan."
"Videl?"
"That's when we first met."
"You're right. But it was even before that, actually. Right after Dad's death, I think." He got a little thoughtful.
"Gohan."
"Yes?"
"You'd never seen me before."
"Yes."
"This is a precognitive vision, dummy!" She poked him in the arm as though it was so obvious he had to be dense as granite.
"Uh..."
A smile crept onto Videl's face. "Cool."
Gohan blinked, thought for a second, then echoed her. "Cool."
"So?"
"So what?"
"What do you think?"
"We're destined?"
"Do you believe in destiny?"
"Well, not really. How about collective conscious will?"
"Argh. I love you. What's this about a fight with swords, then?"
"Well..."
She got that look in her eyes again. "How about we start training with swords! But wait, no, that might be a Cassandra Paradigm thingy-"
"Wha?"
"We fulfill the future by knowing it. There was that one movie... 'Twelve Monkeys'? Angsty."
"Hmm... Want to go to the movies?"
"Gohan, stick to the subject. And yes, by the way." She flashed him one of those grins that told him he'd done something right. Not that he really had to try very hard...
"Well, swords? I'm not too into weapons."
"Just a thought. But I want you to start telling me about your dreams."
"Okay. That sounds nice." More to share with the one he loved.
"Why did we get into all this about dreams anyway?"
"You got me into the lucid part, but really I had a new idea about something we talked about a while ago."
"Hum?"
"What if we live in the minds of others?'"
"I remember vaguely. Yeah, what if?"
"It occurred to me that it could work differently. I can't accept that I don't really exist. What if it's us? Us dreaming up our life here? We might have a completely different life out there, but in here..."
"Isn't that a form of psychosis? But if that's true, who's the protagonist? Is it a mass-hallucination, a mass-consciousness, a virtual world where we're all slaved to a big computer that gives us this imperfect utopia?"
"Oxymoron."
"No, I don't think we could exist without imperfection and violence and all that. I wish so much that we didn't, though..."
A sigh. They turned back to lunch, but as they did two people sat down on the other side of the table. Erasa and Sharpner.
Erasa and Sharpner?
Videl had ignored the girls long enough that they'd just up and moved to a different lunch table, stopped talking to Videl at all. Not that she noticed a big change. So Erasa was a surprise. But finding her with Sharpner, finding Sharpner in school at all, that was a bigger surprise.
"Hi." Videl thought the greeting fell a bit flat, but-
"Hi, Vi!" Except that unlike a normal day, the energetic blond had to force her happiness. Gohan noticed Sharpner put a hand on Erasa's knee, which seemed to change her expression like a mask. Now it was that of a tired, forlorn teenager.
Sharpner cut to it with, "It's only skin-deep." His face remained in a frown. "Payment. I was stupid..." He looked away.
"I think I understand. Isn't this sudden? How'd she get you up so fast?" All pretense seemed to be gone and the conversation just sparked from nowhere.
"She didn't have much to do. She had all the tools on hand, too." He didn't sound anything at all like his previous self. He sounded subdued. Changed. More serious, less arrogant. Like a humorless forty-year-old, no offense intended to humorless forty-year-olds.
Conversation didn't seem to want to start up beyond that point. Erasa made a few tries, but it just wouldn't get going. When Gohan and Videl finished, they looked at the pair and Gohan said what had just occurred to both minds. "Erasa? You and Sharpner, wha?"
She put on her 'blond' expression, kinda blank and seemingly empty. "I found him on the street so I took him in and helped him out, and it turns out we have a lot in common!" She had this bright smile, and it seemed she couldn't get used to not having to match the expressions of the rest of the clique. Except that this little group didn't seem to want to smile at the moment. Sharpner looked... tender? Was that the word for softened features and eyes that almost sighed with one of those undefinable emotions?
"Well. We'll see you in sixth period?" Gohan asked.
"Count on it," Erasa said. Gohan bet that Sharpner would even take classes with the girl. With the way he looked before, with the constant, noticeable changes in his persona, there had to be some serious psychological screwing going on. He was going to latch onto her like... Well, like a tortured human being to what their subconscious linked to the word 'savior'. Bulma was probably a close second, unless he was as angry at her as he would be at whoever did this to him. Just the way things worked. At least insofar as Gohan could infer from what books he'd read. In writing this kind of thing you get insight into it. Maybe he and Videl could help them. Double dates. That almost made Gohan laugh. Had he and Videl been out on a really real date yet?
Today a hockey game, the day before was a nice flick at the movies, the day before that was a restaurant. It felt good. Release. Change. Relating in a whole new way, finding a new outlet for these feelings of connection.
And they had gone with Sharpner and Erasa. Gohan could see them in these stages he had gone through, that he hadn't realized he was going through at the time. Sometimes watching them made him wonder about him and Videl, just how close they'd gotten.
The roar of the crowd was amazing. The 'augh' when a goal just missed, the unison of thought when that thin line was crossed, the helpless rise to your feet as you give yourself up to the scream for your team's score.
What really made it all worth it, though, was Videl wrapped in his jacket most of the game, eyes half-closed, enjoying the closeness. Closeness. Warmth.
Anything but numbness, no feeling. It kept creeping up on Gohan, this strange presence of non-emotion. Nipping away at him a piece at a time, trying to tear him away from his little candle in the cold black.
His breath sped and he pulled Videl closer. She could already tell that something was wrong, and kissed his chin to let him know she knew. Looking at her, her eyes, he didn't have to fight anymore.
Until the game was over. Walking home, making idle chatter with their friends, Gohan just felt the smile slide off of his face. Nothing was wrong. Just getting a little less fervent. Couldn't use the muscles in his face to smile no matter how hard he tried, but that was just because he was tired, right?
Everything started to look a little bit darker. Or clearer.
Videl grabbed his hand and skipped ahead, splitting from the others with a wave and a farewell, and when they were out of sight she pulled Gohan close and looked into his eyes.
It took him a second. Blinking, he found himself toe to toe with Videl on the corner of an empty street.
"It'd be like kissing a fish." Her eyes held laughter.
"Wha-"
"I can't kiss your lips if you don't know I'm kissing you."
Gohan opened his mouth to respond but could only manage a breath. The way his mouth kept moving like he was trying to find the words was a little... fishy.
"Now you really do look like a fish," she said. Her eyes softened and she pressed her cheek against his, so close she could see the shimmer of tears in the midnight moonlight. "You better tell me what's wrong when we get home. And I want to know right now, so let's fly."
Gohan hid his shock at suddenly being fifty feet in the air but didn't let go of the hand pulling him until they landed on the balcony of the apartment. In a second they entered their heated home and Videl sat down on the couch, pulling Gohan down next to her.
Videl leaned against him and whispered, "So?"
Gohan didn't say a word for a few minutes, trying to order the mudstorm of thought that kept leading to the same depressing conclusion just beyond his reach.
"I'm just seeing things objectively." He declared.
"So that's why you're crying."
"Well... You know how it is, sometimes tears come without a reason."
"Only when you're depressed. And there is always a reason, you just don't know what it is. Is this the one thing we haven't talked about?"
"We never needed to. I'm not depressed."
"Gohan-"
"I feel numb. That's not depressed."
"What's wrong with being down? At least then I can help you."
"I'm not, though. Lay off." His breath caught in his throat and his teeth clenched at his upper lip. Gohan knew he was being stubborn, knew he was arguing with the woman he loved, knew he was being stupid, and he hated it. It scared him, what he was doing as well as his lack of control over it. Like he said, he was in an objective state of mind. Just watching the interaction of words and actions and thoughts. No hand in it.
Angry eyes, Videl thought to herself. He'd never had that shield over his eyes when he talked to her before. It wasn't against her, she knew. He was hurting, and he didn't know why. He was reacting to his pain and against his ignorance and probably didn't even know it.
With his back partially turned to her, Gohan didn't see Videl wrap an arm under his and whisper in his ear, "I'm sorry. And it's late. Why don't we go to sleep?"
Gohan had trouble swallowing, probably because tears threatened to fall if he let up for an instant. He let her lead him by the hand to the bedroom, where he stripped to his briefs and put on a robe before going to sleep.
Videl didn't say anything when he cried in her arms.
Vacation couldn't catch Videl and Gohan off guard. Between midterms and science projects and piles of homework aimed only at taking up time, they managed to talk with Chi-chi about Christmas, Erasa about New Year's, and each separately to Bulma about her project. In all the rough-and-tumble mess that made up that last week before they departed from the city, telling each other that they were going to share someone's brainwaves for a day kinda got forgotten. And in all the warm and fuzzy that followed, it remained sweetly far from the mind.
Greetings were heartfelt. Goten was happy to see his brother again, saying the least. He got all hyper and talked really fast and ran around a lot. There was something different about the little guy, too. Something only noticeable on the edge of perception.
Gohan was glad to see his brother, and if he didn't stop talking he didn't feel weird about being so wonderfully hit by love from all sides. Love of Videl, love of family, the protective love of being an older brother, more and more and more.
In the middle of family meeting again, Videl felt accepted. She was already a part of this beautiful thing Gohan couldn't seem to live with. Couldn't? Was that intuitive? Except that why else would he be alone in the city? Don't let's praise the spire of knowledge that's the Satan City educational system. Especially under all those budget cuts... No, he left because family wasn't enough. Videl didn't want to trust that as the truth just yet, though. Was Gohan her family? Isn't that all it boiled down to? Gohan felt his family broken and distant, however. Could it heal? Or how about transcend what it was? But certainly she was as much his family as he was hers. That only made sense.
Adding the presents they had brought to the pile beneath the tree filled up the last of the empty space. Chi-chi and Goten had molded a beautiful winter scene out of plaster, little houses and children and things. A mirror that was a lake. White cotton cloth for snow. And it was all painted very well.
The couple felt a few hours slip by unnoticed as they talked with Chi-chi, uncannily like the conversations they normally had. Life, school, friends, everything. It turned out that Goten was quite the artist, painting that entire Christmas scene by himself.
Videl was struck in the middle of this stuff when she noticed herself watching Chi-chi's face, unconsciously comparing her and Gohan. She could see where Gohan came from in his mother, but there was a... cutoff point. She could easily find where Gohan differed incredibly from his mother, and it was all of these clashes in ideology and experience that made for good talk and new thought. Gohan and her had shared so much that there were some topics they had come to conclusive endings on, while others that their positions had solidified, even in opposition. But who wants to talk with their mother for hours when the love of your life is right next to you?
On the second day, the first full and glorious day of freedom from hustle and bustle, Gohan woke alone. That jolted him awake enough that he sensed Videl outside in the cold.
Seeing her in the bright glaze of the rising sun, what could he do but wrap his arms around her waist and press his cold nose against the base of her neck?
"Good morning."
"Mm." She smiled the lazy smile of a morning person. Even if it was already nine o'clock.
Gohan yawned and said, "Wha' do you wanna do today?"
Videl took a moment before answering, "You see that mountain behind your house?"
"Uh-huh."
"I want to climb it today."
"'Kay."
"Oh, look." Sunrise could be just as nice as sunset, especially if you didn't have to wake early for it. This time of year the sun didn't really appear until it got over the sides of all those mountains. A three-degree difference between the summer and fall, where it rose over the horizon at True East, but that affected a lot.
"We don't see the sunrise often."
"I don't think I've seen one in a long time. More than a year, anyway."
"I've woken early a couple of times..."
"It's nice."
"Yeah." He blinked. "That mountain there?"
"Yup."
"No problem." Gohan's smile was confident.
"Um... I don't want to fly up there. I want to climb."
Gohan's face dropped. "Well... Cool. We can pack a picnic."
"Make it big."
"Of course."
"No, I mean big."
An anime character might've sweatdropped.
Why did she refuse to fly? Purposely choosing to rough it, no energy use, nothing of the sort to make the climb easier.
"Stop whining."
"I'm not whining!" Gohan called up to her.
"I can see it in your face."
"How can you see my face?"
"Stop whining."
"Bu-"
"Goooohaaaan..."
"Um..."
"Enjoy it. C'mon!"
"Argh."
"Think of lunch."
"Ooh. Joy."
"Whine whine whine."
Oooh! She tricked me! No fair! She knows all about my sarcastic tendencies. Cheap.
"Stop complaining."
"Hey-"
"Maybe I can read your thoughts." Or maybe I just know you. Whiner.
"Humph." He shut up until the cleared the final plateau, sticking a grim expression on his face. When Videl saw him, though, she burst out laughing and couldn't stop for a full three minutes. Oxygen deprivation and stomach aches.
"What's so funny?" Gohan felt majorly annoyed.
Between gasps, Videl answered, "That expression on your face. You look like this." She demonstrated and even Gohan had to smile.
"I tried to look grim."
"That was grim. Sort of." Her grin was starting to hurt. It was contagious, and Gohan was feeling happy.
"At least we've reached the top." Gohan yawned and lay back so that the whole sky was in his purview.
Videl joined him after moving both packs a few feet away. "It's nice."
"I think you're nice."
"Well that's odd, 'cause I think you're nice, too." He put an arm out for her to lay her head on. All that muscle served as a nice pillow.
"Huh."
"Like the hockey game from all the way up in row S, 'we've reached the top'."
"Har dee har har... I think I might fall asleep."
"No... Lunch first." Gohan could barely keep his own eyes open.
But in a few seconds they were both sleeping under the ceiling of the world, a sky stretching endlessly into blue dreams...
Before the return climb, nearing sunset, the two were staring out from the top of the mountain.
It left one breathless, and it wasn't because of the climb or the height or the stretch of miles and miles of land at their feet that they felt a tingling up their spines. That they got a feeling of awe. It was because of the person standing next to them. Atop the world with your friend, your equal, your love; it was a good feeling.
Christmas eve came and went, with Christmas at its heels. Family was starting to feel good again to Gohan. But the day after Christmas...
-*-
Frustration. That's what it is. That's why I'm out here alone in the cold. That's why I didn't bring a jacket. I want to be cold. I'm angry, I know I'm angry, and I don't want to be angry. But it's not really anger. Just frustration, and it makes me want to lash out. So I fight it. I project a wall. That may be worse, but not in my mind. I'm used to the wall. But I don't want to hurt anyone. It's such a simple thing, follow the directions, the incredibly vague directions, and it should get done easily. Even without a battery for the little targeting red dot. And I'm so egotistical that because I can't do it, I get angry? No, it's not that I can't do it, it's that it should work. Why doesn't it work?
It's so cold out here. But if I go inside, I'll be cold on the inside. I don't want to be cold to her. I'll shrug her off or say something. But she'll try to find out what it is, and I just want to hug her right now, just bask in her warmth, but that's like stealing, making her take away my cold. That's what it feels like right now, anyway.
I'll go back in. Here I am. I'll go to my room. Staying down here is like inviting the questions, 'what's wrong', 'where did you go'.
And now I'm on my bed. Is it my fault for expecting comfort. Maybe she's doing something. I didn't see her. I saw Goten glued to the TV. I saw Mom in the kitchen at the sink. I don't feel good. I don't know why. It's probably the cold. My feet are warming up. I'm not tired. I just want to close my eyes and fade away, though.
Tell me I'm depressed. I think I am. I know who I am. I know where I am. I'm just confused about something. Something's wrong, and it's making me frustrated. It isn't the damn telescope anymore. Now I want to cry. What's this, how depressed will I get? I'm even shaking. the house has heat. It's supposed to be at eighty degrees. That's warm, especially right out of fifty-degree weather and a wind chill without a jacket.
The room is dark. I'm cold, and I'm full of food, too. That was a good meal. Bad conversation. Videl looked at me funny. I think my depression may catalyzed just then. I even have an 'Ender Complex'. I can look out from the perspective of the self that observes the self. I'm in third person. It isn't as powerful as right after I read "Ender's Game" but it's there. I can't relate. I don't want to think. My window curtains are spread. I can see Mars out my window. That means I'm facing south-southwest. I never thought too much about that. I love astronomy. I don't know all that much about it, but I love the stars. I've been out there. But I just want to look. Just a peek. And I can't handle a damn telescope.
Instead of feeling a surge of adrenaline in anger, I feel calmed further. I just want to sleep, so I can escape.
Escape what?
My own Self.
It's been festering since that hockey game. I should have let it all out then.
A noise. A click, and the sound of moving air. Videl just entered the room. Light shines from the open doorway at my back. It's more by my feet, actually. On the far left in the wall directly across from the one the bed sticks out from.
She's taking off her shoes. Was she... looking for me? I feel guilty. But I still feel tired. And apprehensive, now.
She's sliding onto the bed, up against me. She has her head on the pillow behind mine, and her arm is slipping around my waist. I can feel warm tears fall down my cheeks. I feel so warm, and she hasn't said a word. Her face against my hair and hear body against mine is perfect. I have her arm held to my chest like a teddy bear. That reminds me. I still have the one she gave me, but with her to sleep next to me, with our love already present, I haven't needed it for comfort. Poor Videl-bear. Poor me. What kind of love do I feel that I run away? What did I run from? Just a hug, and everything would be all better. We might have talked the night away, eventually figured out what was wrong.
My sobs still, my sigh expands my chest so that the feel of her is more pronounced against my back. She kisses my ear, snuggles against my hair. I know I'm going to be asleep in just a moment. I really do love you, Videl. Don't let go of me...
-*-
"Mmmm-nurgh! Gohan... Stop moving. I mean it..." Videl was still sleepy.
"It's nine already. I'm awake. Once I'm awake..."
"Blah blah blah. Nnnnn..." She buried her face in his back, trying to remember the remains of a dream.
"We're leaving today," Gohan reminded her with a yawn.
"Yeah." Videl raised her head and tried to blink the last vestiges of sleep from her eyes.
They got up, but before Gohan reached the door Videl had him in one of magnificent morning kisses that make you not even think about the weird sour taste that sleep and bacteria bring. Melting into an embrace, that's the only way to wake up.
"Morning Mom."
"You two slept in late. And in your clothes, too. Where did you go last night?" Her smile was the kind only a special sort of antagonist is allowed to wear.
"Sleepyheads, sleepyheads, sleepyheads!" Goten started to dance around and chant with a mouthful of toast to yell through.
Gohan managed a lazy smile and said, "What's for breakfast?"
Knowing her evil scheme to make Gohan blush had failed, Chi-chi smiled and answered, "Just some eggs and toast. Nothing heavy, you two have to fly all the way back to the city today."
"Looks good."
"Tastes good."
"Yeah."
Breakfast wasn't really eventful, and the morning was a flurry of packing and good byes and those quiet, calm moments where things ground to a halt for breaks. Those moments were packed full of eye-contact and closeness, as much as could be managed in a five-minute pause.
Home became a reality soon enough. It only took a few hours to get back, get everything unpacked, set the gifts they'd received under the tiny tree they had in the living room.
"That was fun."
"We should go there more often."
"We can, you know."
"I know."
"Gohan."
"What?" he asked innocently.
"What happened that made you so distant from your family?"
"I... It was mostly my father. But you already know that. So you must have noticed something else. How about... I didn't have a support group?"
"But you didn't make any friends the first year."
"I'd expected to. And I couldn't go back there because they were there. I felt as though I couldn't talk when I should be able to, and alone I'm not able to. So I don't feel strange or bad or alienated or alienating."
"I understand." Videl stared at the coffee table in front of the couch. "We're out of milk. And bread. And there's nothing for dinner."
Gohan perked up. "Let's go to the store, then!"
"Um..." Videl slid across the couch and kissed his lips, staring at his wide-open eyes as she whispered, "How about you stay here and I'll be back in a half-hour?"
"Hey!" he whispered back, "It's not my fault I like to have enough food." But his smile told otherwise. Videl could shop way better than he could because he never stuck to the list of things they needed. How long until they used that jalapeo pie crust sitting in the back of the pantry? Stuff like that.
"Yeah, okay." Videl rolled her eyes. "Should I get lunch?"
"No, I'll order something."
"'Kay, Love. See ya." Her smile was something to cling to.
-*-
Bulma turned in her chair in a slow circle. Psychographs, tracking maps, thought levels, chemical readouts, and other simpler things. The shutoff switch, too, in case of emergency.
She looked at her notepad, then at the little red button.
"I hope this is a success."
She pushed the little red button.
-*-
FLASHFLASHFLASHFLASH!!
Happiness.
Bliss.
CHILDHOOD.
Innocence.
Purity.
GLIMPSE.
Father! Power. Strength.
Understanding.
FLASH!
Pain. Loneliness.
Growth.
FLASH!
Growth.
Acceptance.
SELF.
Cowardice.
Individuality.
MORTALITY.
Death. Acceptance. Resilience.
Blossoming light. Fear.
NEED.
Journey.
Knowledge.
BEYOND.
Lifepath.
Future.
FLASH!
Destruction. Father!
Change. Situating.
FLASH!
Return. Others.
Understanding. Striving.
SHADOWLIGHT.
Warning. Training.
Loss. Utter... Mother.
FLASH!
Continuance.
Pain! Compensation. Changes. Acceptance. Dad!
FLASH!
Fulfillment. Escape. Father!
Confusion.
FIRE.
Enemy. The Room.
Games. The games of children. The games of the universe.
TWISTED.
The game played by an unfair god. Loss. Loss. Pain.
Fear. Return. Second abandonment.
PIECES.
Self-hatred.
Lost.
FATE.
Finding.
Hope. Strength.
FLASH!
Passage. Continuance.
Change.
FLIGHT.
Noise without voice. Loneliness.
Darkness.
PINHOLE.
Meetings.
Meetings.
LIGHT.
Denouncement.
Hope.
NEWLIGHT.
Meetings.
Meetings.
GATHERING.
Friendship.
Support.
FLASH!
Love.
FLASH!
Dark.
FLASH!
Love.
FLASH!
Dark.
FLASH!
Love.
FLASH!
Dark.
FLASH!
Love.
FLASHFLASHFLASHFLASH!!
Every blinding burst of light accompanied by a picture, a freeze-frame memory, with all the scent, sound, sight, and taste to go with it. Emotions were like firestorms, nothing stayed the same, thought after thought after thought after thought, burning themselves into the retinas.
FLASHFLASHFLASHFLASH!!
Almost like a roller coaster with no end in sight. The screams must have scared the hell out of anyone nearby, with the two mirroring actions from miles apart, clutching their heads at the temples without any control over bodily function. With restraint, there was only unconscious fury and impossible strength, without was just destruction.
FLASHFLASHFLASHFLASH!!
Whirling, whirling, faster, faster, picking up speed, increasing the pain, burning new records of thought onto the other mind, twisting pathways of memory and chemical patterns and electrons.
Then, a drop of water.
Stillness.
Frozen.
Black.
-*-
The strange thing, Gohan thought, was how tingly it felt. Tingly. Not achy or painful or mind-bending. Achy. And there was this sense of fear he couldn't understand.
A glimpse of heaven? Maybe.
He thought it might be oblivion. Something close. Except that by this point he was usually dizzy and had a headache. Usually 'this point' meant trying to comprehend non-existence at all.
Something had happened, he was sure. He couldn't recall anything that had to do with sending him whisking into oblivion, but this was a decent trip. Too bad he couldn't share it with Videl, though.
Videl... Something to do with Videl. A brain overload. There had been pain. Was something wrong with him? When was Bulma going to do that thing...
Maybe that was what it was. Like that one anime. If your brain believed that it had been destroyed, it would cycle in a coma-like loop. This wasn't like that, though. That would be different. Gohan wasn't sure how he knew that, but he was sure it would be different.
-*-
Videl wished she could feel herself. Something was incredibly, horribly wrong, and she couldn't take it lying down. It felt as though she was lying down and standing up at the same time. But she wasn't focusing on that. It was her worst nightmare. She was alone. She just wasn't strong enough. It was coming. Where was Gohan? Gohan had made that dream disappear. Had he left her, too? What had happened? What was wrong?
This was terrible. Videl's thoughts were getting frantic. She was freaking out. She was getting nervous and scared and she was getting very cold. There were images floating in front of her, everyone who had loved her. Mother, Father, Gohan, a few in the distance, but where were they now? Gohan...
It was here, it was here, it was here!
She couldn't scream! She opened her mouth and felt her vocal cords vibrate and tried and tried and tears stung her eyes and she-
She wanted to cry. She couldn't cry! She couldn't cry. She couldn't cry. She had no eyes! She didn't exist, didn't matter, wasn't present in any anywheres anywhere...
And it was right there. It. Dark emptiness. Nothingness. If she could just scream, he would be here. He would save her. But she didn't matter, wasn't strong enough to help herself.
She gave in. She just disappeared, gave up to the infinity of tears that she couldn't shed. Videl was gone.
Retching, puking, blood coming out of her nose, sweat pouring down her face, Videl was alive. She was real. How had this happened? She dropped down to the cement and cried. Although she didn't know how long, there was a sense that time was different wherever she was. Pushing herself to her feet, Videl felt something akin to a cold wind and shivered, crossing her arms for warmth.
Walking along, it occurred to her to look for Gohan. Gohan... Where was he? Where was Gohan? Had he abandoned her? No... Something had happened.
The thought crossed her mind to look around. For the first time she saw the empty city. It had steel-blue skies and building of pure white. The people were the harshest part, though, because they were gray. Frozen, lifeless, empty people, it was as though they weren't important so they were taken away from this world.
She saw something. The sun came out from behind the single murky cloud, and it heatedly shined down, practically burning. Videl saw something, saw... a shadow?
She walked slowly toward it, felt drawn towards it, felt dark. It felt very dark. Videl's left arm started to feel fuzzy and black, like hate was boiling in her veins. The creature started to taunt, taunt from the shadow amidst sunlight, a space on the dark street where it was bathed in black though it seemed to be midday.
"You are alone," it laughed. "Everyone has left you and you are nothing. You aren't worth the dirt you're made from!" It cackled like a hyena and tried further to taunt Videl.
She saw, though. It was her. It was herself. She stepped up to the thing and whispered, "But you are alone, too..." Her eyes already hurt from crying and what felt like depressurization. The throbbing headache started to fade when she hugged it, though. Dizzying flashes of memory and lonliness and things, and then her pain. And herself. But she accepted it. She held 'herself'. It cried into her shoulder. It stopped taunting and it started to cry.
Videl felt the city tumbling down around her. She felt whole again, but a little disoriented. And sleepy. At least now she could wake up.
-*-
This place, this empty city, Gohan found it comfortable. No people. No one to bother him. No one to have to change for. But the thought kept haunting, that the only way for growth is interaction.
When he finally grasped that wearying thought, it appeared.
And it forced itself on him, with memories of dark times, of the point of self-destruction, at those sparse moments of willingness to embrace death.
Then it waved over him with embarrassments. With all the little things that children do, things that he can't accept because they are so- All the little things that he couldn't abide and couldn't rid himself of. Over and over and over until it just hurt, and all he felt was hurt and pain until he was forced to go super-Saiyan and realize that memory wasn't his pain- He was his pain.
Gohan lashed out, destroyed, destroyed everything he could, everything he could reach, tried to obliterate this demented reality.
"It's easier to hurt yourself than others, isn't it? Yet you try to escape by their pain. By the pain of your enemies. By the blood on your hands, that is your escape! And yet it fails..." the thing hissed.
Gohan was beset by the shadow, it's screams ripping like knives through his ears and taking him to his father, watching himself rip his father apart with his bare hands, the truth unable to shine through.
"And you know why they're all dead? Because you can never escape! Hee hee hee!"
Gohan was fighting again. He was tired of fighting. He was playing out the same battle he had been fighting since a time he couldn't recall.
This terrible shadow image was laughing, cackling, drawing him on, and Gohan's rage grew. Soon the city was bathed in fire and heat, nothing was left. The shadow called, "It's so easy to hurt others, but you can never bring yourself to do what you know is right..."
And the battle kept going. Anger. A deluge of anger, watershed, light and warmth and truth and... Videl. Gohan won. Gohan knew he had won when he remembered Videl because he loved Videl and that was the key. Love.
He smiled.
The shadow-thing screamed it's last and was to disappear forever. But Gohan remembered one particular time, one tiny time when he was probably eight years old, when he had done something...
That tiny, cold little sliver invaded. It reached his heart and he knew that he was vulnerable. Gohan knew he could win, but he regressed and in a fury launched out at the demon-beastie, ripping at it and blasting it and attacking savagely.
"I'll win! I'll kill you, I'll kill you, I'll kill you, I'll kill you!" A whisper, his mantra, his call, his warcry.
And he powered up a blast. A blast that could easily wipe out the planet. 'Boom' it might have exploded.
But then he found himself in a freeze-frame image, of himself in the jungle, the steamy jungle, behind the dark thing. He was holding a black spear, a spear filled with all of the hate and dark and evil and power and blackness of his soul.
He threw it at the shadow. With all the might he had ever mustered in rage.
THWAK!
And it pierced his gut, opening a hole that spewed intestine and blood and muscle and the sharp head of the spear. Gohan stared in awe. In amazement. But his rage boiled over, his hate multiplied by a vast factor and he gathered that hate, launching it with an abyssal roar at the infidel shadow-thing sevenfold. Too late he realized that the first spear had hit. That he had struck himself well.
THWAKTHWAKTHWAKTHWAKTHWAKTHWAKTHWAK!!!
A heap of blood and tissue and bones collapsed to the dark earthen soil. Then the scene changed back to white streets and gray buildings and emptiness.
A dark thing slithered out of Gohan's remains. A dark shadow that rose up, became an image the very best likeness of Gohan.
It smiled wickedly and started to walk down some stairs when its arm fell numb to its side. Blood seeped near the elbow.
Confused, it took another step.
Its gut tore open and blood stained its shirt.
Shaking, it forced another step.
Blood pouring from leg wounds and from its eyes and hair, it hissed, "But I won..."
Its eyes rolled back into its head, and it began to fall face-forward when it burst into so much invisible dust and was gone.
Gohan woke up.
He was in the corner of the living room. It was dark outside.
He rose and looked around. The clock on the oven said ten at night.
Videl!
In a rush, all of the memories from the experience washed over him and he fell down in a tizzy. His brain felt shaken. Maybe if he flew...
Gohan kept his eyes closed as he levitated up and to the balcony door. Once he got free of the apartment, he launched three thousand feet straight up. Slowly opening his eyes, he tried to think clearly.
Videl... Something to do with Videl. I am in possession of new memories. Videl's memories. I feel voyeuristic almost, although not so much because of who it is. I know what it's like to be a girl? Almost. More like an emotion than any sort of knowledge. Like an alien feeling of identity. My brain is already trying to compensate and work its way around.
What have I been doing with my brain? Bulma! Holy- She doesn't know that I know Videl! Could Videl be the other person in the experiment? What went wrong? It was only supposed to monitor and transmit. Should I go see Bulma? Wouldn't she have chased after us? No, she expects us to return. What monitors she has probably don't convey what actually happened to us.
But no. Videl. Must find Videl. Damn, I think I may have broken something in the living room. If Videl got like that... Where was she? Supermarket! So they would have taken her to a hospital, right?
Okay, think Gohan, think.
Closest hospital is... Satan General? Yeah, I'm sure. Not like I go there often. No time for sarcasm you dumbass. Got to help Videl. Got to. But how? They'll know her by sight, right? She's that big ass's- She's Satan's daughter.
What the hell should I do, then? I have to see her. They might have her locked up. If she was unconsciously flailing and stuff and saying things, they might classify her as insane. Best if I just go there and check out what's happened.
He flew to the hospital. Landing on the fourth floor through a window, he walked around until he heard a nurse down the hall saying something about 'Satan', '216b' and 'this afternoon', and on the high hopes that it wasn't about the famous 'savior of the world', Gohan navigated through the corridors until he reach room 216. He knew where he was because of the giant with the 'fro sitting on a large and probably very comfortable chair outside of the room.
It was surprising that he wasn't surrounded by reporters and things, but he might have asked them to stay away for dramatic effect.
Gohan pretended he had full authority, which might actually apply to him anyway even if he wasn't related by blood to the patient, and went to enter the door. Unfortunately, Hercule Satan stood and grabbed his wrist with a mean smirk.
He roared in a voice usually reserved for stage acting, "Who do you think you are, kid? Hey... You're the little prick my men always see hanging on my daughter! How in hell dare you!!" If Gohan hadn't side-stepped, his face might be covered by spit.
Quietly he said, "Get your hand off me. 'How in the hell dare you' even pretend to be Videl's father?" Gohan's eyes flashed, staring straight into Hercule's.
"You little-"
Gohan let his hair flash gold for a second, freezing any reply Satan might have had. He let go of Gohan, but gritted his teeth and made a fist, which he promptly waved in Gohan's face, saying, "You little bastard! I don't care who you are or if you really beat Cell or whatever the hell you're stalking me over! If you touch my little girl, I'll kill you! I'll kill you!!
"Stay away from her," Gohan whispered.
"NOO!" Satan roared, shaking the hall. He looked ready to make a bull rush at Gohan.
All of the fear and dark that had pursued Gohan during the dream made its way to the surface, venting from Gohan's system in a single golden flash of fist burying itself in Satan's gut, probably breaking a few ribs, and sending him flying back down the hall. Gohan didn't want any property damage on his hands.
He strode into the room. It was normal. Quiet. Smelled like anesthetics. There was Videl, still in her clothes. That was one unusual point. Maybe Hercule had gotten here faster than the ambulance, and paid someone to keep her clothes on. What a wonderful father.
Everything read normal. There was a brainwave monitor, pulse, stuff like that, and on the clipboard it said she was sleeping and should just be observed overnight before being released.
Gohan was going to wake her with a kiss when he found himself thinking about teddy bears. Something about how they always gave you a teddy bear when you went to the hospital. How would he know that? And it wasn't those memories he was still absorbing, it was a stray thought that wasn't his...
A kiss? Another thought? This time about that kiss he was going to give her. Videl's eyes popped open worriedly and a little fearful, but then she saw Gohan.
Oh, Gohan...
He blinked. Whoa.
Gohan opened his mouth to speak, feeling this sort of longing and intense displeasure at having to use such an unworthy means of communication, and said, "I'm having weird thoughts that aren't my own."
Videl smiled. "Can we go home?"
I think. "Urgh. Did I do it again?"
She nodded.
"Um... I don't want to violate any sort of procedure, so let's get them to sign you out."
"Okay." She pressed the little button to call a nurse. When one came, she asked for the doctor and was told that one would be sent right away, yes ma'am Ms. Satan ma'am.
All they had to do was ask nicely, probably because the Satan estate's funding was what kept this hospital in business. It was better than the threat that they were going to leave anyway.
This weird thought thing kept coming and going, always at the behest of the user. Sitting on the couch again and staring at each other, they tried to talk.
"I just want to sleep. We can figure this out-" in the morning.
"We have to see Bulma."
"Oh! I'm sorry I didn't tell you about-" the experiment!
It's alright. "I was just a little worried about what happened. This probably isn't what she had in mind."
"In mind." Videl giggled.
Gohan smiled. "Let's go to bed... I feel like I haven't slept in days."
Me too...
-*-
The morning brought thoughts of worry. After a night of shared dreams and warmth unlike anything either had experienced, Gohan found himself thinking about Hercule.
So he talked it over with Videl.
"Maybe... Maybe he was worried."
"I saw all the news vans outside."
"Still..."
"You have too much faith in people."
She touched his cheek and whispered, "Gohan..."
He rolled his eyes and fell back down on the bed. "What if he tries to make you live at your house?"
"All it should take is a signature, or you could move in over there. He's not there half the year anyway, and the other half he rarely crosses into my half of the house. I'm on the same side as the servants, only on the second floor."
"Okay. Well, we should wake up, shouldn't we?"
"To Bulma's house we go..."
"It was active for less than two minutes. As soon as I saw the psychograph readings flying around and making strange pictures, I crashed the whole thing."
"But..." So that entire dream lasted less than two minutes? We were just unconscious the rest of the time?
Yes. I was sleepy, remember? "Do we need to remove them or something, Bulma?"
"No, it's completely organic. Protein strands and stuff. I need to refine this experiment. But you said telepathy?"
"Yeah." Videl and Gohan replied in unison.
"I think I permanently linked you brainwaves. I'm so sorry! Oh God, I feel terrible, changing your lives forever and forcing-"
"Bulma." Gohan had a smile on. "Um... We've been living together for a while, already. And we don't mind the telepathy." Smile turned to smirk.
I don't like that smirk.
I want to kiss you.
Bulma nailed Gohan in the shoulder as hard as she could, screaming about how worried she had been and how he had sent her for a loop and all that.
"Why didn't you try to find us after the experiment was over?" Gohan asked.
"I figured you'd come to me. There was no evidence of trauma or paralysis."
"Blech. Okay, Bulma, we're gonna leave now." He hugged her and said, "If you have any more experiments..."
"See you later, kids."
"Bye."
They exited the lab, turning right to reach the street.
"That was fun," Gohan thought to Videl.
"So fun," she returned. She stopped, though, and thought, "Do you sense that?"
"It's just Trunks and Vegeta."
"Trunks is that strong? I'm only stronger than him by a third!"
"He is a demi-Saiyan."
"If we're gonna enter the tournament, I need some massive training."
"I thought we were leaving it up to the others; if everyone else comes..."
"Why don't we ask Vegeta? He might know what everyone's doing."
"Sure. But still, it's not for eight months."
"So? You always try to weasel out of training."
"Okay, let's go see Vegeta."
"I'm following you."
They walked the circumference of a large dome-shaped building, finding the inside crackling with tension. Trunks was doing some sort of practiced maneuver, and Vegeta was stomping him all around.
Gohan hadn't been surprised when Bulma told him about Trunks reaching super-Saiyan the last time he was here, and that had probably only made him want to spar with his daddy even more.
The kid wiped blood off his lip before screaming, "How the hell am I ever supposed to do it if you never give me a chance?!"
Vegeta chuckled. "That was perfect. And stop your moaning, child! If you fight against the best-"
"You'll never have to worry about the worst," Trunks finished. "You repeat yourself a lot, old man."
Vegeta laughed this time. "And you have no patience, little boy."
Trunks balked, trying to look as stubborn as he felt. That was when Videl laughed at his funny face and announced their presence.
Vegeta wasn't fazed and asked, "What are you two doing here?"
Gohan stepped onto the gargantuan training mat in the center of the dome and said, "We were wondering if you're going to enter the Budokai in August. We don't want to fight if there's no one worth fighting against."
Trunks next to them in a minute, jumping up and down saying, "I wanna do it, I wanna do it!"
"Quiet, child! Yes, of course we're going to enter. When else can we get you pathetic Earthlings to fight for the fun of it?"
Gohan smirked, and Videl noticed that it was like Vegeta's. Maybe it was a Saiyan thing. She hadn't seen her own smirk.
"We'll see you there, then."
"Why don't you come around more often, boy? I need a decent sparring partner for once." Trunks glared at him. "You're less than five minutes away."
"I..." Gohan flashed a look to Videl and was sure Vegeta understood. "No time." This caused baka-ecchi Vegeta to smile in a funny way. "Hey! It's not what you're thinking. Good bye."
"See ya, Gohan! Do you know when Goten's gonna come over again? It's been three weeks!"
"I don't know. Why don't you call him?"
"I haven't been allowed near the phone..." He had this shamefaced look on like he was embarrassed of something.
"Okay then. I'll call him and come over in a few days to tell you."
"Thank you, Gohan!"
"Bye." Gohan followed Videl outside down the path that led out of the compound.
"What a sweet family."
"Oh, truly."
"Are we thinking to each other right now?"
"Um... your lips didn't move."
"Okay, just wanted to be sure."
A silence found its way between them for a bit, and they soon found themselves standing before the park. The pair latched hands and strolled down the sunlit paths of green, trying to lose themselves. It took twenty minutes to reach the little grove that they both loved so much.
Idle chatter felt bad after all that thought-speak. So they started to think to each other about the dream. Both were surprised by the differences in each, depending fully on the person. It was a horrible thing, to face your fear and lose. But in the end they figured that those fears were a part of them. They didn't need them, but to lose them would be a great change, maybe unbalancing.
Gohan held Videl in his arms as the sat on the ground, her cape of silky black hair between them.
"Mm..." Videl thought-whispered into Gohan's neck.
"We had better get home."
"Wait- One thing..."
"Hm?"
"I love you." She smiled.
Gohan hugged her closer, whispering back, "I love you, too." and probably didn't notice the thought slip out, "I swear, forever."
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