SEEING RED by Konnie
A/N: I was a little tired of seeing how Spike-bashing author's used this and how Spuffy author's ignored it, as much as the writers of the show. It happened, and this is my way to deal with it. Don't flame, it's just a point of view. You might wanna read 'til the end to see where its going, because it doesn't look like that at first. If you don't like, don't read. It's not like I'm putting a gun to your head. So review, criticize even, but any stupid insults and stuff, I'll just ignore and delete.
DISCLAIMER: Not mine.
TIME LINE: After Showtime, I think.
RATING: PG-13 for swearing. It deals with rape, so I dunno.-
Enjoy!
Buffy wearily opened the basement door. She was tired. She knew that trail of thought only brought her trouble, but she was. At least maybe this time she was more aware of it, of herself, and wouldn't mess up everything like last time. Or maybe she was just kidding herself. Only time would tell. But as tired as she was, as much as she'd liked to run to her room and hide under the covers, she felt responsible for him. She'd just check on him, make sure he was alright, and follow through with her original plan.
She sighed when she saw his defeated figure, sitting in the dark, chained to the wall. When had Spike become so small? She'd thought about trying to convince him of letting them unchain him, but she knew it was the best. For him. As much as he didn't deserve it, she didn't think he'd be able to take it if the first took over again, adding weight to his guilt baggage. Buffy stopped halfway down the stairs and cleared her throat. Spike looked up and regarded her with a weary smile, she was sure, mirrored her own. They really had been to the end of the world and back, hadn't they?
"Hey there." She said with a kindness in her voice she wouldn't allow herself to use for him in front of the others. Everyone else seemed to have a harder time forgiving him than her. Why, she couldn't phantom.
He waved his hand, causing the chains to cringe loudly. He winced. Grabbing his head in pain for a moment, then smiling apologetically.
"Sure as hell hope you're having a better night than me, luv." He said in a voice as small as he looked. She chuckled humorlessly and , made her way towards him.
"You'd think so, huh?" she smiled warmly at him, and he couldn't keep the smile from his own face, seeing her look so much like the Buffy he'd fallen in love with. Her own thought's weren't so far away from his; well, except for the falling in love bit. But a sense of peace took over her as she saw him wear that awe stricken expression he'd reserved only for her, and that smile filled with affection that she'd often see him direct towards her and Dawn. A hint of the Spike she'd killed last year.
The moment died fast, though. Guilt hit them both. Spike looked down saddened, while Buffy just sighed, shook her head and dropped her hands on her lap.
"So…" she started, changing the unspoken subject. "Feel any better?" he shook his head.
"Still sore, pet. But that'll heal. You don't have to worry about me. Go get your rest. 'Need your strength to fight the big bad, get all superhero-ish and all." She nodded.
"Want me to bring you something? Some…uhm…blood, or something?" she finished quickly. What was with her anyway? She'd dated two…dated one vampire and screwed with the other; she was the slayer, for god's sake, and she still had a hard time referring to blood as food?
He shook his head no.
"That's alright. I'll just pass out cold tonight, feed in the morning. Don't think I have enough in me to even swallow." He winced even as he said it.
Just as she was ready to leave, she rested a hand on his shoulder.
"Ok, I'll just…" she begun, but he flinched violently. Startled, she came closer to him, but he just recoiled further away. "What?! Spike, did I hurt you? What?" she said flustered.
"Shouldn't touch me." He mumbled and Buffy's heart sank, seeing that flash of madness in his eyes she hadn't seen in days. She was almost angry. Shouldn't it be her the one recoiling away from him? "I hurt the girl." He mumbled. She felt the guilt returning, and she backed away a little to give him space.
"Spike…" she said tiredly. "Spike, look at me, I'm fine. It's ok, really."
"No!" he yelled, and Buffy backed away even more. This wasn't crazy Spike anymore, she could see it in his eyes. This was real. "It's not ok, Buffy! How can you be so blind?!" he was obviously more angry with himself than with her, so she relaxed again. Still, they weren't talking about it now. She was too tired for that.
"Spike, I'll just go now. Try to rest, ok?" she didn't intend on giving him time to reply, but the walk to the door was long enough for him to do it nonetheless.
"We have to talk about it, Buffy. We can't… I can't keep pretending it's not there, that I didn't…" she turned around, glaring angrily at him.
"You can't?! well, sorry, but I can. And I intend to keep doing just that! It's my call, and I don't need this right now!" she growled. Spike growled right back at her.
"Bloody hell, slayer! You have a taste for denial, don't you?!" his stare was almost as angered as hers. She walked right back to face him.
"It's not denial. I know what happened, Spike. I just don't want to hear you say it! How sorry you are, how much you regret it." She scolded. Spike lowered his gaze and snorted, with a definitive edge of despair on his voice, he answered.
"Why, so you don't have to stake me? So you don't have to admit to yourself that one of your best fighters is also a rapist?!" she rolled her eyes.
"God, and you call me blind! She hissed. "Yeah, I need you for the fight. But I'm not using you, not anymore." The last part came in a whisper.
"Buffy, what I did…"the pain in his voice finally made her snap.
"What *you* did?! What is the *matter* with you? Was the soul they gave you defected somehow? Why the hell do you feel more guilty for this than for all the lives you took over the years?! You didn't even get to *do* anything!"
"Because you stopped me!!" he cried. She took a couple of ragged breaths to steady herself.
"You stupid bastard. Too wrapped up on your on misguided guilt to see what this does to me." He voice was low, but the feeling in it made eyes chest hurt.
"I…what…?" he stammered. She didn't acknowledged him, didn't even look at him.
"Because it was my fault, you know?" she whispered, and Spike's eyes widened in painful shock.
"Buffy, no!" he gasped.
"It was,…" she cut him off. "I knew how you felt. I knew you wouldn't say no. and I needed… I don't know. And you were just a demon. No matter how much you'd changed. For me. You were ok to use, to be the recipient of my frustrations. I just didn't realize…I *was* hurting you, killing you inside. Destroying whatever good you had accomplished. What happened was you being hurt, not…you were right to do that…I deserved it." She shivered as the memories of not only the attempted rape washed through her. Spike was shaking his head sadly, tears running down his bruised face.
"Buffy…"
"Look, Spike…" she continued, nervously. "for what is worth, you weren't the first to try. X…" she thought better of it. "Someone… a few years back… he was possessed by this thing. Anyway, I couldn't blame him. And I can't blame you. As good as you'd become, you still didn't have a soul. It was your demon who did it, and…" Spike laughed bitterly, taking her aback, while he cried harder.
"Fuck, Buffy, you *are* blind." She blinked, confused. "Listen to yourself, making excuses, contradicting your own stupid reasoning, and don't even noticing you're doing it! Was it the bloody demon who almost dies protecting Dawn?! Was *it* the one who watched over her all summer while you were gone? The one who stood by you, listened to you and tried to help you when you came back?" he sighed, trying in vain to wipe the tears of his face. "You blame yourself, or my demon, and then you don't have to see what really happened. Then it's not real. Just like when I told you I loved you. I am a demon to you when it's suits you, I'll grant you that." Buffy frowned.
"What do you mean? I mean, Angel…"
"Don't bring the poof into this!" he yelled. "I don't fucking now why, but I'm sure as hell you've noticed there's not a bloody split personality case where I'm concerned! So don't bring the whole Angelus/Angel thing. As far as I know, peaches keeps telling that to himself so he won't go mad."
"But, then…" she was looking at him like a lost child, and as much as it hurt him to do this to her, he knew he had to.
"The feelings I had for you, the love I felt, was real, Buffy…"
"I know…" he glared at her, and she looked down.
"It was real. You kept saying it wasn't, kept saying I wasn't able to love, but I was. I loved you. You brought the human in me, and I've always liked my humanity. Yes, it was fucking confusing, trying to be a good guy, while not having a soul, but I tried. You see, Buffy, I do feel guilty about killing those people, but it was my demon doing that. Can't blame a bloke for feeding, can you? But it was me! Me, Buffy, the one that…who did that to you. Not the demon!" she stared at him, eyes wide, also crying, and his voice softened. "You did hurt me, Buffy. Both physically and emotionally. But I didn't stop you, did I? I was willing to take whatever you'd give me. And then I started telling myself that you loved me, so it wouldn't hurt so much, knowing you'd never do. But I was kidding myself, and I did a pretty good job at it. And I was too stupid to realize in time, to let you go and accept that was all I was getting from you. I wanted more, wanted to believe it was real. And you can stake me now, no hard feelings, but don't tell me it was your fault. Because knowing I did this to you, and you feel guilty about it…" he took a deep breath. "it's too much, …just too much." He trailed off, not able to look at her. Hoping she'd say something. Say that she hated him, maybe even kill him and be done with it.
Buffy stared at the broken man in front of her. She felt her world crumbling down. Her heart and her mind being filled with questions and mixed feelings. Finally, the truth of it all crashing down on her, forcing her to face it. She wanted to hit him, to hurt him bad. For doing that to her and for making her feel it all over again. She just stood up, not even looking at him, and left, closing the door with a loud thump.
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Two sleepless nights later, the alarm of the microwave brought her back to earth. She'd been spacing out a whole lot lately. Analyzing everything he'd told her, searching for a reason to forgive him, until she realized that she shouldn't excuse him. That she'd never be able to forgive him for real, if she kept lying to herself. The thing was, she wasn't sure she wanted to forgive him anymore. She was tired. She pulled the two mugs out and sighed. Was she wrong about this too? Was it denial? Whatever it was, it brought a peace to her heart she hadn't felt in a long time, and nothing fake or self deluded could do that, right?
She managed to open the door with her elbow. No 'Hey there' this time, not stopping on the stairs to look at his beaten form. She just stepped down, placed both mugs on the floor and tapped his shoulder. He was laying on the cot, his back to her. He turned around, regarding her through half closed eyes. She saw he'd given up, she was sure he was just expecting her to kill him. He sat up and raised an eyebrow when she offered him the mug and sat down next to him.
"Look," she begun, mustering all the determination she could. "I'm gonna say this, and you won't interrupt, is that clear?" he nodded, puzzled. "I get it now. I was fooling myself. If I blamed it on the demon and myself, then… then it wasn't as real. But it is, it was real, and I'm nowhere near forgiving you yet." He winced despite himself. "But I will, eventually, I hope. Mainly because I owe you to be able to deal with it. Because I know you regret it with everything in you. And because you were honest with me. Even if it was for your conscience's sake. Maybe if I forgive you, I'll be able to forgive myself." He shook his head, but still, there was hope in his eyes.
"Buffy…"
"I'm. NOT. Finished." She scolded. "It's about power, you see?"
"Power?" Buffy gave him a nasty look and he raised his hands apologetically.
"That's what rape is about. It's not about sex, or lust. It's about submitting the other person. It's the same with abuse, really. It's about control. That's what I got of abusing you. Control. When you came that night, you weren't looking to have power or control over me. You wanted control over yourself again. The one I'd taken from you. It doesn't make it less wrong. But it was you being human. Just as the other times when you helped. You screwed up, bad. Humans make mistakes, and that's what you did, you made a mistake." She took one sip of her mug and rose from the cot, ready to leave again. Spike was stunned, but he had to ask her. He just hoped he wasn't pushing his luck.
"Do I stand a chance, then?" she looked at him and smiled. Not tenderly, just understanding.
"For forgiveness? Yes."
"Why? Why would you…" he wanted to believe her so much, but…
"Because you deserve it. You earned it, you fought for it."
As fast as she'd come, she left, and for the first time, the burning in his chest melted down to a comforting warmth, even if it was just for a moment.
THE END.
A/N: I was a little tired of seeing how Spike-bashing author's used this and how Spuffy author's ignored it, as much as the writers of the show. It happened, and this is my way to deal with it. Don't flame, it's just a point of view. You might wanna read 'til the end to see where its going, because it doesn't look like that at first. If you don't like, don't read. It's not like I'm putting a gun to your head. So review, criticize even, but any stupid insults and stuff, I'll just ignore and delete.
DISCLAIMER: Not mine.
TIME LINE: After Showtime, I think.
RATING: PG-13 for swearing. It deals with rape, so I dunno.-
Enjoy!
Buffy wearily opened the basement door. She was tired. She knew that trail of thought only brought her trouble, but she was. At least maybe this time she was more aware of it, of herself, and wouldn't mess up everything like last time. Or maybe she was just kidding herself. Only time would tell. But as tired as she was, as much as she'd liked to run to her room and hide under the covers, she felt responsible for him. She'd just check on him, make sure he was alright, and follow through with her original plan.
She sighed when she saw his defeated figure, sitting in the dark, chained to the wall. When had Spike become so small? She'd thought about trying to convince him of letting them unchain him, but she knew it was the best. For him. As much as he didn't deserve it, she didn't think he'd be able to take it if the first took over again, adding weight to his guilt baggage. Buffy stopped halfway down the stairs and cleared her throat. Spike looked up and regarded her with a weary smile, she was sure, mirrored her own. They really had been to the end of the world and back, hadn't they?
"Hey there." She said with a kindness in her voice she wouldn't allow herself to use for him in front of the others. Everyone else seemed to have a harder time forgiving him than her. Why, she couldn't phantom.
He waved his hand, causing the chains to cringe loudly. He winced. Grabbing his head in pain for a moment, then smiling apologetically.
"Sure as hell hope you're having a better night than me, luv." He said in a voice as small as he looked. She chuckled humorlessly and , made her way towards him.
"You'd think so, huh?" she smiled warmly at him, and he couldn't keep the smile from his own face, seeing her look so much like the Buffy he'd fallen in love with. Her own thought's weren't so far away from his; well, except for the falling in love bit. But a sense of peace took over her as she saw him wear that awe stricken expression he'd reserved only for her, and that smile filled with affection that she'd often see him direct towards her and Dawn. A hint of the Spike she'd killed last year.
The moment died fast, though. Guilt hit them both. Spike looked down saddened, while Buffy just sighed, shook her head and dropped her hands on her lap.
"So…" she started, changing the unspoken subject. "Feel any better?" he shook his head.
"Still sore, pet. But that'll heal. You don't have to worry about me. Go get your rest. 'Need your strength to fight the big bad, get all superhero-ish and all." She nodded.
"Want me to bring you something? Some…uhm…blood, or something?" she finished quickly. What was with her anyway? She'd dated two…dated one vampire and screwed with the other; she was the slayer, for god's sake, and she still had a hard time referring to blood as food?
He shook his head no.
"That's alright. I'll just pass out cold tonight, feed in the morning. Don't think I have enough in me to even swallow." He winced even as he said it.
Just as she was ready to leave, she rested a hand on his shoulder.
"Ok, I'll just…" she begun, but he flinched violently. Startled, she came closer to him, but he just recoiled further away. "What?! Spike, did I hurt you? What?" she said flustered.
"Shouldn't touch me." He mumbled and Buffy's heart sank, seeing that flash of madness in his eyes she hadn't seen in days. She was almost angry. Shouldn't it be her the one recoiling away from him? "I hurt the girl." He mumbled. She felt the guilt returning, and she backed away a little to give him space.
"Spike…" she said tiredly. "Spike, look at me, I'm fine. It's ok, really."
"No!" he yelled, and Buffy backed away even more. This wasn't crazy Spike anymore, she could see it in his eyes. This was real. "It's not ok, Buffy! How can you be so blind?!" he was obviously more angry with himself than with her, so she relaxed again. Still, they weren't talking about it now. She was too tired for that.
"Spike, I'll just go now. Try to rest, ok?" she didn't intend on giving him time to reply, but the walk to the door was long enough for him to do it nonetheless.
"We have to talk about it, Buffy. We can't… I can't keep pretending it's not there, that I didn't…" she turned around, glaring angrily at him.
"You can't?! well, sorry, but I can. And I intend to keep doing just that! It's my call, and I don't need this right now!" she growled. Spike growled right back at her.
"Bloody hell, slayer! You have a taste for denial, don't you?!" his stare was almost as angered as hers. She walked right back to face him.
"It's not denial. I know what happened, Spike. I just don't want to hear you say it! How sorry you are, how much you regret it." She scolded. Spike lowered his gaze and snorted, with a definitive edge of despair on his voice, he answered.
"Why, so you don't have to stake me? So you don't have to admit to yourself that one of your best fighters is also a rapist?!" she rolled her eyes.
"God, and you call me blind! She hissed. "Yeah, I need you for the fight. But I'm not using you, not anymore." The last part came in a whisper.
"Buffy, what I did…"the pain in his voice finally made her snap.
"What *you* did?! What is the *matter* with you? Was the soul they gave you defected somehow? Why the hell do you feel more guilty for this than for all the lives you took over the years?! You didn't even get to *do* anything!"
"Because you stopped me!!" he cried. She took a couple of ragged breaths to steady herself.
"You stupid bastard. Too wrapped up on your on misguided guilt to see what this does to me." He voice was low, but the feeling in it made eyes chest hurt.
"I…what…?" he stammered. She didn't acknowledged him, didn't even look at him.
"Because it was my fault, you know?" she whispered, and Spike's eyes widened in painful shock.
"Buffy, no!" he gasped.
"It was,…" she cut him off. "I knew how you felt. I knew you wouldn't say no. and I needed… I don't know. And you were just a demon. No matter how much you'd changed. For me. You were ok to use, to be the recipient of my frustrations. I just didn't realize…I *was* hurting you, killing you inside. Destroying whatever good you had accomplished. What happened was you being hurt, not…you were right to do that…I deserved it." She shivered as the memories of not only the attempted rape washed through her. Spike was shaking his head sadly, tears running down his bruised face.
"Buffy…"
"Look, Spike…" she continued, nervously. "for what is worth, you weren't the first to try. X…" she thought better of it. "Someone… a few years back… he was possessed by this thing. Anyway, I couldn't blame him. And I can't blame you. As good as you'd become, you still didn't have a soul. It was your demon who did it, and…" Spike laughed bitterly, taking her aback, while he cried harder.
"Fuck, Buffy, you *are* blind." She blinked, confused. "Listen to yourself, making excuses, contradicting your own stupid reasoning, and don't even noticing you're doing it! Was it the bloody demon who almost dies protecting Dawn?! Was *it* the one who watched over her all summer while you were gone? The one who stood by you, listened to you and tried to help you when you came back?" he sighed, trying in vain to wipe the tears of his face. "You blame yourself, or my demon, and then you don't have to see what really happened. Then it's not real. Just like when I told you I loved you. I am a demon to you when it's suits you, I'll grant you that." Buffy frowned.
"What do you mean? I mean, Angel…"
"Don't bring the poof into this!" he yelled. "I don't fucking now why, but I'm sure as hell you've noticed there's not a bloody split personality case where I'm concerned! So don't bring the whole Angelus/Angel thing. As far as I know, peaches keeps telling that to himself so he won't go mad."
"But, then…" she was looking at him like a lost child, and as much as it hurt him to do this to her, he knew he had to.
"The feelings I had for you, the love I felt, was real, Buffy…"
"I know…" he glared at her, and she looked down.
"It was real. You kept saying it wasn't, kept saying I wasn't able to love, but I was. I loved you. You brought the human in me, and I've always liked my humanity. Yes, it was fucking confusing, trying to be a good guy, while not having a soul, but I tried. You see, Buffy, I do feel guilty about killing those people, but it was my demon doing that. Can't blame a bloke for feeding, can you? But it was me! Me, Buffy, the one that…who did that to you. Not the demon!" she stared at him, eyes wide, also crying, and his voice softened. "You did hurt me, Buffy. Both physically and emotionally. But I didn't stop you, did I? I was willing to take whatever you'd give me. And then I started telling myself that you loved me, so it wouldn't hurt so much, knowing you'd never do. But I was kidding myself, and I did a pretty good job at it. And I was too stupid to realize in time, to let you go and accept that was all I was getting from you. I wanted more, wanted to believe it was real. And you can stake me now, no hard feelings, but don't tell me it was your fault. Because knowing I did this to you, and you feel guilty about it…" he took a deep breath. "it's too much, …just too much." He trailed off, not able to look at her. Hoping she'd say something. Say that she hated him, maybe even kill him and be done with it.
Buffy stared at the broken man in front of her. She felt her world crumbling down. Her heart and her mind being filled with questions and mixed feelings. Finally, the truth of it all crashing down on her, forcing her to face it. She wanted to hit him, to hurt him bad. For doing that to her and for making her feel it all over again. She just stood up, not even looking at him, and left, closing the door with a loud thump.
*********************************************************
Two sleepless nights later, the alarm of the microwave brought her back to earth. She'd been spacing out a whole lot lately. Analyzing everything he'd told her, searching for a reason to forgive him, until she realized that she shouldn't excuse him. That she'd never be able to forgive him for real, if she kept lying to herself. The thing was, she wasn't sure she wanted to forgive him anymore. She was tired. She pulled the two mugs out and sighed. Was she wrong about this too? Was it denial? Whatever it was, it brought a peace to her heart she hadn't felt in a long time, and nothing fake or self deluded could do that, right?
She managed to open the door with her elbow. No 'Hey there' this time, not stopping on the stairs to look at his beaten form. She just stepped down, placed both mugs on the floor and tapped his shoulder. He was laying on the cot, his back to her. He turned around, regarding her through half closed eyes. She saw he'd given up, she was sure he was just expecting her to kill him. He sat up and raised an eyebrow when she offered him the mug and sat down next to him.
"Look," she begun, mustering all the determination she could. "I'm gonna say this, and you won't interrupt, is that clear?" he nodded, puzzled. "I get it now. I was fooling myself. If I blamed it on the demon and myself, then… then it wasn't as real. But it is, it was real, and I'm nowhere near forgiving you yet." He winced despite himself. "But I will, eventually, I hope. Mainly because I owe you to be able to deal with it. Because I know you regret it with everything in you. And because you were honest with me. Even if it was for your conscience's sake. Maybe if I forgive you, I'll be able to forgive myself." He shook his head, but still, there was hope in his eyes.
"Buffy…"
"I'm. NOT. Finished." She scolded. "It's about power, you see?"
"Power?" Buffy gave him a nasty look and he raised his hands apologetically.
"That's what rape is about. It's not about sex, or lust. It's about submitting the other person. It's the same with abuse, really. It's about control. That's what I got of abusing you. Control. When you came that night, you weren't looking to have power or control over me. You wanted control over yourself again. The one I'd taken from you. It doesn't make it less wrong. But it was you being human. Just as the other times when you helped. You screwed up, bad. Humans make mistakes, and that's what you did, you made a mistake." She took one sip of her mug and rose from the cot, ready to leave again. Spike was stunned, but he had to ask her. He just hoped he wasn't pushing his luck.
"Do I stand a chance, then?" she looked at him and smiled. Not tenderly, just understanding.
"For forgiveness? Yes."
"Why? Why would you…" he wanted to believe her so much, but…
"Because you deserve it. You earned it, you fought for it."
As fast as she'd come, she left, and for the first time, the burning in his chest melted down to a comforting warmth, even if it was just for a moment.
THE END.