Remus sat up straight on his bed with his feet flat on the floor and his hands in his lap. His amber eyes stared unfocused at the bare white wall before him. His thoughts were unreadable to the doctor who peeked in on him through the window in his door. She made a few marks on her chart, pausing to push a lock of silver hair behind her ear, before addressing Albus Dumbledore, who stood beside her, his blue eyes mirroring the concern he felt.
"You're sure he's not being rushed?" He fingered the tip of his beard, a habit he had had for years when he was unsure of himself. It wasn't done often, but it was a habit nonetheless.
"No. He's as ready as he will ever be. He has learned to weigh what is before him, to make good decisions on which memories are real and which are not. What he needs now is a familiar surrounding in which to piece his life back together." Her gray eyes landed on his long fingers twisting about the beard. "Albus," she said, reaching out and taking his hand. "He will be fine."
"You're sure, Anya?"
"In this field, it's impossible to make promises. But I have a good feeling about him. He wants so badly to live a normal life. I hope he gets the chance."
"There are advances in potions everyday, Anya. You, as a doctor, should know that."
"I do. But it's not his lycanthropy that hinders him. It's his guilt." She stared again through the small window, where Remus had not moved from the bed. "He is highly sensitive to the people around him. He bears a great amount of guilt and pain for things and people he had no control over. I fear it will be his undoing."
Sirius sat waiting in the living room, his elbows on his knees, for Dumbledore to return to the house with Remus. He'd been in the care of St. Mungo's for four months, dealing with everything that had happened to him. Though he could not talk Moira into joining him, Sirius has looked in on Remus a few times, peeking in through the narrow window to see his thin figure reading or writing or merely sitting on the bed. They had spoken not a word since Remus had first awoken. And now, he was coming home. What would happen? What would be said? Sirius had considered disappearing for a few weeks, giving Remus time to adjust, but both Dumbledore and Dr. Saluria had talked him into staying.
He would need help, they had explained. He would need his support and his friendship.
So here Sirius sat, in wait, absently biting his nails, watching the fireplace. Suddenly, he heard a low rumble and Remus stepped out from the hearth, followed closely by Dumbledore. He was pale and thin, his eyes tired and dull as they wistfully took in the surroundings. Sirius stood when those amber eyes landed on him, unsure what emotion they would reflect or what words would be said.
"Sirius, how are you?" The words were so generically cordial.
"Good. How are you, Remus? You look better."
"I look like hell." He pressed a humorless thin-lipped smile.
"Remus," Dumbledore said, laying his hand on his shoulder, "why don't you go upstairs and get yourself settled."
Remus nodded and headed up the stairs. When they heard the creak of his footsteps crossing the ceiling to his room, Sirius spoke.
"Is he going to be okay?"
"Dr. Saluria believes with a little time, he will be much better. However, it is possible that he will never quite be the same."
"Never?"
"Sirius, what he has gone through will be with him for the rest of his life, just as your captivity in Azkaban will be with you." The old man's eyes flitted to the ceiling for a moment. "We are just lucky that his memory does not extend itself to the night at Hogwarts. He knows only what he has been told and does not remember the details of the horror itself."
"What does he know?"
"Only the basics. He was taken to Hogwarts and was a danger to the children. You, Severus, and Moira tried to stop him. He does not know that he nearly destroyed Gryffindor Tower, nor the extent of the injuries inflicted on you three or the students, though I imagine he has some idea."
Remus turned the faucet and allowed the water to warm up before stoppering the tub to fill. Steam began to rise about him in the small bathroom as he unbuttoned his shirt and shrugged it unto the floor. Turning to grab a towel from the cabinet, he caught his reflection in the mirror on the door.
The image seemed foreign to him. Solemn and shaggy haired. Only the scars that covered his chest and shoulders were familiar. A new one had been added, the pink of new-healed skin drawing attention to the three inch scar just to the right and above his navel. He touched it gingerly, expecting to feel the pain of his cutting flesh, but instead was blinded by images flashing through his brain.
He could hear screams all around him, enraging him, then silence. Piercing pain. Wide green eyes staring down at him. Lips moving. What were they saying? Another familiar shadow hovering, pressing down on his body. Severus? His lips were moving too, but no words came out. He was pointing, his hands covered in blood. The room was cold, unsteady. Fading.
Sirius grew silent and looked up at the ceiling questioningly.
"What is it?" Dumbledore asked.
"The water. It's been running for a long time."
"What of it?"
"The tub's not that large." He was already moving toward the stairs with Dumbledore right behind. Water leaked from under the closed bathroom door, spreading across the wood floors of the hallway. "Remus?" Sirius called, as he pushed the door open. "Albus!"
The tub was overflowing onto the floor, unnoticed by Remus who cowered in a corner, his arms grasped around his stomach, as if in pain. Sirius plopped down beside him in the water, gently pulling his head up to see his face. He was paler now, though sweat rolled off his skin.
"What is it, Remus?" he asked, as Dumbledore turned of the water and pulled the plug from the drain. Then, with a swish of his wand, he cleaned up the small pond that had formed on the floors.
"I-" He paused, as if considering a moment, looking back at the worried face of his friend. "Nothing," he answered. "It was nothing. I just feel ill."
"Come, Remus. You should go to your room and rest." Dumbledore helped him up from the floor. "Sirius, so downstairs and make some cocoa, please. Bring it up in a few minutes." Sirius began to protest, but changed his mind at seeing the stern look on Dumbledore's face.
"Remus, what did you see?" the Headmaster asked quietly as he helped Remus to his room.
"Nothing."
"Do not lie to me. You saw something. A memory from the night at Hogwarts?"
"How did you know?"
"From the look on your face. It's not the first memory to come back to you, is it? You are seeing bits and pieces of the things you did?"
"Yes."
"How long now?"
"Just a few days."
"And what do you think?"
"They are most assuredly real."
"And how much do you remember, dear boy?"
"All of it." His eyes were wide with fear as he reached out to open the door to his bedroom. "I remember every dreadful detail."
"And why have you hidden this fact?"
Remus turned to stare at the old man before him.
"Because I didn't want it to be real, Albus. And I knew that if you knew what I remembered, you would want me to talk about it. I don't want to. I don't want to bring it up with Sirius or you or anyone else. You can't possibly understand what it's like to have these memories of trying to kill your friends, and then having to talk to those same friends about it."
"We're all here to help you, Remus. We all understand that you were being controlled."
"Albus, I would have done those things whether I was being controlled or not. Don't you understand, I have no control when I am a werewolf! I am a monster!"
"No, you are not." Albus told him calmly. "I do not want to hear you say that again."
"I feel like I'm going insane!" he cried, holding his head in his hands.
"You are."
Remus stared up at Dumbledore incredulously.
"Don't you understand, Remus, that unless you deal with these memories and these fears, they will slowly drive you insane. And that would do even greater harm to those you sought to protect." He paused, listening for a moment to the footsteps on the stairs. "I believe that is Sirius with your cocoa. I will be waiting downstairs. I strongly suggest that the two of you have a conversation. Now."
"Now what?" Sirius had appeared at the door with a large mug of piping chocolate.
"I believe Remus needs to speak with you," Dumbledore answered. He exited, pulling the door closed behind him.