Pairing: HP/SS
Rating: R
Warning: Slash, angst, M/M, Songfic
Disclaimer: All characters from Harry Potter belong to JK Rowling and Warner Brothers. I'm just an obsessed maniac who is also an insomniac thanks to the voices in her head. I don't own the song or the lyrics either. I'm not looking to make money out of this and am just slaying the bunnies that are multiplying in my brain. Trust me, if you try to sue me, it won't get you any money cos I'm dirt broke already!
Archived: ask please
Feedback: Desperately needed…
A/N: Hi, I watched the video of this song for the first time and totally fell in love. I mean I liked Alan Rickman in the HP movies just cos I liked the Severus Snape character but after the song, sigh… I knew I had to write a song fic about it and the words and music drew me in right away. Initially I had some problems reconciling the lyrics themselves with the music video but I hope I finally managed to do them both justice. This is a continuation or rather the sequel to the fic I wrote called Waiting. This is Harry's POV. I'm considering doing a third and possibly final chapter but haven't found the right song for it yet. If anyone has suggestions, let me know. I want to say thanks for all the reviews I've gotten. I'm horrible with names and have horrendous memory so, I'm sorry if I'm not giving individual shout-outs here. However, I do want to thank my lovely beta's Linda and Lillian as well as Drusilla Dax who helped me and counseled me throughout this fic as well as test read it for me. If not for their encouragement, I don't think I'd have this finished and posted. I really hope you all enjoy this and please, review and let me know what you all think!
/Blah blah/ means Italics
The roar of the midnight black Nissan 350Z coupe was slightly muted by the soft sounds emitted by the radio. It was around 2 in the morning and Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived, the Man-Who-Killed was driving down Route 66, deep in thought. He drove the car the muggle way, not bothering to enchant the automobile but instead preferring to control the power of the machine manually. His thoughts though were not fully on the nearly deserted stretch of highway but far away and way back in the past.
He had just finished wrapping up a mission. It was a collaborated effort between the American and British Ministry of Magic, to bag and extradite several known Death Eaters who had run to America attempting to regroup and start their reign of terror anew. As usual, Harry and his group of personally trained Unspeakables had managed to foil their plans and all of them had been safely apprehended and transported to a Dementorless Azkaban. Now, Harry was taking a few days off before returning to England and to…. /him/.
/He/ was the reason behind why Harry always volunteered for long missions, especially if they were far away. /He/ was the reason why Harry always took off a few days after a mission before returning home. The only problem was Harry didn't know why he was so reluctant to return to /his/ arms. In fact, he didn't even know if he still loved Severus Snape or not. And so, this time around, Harry had vowed that before he went home, he would sort out all these wayward feelings he had and figure out what was the problem. As a result, the savior of the wizarding world was currently driving over the speed limit on a nearly deserted highway in Muggle America.
Idly listening to the music playing on the radio, tuning in and out as his thoughts undulated aimlessly, Harry's interest was caught as the song In Demand by Texas began to play. Remembering the song as one he had heard a few years ago and had captivated him, he listened carefully, focusing on the lyrics.
/When we were together I was blown away,
Just like paper from a fan /
The opening words of the song brought him to the crux of his problem, his relationship. Thinking back, he remembered when he and Sev had started. How Sev always managed to make him forget everything to lose himself in Sev's arms. That was one of the main reasons why he loved the man so. He was Harry's port in the storm, the rock that tied him to reality back when times were bad, when Voldemort was still around torturing and killing friends and family, threatening his very existence. Back then, his nightmares were hourly and not only confined to the night. The only way he had been able to get any rest at all was in Sev's arms.
/ But you would act like I was just a kid/
And yet, with all the fighting and training that was going on, even as he leaned on Sev and Sev depended on him, as they watched each other's back. He knew, even then that to Sev, he was just a scared little kid who had to be coddled and looked after. Can't have the savior of the wizarding world snapping from the pressure now can you? It troubled him then that Sev couldn't, wouldn't trust him. Sev and Dumbledore withheld so many facts from him. So many things he had repeatedly asked. Maybe they were afraid he couldn't handle the truth or that if he were captured he might break? Whatever the case, it still hurt and stung.
/Like we were never gonna last/
Though it all, the two years of fighting, Harry knew deep down Sev expected, no wanted, craved to die. Everything Sev did he did with a sense of finality hanging about it. Every time they had made love, it was as if it was the last time. Sev fully expected to die when Voldemort found out he was a spy. The only reason Sev gave in and allowed Harry to sleep with him was because he thought that he would die soon. Kind of like a last meal, only this time it was a last fling. But, as Harry's life usually went, it didn't work out that way. Instead, Harry was present when Sev's treachery was discovered and when old Voldie tortured Sev, his lover, his /heart/, Harry couldn't stand it and lost control of his magic, the resulting blast finally killed Voldemort.
To this day, he still wondered, was still afraid, of whether Sev was angry with him for not allowing Voldemort to kill him. If he was angry that his precious death that he had been waiting for all this while was stolen from him by Harry. All Sev did nowadays was sit in his chair and mope. Staring at the fire, refusing to do anything hardly ever brewing his precious potions, hardly eating. Whether Sev was depressed from the loss of his legs or if he was brooding out ways to find death, Harry didn't know. He knew though that Sev would not stoop to killing himself. Oh no, he would goad someone to kill him yes, but to actually commit suicide, no way. Even knowing this though, Harry still had to bribe several House Elves to periodically check in on Sev, making sure he was all right. It was only when Harry was present that the ennui that enveloped the man seemed to recede. Not disappear, no, never disappear, just recede slightly, allowing him to see glimpses of the old Sev. The snarky, nasty and always sarcastic Professor Snape, not this shell of a man. It was tiring to always have to coax a smile, or even a word from the man. It was as if Sev had given up on himself and on Harry. Was it even worth trying anymore? That was the crux of the matter. Was he still willing to fight for a relationship that was founded on remarkable circumstances? A love that wasn't really there as both parties expected to drop dead at any given moment.
/But now I've got someone who cares for me, (yeah)
Wrote my name in silver sands/
And now, Harry didn't know what to do. He and Draco Malfoy had mended their differences and Draco had been courting him. Flowers, gifts, hell, a bloody good time. The time the two spent together was always full of activities, laughter, jokes, or just talking. It was so wonderful to have the undivided attention of someone, without having to worry about depression or saying the wrong thing or over sensitivity. Draco was fun, devoted, young and outgoing, everything Sev was not. Draco cherished Harry and was trying to help Harry sort out his feelings over Sev. However, a certain bias towards his own cause always got in the way hence tonight's resolve to figure things out by himself.
/I think you know you've lost the love of your life
(you said) I was the best you've ever had
Because I'm in demand, (hey)/
However, Harry knew no matter how sincere Draco seemed, there would always be a ghost standing next to them. Ron was the reason they became friends in the first place. When Ron was killed in the war, it finally came out that he and Draco had been lovers. Wracked with loss of a friend and of a lover, the two of them started talking, first crying on each other's shoulders, then sharing stories of Ron, bringing him alive again as both saw the side of Ron that the other previously hadn't had the chance to see. After a while, those talks about Ron turned to talks about themselves, and a friendship was born. Now, Draco felt that Harry was the best replacement for Ron. The rivalry he had with his old professor made the pot sweeter probably. For some reason, Draco had always felt that Sev has a little responsible for Ron's death. Sev didn't manage to tell Dumbledore in time that Voldemort was planning to attack the Weasleys. Perhaps part of Draco's attraction to him was that he would be taking him away from Sev.
/You're thinking of the way you should've of held my (hand)
And all the times you'd say you didn't understand
You never had our love written in your (plans)/
And Sev, *sigh* Sev, he was so withdrawn, every emotion had to be coaxed out of him. Harry knew that while sitting at home alone Sev wondered if Harry was going to come back to him. He prayed that Sev knew his mistakes, knew what he had missed out on. How many times had Sev stressed to him that he was not one for cuddling and lovey-dovey words? Mush and dreck, that's what Sev called it. Well, deep down Harry knew Sev realized that was what Harry needed, wanted, craved. After a childhood with no love and no one there for him, quiet affection was all Harry needed. But no, Sev had always protested he was not that type and Harry should go look elsewhere for that. Of course, now, as Sev sat in his chair alone waiting for him, perhaps he now understood better. That no matter how much Sev protested about not wanting or needing a relationship, they had one.
/But now I'm In Demand/
And now, now, Harry was being fought over by two men…two strong willed men who wanted him for who he was. What could he do? What decision should he make? Who should he choose? For someone who was not wanted for most of his life, it was so confusing now to know he had a choice and didn't know where to begin in choosing.
/I never think you saw the best of me (ahh haa haa haa)
There's a side you'll never know/
Both Draco and Sev knew different sides of him now. Sev saw him as a skinny, pathetic boy who needed comforting and shelter. Someone Sev had to protect. Draco, he saw the powerful savior of the wizarding world. The man who was best friends with Ron and who was confident and secure with his role in the world. Would either of them accept him if they saw all sides of him? Each and ever facet that makes up the man he is. Would they ever know?
/'Cos love and loving are two different things (ahh haa haa haa)/
However, deep down, especially after all this thinking and soul searching, Harry knew the answer. Draco, Draco loved him as a tie to the man he truly loved. Oh yes, Draco was loving towards him. The times they had spent together proved there was a bond between them. But somehow, Harry knew that Draco didn't love him as a lover should. No. And Harry didn't want him to, not really. Draco was a reason to run away from the confusion he felt being with Sev. Seeing him sitting in that chair, not being able to stalk around like the man he had fallen in love with. Seeing him sitting there a shell of the formidable man who was so compelling. Harry had felt so guilty, so sad. He had felt like he had lost that Sev.
/Set your sights far too low/
But now, now Harry knew he had set his sights too low. He should have been there for Sev. Helped him get back that confidence and make him stop wallowing. Harry needed to try harder and make Sev more involved with life again. It must be hard for such an active man to lose so much. From Head of Slytherin, Potion's Master, Death Eater, Order Spy, Sev suddenly lost all of that. Maybe it's the loss of identity, of not feeling needed again? Yes, Harry would return and try harder. Sev had sheltered him and helped him. Now it was Harry's turn to knock some sense into Sev.
/It's only when I fall asleep
I see that winning smile
When my dreams just move along/
All his dreams made sense now. At least Harry understood he was not grasping at straws and trying to make a failing relationship last because of some misguided sense of guilt. No. Those dreams of seeing an older Sev smiling at him over a boiling cauldron, of lying in bed together, in each others arms... those dreams will come true.
/You've lost the race by miles/
Now, all that was left to do was to tell Draco his final decision. Somehow, Harry knew that this wouldn't come as a shock to Draco. As if Draco knew Harry would never be able to give Sev up.
/Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Stay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah/
Yes, it was time Harry returned to Sev. To his rooms and to his love. No more procrastinating. No more trying to run away. Time to face his love and make something out of it. It was time to stay. Inside Harry's heart, a strange feeling began to grow… a feeling of rightness, of belonging. Finally his heart knew where he really should be. All that was left to do was tie up some loose ends and that was it. Harry would resign from the Ministry and return to Hogwarts. Perhaps there might be a job there for him. If not, it didn't matter. All that mattered was that he and Sev were going to be together again. Finally.
With his mind made up, Harry pulled over at the side of the road, got out of the car, and in a blink, disapparated back to Scotland. Back to Hogwarts. Not even caring that he left a brand new car behind him. Not bothering that he was leaving everything behind. All he cared was that he was /in demand/. That the man he loved was still with him and wanted him. That was all that mattered.