Cheers to Cassie Claire, here is a Harry Potter/Lord of the Rings crossover for all you pervy hobbit fanciers out there! read and review and be mirthful!
The Dreadful Pervy Slashfic With No Name
Lucius Malfoy sat at his dressing table scrutinizing his reflection in the ornate golden mirror and thinking dark thoughts. He was thinking dark thoughts because that is just what Malfoys do and it would be rude to assume otherwise. He tried a sneer at the glass and smirked to top it off perfectly, his perfectly smooth face glaring back at him with practiced malice and evil intent.
He vaguely remembered Narcissa leaving in a huff about twenty-five minutes ago. She had said something about not getting any attention, and spending fifty galleons on lingere. Of course he had ignored her because he was reading about the newest hair care potions in the latest Witch Weekly magazine. Besides, though she was beautiful, his wife could not even begin to compare to the awe that was his reflection.
Suddenly (da da dumm) there was a loud pop, something like a cork being let out of a bottle and, well it was almost just like a cork being let out of a bottle, and then a soft thud behind him. Lucius turned around in his chair, very annoyed, and expected to give a lecture to whomever had appeared in his bedroom. However, he was struck dumb by the beautiful creature who lay sprawled on his bed.
The man was only half dressed, as if he had been getting ready for bed or a bath. His shirt was crisp and white with silver and green embroidery. Very sexy, very slytherinesque. Lucius was liking this man already, only he realized that it was not a man but an elf. The creature had a cascade of pale blond hair curling over his shoulders and slightly pointed ears poking up through all the magnificent hair.
Not only that, but his beauty perfectly equaled his own to the extent that they looked exactly alike. That could be interesting...
"Oh my," Lucius murmered appreciatively, "It's like looking into a mirror." He glanced up and down the man's body and grinned rakishly, knowing he looked devilishly handsome doing it too. "I am Lucius Malfoy, and you are?" He fully expected the man to grovel at his beloved surname but it seemed to garner no attention.
"I am Haldir of Lorien," Haldir smiled cooly and appraised Lucius in much the same way, "And I am so relieved that I have found someone who isn't some sort of pervy Hobbit fancier." He said the last three words with utter disgust and revulsion.
Lucius shuddered slightly. "Yes, they quite remind me of prettied up house elves." Lucius climbed onto the bed."
"You realize sir that I am an elf myself." He gave him a dark look.
"I can work around that."
Just as the two men began snogging passionately, another cork out of the bottle, pop! sounded, and yet another handsome, half naked, blond fell onto the bed, almost on top of them.
"Dammit all!" screeched Haldir as Legolas brushed himself off and rearranged his hair. Lucius glowered as well. This newcomer was also an elf, and disturbingly was much prettier than either his guest or himself.
"I demand that you take your leave at once!" He pouted, and pointed at the door as Haldir simpered and pouted at the other end of the bed.
Legolas was thoroughly nonplussed and continued fussing with his hair, rebraiding a tiny strand that had come loose. "I don't know how I got here, but I will have you know that I am Legolas, an Elven Prince I might add!"
"I don't care if you are the minister of magic, and thank god you aren't because then I would lose my lunch at the thought of him in my bed." At this, Lucius looked quite ill and might have tossed his cookies at that very moment if yet another Pop! hadnt sounded and this time a woman fell onto the bed.
The Lady Galadriel glared at all of them and demanded to know where the hell she was, and where her hobbit manservents were. As her beauty fell upon them all and thoughts inserted themselves in their minds to write poetry comparing her to the sun and moon, everyone soon became very put out.
Now everyone was pouty and no one was having fun.
Luckily at this moment, four MORE pop!s and Merry, Pippin, Sam, and Frodo all fell onto the (considerable large, nay humongous) bed. By this time, Lucius was thoroughly grateful to have beautiful people... er halflings, in his bed so long as they were not prettier than himself, that he wasn't about to be choosy. Haldir however, crossed his arms and pursed his lips, trying to ignore the laughing and giggling behind him as Galadriel, Lucius, and Legolas simpered and doted on the hobbits.
Even more lucky, yet one more Pop! sounded and everyone looked up to see Gandalf drop onto the bed. "Oh! Just in time for the party!"
Haldir glared, "I suppose this was all your idea eh Gandalf?"
"Of course, as soon as I saw the new Harry Potter movie I just had do come and find Lucius."
Haldir pouted a moment longer. "Well, did you bring the pointy hat at least?" he sighed.
"Of course!"
Haldir finally gave up his very sexy temper tantrum and joined in the fun. Not long after, however, the door creaked open and Lucius looked up expecting to see his wife. Instead Draco glared at all of them from the doorway.
"Father, how could you?" he said, shaking his head, "I mean... they have hairy feet for god's sake!"
"You see son, there comes a time in every wizards life when they come upon a hobbit and get's curious. One day soon, you too will become a pervy hobbit fancier like myself and..."
Draco rolled his eyes and slammed the door.He stormed back up to his room and slammed that door as well just for good measure. Then he climbed into bed and slipped a magazine from under the mattress. As he drifted off to sleep he thumbed through the pages of House Elf Swimsuit Monthly...
The End
The Dreadful Pervy Slashfic With No Name
Lucius Malfoy sat at his dressing table scrutinizing his reflection in the ornate golden mirror and thinking dark thoughts. He was thinking dark thoughts because that is just what Malfoys do and it would be rude to assume otherwise. He tried a sneer at the glass and smirked to top it off perfectly, his perfectly smooth face glaring back at him with practiced malice and evil intent.
He vaguely remembered Narcissa leaving in a huff about twenty-five minutes ago. She had said something about not getting any attention, and spending fifty galleons on lingere. Of course he had ignored her because he was reading about the newest hair care potions in the latest Witch Weekly magazine. Besides, though she was beautiful, his wife could not even begin to compare to the awe that was his reflection.
Suddenly (da da dumm) there was a loud pop, something like a cork being let out of a bottle and, well it was almost just like a cork being let out of a bottle, and then a soft thud behind him. Lucius turned around in his chair, very annoyed, and expected to give a lecture to whomever had appeared in his bedroom. However, he was struck dumb by the beautiful creature who lay sprawled on his bed.
The man was only half dressed, as if he had been getting ready for bed or a bath. His shirt was crisp and white with silver and green embroidery. Very sexy, very slytherinesque. Lucius was liking this man already, only he realized that it was not a man but an elf. The creature had a cascade of pale blond hair curling over his shoulders and slightly pointed ears poking up through all the magnificent hair.
Not only that, but his beauty perfectly equaled his own to the extent that they looked exactly alike. That could be interesting...
"Oh my," Lucius murmered appreciatively, "It's like looking into a mirror." He glanced up and down the man's body and grinned rakishly, knowing he looked devilishly handsome doing it too. "I am Lucius Malfoy, and you are?" He fully expected the man to grovel at his beloved surname but it seemed to garner no attention.
"I am Haldir of Lorien," Haldir smiled cooly and appraised Lucius in much the same way, "And I am so relieved that I have found someone who isn't some sort of pervy Hobbit fancier." He said the last three words with utter disgust and revulsion.
Lucius shuddered slightly. "Yes, they quite remind me of prettied up house elves." Lucius climbed onto the bed."
"You realize sir that I am an elf myself." He gave him a dark look.
"I can work around that."
Just as the two men began snogging passionately, another cork out of the bottle, pop! sounded, and yet another handsome, half naked, blond fell onto the bed, almost on top of them.
"Dammit all!" screeched Haldir as Legolas brushed himself off and rearranged his hair. Lucius glowered as well. This newcomer was also an elf, and disturbingly was much prettier than either his guest or himself.
"I demand that you take your leave at once!" He pouted, and pointed at the door as Haldir simpered and pouted at the other end of the bed.
Legolas was thoroughly nonplussed and continued fussing with his hair, rebraiding a tiny strand that had come loose. "I don't know how I got here, but I will have you know that I am Legolas, an Elven Prince I might add!"
"I don't care if you are the minister of magic, and thank god you aren't because then I would lose my lunch at the thought of him in my bed." At this, Lucius looked quite ill and might have tossed his cookies at that very moment if yet another Pop! hadnt sounded and this time a woman fell onto the bed.
The Lady Galadriel glared at all of them and demanded to know where the hell she was, and where her hobbit manservents were. As her beauty fell upon them all and thoughts inserted themselves in their minds to write poetry comparing her to the sun and moon, everyone soon became very put out.
Now everyone was pouty and no one was having fun.
Luckily at this moment, four MORE pop!s and Merry, Pippin, Sam, and Frodo all fell onto the (considerable large, nay humongous) bed. By this time, Lucius was thoroughly grateful to have beautiful people... er halflings, in his bed so long as they were not prettier than himself, that he wasn't about to be choosy. Haldir however, crossed his arms and pursed his lips, trying to ignore the laughing and giggling behind him as Galadriel, Lucius, and Legolas simpered and doted on the hobbits.
Even more lucky, yet one more Pop! sounded and everyone looked up to see Gandalf drop onto the bed. "Oh! Just in time for the party!"
Haldir glared, "I suppose this was all your idea eh Gandalf?"
"Of course, as soon as I saw the new Harry Potter movie I just had do come and find Lucius."
Haldir pouted a moment longer. "Well, did you bring the pointy hat at least?" he sighed.
"Of course!"
Haldir finally gave up his very sexy temper tantrum and joined in the fun. Not long after, however, the door creaked open and Lucius looked up expecting to see his wife. Instead Draco glared at all of them from the doorway.
"Father, how could you?" he said, shaking his head, "I mean... they have hairy feet for god's sake!"
"You see son, there comes a time in every wizards life when they come upon a hobbit and get's curious. One day soon, you too will become a pervy hobbit fancier like myself and..."
Draco rolled his eyes and slammed the door.He stormed back up to his room and slammed that door as well just for good measure. Then he climbed into bed and slipped a magazine from under the mattress. As he drifted off to sleep he thumbed through the pages of House Elf Swimsuit Monthly...
The End