Chapter 2
Joxer and Ollie stood before what looked to Joxer like yet another
patch of mist. No different than all the others constantly floating
about, just out of reach.
As they stood there, Joxer shifted from one foot to the other. They'd
been standing here for what seemed like hours. He was starting to get
impatient. Not to mention a little hungry. Maybe there was some
chili left...
"Wait for it," Ollie said, sensing Joxer's impatience. And frankly he
couldn't blame him. Ollie had spent days (or what he guessed at being
days) waiting for the results. Other times it would come on in a mad
rush non-stop. It happened when it happened, and not before then.
Ollie had never been a patient man in life, and it seemed that hadn't
changed in 'death'.
Joxer had just about had enough and was about to turn around to go
back when it happened. The patch of mist in front of him shone, and
an image began to form. As clear and crisp as if he were there. It
was Gabrielle. She seemed to be sitting alone on a log. It appeared
to be night. Joxer could just make out the sleeping form of Xena in
the background, snoring away and dead to the world.
Gabrielle seemed sad. Her eyes were downcast, and her entire body
sagged as though it were carrying a great burden.
Joxer stepped forward to try and comfort her, then realized where he
was. The reminder rankled him. But it was nothing more than a mild
irritant, for his entire being was focused on the image before him,
and the words that started to sound out from nowhere. Joxer couldn't
identify where it was coming from, it seemed everywhere at once, but
he could recognize whose voice it was. And it belonged to the woman
before him, his precious Gabby. And what was to come he would forever
remember.
***
"I miss you Joxer," Gabrielle said. "I miss you." Those were the very
words she'd said to her Furies' induced 'ghost' of Joxer. And she had
meant it. Every word. Every sigh. She did miss Joxer.
A feeling of loss was to be expected of course, but the way she felt,
that was the thing. She felt sick, but not the kind of sick to the
stomach feeling she had had when she'd seen someone die, or heard
about it. No, it was as if a portion of her insides had been removed.
As though someone had taken an organ. A squishy, hollow sickness.
Like something vital to your life, something that in part made you who
you were, was missing.
Though she tried to hide it from Xena, she had had dry heaves ever
since--gods, she couldn't even bring herself to say it, even think it.
Did that dishonor Joxer's memory? She hoped not, because she couldn't
think about that day, that incident. She just couldn't.
She'd only felt this once or twice before, and that knowledge troubled
her more than anything. She knew this feeling. She still had
nightmares of what had brought it about. Or, at least she had until
Joxer--no, can't think about that, she thought. She mustn't.
But the point was that she knew this feeling from before. From when
she had lost the one true love of her life.
When Perdicus had died she had felt this. And to a lesser extent when
Talus had died. But in both cases, she knew why she had felt that
way.
It was because she had been in love with them. And that knowledge
thrilled, scared, angered, and saddened her all at once. And it
brought her back to the question she'd been asking herself every
minute since that day.
Had she been in love with Joxer? Everyone treated her as though she
had. But how could she have been in love with him without even
knowing?
"Did you?" she heard a tiny voice in her head ask her, "Did you really
'not know'?" A legitimate question. Had she known? Had she always
known, even before he professed his love?
Thinking back, everything seemed to point to it. From the way she had
thrilled at Joxer's kiss in the adventure of the bells, all the way
down to the way she had tweaked his nose and generally beat him up.
Like a child, Gabrielle thought. And it was well known that children
often harass those they 'like'.
The realization of which made Gabrielle smile in spite of herself.
She had been a child. Still was in many ways, she was forced to
admit.
She had been forced to do a lot of growing up in these last few years.
But there were still many things she was unschooled in. Matters of
the heart being one of them. She had only made love once in life,
what did she know about affairs of this sort? As a bard she adored
the concept of love, and indeed, she liked nothing more than seeing
two people in love. But at the same time she was frightened of it.
The horrors that can result. The searing pain that comes from losing
one's mate...
Gabrielle choked down a sob. She had to be strong. For everyone's
sake. But she felt it nevertheless. Like the fraying of a rope.
Strand after strand pulling taunt and snapping.
First it was Talus. Then it was Perdicus. Then the loss of her blood
innocence. Then Hope, and all that she had wrought. The rift that
had formed between her and Xena. Then her near death. The change to
the Way of Peace, only to be violently broken by massive amounts of
bloodshed. Then Eli's death. Then the news of Amarice's. Then her
and Xena's entombment in ice for the past 25 years. Then thawing out,
only to find that all your friends and loved ones are dead, or have
changed so very, very much. And knowing that you weren't with them to
be a part of it.
Seeing all the lost opportunities. But by the gods, she had felt
pained when Joxer had introduced her to his son Virgil. If only
things had been different... That could have been our son.
And that thought only fueled the fire of Gabrielle's confusion.
"Our son...?" Does that mean that I was, am, in love with him?
"I don't know. I just don't know." The same answer she always seemed
to come back to. She couldn't deny that she had felt jealous when
Joxer had been making time with Amoria during the adventure of the
magical lyre. The more she thought about it, the more it resembled
the progression of her relationship with Perdicus. Right down to the
very end with both men... Gabrielle shied away from the word.
On the face of things, it would seem pretty clear what Joxer had meant
to her. But another part was afraid to dare utter it. For if she had
been in love with him, she had blown it. Her own ignorance coupled
with Fate had robbed her of it. For if she were to admit that she
loved him, she would also have to acknowledge the violent loss of that
love. To admit to that which could have been, but never will be, was
too much for her.
Liked the frayed rope, Gabrielle felt that she was this close to
snapping.
She'd already given into her guilt once, and almost killed Eve. Which
only magnified her guilt. Gabrielle felt numb, a numbness that comes
not as an absence of pain, but that which comes to those who are
immersed in it to their very soul.
Irrationally, she projected her anger on Joxer. Why did he choose her
to fall in love with? Hadn't she had enough problems without having to
deal with how she felt about him? What did she know about love? She'd
been a wife for one day and had never had a boyfriend. Joxer had
been with every woman in Greece, why couldn't he have chosen one of
them?
She immediately felt ashamed. Too often in life she had projected her
anger on Joxer. And now she was doing it in his death. The thought
made her gag, and she could feel the dry heaves starting again.
It was an honor to be loved by someone, she knew. A gift a person only
bestows upon the most worthy of people. Her anger dissipated, though
the shame for her hasty words remained.
Love was the greatest gift anyone can give. Joxer loved her, and
she... she... she didn't know what she felt. Did she love him? Or
more to the point, had she been falling in love with him?
The thought was a sobering one, and it made her sit up straight.
Could she be feeling all this because she had been falling in love
with Joxer? If only she had had more experience with the subject.
She'd either been fully in love, as with Perdicus, or in the very
early stages as with Talus. She had never been in this 'twilight'
realm of in-between.
She wondered, would this have been what it would have felt like if
Perdicus had died after she saw him again in Troy, but before she had
married him? She had a sneaking feeling that she knew the answer, but
couldn't bring herself to admit it.
What good would it do to admit it now anyway? Nothing good could come
of it. "But you would be dishonoring his memory if you don't," that
small voice in her mind told her. It was at that point that she
couldn't take it anymore. Wringing her hands, and keeping her voice
down so as not to disturb Xena, Gabrielle started talking to the night
sky.
"It--It's said that the dead can hear our thoughts Joxer. I don't
know if you're listening or what, but, well, I... I... feel bad."
She finished lamely. 'Bad' was an understatement.
"What I mean is," she continued, "that I miss you Joxer. And ever
since--," she choked up, but continued on, heedless of the tears that
were streaking down her face. "Since you died, all I've been able to
do is think about you. About us." She had started to get to the
point.
"I--I don't know what might have been Joxer. Who's to say? I only--I
only wish..." she trailed off, looking for the right words.
"I only wish that we'd had a chance to see. I--" Gods, this was
harder than she thought, harder than it should be.
"I don't know what I feel about you Joxer. All I do know is that I
wish I had the opportunity to try to see if-if..." She faltered,
biting her lower lip as if to give herself strength.
"I love you..." she finished in a whisper.
So many questions, and no answers forthcoming. Frustrated, she
collapsed onto the ground. Oblivious to the chill night air, she
eased into a fitful sleep penetrated by the smell of blood and the
taste of death.
Joxer and Ollie stood before what looked to Joxer like yet another
patch of mist. No different than all the others constantly floating
about, just out of reach.
As they stood there, Joxer shifted from one foot to the other. They'd
been standing here for what seemed like hours. He was starting to get
impatient. Not to mention a little hungry. Maybe there was some
chili left...
"Wait for it," Ollie said, sensing Joxer's impatience. And frankly he
couldn't blame him. Ollie had spent days (or what he guessed at being
days) waiting for the results. Other times it would come on in a mad
rush non-stop. It happened when it happened, and not before then.
Ollie had never been a patient man in life, and it seemed that hadn't
changed in 'death'.
Joxer had just about had enough and was about to turn around to go
back when it happened. The patch of mist in front of him shone, and
an image began to form. As clear and crisp as if he were there. It
was Gabrielle. She seemed to be sitting alone on a log. It appeared
to be night. Joxer could just make out the sleeping form of Xena in
the background, snoring away and dead to the world.
Gabrielle seemed sad. Her eyes were downcast, and her entire body
sagged as though it were carrying a great burden.
Joxer stepped forward to try and comfort her, then realized where he
was. The reminder rankled him. But it was nothing more than a mild
irritant, for his entire being was focused on the image before him,
and the words that started to sound out from nowhere. Joxer couldn't
identify where it was coming from, it seemed everywhere at once, but
he could recognize whose voice it was. And it belonged to the woman
before him, his precious Gabby. And what was to come he would forever
remember.
***
"I miss you Joxer," Gabrielle said. "I miss you." Those were the very
words she'd said to her Furies' induced 'ghost' of Joxer. And she had
meant it. Every word. Every sigh. She did miss Joxer.
A feeling of loss was to be expected of course, but the way she felt,
that was the thing. She felt sick, but not the kind of sick to the
stomach feeling she had had when she'd seen someone die, or heard
about it. No, it was as if a portion of her insides had been removed.
As though someone had taken an organ. A squishy, hollow sickness.
Like something vital to your life, something that in part made you who
you were, was missing.
Though she tried to hide it from Xena, she had had dry heaves ever
since--gods, she couldn't even bring herself to say it, even think it.
Did that dishonor Joxer's memory? She hoped not, because she couldn't
think about that day, that incident. She just couldn't.
She'd only felt this once or twice before, and that knowledge troubled
her more than anything. She knew this feeling. She still had
nightmares of what had brought it about. Or, at least she had until
Joxer--no, can't think about that, she thought. She mustn't.
But the point was that she knew this feeling from before. From when
she had lost the one true love of her life.
When Perdicus had died she had felt this. And to a lesser extent when
Talus had died. But in both cases, she knew why she had felt that
way.
It was because she had been in love with them. And that knowledge
thrilled, scared, angered, and saddened her all at once. And it
brought her back to the question she'd been asking herself every
minute since that day.
Had she been in love with Joxer? Everyone treated her as though she
had. But how could she have been in love with him without even
knowing?
"Did you?" she heard a tiny voice in her head ask her, "Did you really
'not know'?" A legitimate question. Had she known? Had she always
known, even before he professed his love?
Thinking back, everything seemed to point to it. From the way she had
thrilled at Joxer's kiss in the adventure of the bells, all the way
down to the way she had tweaked his nose and generally beat him up.
Like a child, Gabrielle thought. And it was well known that children
often harass those they 'like'.
The realization of which made Gabrielle smile in spite of herself.
She had been a child. Still was in many ways, she was forced to
admit.
She had been forced to do a lot of growing up in these last few years.
But there were still many things she was unschooled in. Matters of
the heart being one of them. She had only made love once in life,
what did she know about affairs of this sort? As a bard she adored
the concept of love, and indeed, she liked nothing more than seeing
two people in love. But at the same time she was frightened of it.
The horrors that can result. The searing pain that comes from losing
one's mate...
Gabrielle choked down a sob. She had to be strong. For everyone's
sake. But she felt it nevertheless. Like the fraying of a rope.
Strand after strand pulling taunt and snapping.
First it was Talus. Then it was Perdicus. Then the loss of her blood
innocence. Then Hope, and all that she had wrought. The rift that
had formed between her and Xena. Then her near death. The change to
the Way of Peace, only to be violently broken by massive amounts of
bloodshed. Then Eli's death. Then the news of Amarice's. Then her
and Xena's entombment in ice for the past 25 years. Then thawing out,
only to find that all your friends and loved ones are dead, or have
changed so very, very much. And knowing that you weren't with them to
be a part of it.
Seeing all the lost opportunities. But by the gods, she had felt
pained when Joxer had introduced her to his son Virgil. If only
things had been different... That could have been our son.
And that thought only fueled the fire of Gabrielle's confusion.
"Our son...?" Does that mean that I was, am, in love with him?
"I don't know. I just don't know." The same answer she always seemed
to come back to. She couldn't deny that she had felt jealous when
Joxer had been making time with Amoria during the adventure of the
magical lyre. The more she thought about it, the more it resembled
the progression of her relationship with Perdicus. Right down to the
very end with both men... Gabrielle shied away from the word.
On the face of things, it would seem pretty clear what Joxer had meant
to her. But another part was afraid to dare utter it. For if she had
been in love with him, she had blown it. Her own ignorance coupled
with Fate had robbed her of it. For if she were to admit that she
loved him, she would also have to acknowledge the violent loss of that
love. To admit to that which could have been, but never will be, was
too much for her.
Liked the frayed rope, Gabrielle felt that she was this close to
snapping.
She'd already given into her guilt once, and almost killed Eve. Which
only magnified her guilt. Gabrielle felt numb, a numbness that comes
not as an absence of pain, but that which comes to those who are
immersed in it to their very soul.
Irrationally, she projected her anger on Joxer. Why did he choose her
to fall in love with? Hadn't she had enough problems without having to
deal with how she felt about him? What did she know about love? She'd
been a wife for one day and had never had a boyfriend. Joxer had
been with every woman in Greece, why couldn't he have chosen one of
them?
She immediately felt ashamed. Too often in life she had projected her
anger on Joxer. And now she was doing it in his death. The thought
made her gag, and she could feel the dry heaves starting again.
It was an honor to be loved by someone, she knew. A gift a person only
bestows upon the most worthy of people. Her anger dissipated, though
the shame for her hasty words remained.
Love was the greatest gift anyone can give. Joxer loved her, and
she... she... she didn't know what she felt. Did she love him? Or
more to the point, had she been falling in love with him?
The thought was a sobering one, and it made her sit up straight.
Could she be feeling all this because she had been falling in love
with Joxer? If only she had had more experience with the subject.
She'd either been fully in love, as with Perdicus, or in the very
early stages as with Talus. She had never been in this 'twilight'
realm of in-between.
She wondered, would this have been what it would have felt like if
Perdicus had died after she saw him again in Troy, but before she had
married him? She had a sneaking feeling that she knew the answer, but
couldn't bring herself to admit it.
What good would it do to admit it now anyway? Nothing good could come
of it. "But you would be dishonoring his memory if you don't," that
small voice in her mind told her. It was at that point that she
couldn't take it anymore. Wringing her hands, and keeping her voice
down so as not to disturb Xena, Gabrielle started talking to the night
sky.
"It--It's said that the dead can hear our thoughts Joxer. I don't
know if you're listening or what, but, well, I... I... feel bad."
She finished lamely. 'Bad' was an understatement.
"What I mean is," she continued, "that I miss you Joxer. And ever
since--," she choked up, but continued on, heedless of the tears that
were streaking down her face. "Since you died, all I've been able to
do is think about you. About us." She had started to get to the
point.
"I--I don't know what might have been Joxer. Who's to say? I only--I
only wish..." she trailed off, looking for the right words.
"I only wish that we'd had a chance to see. I--" Gods, this was
harder than she thought, harder than it should be.
"I don't know what I feel about you Joxer. All I do know is that I
wish I had the opportunity to try to see if-if..." She faltered,
biting her lower lip as if to give herself strength.
"I love you..." she finished in a whisper.
So many questions, and no answers forthcoming. Frustrated, she
collapsed onto the ground. Oblivious to the chill night air, she
eased into a fitful sleep penetrated by the smell of blood and the
taste of death.