Title: Chirabaru Kokoro no Hahenra (Fragments of my Scattered Heart.)
Author: NaomiSidhe -- Naomi Hunter on Fanfiction.net
Email: juliansidhe@zoidwars.zzn.com or Rougekitty@msn.com
Pairing: Tohma-x-Ryuichi, hints of Tohma-x-Eiri, and Hiro-x-Shuichi.
Description: AU—last episode right after Eiri disappears. Tragic semi-death fic. Tohma copes badly; Ryuichi's POV.
Rating: R
Warnings: Blood and Gore, no sex, angst alert.
Disc: I own nothing in this story except the plotline.
Chirabaru Kokoro no Hahenra
(Fragments of my Scattered Heart.)
By: Naomi Hunter / NaomiSidhe.
*Kiss shining, imitating loneliness
Cutting into space with entwined regret
Make me shining, fragments of my scattered heart
A radiance that surpasses hope*
-Shining Collection.
I remember it like it was just the other day, when Yuki left. I watched Tohma's stoic face become so full of worry and trepidation. The man I loved wasn't quite the same as I watched him run around rapidly to make plans to fly to New York.
My Tohma was no longer shining—his glow had faded, gone pale and insipid with his fear for his author-love. My heart ached for him, but I was selfish and grieved for myself. I grieved for myself because Tohma no longer seemed to care about me, childish, puerile and unbeautiful Ryuichi. There were no more quick touches on the hand or cheek, no more pats on the head and treats, none of the things that held so much between us. No more of the things that meant so much to me.
When he left he only ordered me around, like my boss—the man he was supposed to act like towards me but never did. I need you to fill in for Shindo-san, Sakuma-san. Shuichi was in New York, in the middle of looking for his Author-Lover. I want you to not tell anyone about what's happening, just say Shindo-san is sick and his voice isn't quite right, can you do that? 'Can you do that?', he said that so coldly and snappishly it hurt. I told him I could. I tried to catch his hand-I wanted to hug him, touch him, to make him know of my concern for him. "When I am done, can I meet you in New York?" I asked as his fingers slipped past mine and he turned abruptly and left. He acted like he hadn't heard me.
I preformed for him, that night. I sung my heart out, I made it the best concert of my life, because he wanted me to sing for him. But the songs were dull and hollow without him there.
That night I caught a plane to New York, Hiro came with me because he knew Shuichi needed him. Just by the look on his face, sitting next to me, I knew we had a lot in common. We'd both fallen in love with our best friends, quite badly and were willing to put their happiness before our own. I would have loved to have spoken with him, perhaps even laughed or cried with him, but my mouth was frozen. It felt like my tongue was a parasite, one that had taken over, paralyzing my body and swelling in my mouth so I couldn't talk. Or maybe, someone had put crazy-glue on the roof of my mouth and it had gotten stuck there and I couldn't pry it away.
But, on that flight, I realized that Hiroshi and I didn't need words, we understood each other perfectly enough. He slipped his hand over mine, gently, staring at me with his intense eyes that said to me: It's okay, Sakuma-san, we're both going to be okay, everything is going to be okay. But even I could ignore the hesitation in his thoughts. Thank-you, Hiroshi-san, it will, I know it will, it has to be okay.
Our eyes told this until sleep claimed us, slipping us into black.
We awoke an hour before landing and we tried to stretch our stiff muscles and limbs, slowly practicing some minor isometrics. We held hands again as the plane landed, because its doing so, shattered the void and would bring us back to real time, tearing us from our sheltered, little place. New York's JFK airport was crowded as all hell, even at this early hour, full of people running around in the hustle and bustle that was New York. We hurried off of the plane and found a little nook that was out of the way. I dialed Tohma's cell on my own.
"Hai, Seguchi desu."
"Tohma-kun? Doko…where are you?"
"Sakuma-san? New York--"
"Where in New York?"
"Why? Where are you?"
"Kennedy Airport." I told him as he let out a frustrated sigh.
"Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why are you here?"
"Why not? You…you didn't answer me." My voice trembled. "Tohma-kun…I want to help—"
"We're at…" He told me in English and I jotted it down on the back of my hand with Hiro's pen.
I had taken all of the American money I had with me and we took a cab as far as we could to Tohma's apartment and walked the rest. I had this empty feeling in my stomach and knew Hiro felt it, too. Hiroshi took what was left of the money from my hands and took it to a vendor, buying us a pretzel and a soda to split. Neither of us ate or drank much and ended up feeding the pigeons as we walked.
We took the elevator to Tohma's floor and stood outside the door of his apartment. I knocked and he answered. Tohma had a sort of stoic face on with the worry and anxiety peeking through.
"Why are you here?" He asked as my tongue consumed my mouth again and I could only hang my head.
"I'm sorry." I whispered. "I…I just…"
"Come in," he said hastily as I sighed and did.
Mika-chan rose from the sofa and gave me a hug.
"Thank you for coming, Ryuichi-san." I nodded into her hair, wishing it were Tohma who was so willing to be gracious.
"And you, what are you doing here?" He said to Hiro who stared at him with hard-set eyes and a slight frown.
"Where's Shuichi? I'm here for him, not you."
Tohma's lips were pressed into a tight, thin line.
"The master bedroom, first door on the left. He's asleep though."
"Thank you, Seguchi-san, Sumimasén." Hiro said, bowing and going into the room.
"Can I get you anything, Ryuichi-san?" Mika asked as I shook my head.
"So, have you any word on Uesugi-san?"
"Iya." He said softly, sinking into the couch. We sat next to him, Mika and I, all in a row, Me in the middle.
"The police are helping us look as well, his usual places. They said we should just let them do their jobs, but…" Mika said as Tohma began to drift away from us.
"I'm not going to sit around and wait." he said, bitterly and full of anger. "I won't be too late to save him again!" he shouted, then left, slamming the door hard, making a picture fall.
I stood and retrieved it to see it was a picture of him and me; the glass had cracked from the impact.
We followed him, searching all of the places he could possibly be. Tohma showed me things I thought he never could be; cranky, mean, hostile, hurtful…he acted as though I were nothing or an insignificant insect. In his eyes, I kept shrinking and shrinking, soon I would be nothing at all. I caught Tohma alone when Mika needed to use the restroom.
"Tohma-kun…" I said as he exhaled slowly.
"What, Sakuma-san?"
"Don't call me that…" I whispered, falling into him, resting my face in his neck. "Don't talk to me like that, either. Do you hate me, Tohma-kun?"
"No…I'm sorry." He shook his head and stroked my hair. His voice tightened. "Ryu-kun, I'm sorry, I have to find Eiri—" He stopped abruptly as Mika returned and his hand snapped back to his side quickly.
We left again and night fell as we continued our search. Tohma's Author-love was missing for 3 days now. He stopped suddenly, then took off running, cursing a lot.
"Kitazawa!" He shouted as I followed him, leaving Mika behind in her stiletto heels.
I was out of breath by the time I reached what I guessed to where it all began. We hurried up the flights of steps, Tohma in his own little time warp. I could feel the memory playing around him, in his quick, sharp breaths. Eiri-kun, please be okay!
He turned the corner quick and threw open a door, I was one step behind. His Author-love sat on the floor by an overturned couch, a handgun hesitantly pressed to his temple, his finger ready to complete the deed.
"Eiri-kun!" Tohma cried as his beautiful tawny-golden eyes drifted up, overflowing with tears.
"Tohma-kun…gomen nasai…" he said as his finger twitched and the gun went off and Tohma screamed. The next thing I knew, Tohma was by his side, holding him tight, trying to stop the hemorrhaging. I began to shake as the scent and sight of all the blood reached me. Tohma was covered in Eiri's blood, sobbing uncontrollably, trying to keep him alive. I was frozen; dead, deader than Eiri. I was scared; I'd never seen Tohma cry. I crept over to him, holding his fedora that had fallen to the floor.
"Tohma-kun…" I whispered as he buried his face in Eiri's chest. I gently touched his arm and he looked up at me, anger and pain in his eyes.
"Go away!" He snarled at me, shoving me backwards, then nestled his face back in Eiri's chest. "Eiri-kun…please don't leave me…"
Tohma left a bloody handprint on my pale blue shirt.
An ambulance came and took Tohma and Eiri away, I stayed with Mika in the police car. We sat in the hospital waiting room, or rather I sat there, Mika took care of things and Tohma was frozen in place by the doors. He looked like a madman, covered in Eiri's blood; it was everywhere, on his clothes, his face, in his hair…
I pulled my knees up to my chest and wished I had brought Kumagorou with me, but then, he wouldn't have helped. Hiro and Shuichi rushed in some time later. Shuichi went stark white when he saw Tohma and I.
"Tell….tell me he's okay…" he whispered, already starting to cry.
Neither of us said anything and Shuichi collapsed into Hiro sobbing.
Uesugi Eiri never came out of surgery. Everyone returned to Japan for the funeral, that was full of people. Some were inconsolable, some were solemn, others were there out of respect and some, like Tohma and I were stoic Zombies.
I couldn't feel, watching Tohma just sit there staring into space. It became his only doing, spacing out.
A few months after the funeral, Tohma and Mika got a divorce. The only thing that tied them together then was their love for Eiri. And now Eiri and that connection was gone.
Tohma was a walking Zombie; N-G quietly replaced him while he grieved, Nittle Grasper stopped writing songs and performing, Tohma himself stopped eating, stopped sleeping, stopped caring. He was hospitalized twice for collapsing due to malnutrition and when his weight dropped to under 90 pounds.
He wouldn't acknowledge anyone, not even me, no matter how hard I tried. He'd only stare at me, then walk away.
I hated him for it, I'd been trying to understand him and his reasons, but I selfishly wanted the old Tohma back, to laugh, to smile, to love me again.
I found him one day, in one of the recording studios sitting listlessly at the piano. His fingers gently pressed the keys into a melody that was probably happy at one time. I sat astride the bench and he looked at me, giving the weakest smile ever.
"I used to play this for Eiri when he was younger. He….he used to love it…" His fingers retracted into his palms and took a deep, shaky breath.
I held him in my arms, his cheek pressed against my own.
Tohma moved in with me so I could keep an eye on him, reminding him to eat, making sure he slept well, etc.
I cuddled with him on the couch, pulling my fingers through his silky blonde hair.
"Ryuichi?" He whispered.
"Yeah?"
"I'm afraid."
"Why?"
"Because I'm all alone, now."
"No, you're not, Tohma-kun," I said, making him look at me. "I love you and I'll never let you be lonely or anything, okay?" I kissed him softly on the cheek, like he would always do mine. "You're here and that's all that matters. Make the best of it, Tohma-kun. Eiri is in a better place, now, but you are here, with people who do care and who love you very much."
He smiled and nuzzled into me. "I love you, too, Ryuichi-kun."
Hiroshi called me a few days after BAD LUCK announced they were beginning to tour again. Shuichi-kun had written at least 30 new songs in his angst—I had, too, and was ready to get back into the swing of things. I met him at a little café downtown.
"Hey." he said as I sat down, adjusting my baseball cap.
"Hi, how are you?" I asked. "When's the first concert of the Rebirth tour?"
"Wednesday." he replied, tucking a lock of auburn hair behind his ear.
"How is Shuichi?"
"Excited, I guess. A little melancholy about the situation, but still okay." Hiro poured me a cup of coffee and nudged it to me. "So, how are you?"
"Okay, Tohma's doing much better, too. We're going to start recording soon, since we're not quite up to performing."
He nodded and stared at the tabletop. We still didn't need words.
I feel guilty. He said to me without speaking.
I know, I do, too. I told him, responding in the same way.
Yuki died to give us what we wanted; Shuichi and Tohma..
Sou ne, demo, I think it must have been for some good, Hiro-san. Yuki-san made both Tohma and Shuichi miserable and so happy all at once. His passing only magnified the misery, but we negated that, eventually. I believe that Yuki sacrificed himself for all of our happiness….
I want to believe that, Ryuichi-san.
Then, just do, Hiroshi-san.
[End.]