Author's Note: I don't own Ayashi no Ceres nor the song "Where Will You Go?" by Evanescence. This is Aki's POV as he goes insane throughout the series and loses control of his body to his alter ego (the fisherman guy who loves Ceres). I think I scared myself writing this one and do you know who I blame for that? Neko-chan! I've been reading all of her wonderful yet creepy Yu-Gi-Oh fics and it kind of inspired me, then I heard this song by Evanescence and I was like "That would be so perfect for a songfic about a creepy, insane person!" And then Aki popped into my head and I had to write this. Please enjoy and review!
Where Will You Go?
By: Lauren
I sit in my dark cell. Well, they told me it was my room, but it isn't much. It should be considered a cell; at least, I think so. The door is always closed and always locked. It is as if they are afraid of what will happen if I get out.
What will happen if I get out any ways?
I sigh, running a hand through my golden blonde hair as my thoughts continued to run rampant. Since when had life changed so terribly much for me? There had been a time when things had been different. Things were happy and…normal. So much simpler.
Then what had happened? Normal like had been torn apart. Father is dead…mother is in a coma…and I'm losing my mind. I'm even trying to kill my own sister without even knowing it. My dear Aya. I know they're using me against her but I can't escape. I'm weak; I can't fight this like you can Aya! What's wrong with everything I see? Who am I anymore? I…I can feel him constantly trying to take over me…always there…always pounded…always screaming…filling my mind with words…
My hands fly up to my head, gripping it tightly as I squeeze my eyes shut, praying that this simple motion will stop it all- stop the pounding ache in my mind and the voice that always speaks. Hot, silent tears flow down my cheeks as I collapse onto my bed.
~*~
You're too important for anyone
There's something wrong with everything you see
But I, I know who you really are
You're the one who cries when you're alone
~*~
I curse under my breath, repeating to myself over and over again, "This is a nightmare. Any moment I'll wake up in bed with mom calling me downstairs for breakfast. I'll walk down to see Aya pigging out on food, dad reading the newspaper and mom bringing over pancakes for me. Yes, that's right. This is a nightmare. It has to be." I look down at my hands, seeing imaginary dried blood caking them. I whisper, "This isn't a nightmare. Even nightmares aren't this bad." Real fear is flooding my mind. Real scars are covering my body. Real blood is on my hands.
I huddle in my bed, wrapping the covers around my hands, trying to scrub at them madly. Make it go away. Make it stop. Don't paint my hands with crimson blood! It's flowing, filling my room, covering me, all over me. All over me.
Get it off!
GET IT OFF!!!
~*~
But where will you go
With no one left to save you from yourself
You can't escape
You can't escape
~*~
I'm just supposed to be a gawky sixteen year old! Not this! Not this!
I slam my fists into the metal bed frame.
The pain is real. It hurts, it stings, but it doesn't matter. It only proves this is all the more real and that is something I don't want to accept.
No wonder I was betrayed. No wonder everybody inches away from me when they're around me, like they don't want to be seen with me.
I want to cry again, but the tears won't come. My heart feels like a rock inside my chest. Everything around me is cold, hard and merciless; the concrete walls, the cement floor, the iron bars on my windows. I thought I could wrap myself in my memories of being loved- by Aya, by mother, by father, by grandpa. But grandpa's love was fake. My father died protecting Aya. My mother went into a coma. And Aya seems so far away and long ago that it seems like it was some other boy she had loved. Some little Aki that I can barely remember.
I'm so alone. All alone. I want to fall asleep, dry-eyed and hard-hearted, just one more cold thing in this 'room'. But I can't even escape in my sleep.
~*~
You think that I can't see right through your eyes
Scared to death to face reality
No one seems to hear your hidden cries
You're left to face yourself alone
~*~
When I sleep, I have nightmares just as bad as the ones I live. He always mocks me in them. They're filled with death, darkness, blood, and no escape. No escape but to wake up and when I scream, when I thrash and kick, I can't wake up. I can never wake up until he says so.
He kills. He stains me with blood. He makes me guilty. He makes me yearn for Aya. He traps me away. I hate him. I can't control him.
I am Him.
I can't be saved. Nobody can save me from him. From myself. I can't escape. There is no escape. Never.
I'm afraid. I'm scared. I tremble, I sob, I call for help but no one comes. I want to abandon them like they've abandoned me. But Aya…I can never see her. I'll only hurt her.
Blood. It's everywhere again. Killing, yearning, crying, lusting, soaking, screaming, yelling, cursing, dying, staining…
It's a pool. It's in my clothes. It's soaking into my clothes. My pale skin is being dyed red. It's filling my vision and it's everywhere.
I'm itching my skin. I'm scratching it madly.
MAKE IT STOP! GET THE BLOOD OFF ME! I DON'T WANT IT! I WANT TO BE CLEAN!
My own blood is mixing with the blood of others. Scratching, peeling my skin away. Stop it! Innocent lives…
Gone…
Because of me. There is no escaping the blood, the horror, the pain. It's always there. Cold. Biting. Forever..
~*~
But where will you go
With no one left to save you from yourself
You can't escape
You can't escape
I realize you're afraid
But you can't abandon everyone
You can't escape
You don't want to escape
~*~
Love. Hate. It doesn't matter anymore. Nothing matters anymore.
There is only destruction.
I want to lash, bite, and claw, GET FREE!! But he is cruel. He holds onto me. He takes over. He destroys. He is destruction.
And what is this all for?
He claims love.
It makes me sick. SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK!
What is love any ways? He wants his woman back! Pathetic! She doesn't want him! She doesn't need him! He is only destruction. Death. DEATH DEATH DEATH and BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD!
Black. An abyss of HATE. Not LOVE. HATE! DO YOU HEAR ME?! HATE! PAIN! PLEASURE! DESTRUCTION!
He's turning me into this hateful creature too! I can't control him! He's driving me mad. Insane. He's twisted. INSANE! And what for?!
LOVE! Do you hear me? LOVE!
It makes me laugh. Do you hear me?! I LAUGH! I LAUGH AT HIM! I don't understand him. I never will. He's corrupted. Mutilated. Twisted. I'm caged. No escape. I scream. DO YOU HEAR ME SCREAM!?! NO! I'M ALONE! ALONE WITH HIM! ALWAYS CAGED WITH HIM! LISTEN TO ME! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!
~*~
I'm so sick of speaking words that no one
understands
Is it clear enough that you can't live your whole life all alone
I can hear you in a whisper
But you can't even hear me screaming
But where will you go
With no one left to save you from yourself
You can't escape
You can't escape
~*~
He likes scaring me. He is always scaring me. He chants threats to me, over and over and over again in my mind. Always. Never stopping. He makes me drown in sadness, loneliness, fear and tears, making me watch my friends fade away, one by one until there is no one left. All gone. Alone. Good-bye forever. I cry and scream for them to come back but they won't. They never do. The world is dark and the blood keeps running and running, soaking me like I'm in an ocean and he makes me grin at it. It's coppery, sweet, tangy, sour, it makes me gag but he still drinks it. He wants to bathe in the darkness and blood. He wants his woman with him. He loves hurting and corrupting just for himself. He loves to kill. He loves the feel, the hiding, the running, threatening, the obliteration, and the terror.
I'm going insane. Insane. They all think I'm insane!
I'm not! I can't be! NOT NOT NOT NOT!
It's HIM! He loves the blood and darkness, screaming and pain, hatred, anger, want, need, anguish, he loves all of it. He loves it. He wants to crush the weak, laughing and laughing while they scream and never stop screaming.
The screams echo in my head. Always. Always.
MAKE THEM STOP!
MAKE HIM STOP!!
PLEASE! SOMEONE!
I'M AFRAID!
I WANT TO ESCAPE!
STOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPIT!
Aya, please be strong. Be stronger than me. I can't escape anymore. Please, promise me, if I try to hurt you…if I do anything wrong…I want you…to be the one…to kill me. I'm sorry Aya. I'm so sorry but…I know…that I was never alone. You were always there inside my heart, urging me on to fight and escape.
~*~
I realize you're afraid
But you can't reject the whole world
You can't escape
You won't escape
You can't escape
You don't want to escape
~*~
But…I'm just so tired.
I want to rest…