Truth's Revealed

The day was quickly turning into afternoon, of that I was certain. The appearance of Buffy earlier that morning had startled me, a little more than it should have, and I had reacted foolishly. I hated myself for it, for telling her about the dreams, about trying to save her.

The lifelessness of her eyes haunted me and I couldn't even get to sleep.

Slipping outside through the sewers, I wondered what her fellow Scoobies were up to.

"Bet bloody Xander's still thinkin' the Slayer's normal." I said, slowly climbing out of the manhole, careful to make sure no stray ray of sunlight touched me.

I was behind the Magic Box, a place where the likes of me were rarely welcome. Giles had thrown me out enough times. But during the bout with Glory, I was wanted once more. Buffy knew I could help and she knew I could be trusted... if only I hadn't.

I shook the thought away as voices from inside the store became clear to me. The words were hard to make out but I tuned down the background noise and got a clear picture of what they were saying.

"You brought me back. I was in a ... I was in hell. I, um ... I can't think too much about what it was like. But it felt like the world abandoned me there. And then suddenly ... you guys did what you did."

Buffy.

My mind became unfocused for a second, knowing that she would most likely say something about earlier that day.

"It was Willow. She knew what to do." I heard Tara say.
"Okay. So you did that. And the world came rushing back. Thank you. You guys gave me the world. I can't tell you what it means to me."

She didn't sound very convincing with that last bit, I thought, wondering what was up.

"And I should have said it before."
Willow's voice came out clear, "You're welcome."

"Welcome home, Buffy."

That bloody Xander again, I couldn't stand him. And I would've burst in during the middle of what I knew had to be a big group hug... save for one thing.

I was trying to figure out what that one thing was when the back door to the Magic Box opened and out stepped the one person I was both dreading and delighting in seeing, Buffy.

She began to walk a few paces away from me, not even noticing I was there. Inside, my emotions conflicted. They told me to leave her be, let her run off on her own and work out her problems at home. The other half of me, a half I ignored for over a century, told me to stop her. I had to find out what was wrong, why she looked like life had no meaning, what was making her give the world the cold shoulder.

"Buffy."

She looked up, spotting me standing in the alleyway. Her lost look changed to one of confusion.

"Spike, it's daylight and you're..."

"Not on fire?" I looked toward the sky, the beautiful blue sky, "Sun's low enough, shady enough here."

That look reappeared on her face as she folded her arms around her stomach.

I had to start up conversation, "I was gonna go inside, but I overheard you and the Super-friends exchanging a special moment and I came over a bit queasy."

What was I saying?! Why was I lying to her like that, it wasn't what I thought at all! But Buffy just wiped a stray hair from her face, a faraway I'm-not-listening look overcoming her features.

"Say, aren't you leaving a hole in the middle of some soggy group huh?" I asked, hoping she would come around eventually.

She sat down on a packing crate, not more than a couple feet from me, "Just wanted a little time alone."

"Oh, uh, right then." I stood, that half of me screaming to stay by her side. I began to walk away, ignoring the little voice in my head but soon reached the shadow's line.

It was then that I realized that the voice in my head was going to win. I couldn't leave the alley, not this way anyway, not now when the sun had risen so very high. Stopping, I squinted up at the sky.

"That's okay." Buffy's voice came from behind me, "I can be alone with you here."

"Thanks ever so." I replied, still looking at the sky before turning and giving Buffy a rueful smile.

"Right."

I realized then that something was terribly wrong. She had acted this way in my crypt, but now that I saw her in the daylight, her beautiful features seemed darkened by an inner shadow.

"Buff?... Slayer? Are you okay?"

Watching, she composed herself and nodded, "I'm here. I'm good."

She wasn't good, here yes, but good, no. Walking back to her I felt my face gain an expression of deep worry.

"Buffy, if you're in... if you're in pain... or if you need anything... or if I can do anything for you..."

"You can't." she blurted out, looking down at her lap.

At first I worried that I'd said something wrong so I tried to lighten the mood a little, "Well, I haven't been to a hell dimension just of late," I sat on a crate next to her, "but I do know a thing or two about torment."

"I was happy."

The words took a moment to register in my mind as I looked down at her in confusion.

"Wherever I... was... I was happy. At peace."

Merciful darkness, she wasn't in hell... I should've seen if before, those idiot friends of hers... they...

"I knew that everyone I cared about was all right. I knew it. Time... didn't mean anything... nothing had form... but I was still me, you know?" Buffy's eyes focused on me for a moment before looking away.

She was hurting, hurting more than I could've ever imagined. I hadn't the foggiest idea that this was what was wrong. We all suspected it was post hell trauma... but this...

"And I was warm... and I was loved... and I was finished. Complete. I don't understand about theology or dimensions, or... any of it, really... but I think I was in heaven."

No Buffy... no... I thought, continuing to stare at her. The confusion on my face turned to a look of dismay. Something inside of me ached, like it would break. I hurt for her... her pain...

"And now I'm not." Tears began to well in her eyes, "I was torn out of there. Pulled out... by my friends."

I resisted the urge to put a comforting arm around her shoulders, but just watched her, listening to words I now wished I'd never heard before.

"Everything here is... hard, and bright, and violent. Everything I feel, everything I touch... this is hell. Just getting through the next moment, and the one after that..." her voice became almost a whisper.

Oh god Buffy... I wanted to tell her, tell her things would get better, but no words would come. The shock of her revelation, it was so horrible, something I'd never thought of in my wildest dreams.

"...knowing what I've lost."

She looked up at me then, realizing, I think, for the first time that I was there. Her look of pain faded slowly and then Buffy stood, I could tell she had grown uncomfortable. The line between light and darkness stopped her and I truly believed she would turn back to me, tell me she was going to be alright.

"They can never know. Never."

Her back was all I could see, lightly bathed in sunlight, as she walked away from me, from her friends in the Magic Box. We had brought her back into this harsh world, maybe not me, but I wanted her back more than anything.

Buffy didn't have post hell trauma... she had been in heaven, happy for the first real time ever... and we'd destroyed it.

Standing, I wanted to rush into the Magic Box, tell the others what a mistake they'd made. But then I stopped and watched Buffy's fleeting form. I realized that, if told, her pain would become unbearable... I could never live with myself if she were put through that much, not now, not ever.

Lifting up the manhole cover, I jumped down into the sewer, returning to my crypt. Evening would come in a few hours, Buffy would patrol, things would go back to the way they were... for some people. For me, things would never be the same. I had tried to kill her, destroy her life, her friends lives, and her happiness. Now, I wanted nothing more than to protect her from the nasties in life.

But I'd never be able to protect her from this...





The End