Author's Note: Reading too much R/G drives me to write it. Of course, most of my efforts are inadequate to convey the appeal of the pairing, but hey, it's fun.
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I hate you.
That's what I try to tell myself. The opposite of hate is indifference, and I can't be indifferent to you, because every time you walk into the room something inside me springs up, like a part of me has come alive. And then I feel like the only time I'm alive is when you're around, and it scares me more than a Boggart ever could.
My ears turn red, and I have to look away. I pretend that I'm repulsed by you, that I can't stand to look at you, that when I redden it's because of my rage, because seeing you sets me on fire, so that I'd like nothing better than to dive at you and sock you right in that perfect smile, to knock out the straight, pearly white teeth.
But I wouldn't, I won't, I don't want to. I don't hate you like I do Malfoy, that I would sucker-punch him, that I would smile at his misfortune. I could never do that to you, never, never –
But seeing you does set me on fire, fire like your brilliant hair, like mine, like my freckles and my smile and my nose and my lips are all yours, all mine, all ours, we share everything, and I don't know when or why it was all so wrong when it always felt like it was right…
Seeing you does set me on fire, and I do want to dive at you, but not to knock out your teeth.
Seeing you does set me on fire, so I can't be indifferent to you, because fire isn't indifference, fire is hatred and obsession and everything but nothing…
I loved you once, and everything was innocent, everything was always right and we were together and we laughed and we cried but we were always together like one person. And now I can't love you because nothing I feel for you is right and innocent like it was then and I need you in a way I never did before and I feel like I'm falling and you're swallowing me whole and I don't want this but I want you, I want us to be one person again…
I loved you once, and I wonder if love could explain us now – the way you set me on fire by just existing and the way I can't help but not hate you but I'm not indifferent, and the way you smile with perfect white teeth just for me like no one else exists. In the worst way, because it's not me you're supposed to smile at like that, and everything about you in that moment is wrong even though to me you're perfect…
I loved you once, like a brother is supposed to love a sister, and I can never go back to that now, not now that I've tasted you like no one else ever has and I've touched and I know every part of you like I shouldn't and I wouldn't have if I hated you like I wish I do...
I loved you once, and you were sunshine. You caressed my skin with gentle touches and warmed my days with sweet smiles and laughter that bubbled up your throat like water from a spring, sparkling and fresh and pure.
Now you're fire. You consume and destroy everything in my life until all I'm left with is you and only you, and the passion and spark that ignited you in the first place.
I've learned something, now. It doesn't matter what I tell myself I feel. It doesn't matter what you are or who you are. I'll always need you.
I can't live without your light.