BODY-SWAP

Chapter 6

Disclaimer: Raziel, Kain & Nosgoth belong to Eidos, Crystal Dynamics, Silicon Knights. Etc. *sighs*

I'm sorry I can't do my usual responses to you the good reviewers *hands out Raz-shaped chocolate….ewww…* but my computer is playing up. So it's right on with the story –

That nail varnish is completely unforgiveable! What was the man thinking of? Judging by the look on my face I reckon he's definitely done this on purpose. I suppose I should be grateful that he settled for hideous make-up and balked at the hooker skirt and leather corset.

"Is this your girlfriend?" asks Kain, weakly. "Does this mean you're a lesbian now? I'm sorry, I don't really understand how this works…"

Striding forward, I stop dead, cowl-to-nose with my own body, and bring the backs of Raziel's claws about in a ringing smack across the face.

"You'll only bruise yourself, you know," Raziel says, sarcastically, reaching up with my pale human hand to touch the cheek where I have just, effectively, hit myself. "That body you're in is practically indestructable. I should know."

And with that, he slaps me across the cowl with the flat of my hand.

Smack.

"So really," he adds, making my lips curl in a smug little grin, "I can knock you around all I like, and it'll make me feel better, but when I get my body back, I won't be black and blue."

I try to be all righteous. "You can't hit me," I swagger, "I'm a girl. You don't hit girls."

"It's okay if you want to be a girl," comes Kain's voice from behind me. He has given up and is sitting on his throne, massaging his temples with his claws. "There is nothing wrong with girls. I will support you, if this is really what you want to do with your life, Raziel. I will still respect you."

We both turn on him and shout, "Shut up!" before turning back to each other in a fury.

"You can't do this," I snarl, "you've already made me look like a cheap tart by coming into the office and sleazing vampishly everywhere. And now you've compounded the felony by doing me up in that slutty manner!"

My body puts its hands on its hips, crossly. "Oh," says Raziel, "and of course you've behaved like a perfect angel, Angel…look at my father! He thinks I'm a lesbian! And by the way, this is Vogue's "Nail Colour of the Month"."

Kain, still in his seat, is staring at us as if he's waiting for Jerry Springer's bodyguards to intervene.

I slump my wings against a pillar, sulkily. "You started it," I say, taking refuge in the schoolyard response of those who are being beaten at their own game. Raziel, obviously, is also willing to be immature (no mean feat in someone of his vast age):

"Did not."

"Did too."

"Did not." Slap.

"Did too." Smack.

"Did not." Slap. "Wake up!"

"No, you wake up!"

Huge claws like a dragon's dig into both of our shoulders, and Kain abruptly looms over us, lowering dangerously. "Children," he purrs, "I don't know what's going on here, but I'm starting to suspect that neither of you are who you appear to be…"

The claw-tips bite into the skin on my human shoulder, and Raziel cries out in pain. "So maybe I'll just eat this human girl," Kain says, looking directly at me now, "and then we'll talk about your destiny, my boy."

For one moment, as my brain shrieks oh god oh god this was meant to be a practical joke I can't end up dead this way, I am frozen to the spot. Raziel, more experienced in these situations, brings back my elbow in a vicious swipe to Kain's midriff and turns to stamp on his foot with my best heels. "Bastard!" he shrieks in a bizarre coloratura, (and I swear my voice has never sounded that angry before) "how dare you pick on my girl-friend!!"

"Yeah!" I shout, bouncing on my hooves, "you go, girl! - uh, I mean - oh, just kick his ass, Raz!"

"With your body?!!" Raziel squeaks, "how long d'you think I'd last? Are you crazy? Start running or start waking up -"

Kain, springing to his feet with a roar, raises the Reaver and prepares to shoot at us.

" - preferably both," Raziel adds, tearing off the high heels and sprinting for the door bare-foot with me in hot pursuit, my hooves thumping on the tiles.