The early morning sun through the drapes roused her easily. She rolled
over languidly, only to find herself alone in the bed. She blinked her
eyes open, suddenly wondering if the activities of the previous night had
transpired solely in her head. She had almost convinced herself that it
had all been a dream when her bathroom door swung open. Robert stood in
the doorway, dressed in the same clothing from the day before, shirt open,
tie slung loosely around his neck. The steam trailing behind him told her
he had already showered, and she realized she could smell coffee brewing.
She smiled at him, and he finally spoke:
"You're out of dental floss."
Erin rolled her eyes. "Good morning to you, too, Robert." Her brow suddenly creased. "You better not have used my toothbrush."
His face clouded with confusion. "I can stick my tongue down your throat, but I can't use your toothbrush?"
"Right," she said, fluffing her hair with her fingers. "Kissing is one thing, but sharing a toothbrush? That's just gross!" Her eyes scanned the room. "Have you seen my robe?"
Robert found it, green satin draped over the back of a chair. He lifted it, dangling it from one finger.
"That's it. Could you toss it here?"
He leaned against the wall, a self-satisfied grin on his lips. "Nope. Sorry. You'll have to come and get it."
Tongue in cheek, Erin rose from the bed, letting the sheet fall away. Robert's eyes moved easily over her as she crossed the room and held out her hand. He held it open for her to slip her arms inside. "You are a goddess," he said simply.
"Thank you," she placed a small kiss on his cheek, securing the sash about her waist. "You are an ass."
She left the room with him following close behind, humming appreciatively at the view. As they reached the kitchen, Erin's dog Sophie slipped in through the pet door from the back yard and trotted over. Robert dropped to one knee, rubbing the animal's auburn coat. Erin found a mug and filled it with coffee, and the hair on the back of her neck stood on end. She could literally feel the change in the air as Robert stood up and spoke in a quiet voice. "We need to talk." Forcing herself to remain collected, she turned to face him as if nothing was amiss. "Sure."
He took a seat at her kitchen table. After a long pause, he began slowly. "I need to know how you think we should handle this."
"This," she repeated neutrally.
"Us."
"Oh, us."
"Now don't get me wrong. Nothing would give me more pleasure than to just walk in and announce to every heterosexual male at County that I'm bedding the sexiest woman in the ER. Especially Carter and that slug Dale Edson." That flash of the old Rocket helped to put them both a little more at ease. "But it leaves me to wonder what we would be left to deal with."
"If everyone found out we were.involved, you mean."
"Exactly."
"You think the repercussions of disclosing such information would be less than pleasant?"
Robert seemed surprised. "Don't you think so?"
"No, I know so." Her answer gave him a small but visible sense of relief, and Erin could not pass on the opening. "You think I want to spend all my time listening to my co-workers telling me how much better I could do?" She grinned devilishly as he took her comment on the chin. "Plus, with your record of suspected sexual harassment, one would logically assume that I was just in it to save my job."
She giggled as he sighed in exasperation. "All right, all right," he rose from the chair and crossed the room, stopping just in front of her.
"So, you're okay with this being just between us?"
Erin was surprised to realize that she actually was okay, and she nodded. "Sure." She was further surprised when he leaned in and kissed her gently before saying, "Not forever. Just for now." He put his arms around her and pulled her close. She returned the embrace, running her hands over his back. "I've got to go," he said softly against her neck. They exchanged one last kiss, and then he quietly left the house. Erin walked to her front window to watch him drive away. As the Jaguar disappeared down the street, she hugged her arms over her chest. Not forever.just for now. She shivered. What exactly does that mean?
She spent that afternoon wandering aimlessly about the house. It was her turn to cover the night shift in the ER; she did not have to be in until eight that evening. Worried that her inability to focus would only get worse, she dressed in a leotard, loaded some soothing music into her CD player, and forced herself into the yoga routine she'd been using for four years. Closing her eyes and stretching her muscles, the rest of the world melted away until all she could hear was her own pulse in her ears. After a while, she emerged from her meditation, confident she could at least survive the twelve-hour shift that lay ahead of her. She showered and dressed at an easy pace, and at seven-thirty, grabbed her keys and headed out the door.
Arriving at the ER, John greeted her exuberantly. "Am I glad to see you! The board is full, we've got at least twelve people who have been waiting three hours to be triaged, and I was supposed to be out of here two hours ago!"
"Can I at least put my stuff away?" She hurried into the lounge to drop off her bag. When she emerged once more, John continued speaking as if he'd never stopped. "You should have seen the trauma that blew through here earlier. Sixteen college kids trying to build a fifty-foot bonfire, and it collapsed. We had crush injuries everywhere!"
Erin clicked her tongue in mild disgust. "Try not to sound so excited, Carter,"
"I'm not," he answered defensively. "I just wanted you to know why we got so backed up." He followed her to the admit desk and rounded her through the patients on the board. "I'll stick around until we get the films on the guy in curtain two, and I can suture up the scalp lac in four, but I'm not taking any new charts." Erin smiled gratefully at him. "You sure you don't want to just make a mad dash for it?" John shook his head as he headed for curtain area two.
"No way. You have no idea how long I've been waiting to get one up on you. It'll be nice to have you owing me a favor for once."
"Don't push your luck, Carter." Erin called after him, but she couldn't help but grin. Then, with a sigh, she grabbed her first chart of the night and headed for exam one.
The night droned on at a maniac pace. She treated and streeted a broken ankle, a stomach flu, and a lacerated palm in what felt like a matter of minutes. The radio was blessedly quiet as she, Chen, Kovac, and the rest of the staff worked at break-neck pace to clear the board. Finally, just after midnight, they were down to non-critical, easy to treat patients. Luka, who had come on at nine that morning, asked Amira in a weary voice where he could find Erin. She directed him to the suture room. Luka found the young doctor irrigating the arm of a very stoned young woman who had locked herself out of her house. In order to gain entry, she had broken a window. Of course, she then cut herself reaching inside to unlock it and push it open. Erin was saying, "It's a good thing you had the presence of mind to grab your house key before coming here," when Luka stuck his head in the door.
"Think you guys have things under control?"
"Sure," Erin grinned at him piteously. "Get out of here, you look exhausted."
"I love you," Kovac groaned as he headed back down the hall. Erin giggled as she returned her attention to her patient. "Well, Miss Dickson, it looks like you're going to need about ten or fifteen stitches." The young woman rolled her glassy eyes with a moan.
"I'm gonna have a ugly big-ass scar, ain't I?"
"I'll do my very best," Erin promised, then gestured to the barbwire braid encircling the biceps of the girl's other arm. "You could always get another tattoo."
The young woman snorted. "Can I get that in writing? My mom would die if she knew I had doctor's permission." Erin laughed at that as well, then bent her head in concentration.
She emerged from the room a short time later and headed to the admit desk. "Arm lac, ready for discharge."
Lydia hopped off her stool as Erin handed her a prescription. "Tylenol with codeine?"
Erin nodded. "I'm afraid to give this girl anything stronger; she practically floated off her chair." Amira laughed as a voice barked out of the radio speaker. "County this is 27, anyone there?" Malik moved to pick up the mic. "This is County, go ahead 27."
"We are en route with a 19 year old male, multiple GSW's to the chest and abdomen, ETA two minutes."
Erin grabbed a drape and gloves. "Prep trauma two and page surgery," she called as she headed out into the ambulance bay, Malik following at her heels. They met the rig and unloaded the gurney, taking note of the young man's clothing and tattoos. "Gang shooting?" Erin asked.
EMT Rodriguez answered her with a nod. "Most likely."
"Should we expect any more of his homies?"
"Street was quiet when we got there."
"Hope it stays that way," Erin mused as they transferred the patient quickly to the trauma room.
Shortly after, it became necessary to intubate him, which Erin did almost reflexively. "He's going to need a left chest tube," Malik informed her. He handed her the necessary equipment, and she leaned in to make the required incision. She had barely broken skin when a spray of blood drenched her from throat to waist. She jerked back, and felt two hands catch her by the shoulders. She turned and found herself face to face with Robert. "It's okay," he reassured her brusquely, taking the scalpel from her hand and moving her aside. Trying not to show how rattled she was, Erin moved around to the other side of the gurney. I can't believe he's still here! Sudden beeping grabbed her attention. "He's bradying down," she announced. "Get the crash cart!"
"Chest tube is in," Romano barked.
"Charging," Lydia called out as she set the dials on the cart. Erin grabbed the paddles; Malik slathered them with gel. The familiar beep sounded from the cart, and Erin commanded everyone back. "Clear!" She discharged the voltage into the patient's chest, with no response. "Charge again," she demanded. "Clear!" Two more shocks, and the young man's heart began beating once again. "Got sinus," Erin announced. "Squeeze in two more units."
"Nice job," Robert said as he raised the guardrails of the bed. "Let's get him upstairs." Erin assisted in pushing the gurney to the elevator, not certain if she was doing it because it was her job, or if it was just an excuse to spend a few more seconds with Robert. She found herself hoping it was the former, because it wasn't doing much for her ego - he seemed all but oblivious to her presence. He shooed the other passengers off the elevator car as he stepped aboard, then turned to face her. Just before the doors closed, he dropped her an almost imperceptible wink. She smiled to herself, then turned and headed back to the ER. She removed her gloves and drape and dumped them in the biohazard bin before planting her hands in the small of her back and stretching. She could hear music drifting from the portable stereo Jerry had left at the admit desk, and she walked toward it. With no new patients, the next couple of hours dragged by. Then just after three-thirty, the phone rang. Amira answered it, then held it out. "Erin, it's Dr. Romano for you."
Erin glanced around, but she and Amira were the only two people in the area. She accepted the receiver and lifted it cautiously to her ear. "This is Dr. Windsor."
"Thought you'd like to know your gang-banger made it off the table," his voice was gravelly with fatigue.
"Oh. That's good." She noticed Amira watching her, and rolled her eyes for effect. Amira grinned, and turned her focus back to her magazine. "Thanks for letting me know."
"You're welcome." Silence hung between them for a moment.
Upstairs on the surgical floor, Robert was sitting alone in the darkened lounge. He rubbed his brow in frustration, not knowing what else to say, not wanting to hang up the phone. Finally, he sighed in resignation. "Well, good night."
Erin's voice drifted softly from the earpiece. "Yeah, to you, too."
He dropped the handset back into its cradle, then pinched the bridge of his nose, squeezing his eyes tightly shut. He tried to imagine what demurrals she would be making to the people downstairs, what she would say to try and explain his call. Probably giving them some line about how I chewed her out for emptying half that guy's volume on the trauma room floor. He checked his watch, calculating how much rest he could get before returning at nine the next morning. Then he found himself trying to think of an excuse to return to the ER. He could say he left something there earlier, or that he needed to check one of the schedules. And, of course, there was always the generic "paperwork" rouse.
Oh, come on, grow up! He chided himself. You've been here for fifteen hours! You spent at least ten of that in the OR! Go home! Get the hell out of here. before you make a really stupid mistake.
He stood up slowly, collecting his valise and jacket, and moved to the door. He exited the lounge and walked over and pressed the elevator button. The car arrived after a brief wait, and he stepped inside. His finger hovered over the button for the ER for a second or two, before finally stabbing the one for the parking garage. He leaned heavily against the wall, and the doors slid shut.
Being on opposite shifts at the hospital prevented the pair from seeing each other for the next two days. Erin's pride had begun to smart when Robert didn't call, and she was afraid to make the first move. She had still not decided what to do when, on the third day, she checked her hospital mailbox and found a note that read "See Accounting" in lieu of her paycheck. Curious and confused, she made her way to the appropriate office and handed the note to the receptionist. The woman flipped through her messages and nodded. "Yes, you'll need to see Dr. Romano." Erin's heart skipped a beat, and she hurried to the surgical floor. His secretary was not at her desk, so she knocked a bit awkwardly on his office door. She heard his voice bark from inside, "What?" She turned the knob and stuck her head inside. "That's real polite."
Robert looked up, his expression softening a bit when he saw her. "Oh, it's you. Come in."
"Nice to see you, too," she said in a flat voice.
"I suppose you're looking for this," he held up a white envelope containing her check. She crossed the room as he stepped out from behind his desk. She reached for it, but he held it just beyond her reach. She cocked one eyebrow at him, and he leaned in to kiss her. She barely had time to respond before he pulled away, once again, just her boss. Then he handed her what she came for. "Don't forget to sign your time card again."
Erin's heart sank a little as she pulled the card from the envelope and Robert tossed a pen at her. She had thought that his holding her check was just a rouse so they could be alone together. Knowing there was a legitimate reason seemed to deflate that theory. As if he'd read her mind, he piped up. "You do know I could have let Weaver collect that signature."
Her eyes met his, and she saw that familiar devilish glint. "Thanks for running interference." She finished signing her name and slid the card and the pen across the desk to him. Then his face turned suddenly serious.
"Did you hear about the funeral?" He asked in a low voice.
She nodded. "Elizabeth called me last night."
"You're going, of course."
"Of course."
He sighed. "Yeah, me too." A momentary pause. "Would you risk being seen in public with me again?"
"Why, Dr. Romano," she said coyly. "People will say we're in love." His failure to respond was not lost on her, but she chose to let it slip. "Thank you. It would be nice to be there with someone."she groped for words. Unable to find any to sum up her feelings, she simply finished, "It would be nice."
Robert was visibly relieved. "Yeah, well I figured we went to the wedding together."
"Now, that's in bad taste." She turned and headed for the door, she was turning the knob when his voice came from behind her once more:
"Can I call you tonight?"
Smiled to herself, but forced her expression to be little more than reassuring. "I'd like that." Then, heart in her throat, she opened the door and left.
The morning of Mark's memorial dawned crisp and clear. Erin awoke and dressed without turning on the television or the stereo. She had chosen a simple black silk suit, and wore only her watch and the gold earrings the Greene's had given her for her birthday. Her doorbell chimed unexpectedly, and she hurried to answer it. She saw the black Jaguar through the front window. "Oh, God, he's early," she said aloud. Pulling the door open, she repeated herself. "You're early." Robert stood on her front step, and though he almost always dressed in a suit and tie, today he looked decidedly uncomfortable. "Come on in. I need about another fifteen minutes." He followed her wordlessly into the house. She thought he might wait in the kitchen or living room; instead, he continued after her into the bedroom. She sat in front of her vanity and began sweeping her auburn locks up into a French twist, but he moved behind her, stopping her hands. "Leave it down." She dropped her hands to her side, and he gently stroked her hair back down. His eyes found hers in the mirror.
"Are you sure?"
He nodded, even leaned over to place a soft kiss on her neck. Relenting, she picked up her brush and began pulling it through her hair. Tucking it behind her ears, she stood up. "Well, then, I guess I'm ready." Robert put an arm around her waist and she leaned into his embrace as they headed out of her house.
They drove to the cemetery in silence. Occasionally, Robert's hand would leave the wheel to gently touch her knee or squeeze her fingers, but his eyes remained fixed on the road. As they pulled into the appropriate area, they could see a few people already milling about: Kerry Weaver, John Carter, Peter Benton. Robert parked the car, climbed out, and moved around to open her door. She took the hand he offered as she rose from her seat, and they moved together toward the crowd together. As they got closer, Robert recognized Dr. Swift, and quietly excused himself to go speak to him. As he walked away, John approached Erin with a curious expression. "What are you now - his social safety net?"
Erin shrugged, and unsure of what else to say, used Robert's own analogy. "Well, we did go to their wedding together."
"Oh, that's tacky!"
"Hey," she gestured to Robert, a few yards away. "His words." She and John continued speaking for a bit as more and more people arrived - Donald Anspaugh, Haleh and Lydia, Michael Gallant, even Frank. Then, finally, the limousine pulled up to the gravesite and Elizabeth stepped out, followed closely by Jennifer. She looked around for a bit, finding her bearings, then slowly moved towards them. Erin's eyes stung as she folded her friend into her embrace. "Elizabeth, I am so sorry."
"Thank you so much for being here," Elizabeth was composed but sincere. "Mark was so fond of you. Of both of you," she reached over to embrace Carter as well. John kissed her cheek gently.
"Well, we both owed him a great deal." John put his arm around Erin, whose face was now streaked with a single tear. "He will be greatly missed." He easily guided the two women to chairs, and they gratefully sat down. When the minister called everyone to the service, Robert took his place standing behind Erin, gently tugging on her hair. She smiled up at him, and then the clergyman asked everyone to bow their heads.
When the memorial was over, John informed everyone that they were welcome to assemble at his family's estate for a reception. Everyone dispersed, heading for their vehicles. Once on the road, Robert asked Erin if she knew how to get there. She nodded, giving him the directions. They rode on for a bit before he spoke again. "You've been there before?"
"A couple of times," she responded absently, checking her makeup in the visor mirror.
"Anything ever go on between you two?"
That got her attention. "Who?"
"You and Carter."
Erin looked at him incredulously. "Why do you want to know?"
"Just curious." His tone seemed a bit too aloof, and she leaned over, trying to see his eyes.
"Are you jealous?"
Robert shot her a look of, "Give me a break," but she laughed anyway. "No, Robert, nothing ever 'went on' between Carter and I."
"Good," he said simply.
The reception John had arranged was lovely. There was soft music, good food, and people stood about easily sharing their tales of Mark and other conversation. Erin and Robert were standing on the terrace sipping wine when Elizabeth appeared. Robert, who had not spoken directly to her yet, embraced her a bit awkwardly. "Elizabeth, you have my most heartfelt sympathies. Mark was a good man. I'm sorry he didn't have more time." Bewildered, Erin found herself beaming inwardly with pride for him. Breathing deeply, she focused all her concentrations on not letting it show. Elizabeth returned the hug with genuine warmth. "Thank you, Robert." Then she stepped back with a heavy sigh. "I'm glad I found you both together," she said softly. "That way I'll only have to say this once."
"Say what?" Erin was concerned.
Dr. Corday swallowed hard. "I'm selling the house."
"Selling the house?" Robert repeated.
"Yes. I'm going back to London."
Erin's heart sank. "Oh, Elizabeth, no. Don't leave."
Elizabeth shook her head. "I'm sorry. I can't go back to that house. It's too hard. He's everywhere, in everything.I just can't bear to face it, day in and day out."
"Okay, so we find you a new house," Erin soothed. "That doesn't mean you have to leave the country."
"No, I have to go. I'm a single mother now. I need the support of my family."
That explanation rang hollow to both Erin and Robert, but he managed to speak first. "We're more a family to you than any other people on the planet, Lizzie."
"He's right," Erin insisted. "There isn't anything we wouldn't do for you, no help we wouldn't give."
"No, I'm sorry. My mind's made up. Ella and I leave the day after tomorrow." She hugged both Erin and Robert one last time before turning abruptly to go. "I'm so sorry."
After she vanished from site, Erin turned to him, her face filled with sadness. Clenching his jaw, Robert opened his arms to her. "Come here." She stepped into his embrace and he held her for a moment, wrestling with his own quiet agony. "Can we get out of here, please?"
Erin nodded, and he left her to fetch the car. She thanked John in the warmest manner she could, and made her own exit. She was barely in the car before Robert pealed out of the drive. He was almost oblivious to her presence as he steered the car down the streets. When they arrived at his house instead of hers, she was almost certain he had forgotten she was with him. His leaving the car and walking into the house alone only supported that idea, and Erin was unsure what to do. She moved through his front door on unsteady legs, and looked around. He was nowhere in sight. She moved a little further into the house, and finally found him in the study. He had poured himself a shot of scotch, and was leaning heavily on the oak beverage cart.
"You really can't stand to see her go, can you?" Her voice was quiet, but it cut the air like a knife.
"You don't understand," his voice was flat.
"What?" Her tone hardened. "Wanting someone who wants to be with someone else?" She tuned on her heel. "Don't be so sure."
"Erin," he called after her, but she ignored him. She walked into a room across the hall and pulled her cellular from her bag. She flipped it open and dialed information. When the recorded message paused, she requested the number for Yellow Cab, then pressed "1" to be connected. Robert entered the room and reached to take the phone from her but she jerked away. A voice answered on the other end of the line, and she spoke hastily. "Yes, I need a taxi to.to." She glanced at him in frustration. "Where the hell am I?" When he shook his head and refused to answer, she stalked back to the foyer. "Fine, I'll go outside and find the address myself."
"Erin, would you get back in here?"
She almost called out a refusal, then changed her mind. "I'm sorry," she told the dispatcher. "I'm going to have to call you back." Robert emerged and she whirled on him. "You know, I know that you have feelings for her, and I think I've done a pretty good job dealing with that!" She pushed her hair from her face before continuing. "And I know it's hard to close the book on someone you really care about. But that doesn't give you the right to vent your frustration at my expense. By my count, with Lizzie gone, I'm the only friend you've got!"
He met her fiery gaze. "You're right."
His simple admission deflated some of her anger, and she stepped closer to him. "Look, I'm trying really hard not to form any expectations. I don't want to ask for too much from you, but I don't mind giving you a little of what you need. Now I think that's pretty decent of me."
"I agree."
"Good," she sighed. "Then you'd better get the rules straight. I want to be here for you, but you've got to ask me. I can't read your mind, and even if I could, I wouldn't. It can be just between us, but you have to tell me what you're looking for. And Robert?" Her eyes bore into his. "I won't let you use me."
"I don't mean to," he said. "I don't know what the hell is going on around me right now. All I know is that you are an oasis in the middle of it. I don't offer you anything, because I don't know what I can give. And, despite what you may think, I am trying to be considerate of you." He rubbed his hand over the top of his head. "It's not that I want you to replace Elizabeth, it's just.I don't know how to separate the two of you."
"I'll tell you how." Erin crossed to him and took his hand in hers. "I'm the one who's here. I'm the one you can touch, the one you can talk to. I don't want to reform you and I don't want to redeem you. I just like finding my way with you." She took his face in her hands. "I don't know where this is going, Robert. Like I said: no expectations. But like you told me once, you can only come along with your eyes open." He moved to kiss her, and she pulled back slightly. He persisted and she finally let him cover her mouth with his. His lips moved slowly and deliberately, and his gaze never left hers. When the kiss was over, he released her asking, "Will you stay, spend the night with me tonight? "I don't know," she said honestly, checking her watch. "It's early. Let's see where the evening takes us." She glanced around. "Where's the kitchen?"
She ended up staying that night, and the night after.
"You're out of dental floss."
Erin rolled her eyes. "Good morning to you, too, Robert." Her brow suddenly creased. "You better not have used my toothbrush."
His face clouded with confusion. "I can stick my tongue down your throat, but I can't use your toothbrush?"
"Right," she said, fluffing her hair with her fingers. "Kissing is one thing, but sharing a toothbrush? That's just gross!" Her eyes scanned the room. "Have you seen my robe?"
Robert found it, green satin draped over the back of a chair. He lifted it, dangling it from one finger.
"That's it. Could you toss it here?"
He leaned against the wall, a self-satisfied grin on his lips. "Nope. Sorry. You'll have to come and get it."
Tongue in cheek, Erin rose from the bed, letting the sheet fall away. Robert's eyes moved easily over her as she crossed the room and held out her hand. He held it open for her to slip her arms inside. "You are a goddess," he said simply.
"Thank you," she placed a small kiss on his cheek, securing the sash about her waist. "You are an ass."
She left the room with him following close behind, humming appreciatively at the view. As they reached the kitchen, Erin's dog Sophie slipped in through the pet door from the back yard and trotted over. Robert dropped to one knee, rubbing the animal's auburn coat. Erin found a mug and filled it with coffee, and the hair on the back of her neck stood on end. She could literally feel the change in the air as Robert stood up and spoke in a quiet voice. "We need to talk." Forcing herself to remain collected, she turned to face him as if nothing was amiss. "Sure."
He took a seat at her kitchen table. After a long pause, he began slowly. "I need to know how you think we should handle this."
"This," she repeated neutrally.
"Us."
"Oh, us."
"Now don't get me wrong. Nothing would give me more pleasure than to just walk in and announce to every heterosexual male at County that I'm bedding the sexiest woman in the ER. Especially Carter and that slug Dale Edson." That flash of the old Rocket helped to put them both a little more at ease. "But it leaves me to wonder what we would be left to deal with."
"If everyone found out we were.involved, you mean."
"Exactly."
"You think the repercussions of disclosing such information would be less than pleasant?"
Robert seemed surprised. "Don't you think so?"
"No, I know so." Her answer gave him a small but visible sense of relief, and Erin could not pass on the opening. "You think I want to spend all my time listening to my co-workers telling me how much better I could do?" She grinned devilishly as he took her comment on the chin. "Plus, with your record of suspected sexual harassment, one would logically assume that I was just in it to save my job."
She giggled as he sighed in exasperation. "All right, all right," he rose from the chair and crossed the room, stopping just in front of her.
"So, you're okay with this being just between us?"
Erin was surprised to realize that she actually was okay, and she nodded. "Sure." She was further surprised when he leaned in and kissed her gently before saying, "Not forever. Just for now." He put his arms around her and pulled her close. She returned the embrace, running her hands over his back. "I've got to go," he said softly against her neck. They exchanged one last kiss, and then he quietly left the house. Erin walked to her front window to watch him drive away. As the Jaguar disappeared down the street, she hugged her arms over her chest. Not forever.just for now. She shivered. What exactly does that mean?
She spent that afternoon wandering aimlessly about the house. It was her turn to cover the night shift in the ER; she did not have to be in until eight that evening. Worried that her inability to focus would only get worse, she dressed in a leotard, loaded some soothing music into her CD player, and forced herself into the yoga routine she'd been using for four years. Closing her eyes and stretching her muscles, the rest of the world melted away until all she could hear was her own pulse in her ears. After a while, she emerged from her meditation, confident she could at least survive the twelve-hour shift that lay ahead of her. She showered and dressed at an easy pace, and at seven-thirty, grabbed her keys and headed out the door.
Arriving at the ER, John greeted her exuberantly. "Am I glad to see you! The board is full, we've got at least twelve people who have been waiting three hours to be triaged, and I was supposed to be out of here two hours ago!"
"Can I at least put my stuff away?" She hurried into the lounge to drop off her bag. When she emerged once more, John continued speaking as if he'd never stopped. "You should have seen the trauma that blew through here earlier. Sixteen college kids trying to build a fifty-foot bonfire, and it collapsed. We had crush injuries everywhere!"
Erin clicked her tongue in mild disgust. "Try not to sound so excited, Carter,"
"I'm not," he answered defensively. "I just wanted you to know why we got so backed up." He followed her to the admit desk and rounded her through the patients on the board. "I'll stick around until we get the films on the guy in curtain two, and I can suture up the scalp lac in four, but I'm not taking any new charts." Erin smiled gratefully at him. "You sure you don't want to just make a mad dash for it?" John shook his head as he headed for curtain area two.
"No way. You have no idea how long I've been waiting to get one up on you. It'll be nice to have you owing me a favor for once."
"Don't push your luck, Carter." Erin called after him, but she couldn't help but grin. Then, with a sigh, she grabbed her first chart of the night and headed for exam one.
The night droned on at a maniac pace. She treated and streeted a broken ankle, a stomach flu, and a lacerated palm in what felt like a matter of minutes. The radio was blessedly quiet as she, Chen, Kovac, and the rest of the staff worked at break-neck pace to clear the board. Finally, just after midnight, they were down to non-critical, easy to treat patients. Luka, who had come on at nine that morning, asked Amira in a weary voice where he could find Erin. She directed him to the suture room. Luka found the young doctor irrigating the arm of a very stoned young woman who had locked herself out of her house. In order to gain entry, she had broken a window. Of course, she then cut herself reaching inside to unlock it and push it open. Erin was saying, "It's a good thing you had the presence of mind to grab your house key before coming here," when Luka stuck his head in the door.
"Think you guys have things under control?"
"Sure," Erin grinned at him piteously. "Get out of here, you look exhausted."
"I love you," Kovac groaned as he headed back down the hall. Erin giggled as she returned her attention to her patient. "Well, Miss Dickson, it looks like you're going to need about ten or fifteen stitches." The young woman rolled her glassy eyes with a moan.
"I'm gonna have a ugly big-ass scar, ain't I?"
"I'll do my very best," Erin promised, then gestured to the barbwire braid encircling the biceps of the girl's other arm. "You could always get another tattoo."
The young woman snorted. "Can I get that in writing? My mom would die if she knew I had doctor's permission." Erin laughed at that as well, then bent her head in concentration.
She emerged from the room a short time later and headed to the admit desk. "Arm lac, ready for discharge."
Lydia hopped off her stool as Erin handed her a prescription. "Tylenol with codeine?"
Erin nodded. "I'm afraid to give this girl anything stronger; she practically floated off her chair." Amira laughed as a voice barked out of the radio speaker. "County this is 27, anyone there?" Malik moved to pick up the mic. "This is County, go ahead 27."
"We are en route with a 19 year old male, multiple GSW's to the chest and abdomen, ETA two minutes."
Erin grabbed a drape and gloves. "Prep trauma two and page surgery," she called as she headed out into the ambulance bay, Malik following at her heels. They met the rig and unloaded the gurney, taking note of the young man's clothing and tattoos. "Gang shooting?" Erin asked.
EMT Rodriguez answered her with a nod. "Most likely."
"Should we expect any more of his homies?"
"Street was quiet when we got there."
"Hope it stays that way," Erin mused as they transferred the patient quickly to the trauma room.
Shortly after, it became necessary to intubate him, which Erin did almost reflexively. "He's going to need a left chest tube," Malik informed her. He handed her the necessary equipment, and she leaned in to make the required incision. She had barely broken skin when a spray of blood drenched her from throat to waist. She jerked back, and felt two hands catch her by the shoulders. She turned and found herself face to face with Robert. "It's okay," he reassured her brusquely, taking the scalpel from her hand and moving her aside. Trying not to show how rattled she was, Erin moved around to the other side of the gurney. I can't believe he's still here! Sudden beeping grabbed her attention. "He's bradying down," she announced. "Get the crash cart!"
"Chest tube is in," Romano barked.
"Charging," Lydia called out as she set the dials on the cart. Erin grabbed the paddles; Malik slathered them with gel. The familiar beep sounded from the cart, and Erin commanded everyone back. "Clear!" She discharged the voltage into the patient's chest, with no response. "Charge again," she demanded. "Clear!" Two more shocks, and the young man's heart began beating once again. "Got sinus," Erin announced. "Squeeze in two more units."
"Nice job," Robert said as he raised the guardrails of the bed. "Let's get him upstairs." Erin assisted in pushing the gurney to the elevator, not certain if she was doing it because it was her job, or if it was just an excuse to spend a few more seconds with Robert. She found herself hoping it was the former, because it wasn't doing much for her ego - he seemed all but oblivious to her presence. He shooed the other passengers off the elevator car as he stepped aboard, then turned to face her. Just before the doors closed, he dropped her an almost imperceptible wink. She smiled to herself, then turned and headed back to the ER. She removed her gloves and drape and dumped them in the biohazard bin before planting her hands in the small of her back and stretching. She could hear music drifting from the portable stereo Jerry had left at the admit desk, and she walked toward it. With no new patients, the next couple of hours dragged by. Then just after three-thirty, the phone rang. Amira answered it, then held it out. "Erin, it's Dr. Romano for you."
Erin glanced around, but she and Amira were the only two people in the area. She accepted the receiver and lifted it cautiously to her ear. "This is Dr. Windsor."
"Thought you'd like to know your gang-banger made it off the table," his voice was gravelly with fatigue.
"Oh. That's good." She noticed Amira watching her, and rolled her eyes for effect. Amira grinned, and turned her focus back to her magazine. "Thanks for letting me know."
"You're welcome." Silence hung between them for a moment.
Upstairs on the surgical floor, Robert was sitting alone in the darkened lounge. He rubbed his brow in frustration, not knowing what else to say, not wanting to hang up the phone. Finally, he sighed in resignation. "Well, good night."
Erin's voice drifted softly from the earpiece. "Yeah, to you, too."
He dropped the handset back into its cradle, then pinched the bridge of his nose, squeezing his eyes tightly shut. He tried to imagine what demurrals she would be making to the people downstairs, what she would say to try and explain his call. Probably giving them some line about how I chewed her out for emptying half that guy's volume on the trauma room floor. He checked his watch, calculating how much rest he could get before returning at nine the next morning. Then he found himself trying to think of an excuse to return to the ER. He could say he left something there earlier, or that he needed to check one of the schedules. And, of course, there was always the generic "paperwork" rouse.
Oh, come on, grow up! He chided himself. You've been here for fifteen hours! You spent at least ten of that in the OR! Go home! Get the hell out of here. before you make a really stupid mistake.
He stood up slowly, collecting his valise and jacket, and moved to the door. He exited the lounge and walked over and pressed the elevator button. The car arrived after a brief wait, and he stepped inside. His finger hovered over the button for the ER for a second or two, before finally stabbing the one for the parking garage. He leaned heavily against the wall, and the doors slid shut.
Being on opposite shifts at the hospital prevented the pair from seeing each other for the next two days. Erin's pride had begun to smart when Robert didn't call, and she was afraid to make the first move. She had still not decided what to do when, on the third day, she checked her hospital mailbox and found a note that read "See Accounting" in lieu of her paycheck. Curious and confused, she made her way to the appropriate office and handed the note to the receptionist. The woman flipped through her messages and nodded. "Yes, you'll need to see Dr. Romano." Erin's heart skipped a beat, and she hurried to the surgical floor. His secretary was not at her desk, so she knocked a bit awkwardly on his office door. She heard his voice bark from inside, "What?" She turned the knob and stuck her head inside. "That's real polite."
Robert looked up, his expression softening a bit when he saw her. "Oh, it's you. Come in."
"Nice to see you, too," she said in a flat voice.
"I suppose you're looking for this," he held up a white envelope containing her check. She crossed the room as he stepped out from behind his desk. She reached for it, but he held it just beyond her reach. She cocked one eyebrow at him, and he leaned in to kiss her. She barely had time to respond before he pulled away, once again, just her boss. Then he handed her what she came for. "Don't forget to sign your time card again."
Erin's heart sank a little as she pulled the card from the envelope and Robert tossed a pen at her. She had thought that his holding her check was just a rouse so they could be alone together. Knowing there was a legitimate reason seemed to deflate that theory. As if he'd read her mind, he piped up. "You do know I could have let Weaver collect that signature."
Her eyes met his, and she saw that familiar devilish glint. "Thanks for running interference." She finished signing her name and slid the card and the pen across the desk to him. Then his face turned suddenly serious.
"Did you hear about the funeral?" He asked in a low voice.
She nodded. "Elizabeth called me last night."
"You're going, of course."
"Of course."
He sighed. "Yeah, me too." A momentary pause. "Would you risk being seen in public with me again?"
"Why, Dr. Romano," she said coyly. "People will say we're in love." His failure to respond was not lost on her, but she chose to let it slip. "Thank you. It would be nice to be there with someone."she groped for words. Unable to find any to sum up her feelings, she simply finished, "It would be nice."
Robert was visibly relieved. "Yeah, well I figured we went to the wedding together."
"Now, that's in bad taste." She turned and headed for the door, she was turning the knob when his voice came from behind her once more:
"Can I call you tonight?"
Smiled to herself, but forced her expression to be little more than reassuring. "I'd like that." Then, heart in her throat, she opened the door and left.
The morning of Mark's memorial dawned crisp and clear. Erin awoke and dressed without turning on the television or the stereo. She had chosen a simple black silk suit, and wore only her watch and the gold earrings the Greene's had given her for her birthday. Her doorbell chimed unexpectedly, and she hurried to answer it. She saw the black Jaguar through the front window. "Oh, God, he's early," she said aloud. Pulling the door open, she repeated herself. "You're early." Robert stood on her front step, and though he almost always dressed in a suit and tie, today he looked decidedly uncomfortable. "Come on in. I need about another fifteen minutes." He followed her wordlessly into the house. She thought he might wait in the kitchen or living room; instead, he continued after her into the bedroom. She sat in front of her vanity and began sweeping her auburn locks up into a French twist, but he moved behind her, stopping her hands. "Leave it down." She dropped her hands to her side, and he gently stroked her hair back down. His eyes found hers in the mirror.
"Are you sure?"
He nodded, even leaned over to place a soft kiss on her neck. Relenting, she picked up her brush and began pulling it through her hair. Tucking it behind her ears, she stood up. "Well, then, I guess I'm ready." Robert put an arm around her waist and she leaned into his embrace as they headed out of her house.
They drove to the cemetery in silence. Occasionally, Robert's hand would leave the wheel to gently touch her knee or squeeze her fingers, but his eyes remained fixed on the road. As they pulled into the appropriate area, they could see a few people already milling about: Kerry Weaver, John Carter, Peter Benton. Robert parked the car, climbed out, and moved around to open her door. She took the hand he offered as she rose from her seat, and they moved together toward the crowd together. As they got closer, Robert recognized Dr. Swift, and quietly excused himself to go speak to him. As he walked away, John approached Erin with a curious expression. "What are you now - his social safety net?"
Erin shrugged, and unsure of what else to say, used Robert's own analogy. "Well, we did go to their wedding together."
"Oh, that's tacky!"
"Hey," she gestured to Robert, a few yards away. "His words." She and John continued speaking for a bit as more and more people arrived - Donald Anspaugh, Haleh and Lydia, Michael Gallant, even Frank. Then, finally, the limousine pulled up to the gravesite and Elizabeth stepped out, followed closely by Jennifer. She looked around for a bit, finding her bearings, then slowly moved towards them. Erin's eyes stung as she folded her friend into her embrace. "Elizabeth, I am so sorry."
"Thank you so much for being here," Elizabeth was composed but sincere. "Mark was so fond of you. Of both of you," she reached over to embrace Carter as well. John kissed her cheek gently.
"Well, we both owed him a great deal." John put his arm around Erin, whose face was now streaked with a single tear. "He will be greatly missed." He easily guided the two women to chairs, and they gratefully sat down. When the minister called everyone to the service, Robert took his place standing behind Erin, gently tugging on her hair. She smiled up at him, and then the clergyman asked everyone to bow their heads.
When the memorial was over, John informed everyone that they were welcome to assemble at his family's estate for a reception. Everyone dispersed, heading for their vehicles. Once on the road, Robert asked Erin if she knew how to get there. She nodded, giving him the directions. They rode on for a bit before he spoke again. "You've been there before?"
"A couple of times," she responded absently, checking her makeup in the visor mirror.
"Anything ever go on between you two?"
That got her attention. "Who?"
"You and Carter."
Erin looked at him incredulously. "Why do you want to know?"
"Just curious." His tone seemed a bit too aloof, and she leaned over, trying to see his eyes.
"Are you jealous?"
Robert shot her a look of, "Give me a break," but she laughed anyway. "No, Robert, nothing ever 'went on' between Carter and I."
"Good," he said simply.
The reception John had arranged was lovely. There was soft music, good food, and people stood about easily sharing their tales of Mark and other conversation. Erin and Robert were standing on the terrace sipping wine when Elizabeth appeared. Robert, who had not spoken directly to her yet, embraced her a bit awkwardly. "Elizabeth, you have my most heartfelt sympathies. Mark was a good man. I'm sorry he didn't have more time." Bewildered, Erin found herself beaming inwardly with pride for him. Breathing deeply, she focused all her concentrations on not letting it show. Elizabeth returned the hug with genuine warmth. "Thank you, Robert." Then she stepped back with a heavy sigh. "I'm glad I found you both together," she said softly. "That way I'll only have to say this once."
"Say what?" Erin was concerned.
Dr. Corday swallowed hard. "I'm selling the house."
"Selling the house?" Robert repeated.
"Yes. I'm going back to London."
Erin's heart sank. "Oh, Elizabeth, no. Don't leave."
Elizabeth shook her head. "I'm sorry. I can't go back to that house. It's too hard. He's everywhere, in everything.I just can't bear to face it, day in and day out."
"Okay, so we find you a new house," Erin soothed. "That doesn't mean you have to leave the country."
"No, I have to go. I'm a single mother now. I need the support of my family."
That explanation rang hollow to both Erin and Robert, but he managed to speak first. "We're more a family to you than any other people on the planet, Lizzie."
"He's right," Erin insisted. "There isn't anything we wouldn't do for you, no help we wouldn't give."
"No, I'm sorry. My mind's made up. Ella and I leave the day after tomorrow." She hugged both Erin and Robert one last time before turning abruptly to go. "I'm so sorry."
After she vanished from site, Erin turned to him, her face filled with sadness. Clenching his jaw, Robert opened his arms to her. "Come here." She stepped into his embrace and he held her for a moment, wrestling with his own quiet agony. "Can we get out of here, please?"
Erin nodded, and he left her to fetch the car. She thanked John in the warmest manner she could, and made her own exit. She was barely in the car before Robert pealed out of the drive. He was almost oblivious to her presence as he steered the car down the streets. When they arrived at his house instead of hers, she was almost certain he had forgotten she was with him. His leaving the car and walking into the house alone only supported that idea, and Erin was unsure what to do. She moved through his front door on unsteady legs, and looked around. He was nowhere in sight. She moved a little further into the house, and finally found him in the study. He had poured himself a shot of scotch, and was leaning heavily on the oak beverage cart.
"You really can't stand to see her go, can you?" Her voice was quiet, but it cut the air like a knife.
"You don't understand," his voice was flat.
"What?" Her tone hardened. "Wanting someone who wants to be with someone else?" She tuned on her heel. "Don't be so sure."
"Erin," he called after her, but she ignored him. She walked into a room across the hall and pulled her cellular from her bag. She flipped it open and dialed information. When the recorded message paused, she requested the number for Yellow Cab, then pressed "1" to be connected. Robert entered the room and reached to take the phone from her but she jerked away. A voice answered on the other end of the line, and she spoke hastily. "Yes, I need a taxi to.to." She glanced at him in frustration. "Where the hell am I?" When he shook his head and refused to answer, she stalked back to the foyer. "Fine, I'll go outside and find the address myself."
"Erin, would you get back in here?"
She almost called out a refusal, then changed her mind. "I'm sorry," she told the dispatcher. "I'm going to have to call you back." Robert emerged and she whirled on him. "You know, I know that you have feelings for her, and I think I've done a pretty good job dealing with that!" She pushed her hair from her face before continuing. "And I know it's hard to close the book on someone you really care about. But that doesn't give you the right to vent your frustration at my expense. By my count, with Lizzie gone, I'm the only friend you've got!"
He met her fiery gaze. "You're right."
His simple admission deflated some of her anger, and she stepped closer to him. "Look, I'm trying really hard not to form any expectations. I don't want to ask for too much from you, but I don't mind giving you a little of what you need. Now I think that's pretty decent of me."
"I agree."
"Good," she sighed. "Then you'd better get the rules straight. I want to be here for you, but you've got to ask me. I can't read your mind, and even if I could, I wouldn't. It can be just between us, but you have to tell me what you're looking for. And Robert?" Her eyes bore into his. "I won't let you use me."
"I don't mean to," he said. "I don't know what the hell is going on around me right now. All I know is that you are an oasis in the middle of it. I don't offer you anything, because I don't know what I can give. And, despite what you may think, I am trying to be considerate of you." He rubbed his hand over the top of his head. "It's not that I want you to replace Elizabeth, it's just.I don't know how to separate the two of you."
"I'll tell you how." Erin crossed to him and took his hand in hers. "I'm the one who's here. I'm the one you can touch, the one you can talk to. I don't want to reform you and I don't want to redeem you. I just like finding my way with you." She took his face in her hands. "I don't know where this is going, Robert. Like I said: no expectations. But like you told me once, you can only come along with your eyes open." He moved to kiss her, and she pulled back slightly. He persisted and she finally let him cover her mouth with his. His lips moved slowly and deliberately, and his gaze never left hers. When the kiss was over, he released her asking, "Will you stay, spend the night with me tonight? "I don't know," she said honestly, checking her watch. "It's early. Let's see where the evening takes us." She glanced around. "Where's the kitchen?"
She ended up staying that night, and the night after.