Having Robert back at work seemed to be a double-edged sword. On the one
hand, Erin was strangely pleased to see his bombastic nature return, to
realize his wit had not lost its razor sharpness. On the other hand, it was
difficult to watch him pace the corridors like a caged animal, forced to
merely observe as others acted. And the fluctuation of ability in his
injured arm was a constant frustration. But they seemed to battle through
quite well together, and Erin found herself living for the little things:
his insistence on driving her to and from work,, the sometimes caustic
banter they'd exchange over a patient, the evenings where she would sit
behind him on the sofa or in bed, rubbing his shoulders.
But lighter moments were becoming fewer as the focus of his therapy shifted from his arm, which was fine; to his fingers, which were not as dexterous as he hoped, or as he needed them to be if he wanted to operate again. When Abby suggested the staff dress up for Halloween, Erin came up with just the right costume.
Robert was waiting for her in the kitchen when she appeared, dressed in his blue surgical scrubs and surgical coat. She had pinned her hair up beneath one of his brightly colored scrub caps. "You never wear scrubs to work," he commented.
"It's Halloween."
"So you're dressing up like a surgeon. How cute."
"Yep." There was a devilish gleam in her eye. "My favorite surgeon." "
You're supposed to be me? How will anyone be able to tell?"
"Oh, trust me. They'll be able to tell."
He shook his head, picking up his briefcase. "Whatever. We better get going; Marty gets pissy when I'm late."
They arrived at the hospital and parted ways, he for PT, she for the ER. She strode in like she owned the place and chose her first victim. "Carter, what the hell do you think this is, a hospital or a haunted house? Play dress up on your own damn time!" Lily and Malik dissolved into laughter as she placed her hands on her hips.
"Now, why didn't I think of that?" John laughed.
"You're too tall to pull it off," Erin grinned, sending the rest of them into another chorus of laughter. She continued to barge through the rest of her shift, pleased that her co-workers were amused rather than perturbed by her abrasive behavior. "Great costume," Susan drawled.
"It's all in the attitude," Malik dropped Erin a wink. "And she's got his down."
"Well, if any of us should be able to do him, it's her. She lives with him"
"You know, I know he can be a real pain, but being a total ass to everyone around you?" Erin grinned. "It's just so liberating."
The friendly conversation was interrupted with news of the impending arrival of several victims caught in an apartment fire. "Uh-oh, crispy critters." Susan and Erin headed for the ambulance bay together. Erin caught the first gurney, assisted by Malik and Chuney. They wheeled the victim inside as the paramedics explained the man's condition. "A couple of leg burns, mostly superficial. Was crushed against a wall in the panic to get out. Possible broken ribs, maybe a fractured clavicle." Erin supervised the patient's transfer to the trauma room and went to work. From the corner of her eye, she could see Elizabeth working on a burn victim of her own with Robert offering assistance in the background. She was prepping for a chest tube when she heard Robert's voice, a curt bark of pain. She craned her neck, trying to get a better look through the window that separated the two rooms. She could see him, doubled over his arm.
"Pulse-ox 62 on one hundred percent," Malik's voice pulled her back to the task at hand. She went to work, stabilizing her patient, trying to stay focused. It took a nearly Herculean effort, but she managed to secure his vitals so he could be transferred to the ICU. Then, snapping off her gloves, she walked out into the hall. She moved through the ER, trying to locate Romano, but was unable to. She headed for the desk. "Frank, have you seen Dr. Romano?"
"Aren't I looking at him?" He teased dryly.
"The bald one," she clarified with a grin.
Frank laughed. "I think he took some guy up to surgery with some leg infection."
"Oh," she brightened a bit at the news. "Thanks, Frank."
A few hours passed. Erin treated a few children with upset stomachs, assisted in monitoring the other burn victims, and sutured up a hand lac. She was preparing the latter's dispo, when Frank held the phone out to her. "It's that nurse from the surgical department."
Erin took the receiver, concerned. "Shirley?"
"Hey, Dr. Windsor, I think you better get up here."
Erin's heart leapt into her throat. "What's wrong?"
"Don't panic. He's just upset. He brought in a nec-fac a little while ago, and they ended up having to take the leg."
"Oh, God," Erin murmured dejectedly. She slid the scrub cap off of her head and unpinned her hair.
"He took it pretty hard. I think he needs someone." Shirley's voice was thick with fatigue.
"I'll be right there." She hung up the phone and scratched her fingers over her scalp. "Frank, I'm going upstairs for a while."
"Everything okay?" Frank asked in his usual gruff manner.
"I'm about to find out."
She moved to the elevator and pressed the button to summon a car. It was a bit of a wait. She was just about to give up and take the stairs when the doors slid open. She stepped inside and saw the light for the surgical floor already illuminated. She leaned heavily against the wall as she waited to arrive. When she emerged, she caught sight of Shirley. She hooked her thumb towards the lounge questioningly. Shirley nodded, indicating Robert was indeed there. Pushing up her sleeves, Erin strode purposefully down the hall. But her gait faltered a little as her focus adjusted on the window of the surgeon's lounge.
The blinds were open. Robert was sitting defeated in his chair, Elizabeth standing over him. Trying to brush away her uncertainty, Erin moved to open the door. But her hand froze on the knob as she watched Dr. Corday drop to her knees and lay a hand on Robert's knee. Calm down, she told herself. They're friends. It's just a friend comforting a friend.
And then Robert took Elizabeth's face in his hand. Erin felt the air sucked out of her lungs as she watched. The chemistry between the two surgeons was obvious, and it hit her like a knife. They held their posture only for a second or two, but to Erin it felt like an eternity. And then Elizabeth was turning her attention to her pager. The look on Robert's face as she moved to leave was unbearable. Erin forced her fingers to release the doorknob, and she stumbled around the corner, not wanting to be seen. She leaned against the wall, trying to catch her breath. Her mind reeled, and she tried to convince herself what she'd seen was no big deal.
Then why does it feel like my heart's been ripped out of my chest?
She somehow managed to compose herself, and she made her way to the stairwell. She stumbled back down to the ER, and made her way unnoticed to the lounge. Carter was there, fixing himself a cup of coffee. "Hey, are you okay?" He asked, concerned.
"Yeah," she nodded weakly. Then she shook her head. "Actually, no. I'm not feeling so good. Think you could cover my last two hours?"
"Sure," he crossed the room and lay his hand on her forehead. "No fever."
"Probably just too much Halloween candy," she offered weakly.
"You didn't eat any Halloween candy."
Her eyes pleaded with him to leave well enough alone. "Maybe you're just overtired," he offered. A wordless exchanged passed between them. He knew full well that it was something else; she knew he wouldn't pry. "Can Romano get away to drive you home?"
Erin kept her face neutral, shaking her head. "I'll just take the El." She fetched her purse and left the room before he had a chance to say anything else.
Robert sat behind his desk in his office mulling over paperwork, not really paying close attention to anything. He looked down at his arm, wrapped in its casing of plastic and metal. Marty's words from earlier still rang in his ears. Twenty percent chance of meaningful digit function.not sure you'll ever be able to operate again. you can still be chief of staff. He pinched the bridge of his nose and squeezed his eyes shut. Now Elizabeth's voice. A period of adjustment.you get over it.you'll work through it. His hand on her cheek, his need to apologize, his want to set the past aside and start over. But she still regarded him as a predator - the anxiety in her eyes when he touched her, her excuse about a bogus page, her hasty exit. They were all testimony to that. Give it time, he told himself. She'll come around. She'll stop being so nervous, especially when she sees how good things are with Erin.
Erin. Just the sound of her name brought a smile to his lips. He glanced at his watch. Her shift had ended an hour ago. She usually made her way up to him when she was finished, knowing it was best to escape the ER vortex, rather than risk being sucked back in by milling about the halls. He threw the files he'd been shifting about into his valise and rose to put on his coat. He made his way down to the ER and began looking for her. She was nowhere to be found. He saw John Carter at the admit desk. "Hey, Carter," he called out. "Where's Mini-Me?"
John's brow knitted together. "She left over three hours ago. Said she wasn't feeling well."
Impossible, he said to himself. Aloud: "How could she leave if she didn't take my car?"
"She said something about taking the El."
Robert turned brusquely on his heel and stalked towards the exit.
"You didn't know she was leaving?" Carter called after him.
Robert ignored him. Mind your own business, you nosy little prick, he thought to himself.
He drove home with a mild sense of alarm in his stomach. Something had to be wrong. Erin wouldn't just take off without a word, especially if she were feeling ill. He pulled into the driveway and hurried into the house. He wasn't even sure at first whether she was there or not. No lights were on; he could not hear the television or the stereo. He went upstairs to see if she had gone to lie down, but the bed was empty. He felt the first gnawing of panic when he walked into the living room.
She was sitting on the couch, knees pulled up under her chin, still dressed in his scrubs. She had lit the fireplace and was staring into the dancing flames, which provided the room its only illumination. Robert started to breathe a sigh of relief, preparing some bluster about her disappearing act, then noticed her expression. One of utter sadness. "Hey, gorgeous," he said softly. She didn't look up. He crossed the room and dropped to his knees in front of her. "Erin?" She still didn't move; she was barely breathing. He reached up to touch her face, much in the way he had reached for Elizabeth. She started violently, and his stomach twisted. "Erin, what the hell is the matter?"
Her green eyes finally met his. "I saw something today."
"Something at work?" She nodded, and he wracked his brain, listing as much of the trauma that had come in as he could, trying to guess what it may have been. Burn victims, crush injuries - nothing she hadn't dealt with a hundred times before. "What?"
"You. And Elizabeth."
Again, his mind raced to catalog the times he'd shared space with Corday. The trauma room, the OR. "The lounge," he said out loud. Something flickered in her eyes. "Erin, let me explain."
"I don't want you to explain." Her voice, quiet, cutting the air like a razor. She shook her head sadly. "I just want you to listen. I've been sitting here for hours, trying to figure out why I'm so upset. Trying to figure out what bothers me so much. And I think I finally did." She leveled him with her gaze. "I cannot stand the fact that you can look at another woman like that. I'm jealous, pure and simple. I wish I could be a bigger person, that I could rise above it, but I can't. "
"You don't have anything to be jealous about," he insisted.
"You say that now, but what about tomorrow? What about the day after that?" She hugged her arms over her chest. "Robert, I have to have something in my life that isn't a struggle. I deserve to have one thing that I can be sure of. And the only thing that I know for sure right now is that I cannot handle walking around another corner and coming face to face with what I saw today. Can I be sure that it won't ever happen again? I don't know. And frankly, I don't think you know either."
"Would you please just let me explain what you saw? You think you know what was going on, some stolen moment, some secret exchange, but it wasn't like that at all. We had a case go bad today."
"I know all about the nec-fac, Robert. I know he lost his leg. And I know that hits home for you. I also know that I was a phone call and an elevator ride away. You know, I think that's what hurt most. I was there on that roof, in the OR waiting area, in your hospital room. I am there for your therapy, I'm there for your struggle to keep your job, and I'm there to hold you and make love to you when you're discouraged. Yet tonight, when you really needed someone, it wasn't me you reached for. I hate it! I know I shouldn't, I know you deserve all the support you can get. But I just.I hate that you could be that way with somebody else. It's selfish, and greedy, and jealous, and it's how I feel." Tears were starting to well up in her eyes, and she rose to her feet. Robert groped for her desperately, but she stepped beyond his reach.
"Where are you going?"
"I have to get out of here." She moved towards the door, but he cut her off, restraining her body with all his strength.
"No. You can't leave. Stay. Stay and talk to me."
She shook her head. "Not now." She tried to move past him, but he caught her neck with his arm and crushed his mouth down on hers. She resisted at first, but he refused to let go. After a moment, she melted against him, moving her lips against his as if trying to release all the pent up frustration she felt. Robert felt a surge of hope in his chest as her arms encircled him. They stood locked in each other's embrace, kissing passionately for what seemed a small eternity. But when their bruised lips finally parted, Erin still wriggled out of his grasp.
He let her go with a choked sob, realizing she'd been kissing him goodbye.
He stood immobile for a moment after the door clicked shut behind her. There was a crystal vase on the table near his hand. He grabbed it and flung it at the wall with a primal roar. It smashed into smithereens.
Goddamn you, Lizzie, he thought to himself. Why couldn't you just stay away?
But lighter moments were becoming fewer as the focus of his therapy shifted from his arm, which was fine; to his fingers, which were not as dexterous as he hoped, or as he needed them to be if he wanted to operate again. When Abby suggested the staff dress up for Halloween, Erin came up with just the right costume.
Robert was waiting for her in the kitchen when she appeared, dressed in his blue surgical scrubs and surgical coat. She had pinned her hair up beneath one of his brightly colored scrub caps. "You never wear scrubs to work," he commented.
"It's Halloween."
"So you're dressing up like a surgeon. How cute."
"Yep." There was a devilish gleam in her eye. "My favorite surgeon." "
You're supposed to be me? How will anyone be able to tell?"
"Oh, trust me. They'll be able to tell."
He shook his head, picking up his briefcase. "Whatever. We better get going; Marty gets pissy when I'm late."
They arrived at the hospital and parted ways, he for PT, she for the ER. She strode in like she owned the place and chose her first victim. "Carter, what the hell do you think this is, a hospital or a haunted house? Play dress up on your own damn time!" Lily and Malik dissolved into laughter as she placed her hands on her hips.
"Now, why didn't I think of that?" John laughed.
"You're too tall to pull it off," Erin grinned, sending the rest of them into another chorus of laughter. She continued to barge through the rest of her shift, pleased that her co-workers were amused rather than perturbed by her abrasive behavior. "Great costume," Susan drawled.
"It's all in the attitude," Malik dropped Erin a wink. "And she's got his down."
"Well, if any of us should be able to do him, it's her. She lives with him"
"You know, I know he can be a real pain, but being a total ass to everyone around you?" Erin grinned. "It's just so liberating."
The friendly conversation was interrupted with news of the impending arrival of several victims caught in an apartment fire. "Uh-oh, crispy critters." Susan and Erin headed for the ambulance bay together. Erin caught the first gurney, assisted by Malik and Chuney. They wheeled the victim inside as the paramedics explained the man's condition. "A couple of leg burns, mostly superficial. Was crushed against a wall in the panic to get out. Possible broken ribs, maybe a fractured clavicle." Erin supervised the patient's transfer to the trauma room and went to work. From the corner of her eye, she could see Elizabeth working on a burn victim of her own with Robert offering assistance in the background. She was prepping for a chest tube when she heard Robert's voice, a curt bark of pain. She craned her neck, trying to get a better look through the window that separated the two rooms. She could see him, doubled over his arm.
"Pulse-ox 62 on one hundred percent," Malik's voice pulled her back to the task at hand. She went to work, stabilizing her patient, trying to stay focused. It took a nearly Herculean effort, but she managed to secure his vitals so he could be transferred to the ICU. Then, snapping off her gloves, she walked out into the hall. She moved through the ER, trying to locate Romano, but was unable to. She headed for the desk. "Frank, have you seen Dr. Romano?"
"Aren't I looking at him?" He teased dryly.
"The bald one," she clarified with a grin.
Frank laughed. "I think he took some guy up to surgery with some leg infection."
"Oh," she brightened a bit at the news. "Thanks, Frank."
A few hours passed. Erin treated a few children with upset stomachs, assisted in monitoring the other burn victims, and sutured up a hand lac. She was preparing the latter's dispo, when Frank held the phone out to her. "It's that nurse from the surgical department."
Erin took the receiver, concerned. "Shirley?"
"Hey, Dr. Windsor, I think you better get up here."
Erin's heart leapt into her throat. "What's wrong?"
"Don't panic. He's just upset. He brought in a nec-fac a little while ago, and they ended up having to take the leg."
"Oh, God," Erin murmured dejectedly. She slid the scrub cap off of her head and unpinned her hair.
"He took it pretty hard. I think he needs someone." Shirley's voice was thick with fatigue.
"I'll be right there." She hung up the phone and scratched her fingers over her scalp. "Frank, I'm going upstairs for a while."
"Everything okay?" Frank asked in his usual gruff manner.
"I'm about to find out."
She moved to the elevator and pressed the button to summon a car. It was a bit of a wait. She was just about to give up and take the stairs when the doors slid open. She stepped inside and saw the light for the surgical floor already illuminated. She leaned heavily against the wall as she waited to arrive. When she emerged, she caught sight of Shirley. She hooked her thumb towards the lounge questioningly. Shirley nodded, indicating Robert was indeed there. Pushing up her sleeves, Erin strode purposefully down the hall. But her gait faltered a little as her focus adjusted on the window of the surgeon's lounge.
The blinds were open. Robert was sitting defeated in his chair, Elizabeth standing over him. Trying to brush away her uncertainty, Erin moved to open the door. But her hand froze on the knob as she watched Dr. Corday drop to her knees and lay a hand on Robert's knee. Calm down, she told herself. They're friends. It's just a friend comforting a friend.
And then Robert took Elizabeth's face in his hand. Erin felt the air sucked out of her lungs as she watched. The chemistry between the two surgeons was obvious, and it hit her like a knife. They held their posture only for a second or two, but to Erin it felt like an eternity. And then Elizabeth was turning her attention to her pager. The look on Robert's face as she moved to leave was unbearable. Erin forced her fingers to release the doorknob, and she stumbled around the corner, not wanting to be seen. She leaned against the wall, trying to catch her breath. Her mind reeled, and she tried to convince herself what she'd seen was no big deal.
Then why does it feel like my heart's been ripped out of my chest?
She somehow managed to compose herself, and she made her way to the stairwell. She stumbled back down to the ER, and made her way unnoticed to the lounge. Carter was there, fixing himself a cup of coffee. "Hey, are you okay?" He asked, concerned.
"Yeah," she nodded weakly. Then she shook her head. "Actually, no. I'm not feeling so good. Think you could cover my last two hours?"
"Sure," he crossed the room and lay his hand on her forehead. "No fever."
"Probably just too much Halloween candy," she offered weakly.
"You didn't eat any Halloween candy."
Her eyes pleaded with him to leave well enough alone. "Maybe you're just overtired," he offered. A wordless exchanged passed between them. He knew full well that it was something else; she knew he wouldn't pry. "Can Romano get away to drive you home?"
Erin kept her face neutral, shaking her head. "I'll just take the El." She fetched her purse and left the room before he had a chance to say anything else.
Robert sat behind his desk in his office mulling over paperwork, not really paying close attention to anything. He looked down at his arm, wrapped in its casing of plastic and metal. Marty's words from earlier still rang in his ears. Twenty percent chance of meaningful digit function.not sure you'll ever be able to operate again. you can still be chief of staff. He pinched the bridge of his nose and squeezed his eyes shut. Now Elizabeth's voice. A period of adjustment.you get over it.you'll work through it. His hand on her cheek, his need to apologize, his want to set the past aside and start over. But she still regarded him as a predator - the anxiety in her eyes when he touched her, her excuse about a bogus page, her hasty exit. They were all testimony to that. Give it time, he told himself. She'll come around. She'll stop being so nervous, especially when she sees how good things are with Erin.
Erin. Just the sound of her name brought a smile to his lips. He glanced at his watch. Her shift had ended an hour ago. She usually made her way up to him when she was finished, knowing it was best to escape the ER vortex, rather than risk being sucked back in by milling about the halls. He threw the files he'd been shifting about into his valise and rose to put on his coat. He made his way down to the ER and began looking for her. She was nowhere to be found. He saw John Carter at the admit desk. "Hey, Carter," he called out. "Where's Mini-Me?"
John's brow knitted together. "She left over three hours ago. Said she wasn't feeling well."
Impossible, he said to himself. Aloud: "How could she leave if she didn't take my car?"
"She said something about taking the El."
Robert turned brusquely on his heel and stalked towards the exit.
"You didn't know she was leaving?" Carter called after him.
Robert ignored him. Mind your own business, you nosy little prick, he thought to himself.
He drove home with a mild sense of alarm in his stomach. Something had to be wrong. Erin wouldn't just take off without a word, especially if she were feeling ill. He pulled into the driveway and hurried into the house. He wasn't even sure at first whether she was there or not. No lights were on; he could not hear the television or the stereo. He went upstairs to see if she had gone to lie down, but the bed was empty. He felt the first gnawing of panic when he walked into the living room.
She was sitting on the couch, knees pulled up under her chin, still dressed in his scrubs. She had lit the fireplace and was staring into the dancing flames, which provided the room its only illumination. Robert started to breathe a sigh of relief, preparing some bluster about her disappearing act, then noticed her expression. One of utter sadness. "Hey, gorgeous," he said softly. She didn't look up. He crossed the room and dropped to his knees in front of her. "Erin?" She still didn't move; she was barely breathing. He reached up to touch her face, much in the way he had reached for Elizabeth. She started violently, and his stomach twisted. "Erin, what the hell is the matter?"
Her green eyes finally met his. "I saw something today."
"Something at work?" She nodded, and he wracked his brain, listing as much of the trauma that had come in as he could, trying to guess what it may have been. Burn victims, crush injuries - nothing she hadn't dealt with a hundred times before. "What?"
"You. And Elizabeth."
Again, his mind raced to catalog the times he'd shared space with Corday. The trauma room, the OR. "The lounge," he said out loud. Something flickered in her eyes. "Erin, let me explain."
"I don't want you to explain." Her voice, quiet, cutting the air like a razor. She shook her head sadly. "I just want you to listen. I've been sitting here for hours, trying to figure out why I'm so upset. Trying to figure out what bothers me so much. And I think I finally did." She leveled him with her gaze. "I cannot stand the fact that you can look at another woman like that. I'm jealous, pure and simple. I wish I could be a bigger person, that I could rise above it, but I can't. "
"You don't have anything to be jealous about," he insisted.
"You say that now, but what about tomorrow? What about the day after that?" She hugged her arms over her chest. "Robert, I have to have something in my life that isn't a struggle. I deserve to have one thing that I can be sure of. And the only thing that I know for sure right now is that I cannot handle walking around another corner and coming face to face with what I saw today. Can I be sure that it won't ever happen again? I don't know. And frankly, I don't think you know either."
"Would you please just let me explain what you saw? You think you know what was going on, some stolen moment, some secret exchange, but it wasn't like that at all. We had a case go bad today."
"I know all about the nec-fac, Robert. I know he lost his leg. And I know that hits home for you. I also know that I was a phone call and an elevator ride away. You know, I think that's what hurt most. I was there on that roof, in the OR waiting area, in your hospital room. I am there for your therapy, I'm there for your struggle to keep your job, and I'm there to hold you and make love to you when you're discouraged. Yet tonight, when you really needed someone, it wasn't me you reached for. I hate it! I know I shouldn't, I know you deserve all the support you can get. But I just.I hate that you could be that way with somebody else. It's selfish, and greedy, and jealous, and it's how I feel." Tears were starting to well up in her eyes, and she rose to her feet. Robert groped for her desperately, but she stepped beyond his reach.
"Where are you going?"
"I have to get out of here." She moved towards the door, but he cut her off, restraining her body with all his strength.
"No. You can't leave. Stay. Stay and talk to me."
She shook her head. "Not now." She tried to move past him, but he caught her neck with his arm and crushed his mouth down on hers. She resisted at first, but he refused to let go. After a moment, she melted against him, moving her lips against his as if trying to release all the pent up frustration she felt. Robert felt a surge of hope in his chest as her arms encircled him. They stood locked in each other's embrace, kissing passionately for what seemed a small eternity. But when their bruised lips finally parted, Erin still wriggled out of his grasp.
He let her go with a choked sob, realizing she'd been kissing him goodbye.
He stood immobile for a moment after the door clicked shut behind her. There was a crystal vase on the table near his hand. He grabbed it and flung it at the wall with a primal roar. It smashed into smithereens.
Goddamn you, Lizzie, he thought to himself. Why couldn't you just stay away?