I guess it all started about two weeks ago or at least that's when things were beginning to get out of my control.
Thinking about it now I guess I can say I should have seen it coming. It had to end this way and I knew it all along but I never did anything to take my life in my own hands. Instead I let myself drift in the stream of destiny. I never really made much of an afford to change my course or to change who I was becoming. I just didn't care and kept relying on my luck. Everything would turn out to be okay in the end. That's what I believed or more exactly what I wanted to believe.
It was foolish of me, I know, to rely on some unseen, higher power to help me make the right decisions and to keep me from falling. I'm not even religious for crying out loud! Who did I think would watch over me? Some kind of Guardian Angel? I guess I didn't give it much of a second thought. It's just as I said, I let myself drift.
It's not that I was too carefree. No, certainly not. I was never a careless person. Even when I was just a little kid I always thought about the consequences of my actions. Some might have thought me to be very mature for my age but I'm afraid I have to admit that I wasn't any better than any other kid my age. Sure, I was well aware of my actions and their consequences and the world around me but that didn't make me any more grown up than the others. I was lacking something essential and I guess I still don't have it. This important thing, which keeps me from growing up, is nothing but responsibility.
What good does it do you to see what's coming if you don't act on your knowledge? I'm nothing but a coward after all. I was always looking for people I could hide myself behind. Even today I'm still using other people to take the full blast instead of me.
But doing so didn't help to keep me from harm. It only bought me some time and made things worse. While others are growing up step by step and take a little more responsibility with each of those steps I never learned to handle my problems alone and now I have to acquire all those abilities, somebody at the age of twenty should already have, at once.
Well, this is not the point at the moment. It only adds to the problems I have at hand.
Like I said it began about two weeks ago. I'm studying musicology at the University of Tokyo at the moment [a.n: Let's just pretend that it is really possible because I have no idea if it is] and I'm not doing well. Why's that you may ask now.
I guess it has a lot to do with my missing ability of being able to take my life in my own hands. Many people told me that I'm talented which, if I may add, I'm not so fond of. But I like music and since I lack any other talent I thought it's as good as anything else to study and if everything else fails I can still become a teacher. After all it's not as if a lot of talent or knowledge are needed for that.
Anyway, even talent sometimes isn't enough if you don't care about anything and studying in particular. So, in simple words, they are going to kick me out if I fail my next test.
Normally I wouldn't care and just lay my life in fate's hands but this time it is serious. It would be the first time I have to admit ultimate failure. Until now I could always slip through the last moment and got away with it. It wasn't a problem until now. But this time it's different. I chose the easiest way possible and did everything to avoid troubles and if I fail now everybody is going to see the real useless me.
I'm already alone but that's okay. Having other people around me all the time is more an annoyance than a gift. I'm used to it anyway. My father, who I still life with, is hardly ever at home due to his work and as for the other Digidestined, I have only seen some of them occasionally since I broke up with Sora four years ago.
Most of the time it's Hikari I run into since we seem to have a liking for the same places. Unlike me she has changed a lot during all those years. She seems so serious and mature now most of the time. For a while I feared she would end as an outsider and loner like me but fortunately she also kept her carefree and outgoing side. I almost always enjoy talking to her no matter how much trouble I'm having and I guess I can say she is the only friend I have left. But even our occasional encounters can't change the fact that I have grown distant to the world around me. I'm lonelier and more withdrawn than ever before.
But now matter what I did or how I behaved people still respected me until now. I'm afraid that will end when I fail this time. What am I going to do then? I have no special interests beside music but I have to find something else if they are really going to throw me out. My future seems to crumble in my hands. Maybe it would help if I had dreams or hopes for my future life but unfortunately there is nothing. I just want to be left in peace. I don't want to have to worry about money but I have no idea how that should be possible since I can't even imagine myself working in an office or anything like that.
I was always worried about my future life but I didn't have to face my fear as long as everything went well. Now the day has come that I have to stand on my own two feet and I feel like I can't do it. I'm not used to carrying the weight on my shoulders all alone. No matter how independent I may have seemed to others I always managed to share my burdens with somebody else. But this time there is nobody to help me and I am desperate. I don't expect anybody who hasn't gone through the same thing to understand me but everything seems too much for me now.
What am I going to do?
* * *
Chapter two is done! I didn't know how to start at first but after typing the first paragraph I just kept going without thinking much about it. It just came flowing. ^__^
Only one or two more chapters to come. Maybe a little short but I never planed on anything else.
I don't know when the next chapter will be up. It depends very much on my mood and how much time I have. So, the worse I'm feeling and the more time I have the sooner you will see a new chapter.
To everybody who reviewed: Thank you! And do it again!