The Mushroom

Middle-earth's Finest News Source Since 1379 Second Age

Mary Sue Dumps Aragorn!

"Legolas is so much sexier," says pitiful fanfiction writer

In a move that many expected (and hoped for), Mary Sue dumped Aragorn son of Arathorn, who is now reunited with his once-estranged wife Arwen Undomiel. "I don't know what the hell I was thinking," said the King, who stopped nuzzling Arwen's neck just long enough to talk to our reporters. "I mean, her stories were really bad. I think she was disappointed that our relationship – what there was of it – was nothing like in her fanfics. I'm just glad I didn't – er – consummate our short-lived romance."

"He wanted to wait until the divorce was finalized, thankfully," said Arwen. "I thank the Lady that he's come to his senses."

"I've found someone who can truly satisfy me," says Mary Sue, speaking to the press for the first time since the scandal began. "And, even better, we can share hair dye."

Legolas Greenleaf confirmed the rumors that he is Mary Sue's new love interest. "I always thought she was attractive," he says.

"You want her? She's yours. Good riddance," says Aragorn.

Although Arwen welcomed her husband back with open arms, her father Elrond was not so eager to forgive. "I've made Aragorn write a poem about how badly he screwed up," he said at a press conference yesterday. "It will be engraved on walls, painted on murals, and memorized by schoolchildren until the end of time." Elrond granted The Mushroom permission to give an exclusive preview of the lay.

My name is Strider and I'm a prat.

I beg to cross the welcome mat

Of the Last Homely House, from which I left

To live with a strumpet who is bereft

Of any talent, brains or wit.

She is a stupid little twit.

Her fanfics make me want to retch

So away I go, hoping to fetch

Sweet Evenstar to our palace fair.

So I can do the laundry there

And make her many breakfasts in bed

And clean until my hands turn red.

Anything to make her see

How truly sorry I've come to be.

I thought I was a valiant man;

Through many orcs, my sword ran.

And Arwen foreswore her immortality

So she could always stay with me.

This I forgot, in a moment of lust.

I beg and beg to regain her trust.

(Oh, and a note to Legolas:

Mary Sue likes to be boss.

She'll whine if you're late coming home.

So heed my warning in this poem.)

"I'm a warrior king, not a poet, okay?" Aragorn said.

What Do You Think?

Peter Jackson

Since the release of the Lord of the Rings movies, there has been criticism (amid widespread acclaim) from those who think Peter Jackson strayed too far away from the books. So, what do you think?

"Are my eyes really that big? And I don't bite my nails either. Still, good job, Peter."

Frodo Baggins

"Both Tolkien and Jackson completely left out the fact that Boromir and I had a one-night stand in 1310."

Lobelia Sackville-Baggins

"I was not that much of a jerk, thank you very much."

Faramir son of Denethor

"I have a poster of Billy Boyd in my bedroom."

Eowyn of the Mark

"If that fool does not put me in the third film I will crunch his bones."

Shelob

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