I'm wondering, how long would it take until somebody notices that I'm gone? Would anybody mourn my death or would they even care?
They probably would. Despite all the things I have done and said they would still grieve. But knowing this doesn't really bring me any further. It only shows how little they know about me. If they saw what I am really like and how much this person differs from the image of Ishida Yamato they created in their heads to ease their worries they would think differently about me. So they wouldn't really grief over me but over a person who never really existed.
I guess it would be the wisest course of action to talk to somebody and to ask for advises. But who would be the best choice? I don't want to worry those who I trust enough to talk about such a thing as killing myself and I would never allow anybody else to see this side of my life.
Hikari would be my first choice. She is the one I spent the most time with lately and I think she would understand my feelings better than anybody else. But I'm afraid of the damage I could inflict by telling her. She is such a gentle person and I know how hard it already is for her to deal with her own problems. I could never forgive myself if I shattered her light and hope. No, she definitely doesn't need to know what I'm about to do.
I'm certainly not going to talk to any member of my family. They would only feel guilty and trying to find out what they did wrong. Even in such a situation they would still remain so egocentric, of that I am sure.
I feel sorry for Takeru. He won't understand it just like the rest of them. He was never good at understanding others people's emotions. If they are not like him he won't understand what they go through. He would be no help for me even if I really talked to him, which I'm not going to do, that's for sure.
As for the other Digidestined I have no idea who should be able to help me.
Taichi may be a good friend but this is this goes over his abilities. He is one to cheer you up but that alone won't do anymore. I need someone who can really help me through this.
Sora would help me but I'm not sure if I really want to accept her offer. Too much has happened between us and I don't want to get too close with her again. It would just make things worse before they get better and I would hurt her even more than I already did.
I guess that's it. I've never felt close enough to one of the others to ask for their help now. They have been good friends, all of them, but I never felt like I wanted to share my personal thoughts and feelings with them. They will always just be friends and I am alone with my problems.
But maybe I should see this as some kind of test. Have I become strong enough to survive on my own? Or will I go down without struggling even once?
Well, let's go over it once more:
I'm useless. I'm alone. I am a coward. I have no hopes for the future. I have no friends. I am replaceable. I have achieved nothing in my life. I'm constantly hurting people. I'm feeling numb. In one word: I'm a failure!
But I don't want to die!
No matter how much I fear the things I'll have to face in my future I'll always be more afraid of death. If I only knew what comes afterwards. I absolutely hate going into the unknown. New things have always terrified me. I guess that's the reason why I often cling so much to the past. There, all things are static. Nothing unexpected is going to happen. Everything stays the same. Just like me. Maybe I'll never change. I may develop but all in all I'll always be the same person. Useless and alone but still breathing.
*
In my heart there is a place
In my heart there is a trace
Of a small fire burning
A sheltering ray shines through this night
Although it's small, it's bright
But darkness is lurking
*
The End!
* * *
Well, it's short but I'm still proud. This wasn't easy for me because it's also very personal but I guess I like how it turned out (at least now).
Maybe I'm going to write a kind of sequel but I'll have to think about it first.
Again, thank you to everyone who reviewed!
And to those you didn't review yet (and everybody else ^__^ ):
REVIEW!!!