The Mushroom

Middle-earth's Finest News Source Since 1379 Second Age

Secrets of Shelob Revealed!

Colossal spider sends hopeful letter to Mushroom editors.

"I always knew I was different from the other mammoth spiders at a very young age," said the beast known as Shelob, in a letter received by the editors of The Mushroom yesterday. "I always felt that, deep inside of me, there was a hidden female arachnid longing to get out. Yes, editors of The Mushroom: I was born as Helob."

According to the gigantic spider, she underwent a sex-change operation shortly after her one hundredth and ninety-fifth birthday. "It was like being reborn," she wrote. "But I still had a lot of unresolved issues and anger management problems, which led to my brutal massacres of elves, men, orcs, and hobbits. It was only recently that I went to therapy and attained some closure. I write this not so you will pity me or even sympathize. I write this so that you will share my story, which I hope will inspire some other poor, suffering, conflicted, enormous transgendered spider to seek help before it's too late."

Shelob, believed until recently to be dead of a hobbit-inflicted elf-blade wound, wrote that she sought the help of a holistic healing guru while recuperating from the injury. "He helped me see that my rage towards others was really a latent loathing of myself," she says. "But now I have accepted myself and come to grips with the world. I am Shelob and I am proud."

Gandalf's E.B.I. File Exposed

New book makes previously unseen documents public

Deep in the underground tunnels of Lothlorien, there lies a hidden room. To enter, one must knock ten times and recite Elrond's childhood nickname in Sindarin. (If you snicker, access will be denied.) After passing several guards, you will be allowed into the hidden headquarters of the E.B.I.: Elvish Bureau of Investigation.

Nienna Elensar came to work at the E.B.I. three hundred years ago, equipped with little training but with an immense devotion to helping and protecting her fellow elves. "I'd seen many of my friends die in battle, and I wanted to make sure that other elves would not suffer the same fate," she says. "I thought that, working in one of Middle-earth's best investigation bureaus, I could achieve my goal."

But, as she learned more and more about the inner workings of the bureau, Nienna started to become uneasy. "There are rows and rows of underground passages, and each one is packed with file cabinets," she says. "And all this information is being kept secret from the public. I myself haven't seen most of the files. How can we protect the public by not informing them of potential dangers?"

Late one night, when everyone else had gone home, Nienna took a phial of light and crept inside the dark passages. She managed to take a few files and brought them home with her. The next day, she sent in her resignation.

"There's things in there you wouldn't believe," she says, shuddering at the thought of it all. "I plan to expose all that is in those files for the good and safekeeping of Elven-kind…and the rest of Middle-earth too, for that matter. And I'm starting with Gandalf."

According to Nienna's new book, Mithrandir, Stormcrow, Gandalf…Menace?, the wizard commonly known as Gandalf has a secret history. "The file disclosed that Gandalf has received twenty-two speeding tickets since receiving his Horse of the White Rider license…which, may I add, he failed the first time because he couldn't parallel-park. This is the sort of vital knowledge that the public needs to know in order to be safe. We're all just lucky that he hasn't trampled anyone yet."

The book also announces that Gandalf was banned from Gondor for a year as a young wizard for spray-painting "Stewards Stink" on a standard just before it was to be used in battle. It is believed that this offense was preceded by the consumption of no less than eight pints in a local inn.

"And then there's those poor trolls he turned to stone," says Nienna. "I'm not saying that I'm a supporter of trolls, but the trolls should have been brought to court for attempted cannibalism. Gandalf has a long history of taking the law into his own hands. Another example: He does not have a permit to make fireworks. I just hope that this book will spread the truth and protect the innocent people of Middle-earth from such a threat."

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