The Mushroom

Middle-earth's Finest News Source Since 1379 Second Age

Letters to the Editors

Dear Mushroom Editors,

Although I appreciated your extensive coverage of the Mary Sue issue, I was most displeased by you last article that made reference to my childhood nickname. To begin with, the E.B.I. password had to be changed after your article ran, and it was great inconvenience. Secondly, the previous password was my youthful sobriquet in Quenya, not Sindarin. Thirdly, there is nothing funny about the name Ecel puce-kens. It is a fine Elvish title meaning, "young one of much valor who shall do great things". It is not my fault that it sounds much like the nauseating Common Tongue term of endearment "Ickle Pookie-Kins".

Sincerely, Elrond Halfeleven

Dear Editors,

I was very much amused by your piece on Nienna Elensar's muckraking book on my life. I only hope that she added "corrupter of halflings", "bringer of bad news", "chewer of hangnails," and "cheater at charades" to my list of faults.

Sincerely, Gandalf the Cerise

Dear Editors of Nice Paper,

We are not sure that we should be writing a letter to you.

They don't care about what you have to say. Put down the quill and wind Mistress's yarn.

But we will try and write anyway. We liked nice article about Master's finger and our trial. Many hobbitses sends us fish.

Skinny fish. Too many bones. Nasty Shire fish.

Good fish! Very juicy-sweet, especially after bad taters.

Yes, we hates taters.

Thank you again. We likes your paper very much.

Smeagol (and Gollum)

Dear Mushroom Editors:

Although I am usually a fan of your paper and appreciated your use of my quote in the opinion section concerning Peter Jackson, I must say that I found Bill the Pony's reply to "Frustrated in Gondor" a bit tasteless. I am sure that Mr. Pony found it quite witty, but it is somewhat less amusing to someone that was nearly incinerated. I am willing to forget the matter if a prompt letter of apology is sent.

Faramir, Prince of Ithilien

Your Highness:

The letter was mailed this morning. We regret having offended you.

Sincerely, The Editors

Dear Editors:

I enjoy Bill the Pony's column, but I was wondering…how is Bill able to talk? Did he ever employ the skill during his time with the Fellowship?

Beregond of Gondor

Dear Beregond,

Well, I seem to be getting a lot of mail from Gondor lately! To answer you first question, I have some Narnian ancestry on my paternal grandmother's side. I did try a few times to communicate with the Fellowship, but they were too busy (combing their hair…cough cough LEGOLAS cough) to notice.

Thanks for the letter, Bill

Dear Mushroom,

I think that your are too mean to poor Mary Sue. The unfortunate thing has suffered greatly. And I LIKE her stories.

Mary Ashley

Mary Ashley:

We could write some scathing reply to your letter, but we're sure it would go right over your empty head. The Editors

Dear Editors:

I wasn't fond of your poll that suggested that my husband fancies lads in general and Mr. Frodo in particular. The neighbors are all laughing behind my back and I have to keep the paper from my children. To make matters worse, Stinker keeps cackling at me about it.

Rosie Cotton Gamgee

Mrs. Gamgee:

Perhaps you and Yarrow Goldworthy could start a club for harassed hobbit wives. We cannot be held responsible for the opinion of the public.

Sincerely, The Editors

P.S. "He ran to Frodo and took his left hand, awkwardly and shyly. He stroked it gently and then he blushed and turned hastily away."

NEWS

Saruman's Nose Continues to Grow Posthumously

See SOCIETY page 2C

Sharp Rise in Sales of Fat-Free Lembas

See BUSINESS page 6F

Ioreth Takes Up Elective Mutism

See NATION page 1B