The Mushroom
Middle-earth's Finest News Source Since 1379 Second Age
Nursing-Home Attendants Plagued by Defeated Dark Lord
Three quit over Flaming Eyeball
When Sauron, former Dark Lord and past and present Flaming Eyeball, was defeated by the destruction of the One Ring, it was almost a relief. "Let's face it. I'd been a Dark Lord since the First Age, and my time was coming to a close," he told our reporters. "And good help is hard to find these days. I mean, look at Saruman and Wormtongue. They just don't make miserable and ugly Servants of Dark Lords like they used to. I tell Saruman to build me an army worthy of Mordor, and what does he do? He makes those stupid Uruk-Hai. Come on, half men and half orcs? Pathetic. And the memo I sent him specifically stated that they should be half telemarketers and half circus clowns. If he'd listened to me, we would've won for sure."
Therefore, upon his vanquishing, Sauron decided to sell his assets and move into the Shady Acres Nursing Home. "The arthritic retinas were just too hard to deal with," he says, rolling his pupil. In the months following his arrival, it looked like Sauron had given up his evil ways and was ready to settle into the life of a cranky old eye.
But after the initial good start, the Shady Acres staff reports that Sauron is once again a menace. "He spread butter on the seats of the bedpans," one nurse bawled, shortly before her resignation and mental collapse. "And he's encouraged the other patients to have wheelchair races in the hallways. It's just too much to deal with."
"He won't take his medications and refuses to wear the regulation robe and slippers. In fact, he usually wears a jeweled monocle," another said.
"This is highly unorthodox behavior for a defeated Dark Lord," says Caran Hist, the psychiatrist we consulted for this article. "Usually, overthrown Dark Lords have some sort of repentance after their downfall, or else they just die. Sauron is clearly an exception."
STATshot
A look at the numbers that shape your world
Will Pippin ever get top billing over Merry?
14% Maybe now that he's the Thain.
18% No. Never. It's a lost cause. Let us have a moment of silence.
3% Why should he? Those Tooks are even odder than the Bagginses.
27% He should! At least the Tooks don't go around in boats like those queer Bucklanders.
12% It could just be because Tolkien decided to be alphabetical.
26% It comes in pints?!
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