The Mushroom
Middle-earth's Finest News Source Since 1379 Second Age
Legolas Dumps Mary Sue!
"What a weirdo," says Elf archer
In a move that all of Middle-earth hoped for (except maybe the citizens of Mordor), Legolas Greenleaf dumped Mary Sue, throwing her clothes out of their window, removing her stories from all fanfiction sites, and annihilating her computer. "Holy shit, I must have been out of my mind," says Legolas. "She's narcissistic and has this annoying habit of summarizing all her stories with, 'A girl from this world falls into Middle-earth…' et cetera. Aragorn was right. She is a stupid little twit."
"Well, that's just fine. I don't need him," says a defiant Mary Sue, whom we spoke to as she was picking up her hot-pink wardrobe from where it had landed.
Legolas is not entirely sure how he was beguiled by the presumptuous pseudo-writer's obnoxious personage, but he does have a theory. While traveling through the woods with his friend Gimli son of Gloin, he looked up to see Mary Sue running towards him with lust in her eye. "I figured death would be better than having to put up with that psychopath and her unwanted affections, so I pulled an arrow from my supply and stabbed myself through the heart with it." He pauses, disturbed by the memory. "Remind me never to buy arrows from a mostly naked winged baby again."
Ask Bill the Pony
Dear Mr. The Pony:
I am a young and comely dwarf woman who wants to get married and raise a family. However, none of the available dwarf men I know (and there are many) ever notice me. They spend all day in the mines and I hardly ever see them. The only time they notice me is when they are hungry, seeing as I work in a small restaurant where many of them go on their lunch breaks. What should I do?
A Lonely Dwarf Woman Under the Mountain
Dear Dwarf Woman,
I am sorry that you have met with such limited success. Dwarf men are not typically marriage-minded, and most tend to be a little dense when it comes to the opposite sex. In fact, they might not even realize that you are female. My advice to you is to find a nice hobbit lad to marry. A hobbit would be ideal for you because one would work closer to home then a dwarf, do some of his own cooking, and also live underground, as you are accustomed to. Oh, and if you are a tad on the hirsute side (don't be embarrassed, dear, it's nothing to be ashamed of), then I suggest you remedy that problem immediately. Best wishes.
Dear Bill,
HELP! All of my family lives in the same smial, from my parents to my most distant relatives, and I never get any privacy. I share a room with my older brother and second cousin once removed, so I don't have any place that's truly mine. And because we're all so close together, I know everyone's business, whether I want to or not. I'm at the beginning of my tweens, so I can't leave home yet. PLEASE answer this letter.
About To Go Mad in the Shire
Dear About,
I suggest that you really do go mad, as this will certainly cause not only your family but also everyone else to leave you alone. The best way to do this would be to leave home and have adventures with a wizard and at least one dwarf involved, but if this is impossible, maybe you could just learn to swim, become very concerned with the color of your lungs, or decide to start fasting.
Dear Bill the Pony,
I am a teacher in Gondor and the children in my class all memorized the King Elessar's poem. At first I was glad that they all learned it so quickly, but now the students have turned it against me. Their argument is, "If the King of Gondor and Arnor, who fought most nobly in the War of the Ring, can write stinkingly awful poetry with uneven meter, cliched rhymes, and no quatrains, then why can't we?" I really don't know what to say to them.
A Teacher in Gondor
Dear Teacher,
I'm very disappointed in your lack of backbone. If your students are permitted to use the excuse, "well, the King did it", then there will be nothing to stop them from marrying elves, adopting ridiculous aliases like "Strider" (maybe I should be "Trotter"), and painting their toenails sparkly green. I suggest you tell them that if they take on the responsibility of running two countries and still finding time for satisfying their wife's enormous sex drive, then they can write whatever their little hearts please.
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