The Mushroom

Middle-earth's Finest News Source Since 1379 Second Age

Bombadil Trial Begins

The trial of Tom Bombadil began early this morning, amid great speculation. Bombadil, who stands accused of kidnapping and torturing Peter Jackson with incessant bad poetry, has decided not to use the insanity plea, contradicting previous rumors.

The defendant is being represented by his wife Goldberry, who, it turns out, obtained a law degree while taking some time off from being a pastoral woodland demi-goddess figure. Jackson has chosen to represent himself. The presiding judge is Gandalf the Aquamarine (previously known as Gandalf the Cerise, Gandalf the White, and Gandalf the Grey). Our reporters were only able to stay for the first few minutes of the trial before they had to return to the office so that this issue could go to press. However, they did return with the following transcript.

Tom Bombadil: Hey dol! Merry dol! Ring a dong dillo!

Meriadoc Brandybuck: Did someone just say my name?

Peregrin Took: It's not all about you, Merry.

Meriadoc: I didn't say it was, Pippin.

Peregrin: Then why is your name always before mine, Merry?

Meriadoc: I don't know, Pippin.

Elrond Halfeleven: Will both of you be quiet! Names are really not that important.

Peregrin: Then why did you name a council after yourself, Elrond?

Elrond: Well, what else should I have called it, Pippin?

Meriadoc: Perhaps the Council of the Ring, Elrond.

Peregrin: The question was rhetorical, Merry.

Meriadoc: I honestly don't care, Pippin.

Peter Jackson enters the courtroom.

Legolas Greenleaf: Hey Peter, can you get me Liv Tyler's phone number?

Jackson: Sure.

Legolas: Thanks, man. What a babe.

Gandalf the Aquamarine: (bangs gavel) Court is now in session. Anyone who disrupts the trial will be thrown out.

Lobelia Sackville-Baggins: That means you, Merry and Pippin.

Gandalf: Lobelia! What did I just say?!

Peregrin and Meriadoc: Hee hee hee!

Lobelia: Shut up, you over-tall halfwits.

Gandalf: Lobelia! Do you want to go on trial for stealing Bilbo's silver spoons?

Lobelia: No.

Gandalf: Then be quiet.

Meriadoc: Hey Lobelia, I thought you were dead.

Lobelia: No, I only faked my death to escape from imbeciles such as yourself, Merry.

Peregrin: Love you too, Lobelia.

Meriadoc: She wasn't talking to you, Pippin.

Gandalf: The defense will call their first witness.

What Do You Think?

Females

Some critics of Lord of the Rings argue that it lacks an even ratio of male and female characters and is therefore unrealistic. So, what do you think?

"If the Fellowship had had some women, maybe Aragorn would have been inclined to wash his hair on occasion."

Gimli son of Gloin

"Women stay home. Cook for Wild Men."

Ghan-buri Ghan

"If they had let me fight some more I so could have kicked Mordor's ass."

Eowyn of the Mark

"I would have preferred to stay out of the quest altogether. Every morning my hairbrush is mysteriously emptied, and Celeborn has spotted a suspicious-looking little hairy creature climbing down from my window. Hmm, wonder who that could be."

Galadriel, Lady of Lothlorien

"See, that's why I write fanfiction. My sunny disposition, cute looks, and secret powers could have really helped the Fellowship."

Mary Sue

"After two more hormone shots and an operation I'll be a woman."

Ted Sandyman

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