The Mushroom
Middle-earth's Finest News Source Sine 1379 Second Age
Eowyn and Faramir Have Son, Name Him Bob
Eomer, King of Rohan, received the joyous news late last night that his sister Eowyn and her husband Faramir had given birth to their first child. At seven pounds three ounces, the little boy is quite healthy, and it was an easy delivery. However, Eomer had one problem: "You named him BOB?!"
"What the hell?" Eomer told our reporters. "This kid's parents are the Prince of Ithilien and the sister of the King of Rohan! He has history! Heritage! He should have been named Eoden, or maybe Theomir. But Bob? Bob is the name of someone's old grandpa who wears plaid pants. They're dooming him to a life of baseball games and the PTA."
"At least it's easy, phonetic, and doesn't have any of those little accents," said Eowyn when asked about the name. "I can't even count the number of times someone's pronounced my name 'Ee-o-whine'. It's really annoying."
Point-Counterpoint: Samwise Gamgee's Sexual Orientation
Will Everyone Stop Saying That My Husband Is A Homosexual?
By Rosie Cotton Gamgee
Now, I'll admit that Mr. Frodo is a bit odd. And, to tell you the truth, it really wouldn't surprise me if he turned out to be one of those types who fancies lads. But that's not my business, if you follow me. What I'm concerned about is people claiming that him and my Sam are lovers.
And I'm here to tell you that they're not. They're just very dear friends, and Sam misses Mr. Frodo very much. He goes to visit him whenever he can. I never knew the Grey Havens had such a high insect population! He comes home from every visit with large red spots on his neck. Maybe they're attracted to that cologne he wears.
In between visits, Sam gets quite lonely for him. In fact, sometimes he calls out his name in his sleep. Speaking of sleep, I have to remember to ask Sam about that odd sticky white stuff that I keep finding on the sheets. It's usually after he calls out for Mr. Frodo, too. Poor thing, he's probably so lonely that he comforts himself by eating cream pastries in bed.
I'm Sorry, Rosie, But Your Husband Is As Flaming As The Pyre of Denethor
By Bilbo Baggins
Rosie, I really hate to break it to you, but your husband is gay. How do I know, you ask? Because, when I'm trying to sit here in the Grey Havens and write my book, I keep being disrupted by the sounds of my nephew and your husband going at it in the next room.
It really is quite annoying. Just when I've been newly inspired for another poem, I get interrupted with, "Sam…yes…don't stop…yes!" And it isn't just once a day either. They have sex, wait until it's physically possible to have another go, and then start having sex again. Horny as the Stewards of Gondor.
It isn't that I don't want Frodo to be happy, I just wish they'd be more quiet. I asked Gandalf to put a Silencing Charm on their room, but he regretfully told me that that sort of thing only worked in Harry Potter slashfics, blast it. I don't really blame Frodo, though. He spent fifty years as a virgin, so he's making up for lost time.
They're really pleasant company in between their little trysts, so it's hard to stay mad at them. They've been a wonderful help with the Red Book. Oh, Rosie, you might want to look at that. In case you haven't noticed, Sam's poem "The Stone Troll" contains the word "boner".
You truly are a sweet lass, Rosie (if a bit thick), and I wish that Sam would leave you so both you and Frodo could be happier. But he doesn't want to until the last child is thirty-three. I don't approve, but then again it's really not my business. So I'll just go back to writing my…damn! They're at it again! Will you two be quiet! Honestly.
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