The Mushroom
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First Day of Bombadil Trial Concludes
The first day of Tom Bombadil's kidnapping trial is over, and prospects are looking dismal for the yellow-booted, self-styled folklore figure. Though the jury (which is composed of Legolas Greenleaf, Quickbeam the Ent, Beregond of Gondor, Eowyn of the Mark, Shagrat the Orc, Galadriel of Lothlorien, Ringwraith #6, Fredegar Bolger, Celeborn of Lothlorien, Ioreth of Gondor, Angelica Baggins, and Gloin the Dwarf) is sequestered, reporters have noted that they seem particularly unsympathetic to the defendant, who testified today. Here is the transcript.
Goldberry: The defense calls Tom Bombadil to the stand.
Bombadil (singing and walking up to the stand) These boots were made for walking, that's just what –
Gandalf: Order! Mr. Bombadil! No singing.
Bombadil: Tom will not sing.
Goldberry: No referring to yourself in third person either.
Bombadil: Tom will not –
Goldberry: Never mind. Did you kidnap Peter Jackson?
Bombadil: Yes, Tom did.
Goldberry: Why?
Bombadil: Tom was angry. First the Harvard Lampoon turns Tom into a drug addict. Then Robin McKinley says that Tom is an "embarrassing creation".
Angelica: Smart woman.
Bombadil: This gave Tom an inferiority complex.
The jury bursts into obnoxiously loud fake crying.
Fredegar: So sad!
Beregond: Tragic!
Shagrat: Garn!
Gandalf: Order in the court! If this jury can't be impartial, I'll have to dismiss it and get one that is.
Gloin: Good luck.
Gandalf: Continue, Mr. Bombadil.
Bombadil: Then, to make things worse, Tom's favorite yellow boot polish is stolen. When Tom sees "The Fellowship of the Ring", in both regular and extended editions, Tom is mad that Tom is not in it. So Tom kidnaps Peter Jackson.
Legolas: I wonder what happened to his boot polish.
Eowyn: My brother used it for hair dye.
Celeborn: Wish I had some. Look at my roots!
Galadriel: Ugh.
Legolas: I usually use Clairol Herbal Essences. Have you ever had an organic experience?
Eowyn: No.
Celeborn and Galadriel: You've never had one?!
Gandalf: Will the tall blond androgynous jury members stop talking about follicular stimulation?!
Tall Blond Androgynous Jury Members: Sorry.
Gandalf: No you're not. Goldberry, do you have any further questions?
Goldberry: No.
Gandalf: Mr. Jackson? Any cross-examination?
Peter Jackson: No, I think he just incriminated himself.
Gandalf: Court will recess until tomorrow.
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