Jack soaked in his tub for an hour. When he felt that he was devoid
of Karen's mucus, he hopped out and checked his clock. 6:00. Who went to
bed that early? He went out to take a stroll in the mountains.
The crisp autumn air felt chilly around his slightly damp cheeks, but he went on anyway. Jack strolled to the area behind the carpenter's shed, and looked at the tree near the cave.
"Climb me," said the tree. Jack jumped back and smacked his head on the wall behind him.
"Come on, you know you want to."
"You talk?" asked a bewildered Jack.
The tree gave an exasperated sigh. "No, you dumbass," it said. "If I could talk, don't you think this town would be way more popular? People would come from miles around to see the Amazing Talking Tree, and this stupid little village would be filled with department stores and strip clubs. You're just more tired than you think you are, and hallucinating."
Jack nodded. "I see," he said.
"Now climb me, bitch," said the tree. He shrugged, and climbed up it. There was a new, unexplored area up there!
"Thank you, tree!" called Jack.
"No problem, dumbass!" replied the tree. "Now, stop hallucinating and explore!"
Jack walked around a bit, and climbed a small hill. There, he saw none other than...Popuri?
"What are you doing here?" he asked, baffled.
Popuri spun around in surprise, and her face lit up. "Oh, Jacky!" she exclaimed, hugging him. "It's so nice to see you! You found my secret spot! Now you can do nude paintings of me up here, and we won't have to worry about anybody seeing us!"
Jack ignored her, and looked around at this new area. It was somewhat bare, with only a small bonsai-ish tree and a tiny building.
"What's in there?" he asked, pointing to the building. "Oh," said Popuri, "that's where some old people live. The old man's the only one that ever leaves the house anyway, and all he does is ask people to visit him. Stupid old man. The old woman has such a horrible memory that it doesn't matter if she sees you, as she wouldn't remember it for more than five minutes."
Jack frowned. "You mean she has Alzheimer's? That's horrible!"
Popuri smiled. "No it's not...she meets new people every day!"
Jack raised an eyebrow. The Pink-Haired Wonder smiled at him, and pointed to the nearby cliff.
"See that cliff?" she asked. He nodded warily. "I heard that it's beautiful to see the sunrise there."
Jack checked his watch. "It's only midnight!" he exclaimed. "The sun rises around five!"
Popuri winked. "I'm sure we could find something to do for five hours." Jack's eyes widened, and he ran over to the building. He started pounding his fists against the frail-looking door.
"Let me in! Let me in!" he cried, but to no avail.
"Silly," said Popuri, giggling, "They're sleeping." Jack body-slammed the door, and it fell in. Popuri's mouth made a little O. "You'll have to pay for that!" she said.
Jack climbed inside the little building, and put the door back in the frame behind him. He grabbed a nearby table and propped it against the broken door, successfully blocking it. When he was done, he fell against the door, exhausted.
He heard a noise behind him. "Eh? What was that?" A light brightened the dark room, and Jack was momentarily blinded. When his eyes adjusted in the new light, he looked up. An old couple was sitting on a futon in the middle of the floor. They were only covered by an old, tattered blanket.
"Eh!" said the old man. "A customer!" He was bald, but had a long, white beard. Jack wondered why hair didn't grow in places it was wanted. The old man stood up, and Jack saw that he was wearing a long, brown nightshirt.
"Whatcha want here? Eh, sonny? Eh?" The old woman stood up as the old man said this. She had white hair tied back in a bun, and was wearing a hot pink nightshirt that read "Baby Doll" above a picture of a busty, naked woman. He shook his head in an attempt to clear it.
"I was escaping someone," he said.
The old man nodded thoughtfully. "Eh. I see. Whatcha been escaping, eh, sonny? Eh? Tell an old man, eh?"
Jack thought of a way to put it. "I was escaping an unwanted proposition," he replied.
"Eh!" exclaimed the man. "Were they gonna castrate ya, sonny boy? Eh? Were they gonna chop yer nuts off and feed 'em to the hogs? Eh? Eh?"
Jack was more than a little startled by this. "Uh, no, actually. I was going to be raped..."
"Eh!!!" exclaimed the man, using the dreaded triple exclamation mark. "So they was gonna throw ya in jail, eh? Make ya stamp license plates while gettin' probed from behind? Take away yer innocence and ability to use toilet paper at the same time? Eh? Eh?"
Jack nearly fell backward. "No! I was gonna get raped by a woman outside!"
"Eh?" asked the old man, rather confused. "Why ya runnin' away then, sonny, eh?"
The old woman smacked her husband upside the head. "Shut up!" she said angrily. "If you say 'eh' one more time, I'll chop YOUR nuts off and feed them to the hogs, and then I'll throw you in jail to get probed from behind."
The old man shrank back fearfully. "No, honey! Not again!"
The old woman stared at him blankly. "What?" she asked.
"Eh?" asked the old man.
"Where?" she said back.
"Eh?"
"When?"
"Eh?"
"Why?"
"Eh?"
"I'm hungry," said Jack.
The conversation stopped. "I'll get you some dumplings, dear," said the old woman.
"Make three!" the old man called after her. While the two waited for their dumplings, the old man repeatedly shouted "Three!" Jack wondered about this. The old woman returned to the room with one dumpling, which she handed to Jack.
"Three!" pouted the old man.
The old woman looked puzzled. "Three what, dear?" The old man started sobbing.
The old woman shrugged and turned to Jack. "Who are you?"
"Jack," said Jack. She smiled and turned around, heading toward the kitchen. Suddenly she stopped, and she turned to Jack with a perplexed look on her face. "Who are you?" she asked again.
"Jack," replied Jack.
"Ok," said the woman, and went into the kitchen. Jack took a bite of his dumpling. After he swallowed the old woman popped her head out of the kitchen.
"Excuse me, but who are you?" Jack decided that he'd rather be raped by Popuri than face these people any longer, so he left the building without answering her.
Popuri was gone. Jack didn't want to stick around, though, just in case she came back. He walked over to the "talking" tree, and looked for a way to get down. He couldn't reach the tree.
"Hey, tree!" he called angrily. "How do I get down?"
"Still hallucinating, dumbass?" asked the tree. Jack nodded. "You gotta jump."
He looked down. The ground was a long way down. "Hell no!" he cried. "You think I'm crazy?"
"Well," said the tree, "you ARE having hallucinations about a talking tree."
"Oh," said Jack. "I guess that makes sense. But I'm not gonna jump." He checked his watch. 5:59 am. He'd be missed soon enough, and someone would take him down.
Suddenly, he was in his home, eating a rice ball. "How the hell did I get back here?" he said to himself. He felt extremely tired, much more tired than he had been a minute ago. Jack checked the calendar. It was the twelfth.
"The Harvest Festival is today!" he exclaimed. He rushed out of his house and made his way through the overgrown grass, wondering why he was talking to himself so much.
He rushed into town, and dashed to the town square. He had just made it on time. Everyone was there, stuffing their faces with the delicacies set out on the tables. Jack went over and stood next to Karen.
"Hey," she said through a mouthful of corn. "'Sup?" She sprayed bits of her food onto his face.
"Nothin'" said Jack, wiping the kernels off. He reached for some of the chow on the table, but an invisible barrier blocked his hands. Suddenly, Elli appeared in the square. She had both hands behind her back. Jack walked over to talk to her since he couldn't get any munchies.
She smiled. "Jack, can I ask you for a favor?"
"Sure," he said, hoping there wasn't another rat in her hair.
"Will you dance with me today? I would dance with the bakery owner, but he got sick." 'Maybe it was because of that poisonous herb I put in his tea,' thought Elli.
Jack looked at Karen, who had heard the conversation. She had been giving him dance lessons for this festival, and he didn't want her to think he was ungrateful. She nodded her consent, secretly jumping for joy that she didn't have to dance with him. He kept staring at her, and it was a bit unnerving.
Jack turned back to Elli. "Sure," he said. She brightened.
"Thank you so much! Oh, I almost forgot!" she brought a cake out from behind her back, leaving the other hand there. "If there's a coin in the cake, then you're the next Festival King!" Jack found this highly unlikely, and shoved the entire thing in his mouth.
Jack sputtered. Something was blocking his throat, and he couldn't breathe. He pounded his stomach with a fist, and pointed to his throat. "Oh my Goddess!" cried somebody in the crowd. "He's choking!"
The village medicine shop owner happened to be trained in CPR, and he came up behind Jack and began to save his life. Elli watched in fear, and gobbled up the other, coinless cake she had had in her hand. The coin came flying out of Jack's mouth, landing on the ground before him.
"Jack is the new king!" shouted the anonymous person. The crowd started chanting. "Hail King Jack! Long live the king!"
"Let me rephrase that," said the anonymous person. "Jack is the new Festival King."
"Oh," said the crowd simultaneously. They sounded slightly disappointed.
"Let the dancing begin!" said the Mayor, a short man with a large red nose that rivaled Rudolph's. Elli grabbed Jack and started to dance. She was actually quite light on her feet, even with twenty pounds of hair on her head. The square was soon full of dancing couples, and they danced late into the night. Jack collapsed on his bed as soon as he got home, too tired to even think.
The crisp autumn air felt chilly around his slightly damp cheeks, but he went on anyway. Jack strolled to the area behind the carpenter's shed, and looked at the tree near the cave.
"Climb me," said the tree. Jack jumped back and smacked his head on the wall behind him.
"Come on, you know you want to."
"You talk?" asked a bewildered Jack.
The tree gave an exasperated sigh. "No, you dumbass," it said. "If I could talk, don't you think this town would be way more popular? People would come from miles around to see the Amazing Talking Tree, and this stupid little village would be filled with department stores and strip clubs. You're just more tired than you think you are, and hallucinating."
Jack nodded. "I see," he said.
"Now climb me, bitch," said the tree. He shrugged, and climbed up it. There was a new, unexplored area up there!
"Thank you, tree!" called Jack.
"No problem, dumbass!" replied the tree. "Now, stop hallucinating and explore!"
Jack walked around a bit, and climbed a small hill. There, he saw none other than...Popuri?
"What are you doing here?" he asked, baffled.
Popuri spun around in surprise, and her face lit up. "Oh, Jacky!" she exclaimed, hugging him. "It's so nice to see you! You found my secret spot! Now you can do nude paintings of me up here, and we won't have to worry about anybody seeing us!"
Jack ignored her, and looked around at this new area. It was somewhat bare, with only a small bonsai-ish tree and a tiny building.
"What's in there?" he asked, pointing to the building. "Oh," said Popuri, "that's where some old people live. The old man's the only one that ever leaves the house anyway, and all he does is ask people to visit him. Stupid old man. The old woman has such a horrible memory that it doesn't matter if she sees you, as she wouldn't remember it for more than five minutes."
Jack frowned. "You mean she has Alzheimer's? That's horrible!"
Popuri smiled. "No it's not...she meets new people every day!"
Jack raised an eyebrow. The Pink-Haired Wonder smiled at him, and pointed to the nearby cliff.
"See that cliff?" she asked. He nodded warily. "I heard that it's beautiful to see the sunrise there."
Jack checked his watch. "It's only midnight!" he exclaimed. "The sun rises around five!"
Popuri winked. "I'm sure we could find something to do for five hours." Jack's eyes widened, and he ran over to the building. He started pounding his fists against the frail-looking door.
"Let me in! Let me in!" he cried, but to no avail.
"Silly," said Popuri, giggling, "They're sleeping." Jack body-slammed the door, and it fell in. Popuri's mouth made a little O. "You'll have to pay for that!" she said.
Jack climbed inside the little building, and put the door back in the frame behind him. He grabbed a nearby table and propped it against the broken door, successfully blocking it. When he was done, he fell against the door, exhausted.
He heard a noise behind him. "Eh? What was that?" A light brightened the dark room, and Jack was momentarily blinded. When his eyes adjusted in the new light, he looked up. An old couple was sitting on a futon in the middle of the floor. They were only covered by an old, tattered blanket.
"Eh!" said the old man. "A customer!" He was bald, but had a long, white beard. Jack wondered why hair didn't grow in places it was wanted. The old man stood up, and Jack saw that he was wearing a long, brown nightshirt.
"Whatcha want here? Eh, sonny? Eh?" The old woman stood up as the old man said this. She had white hair tied back in a bun, and was wearing a hot pink nightshirt that read "Baby Doll" above a picture of a busty, naked woman. He shook his head in an attempt to clear it.
"I was escaping someone," he said.
The old man nodded thoughtfully. "Eh. I see. Whatcha been escaping, eh, sonny? Eh? Tell an old man, eh?"
Jack thought of a way to put it. "I was escaping an unwanted proposition," he replied.
"Eh!" exclaimed the man. "Were they gonna castrate ya, sonny boy? Eh? Were they gonna chop yer nuts off and feed 'em to the hogs? Eh? Eh?"
Jack was more than a little startled by this. "Uh, no, actually. I was going to be raped..."
"Eh!!!" exclaimed the man, using the dreaded triple exclamation mark. "So they was gonna throw ya in jail, eh? Make ya stamp license plates while gettin' probed from behind? Take away yer innocence and ability to use toilet paper at the same time? Eh? Eh?"
Jack nearly fell backward. "No! I was gonna get raped by a woman outside!"
"Eh?" asked the old man, rather confused. "Why ya runnin' away then, sonny, eh?"
The old woman smacked her husband upside the head. "Shut up!" she said angrily. "If you say 'eh' one more time, I'll chop YOUR nuts off and feed them to the hogs, and then I'll throw you in jail to get probed from behind."
The old man shrank back fearfully. "No, honey! Not again!"
The old woman stared at him blankly. "What?" she asked.
"Eh?" asked the old man.
"Where?" she said back.
"Eh?"
"When?"
"Eh?"
"Why?"
"Eh?"
"I'm hungry," said Jack.
The conversation stopped. "I'll get you some dumplings, dear," said the old woman.
"Make three!" the old man called after her. While the two waited for their dumplings, the old man repeatedly shouted "Three!" Jack wondered about this. The old woman returned to the room with one dumpling, which she handed to Jack.
"Three!" pouted the old man.
The old woman looked puzzled. "Three what, dear?" The old man started sobbing.
The old woman shrugged and turned to Jack. "Who are you?"
"Jack," said Jack. She smiled and turned around, heading toward the kitchen. Suddenly she stopped, and she turned to Jack with a perplexed look on her face. "Who are you?" she asked again.
"Jack," replied Jack.
"Ok," said the woman, and went into the kitchen. Jack took a bite of his dumpling. After he swallowed the old woman popped her head out of the kitchen.
"Excuse me, but who are you?" Jack decided that he'd rather be raped by Popuri than face these people any longer, so he left the building without answering her.
Popuri was gone. Jack didn't want to stick around, though, just in case she came back. He walked over to the "talking" tree, and looked for a way to get down. He couldn't reach the tree.
"Hey, tree!" he called angrily. "How do I get down?"
"Still hallucinating, dumbass?" asked the tree. Jack nodded. "You gotta jump."
He looked down. The ground was a long way down. "Hell no!" he cried. "You think I'm crazy?"
"Well," said the tree, "you ARE having hallucinations about a talking tree."
"Oh," said Jack. "I guess that makes sense. But I'm not gonna jump." He checked his watch. 5:59 am. He'd be missed soon enough, and someone would take him down.
Suddenly, he was in his home, eating a rice ball. "How the hell did I get back here?" he said to himself. He felt extremely tired, much more tired than he had been a minute ago. Jack checked the calendar. It was the twelfth.
"The Harvest Festival is today!" he exclaimed. He rushed out of his house and made his way through the overgrown grass, wondering why he was talking to himself so much.
He rushed into town, and dashed to the town square. He had just made it on time. Everyone was there, stuffing their faces with the delicacies set out on the tables. Jack went over and stood next to Karen.
"Hey," she said through a mouthful of corn. "'Sup?" She sprayed bits of her food onto his face.
"Nothin'" said Jack, wiping the kernels off. He reached for some of the chow on the table, but an invisible barrier blocked his hands. Suddenly, Elli appeared in the square. She had both hands behind her back. Jack walked over to talk to her since he couldn't get any munchies.
She smiled. "Jack, can I ask you for a favor?"
"Sure," he said, hoping there wasn't another rat in her hair.
"Will you dance with me today? I would dance with the bakery owner, but he got sick." 'Maybe it was because of that poisonous herb I put in his tea,' thought Elli.
Jack looked at Karen, who had heard the conversation. She had been giving him dance lessons for this festival, and he didn't want her to think he was ungrateful. She nodded her consent, secretly jumping for joy that she didn't have to dance with him. He kept staring at her, and it was a bit unnerving.
Jack turned back to Elli. "Sure," he said. She brightened.
"Thank you so much! Oh, I almost forgot!" she brought a cake out from behind her back, leaving the other hand there. "If there's a coin in the cake, then you're the next Festival King!" Jack found this highly unlikely, and shoved the entire thing in his mouth.
Jack sputtered. Something was blocking his throat, and he couldn't breathe. He pounded his stomach with a fist, and pointed to his throat. "Oh my Goddess!" cried somebody in the crowd. "He's choking!"
The village medicine shop owner happened to be trained in CPR, and he came up behind Jack and began to save his life. Elli watched in fear, and gobbled up the other, coinless cake she had had in her hand. The coin came flying out of Jack's mouth, landing on the ground before him.
"Jack is the new king!" shouted the anonymous person. The crowd started chanting. "Hail King Jack! Long live the king!"
"Let me rephrase that," said the anonymous person. "Jack is the new Festival King."
"Oh," said the crowd simultaneously. They sounded slightly disappointed.
"Let the dancing begin!" said the Mayor, a short man with a large red nose that rivaled Rudolph's. Elli grabbed Jack and started to dance. She was actually quite light on her feet, even with twenty pounds of hair on her head. The square was soon full of dancing couples, and they danced late into the night. Jack collapsed on his bed as soon as he got home, too tired to even think.