Karen felt a rustle beside her in her bed. "Karen, Karen," called a
voice softly.
She opened one eye, and looked blindly into the dark. "Whuzzat?" she asked, a little pissed at being woken up in the middle of the night. She felt hands moving along her body.
"Karen, I love you!" said the voice.
Karen's other eye popped open. "Kai?" she asked incredulously.
"Yes!" replied the voice. "I've always loved you!"
Karen felt her eyes watering with joy. "Oh, Kai!" she exclaimed. She ran her hands through the man's dark hair, kissing him deeply. How she had loved those brown eyes, that tan skin. It was now all hers! She tugged gently at his hair. The soft mass came off in her hands. It was a wig! Karen's eyes adjusted to the darkness, and she looked at the man in front of her. He was extremely pale, with curly black hair that stood out against his skin color. He seemed to be wearing makeup, as his full lips were an unnatural red.
"AHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Karen. "Who the hell are you?"
The man laughed, and stood up on her bed. He was wearing a skimpy little outfit made of leather. "Why," he replied, "I'm just a sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania!"
Karen raised an eyebrow. "No, no; I want your name."
"Oh," said the man, sounding slightly disappointed. "I'm Dr. Frank N Furter."
Karen's rage rose. "Well, you're sure as hell not Kai!"
Dr. Frank N Furter lay back onto Karen, kissing her. "Yes," he said, "but isn't it nice?"
Karen pushed him away violently. "No! It's not! Get the fuck out of my bedroom!"
The sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania dashed out of Karen's room, shouting, "Rocky, Rocky! Where are you?"
The next morning, Karen ran to find Jack. He was strong for an artist, and he could keep her safe from Dr. Frank N Furter. That idiot thought she liked him, and she knew he'd protect her. He'd also do it for free. Karen grinned as she ran onto his farm. Then, she figured that a grin wouldn't make her look like much of a damsel in distress, so she made herself cry for a scared effect.
"Jack! Oh, Jack!" Jack opened his arms as she ran up to him, and she sobbed on his shoulder.
'Sucker,' she thought. 'He's buying it. I'm really happy he's not a real farmer, or he'd be too stinky to hug and he'd have really bad BO.'
"What's wrong, Karen?" asked the Sucker-erm, Jack.
"I'm being stalked by a sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania!"
Jack's mouth widened in surprise. "Really?" he asked. "How do you know that?"
"He told me last night."
Jack gasped. "Last...last night?" he asked somewhat nervously.
Karen smacked him. "You idiot," she said, exasperated, "we didn't do anything. He came in my room and tried to get in my pants, but I made him leave."
Jack let out a relieved breath. "Do you want me to protect you, Karen?" he asked.
Karen smiled, looking as grateful as she could. "Would you do that for me?" she asked, adding moistness to her eyes.
Jack hugged her tightly. "Of course I would," he said.
'He's so sweet,' thought Karen. 'It almost makes me feel bad.' She mentally shrugged. 'Ah well.'
The embrace ended. "You'll have to stay in my house," said Karen. "You don't mind leaving here, do you?"
Jack looked around at his sorry excuse for a farm. "Not at all," he replied. The two walked back to Karen's house, avoiding the remnant of a truck in the overgrown weeds of Jack's yard.
***
"Did I ask for a decaf latte with whipped cream and mocha sprinkles?" demanded Karen. "NO! I asked for a decaf latte with whipped cream and CHOCOLATE sprinkles! What's your PROBLEM?"
Jack threw the coffee on the floor, sick of her. He had been her bodyguard for over three hours, and all she really wanted was a servant to lick her boots! "I'm SICK of this, Karen!" he yelled. "You're just a spoiled brat!"
Karen's face turned red with fury. "I am NOT a spoiled brat!" she retorted. "I'm just practicing for when I'm a famous dancer! I NEED to be like this!"
Jack smacked her. "What's your problem?" he screamed. "You shouldn't be such a bitch!"
Karen gasped in indignation. "Me? A bitch? You're just a lazy bastard with Alzheimer's!"
Jack snarled. "Ok, bitch!" he challenged. "Bring it!" With that, the two leapt at each other and started beating the crap out of one another, biting, scratching, and tearing out hair. Suddenly-
Authoress: AHHHHH! Who are you?! What do you want with me?
Voice: It's me! Paul! I need to tell you...Farmer Jen, I love you!
Authoress: Uh, you know, I find that really disturbing.
"Paul": Why? I know you wanted to take me to Homecoming...I know you want me! Let's make love!
Authoress: "Make love"? Um, you only see me on the bus...why the sudden raging of hormones?
"Paul": Why do you care? Look at me! Aren't I wonderfully hot? Let's go at it!
Authoress: *looks closer* Hey! You're not Paul!
"Paul": Yes, but isn't it nice?
Authoress: *gasp* Dr. Frank N Furter!
Dr. Frank N Furter: Yes! It is I, the sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania!
Authoress: Damn! I wanted Paul...What are you doing here?
Dr. Frank N Furter: I am here to t-t-t-t-t-t-touch you!
Authoress: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Strange Voice: Mwa ha ha ha ha ha! Now that Authoress is being sexually assaulted by Dr. Frank N Furter, I can take over the story and make it into some trashy romance thing! MWA HA HA HA HA HA!
Suddenly, Karen and Jack stopped fighting. "Oh, Jack," said Karen softly, brushing a stray lock of hair back from his bruised face, "I'm so sorry. I've seen the error of my ways."
Jack looked into her jade orbs, and tenderly brushed his lips against hers. "My darling," he murmured, his lips moving gently against her skin, "I love you. We must stop fighting, as it can only make us unhappy. Let us love one another now."
"But, Jack," Karen protested. Tears of deep regret formed in her eyes. "I am to be a famous dancer, and you're just a bodyguard."
Jack embraced her tightly, and she wept on his muscular shoulder. "I know, I know," he replied, gingerly wiping away her tears. "Let us make love now, and forget all of our sorrows."
Karen gazed into Jack's eyes. "I love you," she whispered. Jack's hands ran along her arms, slowly drawing off her shirt-
Authoress: *punches the owner of the strange voice* Yes! I finally got rid of that freaky transvestite from transsexual Transylvania! Just in time, too, as it looks like the rating was about to change. Let's see...not too much damage...OH NO! Jack and Karen are in love! *takes out the Big Book of Rules for Authors and flips to the section called What to do When Evil Romance Novelists Use Sweet Transvestites from Transsexual Transylvania to Distract You While They Sabotage Your Fic* I can't undo that! They're just going to have to be in love! Damn. Ah well, back to the story.
Karen slapped him across the face. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" she asked, pulling her shirt back on.
Jack looked a little hurt. "You heard the author," he said. "We're in love!"
So?" asked Karen. "Just because we're in love doesn't mean you get to get in my pants!"
Jack pouted. "Awww," he said. "Why not?"
Karen shook her head. "Just stop trying," she said. Suddenly, Karen's mother rushed up into her room.
"Guess what!" she cried. "Karen, you just won a free trip to Hollywood to star in a movie!"
"Really?" squeaked an excited Karen. "OH MY GODDESS!!!!!!!" The window in Karen's room broke from the extreme loudness or the scream. "When do I go?"
"Right now!" replied her mother. Karen grabbed a nearby suitcase labeled 'For use in case of sudden Superstardom' and dashed off to the beach. Jack ran off after her.
"Karen!" he cried. "Wait for me!"
They got to the beach just as the sun was setting. Karen was about to get on the boat that had conveniently appeared when she needed it, but she turned around for one last look at Flowerbud Village before she got on. Much to her surprise, she saw Jack, and suddenly remembered that she was in love with him.
"Jack!" she cried. She ran down to hug him. She seemed to be oblivious to the fact that Jack was gasping like a beached fish, and that her squeezing didn't help much. He sucked in deep breaths, trying to regain his composure.
Karen saw his body shaking, and figured he was crying in grief at her departure. "Here, Jack!" she said. "I'll sing you a song!" She thought of something to sing to him, and thought of a part of a song she knew.
"Well, I hope...life...treats you right. And I hope...you get what you...dream oooooOooOoof. And I wish-a you joy! And happine-e-ess. But above all this, I wish yooooou looooOoooOove!"
Jack knew what was coming. He was extremely scared. Karen could dance beautifully, and he loved watching her do that. Unfortunately, she couldn't sing to save her life. He wanted to shout, "No, Karen! No! For the love of the Goddess, NO!!!"
He tried to say it. He tried his hardest, but all that came out was "Karen..."
"AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU! I WILL ALWAAAYS LOVE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!"
Jack passed out, and fell into a coma. His last thought before he lost consciousness was that most of the nearby fish in the sea would be dead after that.
She opened one eye, and looked blindly into the dark. "Whuzzat?" she asked, a little pissed at being woken up in the middle of the night. She felt hands moving along her body.
"Karen, I love you!" said the voice.
Karen's other eye popped open. "Kai?" she asked incredulously.
"Yes!" replied the voice. "I've always loved you!"
Karen felt her eyes watering with joy. "Oh, Kai!" she exclaimed. She ran her hands through the man's dark hair, kissing him deeply. How she had loved those brown eyes, that tan skin. It was now all hers! She tugged gently at his hair. The soft mass came off in her hands. It was a wig! Karen's eyes adjusted to the darkness, and she looked at the man in front of her. He was extremely pale, with curly black hair that stood out against his skin color. He seemed to be wearing makeup, as his full lips were an unnatural red.
"AHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Karen. "Who the hell are you?"
The man laughed, and stood up on her bed. He was wearing a skimpy little outfit made of leather. "Why," he replied, "I'm just a sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania!"
Karen raised an eyebrow. "No, no; I want your name."
"Oh," said the man, sounding slightly disappointed. "I'm Dr. Frank N Furter."
Karen's rage rose. "Well, you're sure as hell not Kai!"
Dr. Frank N Furter lay back onto Karen, kissing her. "Yes," he said, "but isn't it nice?"
Karen pushed him away violently. "No! It's not! Get the fuck out of my bedroom!"
The sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania dashed out of Karen's room, shouting, "Rocky, Rocky! Where are you?"
The next morning, Karen ran to find Jack. He was strong for an artist, and he could keep her safe from Dr. Frank N Furter. That idiot thought she liked him, and she knew he'd protect her. He'd also do it for free. Karen grinned as she ran onto his farm. Then, she figured that a grin wouldn't make her look like much of a damsel in distress, so she made herself cry for a scared effect.
"Jack! Oh, Jack!" Jack opened his arms as she ran up to him, and she sobbed on his shoulder.
'Sucker,' she thought. 'He's buying it. I'm really happy he's not a real farmer, or he'd be too stinky to hug and he'd have really bad BO.'
"What's wrong, Karen?" asked the Sucker-erm, Jack.
"I'm being stalked by a sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania!"
Jack's mouth widened in surprise. "Really?" he asked. "How do you know that?"
"He told me last night."
Jack gasped. "Last...last night?" he asked somewhat nervously.
Karen smacked him. "You idiot," she said, exasperated, "we didn't do anything. He came in my room and tried to get in my pants, but I made him leave."
Jack let out a relieved breath. "Do you want me to protect you, Karen?" he asked.
Karen smiled, looking as grateful as she could. "Would you do that for me?" she asked, adding moistness to her eyes.
Jack hugged her tightly. "Of course I would," he said.
'He's so sweet,' thought Karen. 'It almost makes me feel bad.' She mentally shrugged. 'Ah well.'
The embrace ended. "You'll have to stay in my house," said Karen. "You don't mind leaving here, do you?"
Jack looked around at his sorry excuse for a farm. "Not at all," he replied. The two walked back to Karen's house, avoiding the remnant of a truck in the overgrown weeds of Jack's yard.
***
"Did I ask for a decaf latte with whipped cream and mocha sprinkles?" demanded Karen. "NO! I asked for a decaf latte with whipped cream and CHOCOLATE sprinkles! What's your PROBLEM?"
Jack threw the coffee on the floor, sick of her. He had been her bodyguard for over three hours, and all she really wanted was a servant to lick her boots! "I'm SICK of this, Karen!" he yelled. "You're just a spoiled brat!"
Karen's face turned red with fury. "I am NOT a spoiled brat!" she retorted. "I'm just practicing for when I'm a famous dancer! I NEED to be like this!"
Jack smacked her. "What's your problem?" he screamed. "You shouldn't be such a bitch!"
Karen gasped in indignation. "Me? A bitch? You're just a lazy bastard with Alzheimer's!"
Jack snarled. "Ok, bitch!" he challenged. "Bring it!" With that, the two leapt at each other and started beating the crap out of one another, biting, scratching, and tearing out hair. Suddenly-
Authoress: AHHHHH! Who are you?! What do you want with me?
Voice: It's me! Paul! I need to tell you...Farmer Jen, I love you!
Authoress: Uh, you know, I find that really disturbing.
"Paul": Why? I know you wanted to take me to Homecoming...I know you want me! Let's make love!
Authoress: "Make love"? Um, you only see me on the bus...why the sudden raging of hormones?
"Paul": Why do you care? Look at me! Aren't I wonderfully hot? Let's go at it!
Authoress: *looks closer* Hey! You're not Paul!
"Paul": Yes, but isn't it nice?
Authoress: *gasp* Dr. Frank N Furter!
Dr. Frank N Furter: Yes! It is I, the sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania!
Authoress: Damn! I wanted Paul...What are you doing here?
Dr. Frank N Furter: I am here to t-t-t-t-t-t-touch you!
Authoress: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Strange Voice: Mwa ha ha ha ha ha! Now that Authoress is being sexually assaulted by Dr. Frank N Furter, I can take over the story and make it into some trashy romance thing! MWA HA HA HA HA HA!
Suddenly, Karen and Jack stopped fighting. "Oh, Jack," said Karen softly, brushing a stray lock of hair back from his bruised face, "I'm so sorry. I've seen the error of my ways."
Jack looked into her jade orbs, and tenderly brushed his lips against hers. "My darling," he murmured, his lips moving gently against her skin, "I love you. We must stop fighting, as it can only make us unhappy. Let us love one another now."
"But, Jack," Karen protested. Tears of deep regret formed in her eyes. "I am to be a famous dancer, and you're just a bodyguard."
Jack embraced her tightly, and she wept on his muscular shoulder. "I know, I know," he replied, gingerly wiping away her tears. "Let us make love now, and forget all of our sorrows."
Karen gazed into Jack's eyes. "I love you," she whispered. Jack's hands ran along her arms, slowly drawing off her shirt-
Authoress: *punches the owner of the strange voice* Yes! I finally got rid of that freaky transvestite from transsexual Transylvania! Just in time, too, as it looks like the rating was about to change. Let's see...not too much damage...OH NO! Jack and Karen are in love! *takes out the Big Book of Rules for Authors and flips to the section called What to do When Evil Romance Novelists Use Sweet Transvestites from Transsexual Transylvania to Distract You While They Sabotage Your Fic* I can't undo that! They're just going to have to be in love! Damn. Ah well, back to the story.
Karen slapped him across the face. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" she asked, pulling her shirt back on.
Jack looked a little hurt. "You heard the author," he said. "We're in love!"
So?" asked Karen. "Just because we're in love doesn't mean you get to get in my pants!"
Jack pouted. "Awww," he said. "Why not?"
Karen shook her head. "Just stop trying," she said. Suddenly, Karen's mother rushed up into her room.
"Guess what!" she cried. "Karen, you just won a free trip to Hollywood to star in a movie!"
"Really?" squeaked an excited Karen. "OH MY GODDESS!!!!!!!" The window in Karen's room broke from the extreme loudness or the scream. "When do I go?"
"Right now!" replied her mother. Karen grabbed a nearby suitcase labeled 'For use in case of sudden Superstardom' and dashed off to the beach. Jack ran off after her.
"Karen!" he cried. "Wait for me!"
They got to the beach just as the sun was setting. Karen was about to get on the boat that had conveniently appeared when she needed it, but she turned around for one last look at Flowerbud Village before she got on. Much to her surprise, she saw Jack, and suddenly remembered that she was in love with him.
"Jack!" she cried. She ran down to hug him. She seemed to be oblivious to the fact that Jack was gasping like a beached fish, and that her squeezing didn't help much. He sucked in deep breaths, trying to regain his composure.
Karen saw his body shaking, and figured he was crying in grief at her departure. "Here, Jack!" she said. "I'll sing you a song!" She thought of something to sing to him, and thought of a part of a song she knew.
"Well, I hope...life...treats you right. And I hope...you get what you...dream oooooOooOoof. And I wish-a you joy! And happine-e-ess. But above all this, I wish yooooou looooOoooOove!"
Jack knew what was coming. He was extremely scared. Karen could dance beautifully, and he loved watching her do that. Unfortunately, she couldn't sing to save her life. He wanted to shout, "No, Karen! No! For the love of the Goddess, NO!!!"
He tried to say it. He tried his hardest, but all that came out was "Karen..."
"AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU! I WILL ALWAAAYS LOVE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!"
Jack passed out, and fell into a coma. His last thought before he lost consciousness was that most of the nearby fish in the sea would be dead after that.