Jack awoke from his coma three months later. His eyes scanned the
ceiling above him. It wasn't his house, though that too smelled strangely
of Eau de Cow. He sat up straight and looked around. Stalls lined the wall
to his right, and a metal fodder dispenser was on his left. Stray bits of
hay were scattered on the floor. All was quiet except for the sound of
distant mooing.
Jack looked down at himself. He was wearing a skimpy purple lingerie outfit, lined with lacy black frills. He sighed. He couldn't take it off, or he'd be butt naked.
"Mooooo," said a voice directly in front of him. Startled, Jack fell backward, eyes looking at the ceiling once more.
"Moo?" inquired the voice. He looked up. Ann's blue eyes were looking at him, filled with a strange tenderness.
Jack laughed, embarrassed at being afraid of his bovine friend. "Hey there," he said, petting her nose softly. Ann licked his hand, leaving a big trail of slobber on it.
"Moo!" exclaimed Ann.
Jack wiped his moist hand on his lingerie. "Good girl," he said.
Suddenly, Gray walked into the barn. "Hey, Gray, what's up today?"
"Hey," said Gray. "I'm giving Ann hay. What's with the lingerie?"
"No sé. I'd like to throw away this negligee, but I'd be naked as a jay."
"No way!" giggled Gray. "By the way, have you seen Cabaret?"
"Nay, Gray."
"Oy vey, you must see it today! It's so nice to hear the music segue! It's the very best play!"
"Ok."
"Yay!" replied Gray. "Ann, here's your hay. I must be on my way. Don't be an etranger!" He went away.
Jack looked at Ann, who was steadily chewing her cud. He couldn't help but notice that she had very nice teats. He blushed and turned away. Karen couldn't have been gone that long, and he was already thinking about another girl. And a cow, for that matter!
"I have to go," he said to Ann. "Bye."
Jack left the area, and went back to his farm. Something seemed wrong to him. He looked around, and finally realized what it was. Love was in the air, and it wasn't just the aphrodisiacs that many girls used as perfume.
"IT'S SUMMER!!!"
Jack ran around in circles, screaming like a little girl. He must have been out for quite a while, as his most recent memories were in autumn. Suddenly, Maria, Popuri and Elli came dancing up to him. They were dressed in little black outfits with cat ears on the tops of their heads, and were kicking higher than humanly possible.
"What the hell?" Jack was extremely disturbed.
"We're the Kit Kat Klub dancers!" they said. Then Jack saw somebody he thought he'd never see again.
"Karen!" he cried.
She was in an outfit not unlike those of the girls, and sitting on a little swing being held up by a helicopter. She seemed a bit oblivious to Jack's loving cries, and looked at him somewhat hungrily.
"Mama," she said, "thinks I'm living in a convent. A secluded little convent, in the southern part of France."
Maria, Elli and Popuri giggled. "Mama," Karen continued, "doesn't even have an inkling that I'm working in a night club, in a pair of lacy pants." The girls started dancing again, and Karen started to sing. This time, though, she sounded really good.
"So please, sir, if you run into my mama, don't reveal my indiscretion, give a working girl a chance..." A chair had been lowered down from the helicopter as she sang this, and now Karen started to do a chair dance.
"Hush up, don't tell Mama, shush up, don't tell Mama, don't tell Mama whatever you do!"
A voice interrupted Karen. "Cut, cut!" it said. Karen made an aggravated sound and stomped her foot, looking up at a man in the helicopter.
"What now?" she asked.
"You have to kick with your right leg, not your left one!"
Karen pouted. "But in the choreography for Grease, I have to kick with my left one! It's SO CONFUSING!!!"
The man in the helicopter sounded really angry now. "Go tell your mummy, then!"
Karen's face reddened. "Don't tell Mama!" she screamed, and stomped off to the vineyard. Jack made to go after her, but the Kit Kat girls were in his way.
"Hey!" called the man in the helicopter. "You, guy in the lingerie! Would you be interested in being the Master of Ceremonies?" Jack looked up at him quizzically. "You'd make a great Emcee!" shouted the man. "I mean, all we have to do is put some makeup on you, and there you go!" Jack ran to his farm as fast as his legs could carry him.
Once he was inside his house, Jack slumped down on his bed, exhausted. He was happy to be safe from those strange people that wanted to cast him in Cabaret. He looked up at the ceiling. A blonde man was stuck to his roof, smiling down at him. Jack screamed. Then he noticed the swastika armband on the man. He screamed again.
"I sing pretty patriotic Nazi song, ja?" said the man on his roof.
"No!" cried Jack. "No ja!"
"Why not?" asked the man. "Tomorrow belongs to me!" He started to sing a very pretty song, but Jack didn't stick around to listen. He didn't think it was so pretty now that he knew its origin.
Jack dashed to the mountaintop. The old people would have to be sane. He ran inside the little restaurant, closing the door behind him.
"Eh!" exclaimed the old man. "Wilkommen, bienvenue, welcome!"
Jack's eyes widened. "AHHH!" he screamed. The old woman was in a Kit Kat Klub outfit, and the old man was in some lingerie and had a LOT of makeup on.
"NOOOOO!" cried Jack. The old man tossed a pineapple at his head and laughed maniacally as Jack ran away, the pineapple's spiky top clinging to his hat. He tried to go home, but tripped on a tree root at the top of the cliff. Jack fell, arms flailing crazily.
Luckily for him, he fell in the Goddess's pond. The Goddess rose from the pond, holding Jack in her arms.
"An offering?" she asked. "Not many people give-what the fuck?" Nobody was in sight. The Goddess looked down at her offering, and noticed who it was. "Oh man, not you again."
She smacked Jack across the face, leaving a big red hand mark on his face. "Wha?" Jack frowned and opened his eyes.
They widened at the sight of the bitchy Goddess. "I-uh-uh..."
The Goddess dropped him on the little bridge next to her pond. "Ok, jackass," she said. "You woke me up, so where's my present?" Jack looked around frantically. He saw the pineapple lying next to him, and since he had nothing better, he handed it over to the Goddess.
"A pineapple?" she asked incredulously. "For me?" Her eyes twinkled, and she began to sing. "If you bought me diamonds...if you bought me pearls...if you bought me flowers like some other gents might bring to other girls...it couldn't please me more than the gift I see...a pineapple for me!"
Jack was suddenly possessed by the singing demon. "If in your emotion, you begin to sway...go to get some air or grab a chair to keep from fainting dead away...it couldn't please me more than to see you cling...to the pineapple...I bring!" They went into a series of "ahh's" and started dancing. Then, the lights on the stage went out, and the audience clapped. Jack woke up.
Jack looked down at himself. He was wearing a skimpy purple lingerie outfit, lined with lacy black frills. He sighed. He couldn't take it off, or he'd be butt naked.
"Mooooo," said a voice directly in front of him. Startled, Jack fell backward, eyes looking at the ceiling once more.
"Moo?" inquired the voice. He looked up. Ann's blue eyes were looking at him, filled with a strange tenderness.
Jack laughed, embarrassed at being afraid of his bovine friend. "Hey there," he said, petting her nose softly. Ann licked his hand, leaving a big trail of slobber on it.
"Moo!" exclaimed Ann.
Jack wiped his moist hand on his lingerie. "Good girl," he said.
Suddenly, Gray walked into the barn. "Hey, Gray, what's up today?"
"Hey," said Gray. "I'm giving Ann hay. What's with the lingerie?"
"No sé. I'd like to throw away this negligee, but I'd be naked as a jay."
"No way!" giggled Gray. "By the way, have you seen Cabaret?"
"Nay, Gray."
"Oy vey, you must see it today! It's so nice to hear the music segue! It's the very best play!"
"Ok."
"Yay!" replied Gray. "Ann, here's your hay. I must be on my way. Don't be an etranger!" He went away.
Jack looked at Ann, who was steadily chewing her cud. He couldn't help but notice that she had very nice teats. He blushed and turned away. Karen couldn't have been gone that long, and he was already thinking about another girl. And a cow, for that matter!
"I have to go," he said to Ann. "Bye."
Jack left the area, and went back to his farm. Something seemed wrong to him. He looked around, and finally realized what it was. Love was in the air, and it wasn't just the aphrodisiacs that many girls used as perfume.
"IT'S SUMMER!!!"
Jack ran around in circles, screaming like a little girl. He must have been out for quite a while, as his most recent memories were in autumn. Suddenly, Maria, Popuri and Elli came dancing up to him. They were dressed in little black outfits with cat ears on the tops of their heads, and were kicking higher than humanly possible.
"What the hell?" Jack was extremely disturbed.
"We're the Kit Kat Klub dancers!" they said. Then Jack saw somebody he thought he'd never see again.
"Karen!" he cried.
She was in an outfit not unlike those of the girls, and sitting on a little swing being held up by a helicopter. She seemed a bit oblivious to Jack's loving cries, and looked at him somewhat hungrily.
"Mama," she said, "thinks I'm living in a convent. A secluded little convent, in the southern part of France."
Maria, Elli and Popuri giggled. "Mama," Karen continued, "doesn't even have an inkling that I'm working in a night club, in a pair of lacy pants." The girls started dancing again, and Karen started to sing. This time, though, she sounded really good.
"So please, sir, if you run into my mama, don't reveal my indiscretion, give a working girl a chance..." A chair had been lowered down from the helicopter as she sang this, and now Karen started to do a chair dance.
"Hush up, don't tell Mama, shush up, don't tell Mama, don't tell Mama whatever you do!"
A voice interrupted Karen. "Cut, cut!" it said. Karen made an aggravated sound and stomped her foot, looking up at a man in the helicopter.
"What now?" she asked.
"You have to kick with your right leg, not your left one!"
Karen pouted. "But in the choreography for Grease, I have to kick with my left one! It's SO CONFUSING!!!"
The man in the helicopter sounded really angry now. "Go tell your mummy, then!"
Karen's face reddened. "Don't tell Mama!" she screamed, and stomped off to the vineyard. Jack made to go after her, but the Kit Kat girls were in his way.
"Hey!" called the man in the helicopter. "You, guy in the lingerie! Would you be interested in being the Master of Ceremonies?" Jack looked up at him quizzically. "You'd make a great Emcee!" shouted the man. "I mean, all we have to do is put some makeup on you, and there you go!" Jack ran to his farm as fast as his legs could carry him.
Once he was inside his house, Jack slumped down on his bed, exhausted. He was happy to be safe from those strange people that wanted to cast him in Cabaret. He looked up at the ceiling. A blonde man was stuck to his roof, smiling down at him. Jack screamed. Then he noticed the swastika armband on the man. He screamed again.
"I sing pretty patriotic Nazi song, ja?" said the man on his roof.
"No!" cried Jack. "No ja!"
"Why not?" asked the man. "Tomorrow belongs to me!" He started to sing a very pretty song, but Jack didn't stick around to listen. He didn't think it was so pretty now that he knew its origin.
Jack dashed to the mountaintop. The old people would have to be sane. He ran inside the little restaurant, closing the door behind him.
"Eh!" exclaimed the old man. "Wilkommen, bienvenue, welcome!"
Jack's eyes widened. "AHHH!" he screamed. The old woman was in a Kit Kat Klub outfit, and the old man was in some lingerie and had a LOT of makeup on.
"NOOOOO!" cried Jack. The old man tossed a pineapple at his head and laughed maniacally as Jack ran away, the pineapple's spiky top clinging to his hat. He tried to go home, but tripped on a tree root at the top of the cliff. Jack fell, arms flailing crazily.
Luckily for him, he fell in the Goddess's pond. The Goddess rose from the pond, holding Jack in her arms.
"An offering?" she asked. "Not many people give-what the fuck?" Nobody was in sight. The Goddess looked down at her offering, and noticed who it was. "Oh man, not you again."
She smacked Jack across the face, leaving a big red hand mark on his face. "Wha?" Jack frowned and opened his eyes.
They widened at the sight of the bitchy Goddess. "I-uh-uh..."
The Goddess dropped him on the little bridge next to her pond. "Ok, jackass," she said. "You woke me up, so where's my present?" Jack looked around frantically. He saw the pineapple lying next to him, and since he had nothing better, he handed it over to the Goddess.
"A pineapple?" she asked incredulously. "For me?" Her eyes twinkled, and she began to sing. "If you bought me diamonds...if you bought me pearls...if you bought me flowers like some other gents might bring to other girls...it couldn't please me more than the gift I see...a pineapple for me!"
Jack was suddenly possessed by the singing demon. "If in your emotion, you begin to sway...go to get some air or grab a chair to keep from fainting dead away...it couldn't please me more than to see you cling...to the pineapple...I bring!" They went into a series of "ahh's" and started dancing. Then, the lights on the stage went out, and the audience clapped. Jack woke up.