Jack blinked rapidly, pushing away the strange dream he'd had of some
local Cabaret. It seemed that a lot of things happening to him had to do
with musicals and songs by Whitney Houston. It was getting very disturbing,
and he hoped it ended soon.
Jack sat up and crawled out of bed. Suddenly, he realized that he was completely naked! Where had his boxers gone? He looked around a bit, and then checked his underwear drawer. All of his underwear was gone! Even the purple briefs with neon pink triangles his mommy had sent him were missing.
Jack groaned. "Damn curse," he muttered. His grandfather had been cursed when he was young to always have missing boxers. The curse seemed to last for quite a while, as all men of the next two generations had used pillowcases for some support. Jack sighed, and began to talk to himself.
"I really don't wanna wear a pillow case," he said. "I think I should just put a towel around my waist and go up to the hot springs that shouldn't be built yet because it's only summer, but the authoress is out of ideas and needs the springs to be there for her own purposes." With that, the naked man wrapped a big fluffy towel around his waist and strolled up to the mountains.
The first person he saw there was Popuri. "Ooh!" she screamed. "Sexy farmer/artist/thing!" She started to drool. "What's under the towel, baby?" Popuri leaped at Jack and grabbed the edge of his fluffy towel.
"No!" shouted Jack, fighting to keep his towel on. Popuri got another idea, and reached under the towel before Jack could intervene. She grabbed the Thing Under The Towel, and her eyes widened in surprise. So did Jack's.
"Popuri, no!" he squeaked. "Put that down! It's not a toy!" Popuri didn't listen, but kept a firm grasp on the Thing and started to squeeze. Jack didn't dare move, as she could dig her nails in at any time. Besides, it wasn't unpleasant, but quite the opposite.
Just as Jack gave in and began to enjoy it, Popuri jumped up and removed her hand. Bob the Harvest Sprite was standing behind her, grinning roguishly.
"Nice ass," he commented. Popuri stood up.
"How dare you pinch my ass!" she shouted.
Bob shook his head, still smiling. "Farmer-man not interested in Pink- whore," he said. "Pink-whore can give Bob hand job tonight, but now Bob need Farmer-man for drinking buddy."
Popuri sighed. "Ok then," she said reluctantly. "Meet me at the beach at seven." She skipped away down the mountain.
"Thanks, Bob," said Jack. The gratitude wasn't very heartfelt. "I don't have any booze on me, though."
"It's ok, Farmer-man," replied the Harvest Sprite. He held up a six-pack of Sammy Light. "Let's go chill in springs. Jack nodded in agreement.
When the two drinking buddies got to the hot springs, there was already somebody in them. A fat, balding man somewhat resembling a monkey was swimming in circles and giggling.
"Me like cheese! Me no tease! Me say please! Me do Happy Walnut Dance!" The monkey man got out of the pond and started to shake his naked booty. He sang a little ditty to the tune of the Hungry Hungry Hippo commercial song.
"Happy Happy Wal-nut! Happy Happy Wal-nut!" With that, he collapsed and started giggling like a stereotypical anime schoolgirl. "Behold my power! I am Snork!"
Bob looked at Jack. "Farmer-man help Bob roll strange thing down hill?" Jack nodded. The two rolled the fat monkey man partway down the hill. They let him go at a point where the hill was steep enough to make the man roll down by himself.
"Snork will get revenge!" cried the man when he reached the bottom of the hill and spat out a mouthful of dirt. "Snork will molest your platypuses and masticate your seagull!" Jack and Bob ignored the man and traveled back up to the hot springs.
A pale girl with fading purple hair and a shirt reading "I Love Devon" sat on a rock near the springs, playing a guitar. She was pretty good, so Jack took a Sammy Light from Bob and popped it open, listening to the girl.
"I have no pigment," she sang. Jack put the bottle to his lips, about to take his first sip. "I need sunscreen-"
The girl's singing was interrupted by Jack's ecstatic screaming. "Sweet nectar of life!" he shouted. "BOO YAAAH!" The girl hit a wrong cord and sent the guitar flying into the hot springs.
"YE-AH!" Jack stopped shouting and looked around. "Uh, sorry," he said lamely.
"Fuck you," said the girl.
"Setsuna!" shouted Bob.
"Bob!" shouted the girl. They ran to hug each other.
"Humans no live as long as Sprites!" said Bob. "Why Pallid-slut still live? Or not be old?"
Setsuna laughed. "It's my albino powers, honey," she said. "I'll never die because I'm just so damn pale!"
Bob nodded. "This true. Pallid-slut almost make Bob go blind from giving strip-show with lights on. Bob had turn lights off for keep eyesight. Pallid-slut glow in dark."
Setsuna laughed and purred at Bob. "That's me!" she said proudly.
Jack raised an eyebrow. "You two slept together?" he asked.
"Of course!" she shouted. "Bob and I are similar! We sleep with every member of the opposite sex we can meet!"
A dark grin appeared on her face. It was really conspicuous because she was so pale. "How about you and me have a little fun?"
Jack swallowed. "Um..." he said nervously.
Bob cut in. "Farmer-man virgin," he explained.
"Oh," said Setsuna. She shrugged. "There's a first time for everything, right? Let's make out."
"I can't," said Jack, sounding very disappointed.
"Why not?"
Jack twiddled his thumbs. "I...don't know how."
Setsuna stared at him incredulously. "You mean you've never made out before?" she asked. Jack shook his head. "What are you, a male Virgin Mary? Virgin Jack!"
Jack raised an eyebrow. "How do you know my name?" he asked. "Bob never introduced us."
Setsuna laughed again. "It's my albino powers, darling," she said. "I know everyone's name."
Jack shrugged. "Ok," he said.
"Wanna see my type of guy?" Setsuna asked, turning to Bob. Without waiting for an answer, she took a photo album full of pictures of a guy with blue hair out of her bag, which rested near the rock.
"Look!" she exclaimed. "Isn't he hot?"
Bob looked at the guy. "He look like blue pom-pom attack head and stay there."
Setsuna growled. "You have no taste in guys," she said, and closed the album.
"That good thing," said Bob. "Bob like girls. No want taste in guys."
Setsuna shrugged. "Suit yourself," she said. "I'm Bi."
Jack was getting very uncomfortable, and he didn't want to see where this conversation led. "Let's get in the springs while the water's hot, guys!" he exclaimed happily.
Setsuna raised an eyebrow. "They're sulfur springs, you dildo. They're always hot. Speaking of which..." she started to reach into her bag for something. Jack's eyes widened. "Speaking of nothing!" he said, and jumped into the springs, pulling her in with him.
Setsuna's hair magically turned into a bun on top of her head, even though her hair was too short to do anything with. Bob climbed into the springs on the other side of them, sipping a Sammy Light and watching them flirt.
"Want me to rub your back?" Setsuna asked Jack seductively. He blushed.
"No thanks," he replied.
"How about your shoulders?" she tried.
"No, it's ok," Jack said.
"Your neck?"
"No."
"Your elbows?"
"No."
"Your eyes?"
"I think not."
"Your esophagus?"
"..."
"Is that a yes?"
"No."
"Your ankles?"
"No."
"Your lower calf muscles?"
"No."
"Your inner thigh?"
"No."
"Your Thing Once Under a Towel?"
Here, Jack became sorely tempted. "Um..." he said, thinking hard. He rather enjoyed Popuri's invasion of his privacy, and Bob broke it off just as Jack was about to reach that thing he could only previously reach with himself.
Two little Jacks appeared on his shoulder. One was wearing bright red lingerie with black lace, and had little red horns and a tail. The other was in white, and it wore an angel's gown, complete with halo and wings. Devil Jack laughed at Angel Jack.
"Dude!" he said. "You're wearing a dress!"
Angel Jack sighed. "It's a gown. All angels wear gowns. Besides, you're wearing lingerie."
Devil Jack ignored this, and zapped Angel Jack's hair, causing it to become curly and resemble Elvis's do.
"Look!" shouted Devil Jack. "It's Little Richard, without the makeup!" He started laughing.
Suddenly, Little Richard appeared on the shoulder next to Angel Jack. Devil Jack stopped laughing.
"Little Richard doesn't like you!" shrieked the man in that high-pitched voice of his. "Little Richard's gonna make you girly!" With that, Little Richard zapped Devil Jack. The horns and tail disappeared, and the lingerie was replaced with a pink dress with floral print.
"AHHHH!" screamed Devil Jack, and phased out, going back to wherever the little conscience people go.
"Little Richard gon teach you a lesson!" shouted the man, and chased after him into conscience land.
"I guess that means I won," said Angel Jack. Just then, a mini Ozzy Osbourne appeared, grinning evilly at Angel Jack.
"Hey!" screamed the angel. "You're not a conscience person!" Ozzy zapped him, turning him into a bat with Jack's head.
"Nooooo!" screamed Bat Jack. Ozzy cut off his screams as he bit off the head.
"Mmm," said Ozzy. "Tastes like chicken. Now, go get a hand job, Jack." Ozzy phased out.
"Ok!" said Jack to Setsuna. Bob smiled.
"Bob like porn," he said, and watched the little scene which will not be described because ff.net removed the NC-17 ratings.
Jack sat up and crawled out of bed. Suddenly, he realized that he was completely naked! Where had his boxers gone? He looked around a bit, and then checked his underwear drawer. All of his underwear was gone! Even the purple briefs with neon pink triangles his mommy had sent him were missing.
Jack groaned. "Damn curse," he muttered. His grandfather had been cursed when he was young to always have missing boxers. The curse seemed to last for quite a while, as all men of the next two generations had used pillowcases for some support. Jack sighed, and began to talk to himself.
"I really don't wanna wear a pillow case," he said. "I think I should just put a towel around my waist and go up to the hot springs that shouldn't be built yet because it's only summer, but the authoress is out of ideas and needs the springs to be there for her own purposes." With that, the naked man wrapped a big fluffy towel around his waist and strolled up to the mountains.
The first person he saw there was Popuri. "Ooh!" she screamed. "Sexy farmer/artist/thing!" She started to drool. "What's under the towel, baby?" Popuri leaped at Jack and grabbed the edge of his fluffy towel.
"No!" shouted Jack, fighting to keep his towel on. Popuri got another idea, and reached under the towel before Jack could intervene. She grabbed the Thing Under The Towel, and her eyes widened in surprise. So did Jack's.
"Popuri, no!" he squeaked. "Put that down! It's not a toy!" Popuri didn't listen, but kept a firm grasp on the Thing and started to squeeze. Jack didn't dare move, as she could dig her nails in at any time. Besides, it wasn't unpleasant, but quite the opposite.
Just as Jack gave in and began to enjoy it, Popuri jumped up and removed her hand. Bob the Harvest Sprite was standing behind her, grinning roguishly.
"Nice ass," he commented. Popuri stood up.
"How dare you pinch my ass!" she shouted.
Bob shook his head, still smiling. "Farmer-man not interested in Pink- whore," he said. "Pink-whore can give Bob hand job tonight, but now Bob need Farmer-man for drinking buddy."
Popuri sighed. "Ok then," she said reluctantly. "Meet me at the beach at seven." She skipped away down the mountain.
"Thanks, Bob," said Jack. The gratitude wasn't very heartfelt. "I don't have any booze on me, though."
"It's ok, Farmer-man," replied the Harvest Sprite. He held up a six-pack of Sammy Light. "Let's go chill in springs. Jack nodded in agreement.
When the two drinking buddies got to the hot springs, there was already somebody in them. A fat, balding man somewhat resembling a monkey was swimming in circles and giggling.
"Me like cheese! Me no tease! Me say please! Me do Happy Walnut Dance!" The monkey man got out of the pond and started to shake his naked booty. He sang a little ditty to the tune of the Hungry Hungry Hippo commercial song.
"Happy Happy Wal-nut! Happy Happy Wal-nut!" With that, he collapsed and started giggling like a stereotypical anime schoolgirl. "Behold my power! I am Snork!"
Bob looked at Jack. "Farmer-man help Bob roll strange thing down hill?" Jack nodded. The two rolled the fat monkey man partway down the hill. They let him go at a point where the hill was steep enough to make the man roll down by himself.
"Snork will get revenge!" cried the man when he reached the bottom of the hill and spat out a mouthful of dirt. "Snork will molest your platypuses and masticate your seagull!" Jack and Bob ignored the man and traveled back up to the hot springs.
A pale girl with fading purple hair and a shirt reading "I Love Devon" sat on a rock near the springs, playing a guitar. She was pretty good, so Jack took a Sammy Light from Bob and popped it open, listening to the girl.
"I have no pigment," she sang. Jack put the bottle to his lips, about to take his first sip. "I need sunscreen-"
The girl's singing was interrupted by Jack's ecstatic screaming. "Sweet nectar of life!" he shouted. "BOO YAAAH!" The girl hit a wrong cord and sent the guitar flying into the hot springs.
"YE-AH!" Jack stopped shouting and looked around. "Uh, sorry," he said lamely.
"Fuck you," said the girl.
"Setsuna!" shouted Bob.
"Bob!" shouted the girl. They ran to hug each other.
"Humans no live as long as Sprites!" said Bob. "Why Pallid-slut still live? Or not be old?"
Setsuna laughed. "It's my albino powers, honey," she said. "I'll never die because I'm just so damn pale!"
Bob nodded. "This true. Pallid-slut almost make Bob go blind from giving strip-show with lights on. Bob had turn lights off for keep eyesight. Pallid-slut glow in dark."
Setsuna laughed and purred at Bob. "That's me!" she said proudly.
Jack raised an eyebrow. "You two slept together?" he asked.
"Of course!" she shouted. "Bob and I are similar! We sleep with every member of the opposite sex we can meet!"
A dark grin appeared on her face. It was really conspicuous because she was so pale. "How about you and me have a little fun?"
Jack swallowed. "Um..." he said nervously.
Bob cut in. "Farmer-man virgin," he explained.
"Oh," said Setsuna. She shrugged. "There's a first time for everything, right? Let's make out."
"I can't," said Jack, sounding very disappointed.
"Why not?"
Jack twiddled his thumbs. "I...don't know how."
Setsuna stared at him incredulously. "You mean you've never made out before?" she asked. Jack shook his head. "What are you, a male Virgin Mary? Virgin Jack!"
Jack raised an eyebrow. "How do you know my name?" he asked. "Bob never introduced us."
Setsuna laughed again. "It's my albino powers, darling," she said. "I know everyone's name."
Jack shrugged. "Ok," he said.
"Wanna see my type of guy?" Setsuna asked, turning to Bob. Without waiting for an answer, she took a photo album full of pictures of a guy with blue hair out of her bag, which rested near the rock.
"Look!" she exclaimed. "Isn't he hot?"
Bob looked at the guy. "He look like blue pom-pom attack head and stay there."
Setsuna growled. "You have no taste in guys," she said, and closed the album.
"That good thing," said Bob. "Bob like girls. No want taste in guys."
Setsuna shrugged. "Suit yourself," she said. "I'm Bi."
Jack was getting very uncomfortable, and he didn't want to see where this conversation led. "Let's get in the springs while the water's hot, guys!" he exclaimed happily.
Setsuna raised an eyebrow. "They're sulfur springs, you dildo. They're always hot. Speaking of which..." she started to reach into her bag for something. Jack's eyes widened. "Speaking of nothing!" he said, and jumped into the springs, pulling her in with him.
Setsuna's hair magically turned into a bun on top of her head, even though her hair was too short to do anything with. Bob climbed into the springs on the other side of them, sipping a Sammy Light and watching them flirt.
"Want me to rub your back?" Setsuna asked Jack seductively. He blushed.
"No thanks," he replied.
"How about your shoulders?" she tried.
"No, it's ok," Jack said.
"Your neck?"
"No."
"Your elbows?"
"No."
"Your eyes?"
"I think not."
"Your esophagus?"
"..."
"Is that a yes?"
"No."
"Your ankles?"
"No."
"Your lower calf muscles?"
"No."
"Your inner thigh?"
"No."
"Your Thing Once Under a Towel?"
Here, Jack became sorely tempted. "Um..." he said, thinking hard. He rather enjoyed Popuri's invasion of his privacy, and Bob broke it off just as Jack was about to reach that thing he could only previously reach with himself.
Two little Jacks appeared on his shoulder. One was wearing bright red lingerie with black lace, and had little red horns and a tail. The other was in white, and it wore an angel's gown, complete with halo and wings. Devil Jack laughed at Angel Jack.
"Dude!" he said. "You're wearing a dress!"
Angel Jack sighed. "It's a gown. All angels wear gowns. Besides, you're wearing lingerie."
Devil Jack ignored this, and zapped Angel Jack's hair, causing it to become curly and resemble Elvis's do.
"Look!" shouted Devil Jack. "It's Little Richard, without the makeup!" He started laughing.
Suddenly, Little Richard appeared on the shoulder next to Angel Jack. Devil Jack stopped laughing.
"Little Richard doesn't like you!" shrieked the man in that high-pitched voice of his. "Little Richard's gonna make you girly!" With that, Little Richard zapped Devil Jack. The horns and tail disappeared, and the lingerie was replaced with a pink dress with floral print.
"AHHHH!" screamed Devil Jack, and phased out, going back to wherever the little conscience people go.
"Little Richard gon teach you a lesson!" shouted the man, and chased after him into conscience land.
"I guess that means I won," said Angel Jack. Just then, a mini Ozzy Osbourne appeared, grinning evilly at Angel Jack.
"Hey!" screamed the angel. "You're not a conscience person!" Ozzy zapped him, turning him into a bat with Jack's head.
"Nooooo!" screamed Bat Jack. Ozzy cut off his screams as he bit off the head.
"Mmm," said Ozzy. "Tastes like chicken. Now, go get a hand job, Jack." Ozzy phased out.
"Ok!" said Jack to Setsuna. Bob smiled.
"Bob like porn," he said, and watched the little scene which will not be described because ff.net removed the NC-17 ratings.