"Bob like!" exclaimed the harvest sprite after Setsuna showed off her
talents as a whore. "Bob turn!"
Setsuna shook her head. "Sorry, Bob," she said. "I have business elsewhere....the mayor calls."
Bob stared at her in shock. "Pale-slut can get around Rednose-man's belly?"
Setsuna nodded proudly. "Yep. I am unnaturally skinny, after all. The fat's actually very cushioning."
Bob shuddered. "Bob no want know that," he said. "Bob now have nightmares for long time."
Setsuna cocked her head for a minute. "What's up?" asked Jack, who was feeling somewhat left out.
"The mayor wanted me to tell everyone something," she replied.
"That fat be cushioning?" asked Bob.
Setsuna laughed. "Not that," she said. Then a little light bulb flashed above her head. "Sorry," she said. She reached over her head and switched the light off.
"Pale-slut remember?" asked Bob.
Setsuna nodded. "He wanted everyone to go to the town square for a meeting."
Jack raised an eyebrow. "Is the meeting about how cushioning his fat is?"
Setsuna shook her head, sighing. "No, you dumbass," she said. "It's for something else."
"Let's go!" said Jack, and started down the hill. Setsuna and Bob stayed behind for a moment.
"Pale-slut does know that Farmer-man want long term relationship now, right?" asked Bob.
Setsuna looked at him in horror. "I don't like hearing those words in the same sentence."
The Harvest Sprite grinned evilly. "Welcome to hell."
When Setsuna and Bob got to the square a few minutes after Jack, they were amazed. The entire town had gathered together for the mayor's meeting. It was almost crowded.
"Attention, please!" said a voice. The voice was incredibly loud and whiny, and it seemed to be coming from somebody with a megaphone. After a bit of searching, the voice was found to be coming from the mayor. He was standing on a podium, which made him almost as tall as everyone else. The mayor continued.
"Today, the mighty authoress has decided to bless us with her presence by possessing one of the village girls. Will all of the young ladies come up to the podium and sip the ceremonial wine?"
Karen, Ann, Maria, Elli, Popuri, May, and Setsuna stood up. Ann had earlier been forced to wear clothing, as it would be unseemly for her to run around naked in front of everyone and not just in her own barn. She mooed in protest at the constriction of her...teats...but her father made her wear the clothes anyway.
The mayor looked them over. "May," he said, "sit down. There's no such thing as a prepubescent lady."
May sat down reluctantly, and Kent pointed at her and laughed.
"You ain't got no boobies!" he cried in a singsong voice.
May gave him an icy glare. "And when I'm through with you," she replied, "you won't have anything left to fondle at night."
Everyone laughed, and Kent blushed and sat. Stu slapped May a high five.
"Anyway," shouted the mayor. He was a little irritated at the interruption. "Setsuna, you can sit down as well."
The girl's jaw dropped. "Why me?" she asked.
"The mighty authoress wishes to posses someone with morals. You don't have any. Sit down."
Setsuna scowled. "All right, but you're not gettin' any tonight."
It was the mayor's turn to drop his jaw in shock. "But Snookums-"
"Don't you 'Snookums' me," snapped Setsuna. "'Snookums' has morals, and apparently I don't." She sat down, smiling.
The mayor glanced warily at his wife, who seemed to be mouthing something akin to "gas station" while making little scissors with her fingers. The mayor gulped and continued his speech. "Let the possession begin!"
The five girls stood up in a row near the podium, taking turns sipping the ceremonial wine. Ann had to be served a portion of the wine in a bowl, which she lapped up happily. Karen got the bottle last when it was half- full of the liquor, and the lush polished off the rest of it. The girls stood still for a moment, staring at the floor nervously.
Suddenly, Ann started to shake. "Mooooo!" she cried, falling on her side.
Then, as quickly as it started, Ann's shaking stopped, and she stood up on her hind legs.
"Hey there," she said. Everyone's eyes widened. Ann laughed at their surprise. "Um, guys? It's the authoress...I just possessed Ann!"
The people laughed. "Oh," they said in unison.
The authoress smiled. Suddenly, Popuri grabbed at her chest and fell to the ground.
"What's happening?" cried Jack, feeling extremely left out in this chapter.
"Looks like she's being possessed," replied the authoress (in Ann's body).
Popuri got up. "Are you ok?" asked Jack.
Popuri's eyes flared red and she smiled at Jack, showing long, pointy teeth. "Praise Lucifer!" she cried in an unnaturally deep voice, her head spinning in circles on her neck.
Jack let out a sigh of relief. "She's all right!" he cried out to the crowd.
Popuri stopped spinning her head and cocked it at Jack. "Dude," she said, "I'm like, possessed. Like, Popuri so can't do the freaky deep voice thing and spin her head around."
Jack looked surprised. "Really?" he asked. "She always reminded me of demon spawn...I guess I thought that was a little commonplace."
Popuri did a very blonde-ish pose. "What-ever," she said, making a little sign with her fingers. "Aren't you gonna like, ask me who I am?"
Jack raised an eyebrow. "Couldn't you just tell us?" Popuri thought for a moment, twirling a strand of hair. Then she smiled.
"Like, I guess so! I'm Jessifer, the author's alter ego. It sounds a lot like Lucifer, right? He's my boyfriend. It's like, so cool to have him as a boyfriend. Nika over there hasn't had a boyfriend since third grade."
Ann's body blushed furiously. "Hey!" she cried, smacking Popuri's body across the face. "You're not even real!"
Jessifer laughed. "What am I then, like, your imaginary friend?"
The authoress looked at the ground. "No, that was Minnie," she said. "And she disappeared when I was nine."
Jessifer laughed again. "Suuure she did," the demon spawn replied.
Nika grew angry, and she started to throw a temper tantrum. "She did too disappear, you fucker!" She then started crying.
Jessifer laughed evilly. "Like, someone's got PMS," The authoress curled up in a little ball and cried some more. Her alter ego shook her head.
"You can't be the authoress if you're PMSing," she said. Jessifer picked up the authoress and threw her into the sky, where she disappeared.
"Where's Ann?" cried Jack, who seemed to be the only one who remembered that little detail.
"Oops," said Jessifer. She pointed her finger at the floor, and Ann appeared. Jessifer clapped her hands together.
"That should do it," she said. "Now that the Nika's gone, I'm the authoress! MWAHAHAHA!"
Popuri's eyes grew unfocused, and then returned to their normal redness. "I'm not possessed anymore!" she cried, smiling. Then she frowned.
"I was possessed by the devil's girlfriend! I missed my opportunity to take over Hell! Or at least the one in Minnesota! No, my lady! Come back! TAKE ME WITH YOU!!!" Popuri collapsed on the floor, sobbing.
Something stepped on Jack's foot. He looked down. There he saw a yellow duck. He raised an eyebrow.
"Help!" screamed Karen. Jack looked up. There was another duck sitting on her head, seemingly doing the Macarena. A few more ducks landed in the square.
"Ducks?" Jack asked.
"Look, Farmer-man!" cried Bob from somewhere below him. He was sitting on top of a duck that was adorned with some tiny reins. "Bob get good ride! Her name Darlene, and she free tonight!" More ducks flanked Darlene. "They like Bob, Farmer-man!" called the sprite. "Bob get lots tonight!" The flock walked off.
A duck landed on Jack's shoulder. He looked at it, and wondered if he could talk to ducks like Bob could. "Hey," he said to the duck. "I'm Jack. What's up?"
The duck opened its beak in reply. Just as Jack was about to laugh in triumph, the duck bit him on the nose. He started to run around in pain- crazed circles. He ran into something hard, and fell down. Jack looked up to se what he had crashed into, and saw a short, lanky boy with red hair, freckles, and huge thick glasses.
"Hi!" said the boy. "I'm Chuck!" Jack wasn't in a good mood, and the boy had an extremely annoying voice. He grabbed the duck attached to his nose and held it at arm's length.
"Suck duck, Chuck," he said, and shoved the duck in the boy's mouth. The duck bit his esophagus, causing the boy to run around in pain-crazed circles like Jack had done. Jack laughed.
Suddenly, it began to rain. The town square's exits were stopped up with ducks, and the area quickly flooded. Jack grabbed onto Chuck and used him as a flotation device.
"Hey!" exclaimed Chuck, who had somehow managed to detach the duck from his esophagus. "I have feelings too!" Jack ignored this and sat on him.
He looked at the scene around him. Everyone was grabbing onto one another and trying to stay on top of the water. Popuri was standing on top of a wall, raising a banana over her head.
"Arise, creatures of the underworld!" she cried. "Take revenge on the children who bought packets of your young in toy stores and then forgot to feed them! Attack those who then flushed your children down the toilet, giving them the same sorry fate you had! The time for vengeance is now! Arise! ARISE!"
The water in the middle of the square began to swirl and glow red. A huge, elephant-sized creature jumped out of the center, followed by man-sized versions of itself. The creature was transparent, and looked kind of like a tadpole with legs. Then Jack realized what it was. The creature was a sea monkey, magnified at least a thousand times.
"%@^&@$)_(&%!" cried the giant sea monkey in its native language.
Setsuna could be heard laughing. "Now that's a monster after my own heart!" she said. "Corrupt minds! BWA HA HA HA HA!"
Everyone turned to stare at her. "What?" she asked. "I need to get revenge against all children since that little kid jumped me at school and forced me to give her a piggy-back ride, and I lost my balance and fell flat on my face, making everyone laugh at me."
Everyone just raised their eyebrows. "Ok, ok," said the town whore. "Just carry on with the damn story already."
The sea monkeys started ruthlessly mauling the villagers, breaking their noses and ripping their clothes to shreds. This was a horrible tragedy, as they only had one outfit apiece.
"Somebody needs to pull the plug!" screamed the mayor, who had at least three sea monkeys sinking in the fat of his stomach.
"What plug?" cried a random villager.
"The one at the center of the square!" the mayor replied. "You know, the one that drains the place when people spill their booze all over during the New Year's festival."
"Oh!" said the random villager. "I wondered where it all went!"
"Now you know," replied the mayor. "We need someone small and useless to the plot of the game to pull the plug."
Kent, Stu, and May, who were trying to use each other to stay afloat while being molested by a sea monkey, exchanged looks. Kent, being the biggest, definitely had the advantage here.
"Bye, you flat bitch!" he cried, reaching for them. Stu and May were confused as to which one of them he meant. But even Kent wasn't so cruel as to attempt to murder his little brother, so May was the one going under.
Unfortunately (for her), May couldn't swim. She sank like a stone and hit the bottom.
'Great,' she thought, 'I'm going to die. I'll never finish learning to read, I'll never get a nicer looking dress, I'll never be in love, I'll never grow boobs, I'll never get laid, and I'll never find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. This sucks ass. I want to kick something.'
And so she did. May aimed for the interesting rubber rock that happened to be nearby. It floated away, leaving a hole in the square. All of the water rushed through it, carrying quite a few of the ducks and man-sized sea monkeys with it and somehow managing to keep May alive and well outside of the hole.
"Yay!" cried the villagers. "May saved the day!"
"Hey!" said May. "I hate cliché. No more, ok?"
"Cliché?" said they. "No way! Now we must convey you away to have a par-tay and be gay!"
"Oy vey!" said May. She ran away.
Popuri stopped her. "I'll get you, my pretty!" she cried. "And your little dog, too!"
May cocked her head. "I don't have a dog," she said.
Popuri huffed. "Whatever." She flew away to the west on her broomstick with the remnants of her sea monkey hoard.
"That was a really horrible paragraph," said Jack. "The author is really losing her touch."
Setsuna raised an eyebrow. "Isn't the current author her evil side?"
Jack thought for a moment. "This is true," he said. "I forgot about that."
Setsuna looked up. "What's that?" she asked.
"What's what?" replied Jack. "That thing up in the sky," replied Setsuna. Jack thought. "Looks like a white unicorn with fluffy rainbow wings that's about to attack Flowerbud. More than one, actually."
The whore's eyes widened. "Wow!" she exclaimed. "You've got some great vision!"
Jack smiled and shook his head. "No I don't," he replied. "It looks like a big black dot to me too. But if you look four lines below this one, you can see the author's plot list. You know, the place where she writes what's going to happen in the chapter."
"Oh," said Setsuna. "I get it. Well, according to that little reference list, we should counterattack with plywood from your shed."
Jack looked at the small list of things left to write about in the chapter. "That isn't what it says," he said, puzzled.
"It's one of those things where you have to read between the lines," replied Setsuna.
Jack climbed down and looked between the lines. "I still don't see the part where we should use plywood in self defense."
Setsuna smacked him. "You're such a dumbass," she said. "It's not actually written between the lines. That's just a fucking saying. It's the thing we have to do so that the story will lead to the next thing on the list."
"Oh," said Jack. "I don't really see the purpose of it. Apparently, the plywood is-" Jack was interrupted by Setsuna, who efficiently erased all memory of the next two plot points by injecting him with some foreign drug.
"Let's go to my farm and get some plywood to defend ourselves with!" cried Jack.
"Right behind you," she replied.
Setsuna let Jack walk out of hearing range before turning to the authoress, who was hiding in the bushes nearby.
"Thanks," said Nika.
"No problem," replied Setsuna. "When will you end this damn chapter?"
The authoress thought for a moment. "Maybe after the next couple of plot points. The story will be over with this chapter, you know."
"WHAT?" exclaimed Setsuna. "That's so fucking cheap! You'll just...end it?"
The authoress nodded. "I don't see why you're so upset. I told you how I was going to end it already."
"So?" Setsuna said. "You're such a bitch!"
Before the slut could storm off, Nika thought of a great way to keep her there a bit longer. "I have pretzels!"
Setsuna smiled. "Food!" she cried. She grabbed the pretzels and ran away, munching them as she went. The authoress shook her head. 'I wonder how she manages to stay a size zero when she steals my junk food every day. Whatever.'
Jack was waiting at his farm next to his woodshed when Setsuna finally arrived. "I've got some bad news," he said. "All my plywood is infested with yams."
"Really?" asked Setsuna, acting surprised for the hell of it. "How did that happen?"
Jack shrugged. "Maybe because I tried to genetically splice some veggies in there."
Setsuna lifted and eyebrow. "Ok then..."
Jack suddenly screamed. "The British are coming! The British are coming!"
Setsuna looked around. "Where?" she asked. "I hear they have really hot guys over there."
Jack blinked. "Sorry," he said. "I got carried away in the moment. I really meant to say-"
A white unicorn with fluffy rainbow wings swooped down and picked him up. "- the unicorns are here," he finished.
"Jack!" cried Setsuna. "NO!!!!" She started running after the unicorn, which seemed to be going to the top of the mountain.
"I can't lose you!" she exclaimed. "You're the only other person beside Vern Troyer that could use your...thing...as a kickstand!"
Jack looked down. "I really could use it as a kickstand, couldn't I?" he said. "Cool!"
By this time, the two humans and the white unicorn with fluffy rainbow wings had reached the cliff at the top of the mountain. Just as the monster was about to fly away with its prey, it ran into a tree, fell off the cliff, and died. Jack fell too, but Setsuna grasped his hand at the edge of the cliff. Unfortunately, Setsuna weighed about 88 pounds, and Jack weighed about one hundred pounds more. Their grips started to loosen.
"Setsuna!" cried Jack. "Let go! You'll pull a muscle in your arm and ruin some perfectly good hand jobs!"
Setsuna shook her head. "I'd rather miss out on a few meetings with the mayor than get rid of the owner of that kickstand of yours. Seriously, you're 6'2 and have long legs! That's way too good to get rid of. I'll never let go, Jack!"
With that last sentence being spoken, Jack lost it. "Fucking sappy quotes," he said, laughing. He laughed so hard that he lost his grip, and fell hundreds of feet downwards.
"NOOO!!!!" cried Setsuna.
Setsuna shook her head. "Sorry, Bob," she said. "I have business elsewhere....the mayor calls."
Bob stared at her in shock. "Pale-slut can get around Rednose-man's belly?"
Setsuna nodded proudly. "Yep. I am unnaturally skinny, after all. The fat's actually very cushioning."
Bob shuddered. "Bob no want know that," he said. "Bob now have nightmares for long time."
Setsuna cocked her head for a minute. "What's up?" asked Jack, who was feeling somewhat left out.
"The mayor wanted me to tell everyone something," she replied.
"That fat be cushioning?" asked Bob.
Setsuna laughed. "Not that," she said. Then a little light bulb flashed above her head. "Sorry," she said. She reached over her head and switched the light off.
"Pale-slut remember?" asked Bob.
Setsuna nodded. "He wanted everyone to go to the town square for a meeting."
Jack raised an eyebrow. "Is the meeting about how cushioning his fat is?"
Setsuna shook her head, sighing. "No, you dumbass," she said. "It's for something else."
"Let's go!" said Jack, and started down the hill. Setsuna and Bob stayed behind for a moment.
"Pale-slut does know that Farmer-man want long term relationship now, right?" asked Bob.
Setsuna looked at him in horror. "I don't like hearing those words in the same sentence."
The Harvest Sprite grinned evilly. "Welcome to hell."
When Setsuna and Bob got to the square a few minutes after Jack, they were amazed. The entire town had gathered together for the mayor's meeting. It was almost crowded.
"Attention, please!" said a voice. The voice was incredibly loud and whiny, and it seemed to be coming from somebody with a megaphone. After a bit of searching, the voice was found to be coming from the mayor. He was standing on a podium, which made him almost as tall as everyone else. The mayor continued.
"Today, the mighty authoress has decided to bless us with her presence by possessing one of the village girls. Will all of the young ladies come up to the podium and sip the ceremonial wine?"
Karen, Ann, Maria, Elli, Popuri, May, and Setsuna stood up. Ann had earlier been forced to wear clothing, as it would be unseemly for her to run around naked in front of everyone and not just in her own barn. She mooed in protest at the constriction of her...teats...but her father made her wear the clothes anyway.
The mayor looked them over. "May," he said, "sit down. There's no such thing as a prepubescent lady."
May sat down reluctantly, and Kent pointed at her and laughed.
"You ain't got no boobies!" he cried in a singsong voice.
May gave him an icy glare. "And when I'm through with you," she replied, "you won't have anything left to fondle at night."
Everyone laughed, and Kent blushed and sat. Stu slapped May a high five.
"Anyway," shouted the mayor. He was a little irritated at the interruption. "Setsuna, you can sit down as well."
The girl's jaw dropped. "Why me?" she asked.
"The mighty authoress wishes to posses someone with morals. You don't have any. Sit down."
Setsuna scowled. "All right, but you're not gettin' any tonight."
It was the mayor's turn to drop his jaw in shock. "But Snookums-"
"Don't you 'Snookums' me," snapped Setsuna. "'Snookums' has morals, and apparently I don't." She sat down, smiling.
The mayor glanced warily at his wife, who seemed to be mouthing something akin to "gas station" while making little scissors with her fingers. The mayor gulped and continued his speech. "Let the possession begin!"
The five girls stood up in a row near the podium, taking turns sipping the ceremonial wine. Ann had to be served a portion of the wine in a bowl, which she lapped up happily. Karen got the bottle last when it was half- full of the liquor, and the lush polished off the rest of it. The girls stood still for a moment, staring at the floor nervously.
Suddenly, Ann started to shake. "Mooooo!" she cried, falling on her side.
Then, as quickly as it started, Ann's shaking stopped, and she stood up on her hind legs.
"Hey there," she said. Everyone's eyes widened. Ann laughed at their surprise. "Um, guys? It's the authoress...I just possessed Ann!"
The people laughed. "Oh," they said in unison.
The authoress smiled. Suddenly, Popuri grabbed at her chest and fell to the ground.
"What's happening?" cried Jack, feeling extremely left out in this chapter.
"Looks like she's being possessed," replied the authoress (in Ann's body).
Popuri got up. "Are you ok?" asked Jack.
Popuri's eyes flared red and she smiled at Jack, showing long, pointy teeth. "Praise Lucifer!" she cried in an unnaturally deep voice, her head spinning in circles on her neck.
Jack let out a sigh of relief. "She's all right!" he cried out to the crowd.
Popuri stopped spinning her head and cocked it at Jack. "Dude," she said, "I'm like, possessed. Like, Popuri so can't do the freaky deep voice thing and spin her head around."
Jack looked surprised. "Really?" he asked. "She always reminded me of demon spawn...I guess I thought that was a little commonplace."
Popuri did a very blonde-ish pose. "What-ever," she said, making a little sign with her fingers. "Aren't you gonna like, ask me who I am?"
Jack raised an eyebrow. "Couldn't you just tell us?" Popuri thought for a moment, twirling a strand of hair. Then she smiled.
"Like, I guess so! I'm Jessifer, the author's alter ego. It sounds a lot like Lucifer, right? He's my boyfriend. It's like, so cool to have him as a boyfriend. Nika over there hasn't had a boyfriend since third grade."
Ann's body blushed furiously. "Hey!" she cried, smacking Popuri's body across the face. "You're not even real!"
Jessifer laughed. "What am I then, like, your imaginary friend?"
The authoress looked at the ground. "No, that was Minnie," she said. "And she disappeared when I was nine."
Jessifer laughed again. "Suuure she did," the demon spawn replied.
Nika grew angry, and she started to throw a temper tantrum. "She did too disappear, you fucker!" She then started crying.
Jessifer laughed evilly. "Like, someone's got PMS," The authoress curled up in a little ball and cried some more. Her alter ego shook her head.
"You can't be the authoress if you're PMSing," she said. Jessifer picked up the authoress and threw her into the sky, where she disappeared.
"Where's Ann?" cried Jack, who seemed to be the only one who remembered that little detail.
"Oops," said Jessifer. She pointed her finger at the floor, and Ann appeared. Jessifer clapped her hands together.
"That should do it," she said. "Now that the Nika's gone, I'm the authoress! MWAHAHAHA!"
Popuri's eyes grew unfocused, and then returned to their normal redness. "I'm not possessed anymore!" she cried, smiling. Then she frowned.
"I was possessed by the devil's girlfriend! I missed my opportunity to take over Hell! Or at least the one in Minnesota! No, my lady! Come back! TAKE ME WITH YOU!!!" Popuri collapsed on the floor, sobbing.
Something stepped on Jack's foot. He looked down. There he saw a yellow duck. He raised an eyebrow.
"Help!" screamed Karen. Jack looked up. There was another duck sitting on her head, seemingly doing the Macarena. A few more ducks landed in the square.
"Ducks?" Jack asked.
"Look, Farmer-man!" cried Bob from somewhere below him. He was sitting on top of a duck that was adorned with some tiny reins. "Bob get good ride! Her name Darlene, and she free tonight!" More ducks flanked Darlene. "They like Bob, Farmer-man!" called the sprite. "Bob get lots tonight!" The flock walked off.
A duck landed on Jack's shoulder. He looked at it, and wondered if he could talk to ducks like Bob could. "Hey," he said to the duck. "I'm Jack. What's up?"
The duck opened its beak in reply. Just as Jack was about to laugh in triumph, the duck bit him on the nose. He started to run around in pain- crazed circles. He ran into something hard, and fell down. Jack looked up to se what he had crashed into, and saw a short, lanky boy with red hair, freckles, and huge thick glasses.
"Hi!" said the boy. "I'm Chuck!" Jack wasn't in a good mood, and the boy had an extremely annoying voice. He grabbed the duck attached to his nose and held it at arm's length.
"Suck duck, Chuck," he said, and shoved the duck in the boy's mouth. The duck bit his esophagus, causing the boy to run around in pain-crazed circles like Jack had done. Jack laughed.
Suddenly, it began to rain. The town square's exits were stopped up with ducks, and the area quickly flooded. Jack grabbed onto Chuck and used him as a flotation device.
"Hey!" exclaimed Chuck, who had somehow managed to detach the duck from his esophagus. "I have feelings too!" Jack ignored this and sat on him.
He looked at the scene around him. Everyone was grabbing onto one another and trying to stay on top of the water. Popuri was standing on top of a wall, raising a banana over her head.
"Arise, creatures of the underworld!" she cried. "Take revenge on the children who bought packets of your young in toy stores and then forgot to feed them! Attack those who then flushed your children down the toilet, giving them the same sorry fate you had! The time for vengeance is now! Arise! ARISE!"
The water in the middle of the square began to swirl and glow red. A huge, elephant-sized creature jumped out of the center, followed by man-sized versions of itself. The creature was transparent, and looked kind of like a tadpole with legs. Then Jack realized what it was. The creature was a sea monkey, magnified at least a thousand times.
"%@^&@$)_(&%!" cried the giant sea monkey in its native language.
Setsuna could be heard laughing. "Now that's a monster after my own heart!" she said. "Corrupt minds! BWA HA HA HA HA!"
Everyone turned to stare at her. "What?" she asked. "I need to get revenge against all children since that little kid jumped me at school and forced me to give her a piggy-back ride, and I lost my balance and fell flat on my face, making everyone laugh at me."
Everyone just raised their eyebrows. "Ok, ok," said the town whore. "Just carry on with the damn story already."
The sea monkeys started ruthlessly mauling the villagers, breaking their noses and ripping their clothes to shreds. This was a horrible tragedy, as they only had one outfit apiece.
"Somebody needs to pull the plug!" screamed the mayor, who had at least three sea monkeys sinking in the fat of his stomach.
"What plug?" cried a random villager.
"The one at the center of the square!" the mayor replied. "You know, the one that drains the place when people spill their booze all over during the New Year's festival."
"Oh!" said the random villager. "I wondered where it all went!"
"Now you know," replied the mayor. "We need someone small and useless to the plot of the game to pull the plug."
Kent, Stu, and May, who were trying to use each other to stay afloat while being molested by a sea monkey, exchanged looks. Kent, being the biggest, definitely had the advantage here.
"Bye, you flat bitch!" he cried, reaching for them. Stu and May were confused as to which one of them he meant. But even Kent wasn't so cruel as to attempt to murder his little brother, so May was the one going under.
Unfortunately (for her), May couldn't swim. She sank like a stone and hit the bottom.
'Great,' she thought, 'I'm going to die. I'll never finish learning to read, I'll never get a nicer looking dress, I'll never be in love, I'll never grow boobs, I'll never get laid, and I'll never find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. This sucks ass. I want to kick something.'
And so she did. May aimed for the interesting rubber rock that happened to be nearby. It floated away, leaving a hole in the square. All of the water rushed through it, carrying quite a few of the ducks and man-sized sea monkeys with it and somehow managing to keep May alive and well outside of the hole.
"Yay!" cried the villagers. "May saved the day!"
"Hey!" said May. "I hate cliché. No more, ok?"
"Cliché?" said they. "No way! Now we must convey you away to have a par-tay and be gay!"
"Oy vey!" said May. She ran away.
Popuri stopped her. "I'll get you, my pretty!" she cried. "And your little dog, too!"
May cocked her head. "I don't have a dog," she said.
Popuri huffed. "Whatever." She flew away to the west on her broomstick with the remnants of her sea monkey hoard.
"That was a really horrible paragraph," said Jack. "The author is really losing her touch."
Setsuna raised an eyebrow. "Isn't the current author her evil side?"
Jack thought for a moment. "This is true," he said. "I forgot about that."
Setsuna looked up. "What's that?" she asked.
"What's what?" replied Jack. "That thing up in the sky," replied Setsuna. Jack thought. "Looks like a white unicorn with fluffy rainbow wings that's about to attack Flowerbud. More than one, actually."
The whore's eyes widened. "Wow!" she exclaimed. "You've got some great vision!"
Jack smiled and shook his head. "No I don't," he replied. "It looks like a big black dot to me too. But if you look four lines below this one, you can see the author's plot list. You know, the place where she writes what's going to happen in the chapter."
"Oh," said Setsuna. "I get it. Well, according to that little reference list, we should counterattack with plywood from your shed."
Jack looked at the small list of things left to write about in the chapter. "That isn't what it says," he said, puzzled.
"It's one of those things where you have to read between the lines," replied Setsuna.
Jack climbed down and looked between the lines. "I still don't see the part where we should use plywood in self defense."
Setsuna smacked him. "You're such a dumbass," she said. "It's not actually written between the lines. That's just a fucking saying. It's the thing we have to do so that the story will lead to the next thing on the list."
"Oh," said Jack. "I don't really see the purpose of it. Apparently, the plywood is-" Jack was interrupted by Setsuna, who efficiently erased all memory of the next two plot points by injecting him with some foreign drug.
"Let's go to my farm and get some plywood to defend ourselves with!" cried Jack.
"Right behind you," she replied.
Setsuna let Jack walk out of hearing range before turning to the authoress, who was hiding in the bushes nearby.
"Thanks," said Nika.
"No problem," replied Setsuna. "When will you end this damn chapter?"
The authoress thought for a moment. "Maybe after the next couple of plot points. The story will be over with this chapter, you know."
"WHAT?" exclaimed Setsuna. "That's so fucking cheap! You'll just...end it?"
The authoress nodded. "I don't see why you're so upset. I told you how I was going to end it already."
"So?" Setsuna said. "You're such a bitch!"
Before the slut could storm off, Nika thought of a great way to keep her there a bit longer. "I have pretzels!"
Setsuna smiled. "Food!" she cried. She grabbed the pretzels and ran away, munching them as she went. The authoress shook her head. 'I wonder how she manages to stay a size zero when she steals my junk food every day. Whatever.'
Jack was waiting at his farm next to his woodshed when Setsuna finally arrived. "I've got some bad news," he said. "All my plywood is infested with yams."
"Really?" asked Setsuna, acting surprised for the hell of it. "How did that happen?"
Jack shrugged. "Maybe because I tried to genetically splice some veggies in there."
Setsuna lifted and eyebrow. "Ok then..."
Jack suddenly screamed. "The British are coming! The British are coming!"
Setsuna looked around. "Where?" she asked. "I hear they have really hot guys over there."
Jack blinked. "Sorry," he said. "I got carried away in the moment. I really meant to say-"
A white unicorn with fluffy rainbow wings swooped down and picked him up. "- the unicorns are here," he finished.
"Jack!" cried Setsuna. "NO!!!!" She started running after the unicorn, which seemed to be going to the top of the mountain.
"I can't lose you!" she exclaimed. "You're the only other person beside Vern Troyer that could use your...thing...as a kickstand!"
Jack looked down. "I really could use it as a kickstand, couldn't I?" he said. "Cool!"
By this time, the two humans and the white unicorn with fluffy rainbow wings had reached the cliff at the top of the mountain. Just as the monster was about to fly away with its prey, it ran into a tree, fell off the cliff, and died. Jack fell too, but Setsuna grasped his hand at the edge of the cliff. Unfortunately, Setsuna weighed about 88 pounds, and Jack weighed about one hundred pounds more. Their grips started to loosen.
"Setsuna!" cried Jack. "Let go! You'll pull a muscle in your arm and ruin some perfectly good hand jobs!"
Setsuna shook her head. "I'd rather miss out on a few meetings with the mayor than get rid of the owner of that kickstand of yours. Seriously, you're 6'2 and have long legs! That's way too good to get rid of. I'll never let go, Jack!"
With that last sentence being spoken, Jack lost it. "Fucking sappy quotes," he said, laughing. He laughed so hard that he lost his grip, and fell hundreds of feet downwards.
"NOOO!!!!" cried Setsuna.