Disclaimer:  I do not own the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; they are the property of Mirage Studios, Inc.  I am only borrowing them for the entertainment of those reading this.  Please don't sue me, I assure you—I have no money.  The other characters are mine, please don't borrow without permission. 

Chapter 9: Raphael

Raphael:

I moved through the kata like it was second nature, which wasn't too far from the truth.  I was pretty sure at this point that I could do it in my sleep.  I'd shown Athena the progress I'd made last time she came by, but she still refused to teach me any more of the technique.  I'm sure she has her reasons, not the least of which is trying to keep us all on an even level until we go back.

I thought about my brothers, not for the first time that day.  I wondered if they had succeeded in mastering the first steps of the technique like I had.  I was pretty sure that Leo probably had.

I thought about my brothers often, but I would be lying if I said I really missed them.  For about as long as I could remember, all I wanted was to be left alone.  Athena gave me that.  The last four months had been some of the best of my life.  I had no one to answer to, no one checking up on me, judging me.  It was just me, and occasionally Athena.  She always seemed to know exactly when I wanted her company, and exactly when it was time to leave.  I loved that about her.  I guess I loved a lot of things about her, really.  It wasn't a romantic love though, at first I thought it was, but I'd realized as time went on that I loved her in a different way, one that I hadn't recognized at first—I loved her like family, like a sister.  Which wasn't to say that I didn't find her attractive, because I did.  She was gorgeous, but I didn't want her to be anything more than exactly what she already was to me—a very good friend.

I ended my session because I suddenly sensed that I needed to be elsewhere.  I jumped down to the second floor balcony and went back inside the house.  Sure enough, I could hear the soft tapping on the door.  I ran down the stairs and opened the door for her.

"Good morning."

"Morning, Raph.  Sorry about interrupting your workout."

"I was just about done anyway.  So how come you're here so early?"

"I've got a long day ahead of me.  Lots of people to see."

I looked at Athena carefully.  Something in the pit of my stomach told me that this was the visit I'd been dreading.

"Lots of people to see, huh?"

"Yeah."

Her eyes met mine and I could tell she was feeling me out.  At first I hated when she did that, but now I was pretty used to it.  I knew she wasn't actually reading my mind, just getting an idea of what I was feeling.

"Look, I know you know why I'm here, so why don't we just go sit down and talk about it?"

"Fine, but I don't think I have much to say on this."

We stood there looking at each other for a minute, but no one made a move to go sit down.

"How about some tea, Raph?"

"Sure if you're making it, because you know I suck at it."

"Honestly, I don't know how you've kept yourself fed all this time.  You are so clueless in the kitchen."

"Hey, I've never needed to cook for myself before.  I've always had Mike."

"Yeah, I think he's missed not having other people to cook for."

It was strange to have her say anything about one of my brothers.  She would never tell me anything before, not that I really asked either.

She was shuffling around my kitchen, getting out cups and warming up the water.  I just wanted to get the suspense over with now that I knew for sure why she was here.

"So, when do we go back?"

"I'm not here to tell you when you have to go back, Raphael."

"Aren't you?"

"I'm only here to get you thinking about it.  I won't force you to come back.  If you want to stay here for the rest of your life, you can certainly do that.  I'm here to invite you back, when you're ready."

I thought about what she just said.  I had never even considered that staying here was an option.  Now that she was offering it to me though…

"So I don't have to leave if I don't want to?"

"No, you don't have to leave."

"I can stay here as long as I want?"

"As long as you want."

"What about training?"

"Well, I guess that's the catch."

Why did there always have to be a catch?

"How so?"

"If you want to continue your training, you have to come back."

Yep, that was definitely a catch.

"Why?"

"Because—I can't train you all individually.  There aren't four of me.  I have to have you all together to train you.  Besides, it's beneficial to have other people around you with whom you can practice because you're all at the same level."

I knew what she was saying was true, but it didn't make me resent it any less.

"Fine then, let's go back to the original question—when do I have to go back?"

"Training will start up again in two weeks.  Anyone who wants to get in on it needs to be there then, anyone who doesn't can stay where they are.  I just can't train them."

She handed me a teacup and motioned me to move to the living room.  I couldn't believe she was doing this to me.  I knew that she knew I didn't want to go back yet.

I flopped myself down on the sofa while she settled into the armchair.

"You know I'm not ready to be with them again."

"I'm aware of how you feel about them."

"No, it's not how I feel about them, it's how I feel about being with them.  I mean, they're my brothers, the only family I have left.  It's just that…"

"You've changed."

"It's not even that.  I mean, I have.  But I don't think I've really changed.  I think being alone has just allowed me to be who I always could've been, but never was."

"So you think that if you're with them again, you'll go back to the old Raphael."

"That's how everyone expects me to be."

"Raph, what makes you think your brothers don't feel the same way?  What makes you think they haven't gone through transformations just like you have?"

"Because they were never the screw-ups."

"Who says you were?"

"They would."

"I don't think so, Raph."

"Well I do."

"Well I don't think you're giving them enough credit."

"And maybe I think you're giving them too much."

"Okay, so what's the worst thing that's going to happen if you come back?"

"I'll go back to being the asshole."

"Raph, I hate to break it to you—but you still can be an asshole."

I looked up to see that twinkle in her eye and that half-cocked grin on her face.  Why did she have to have a sense of humor at a time like this?

"You know what I mean."

"Yes, I do.  And I didn't come over here to get you all wound up about this.  I just came over to tell you what's happening.  You're a big boy; you can make your own decisions."

"You're not leaving me with much of a choice here."

She set her teacup down on the table and stood up.

"Look, you've obviously got some things to think about.  You've got two weeks to make your decision.  Call me if you need anything; otherwise I'm going to leave you alone."

I nodded my head; there wasn't much left to say.  I got up and saw her to the door.  She opened it and stood in the doorway for a minute before turning around and speaking again.

"I know you think I'm not leaving you with very good options, but I want you to consider something before you decide.  Do you really think that being alone here is what "allowed" you to be who you feel you really are, or do you think maybe you finally gave yourself that chance?"

She leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek.

"Think about it."

She closed the door and left me standing there, hating how she knew me so well.