Author's Note: This story was written in response to a challenge set down by Nytd. It was some time ago that it was issued but, oh well. Below I've posted the requirements as I understood them. I would like to say thank you to my reviewers, it was very much appreciated. I did a bit more editing but it was nothing major.  

Remus, Sirius and Severus are the main characters. They
get sent on a mission for Dumbledore together to gather intelligence about
Death Eater activity and whereabouts. (just get back/about to go ok also as
long as the mission plays an important part in the story)

Should be one or two chapters. Rating whatever you like. Not slash, please.
Ok to be comedy, angst, romance, drama - you name it. May be year 5 or
beyond. May include any other characters that you wish. Sirius may be free
or a fugitive in hiding still. Severus may still be a spy or not. (Sorry,
Remus is still a werewolf.)

Stipulations: At some time in the story Sirius Black gets kissed by a man.
(Yes, that's right, I said not slash.)

Severus gets kissed by no fewer than four different women. (Hard to imagine,
I know, but it is a challenge after all.)

Remus must discover a very important piece of information about Snape's past,
good or bad.

One of them must have a conversation with the sorting hat.

Someone in the story must say "I'm getting too old for this shit." (Bleep it
if you have to for rating)

At least one person must get substantially drunk.

Remus must demonstrate/use his knowledge of Defense in some way.

Severus must make/use a unique potion.

Sirius must save someone's life.

Every character in the story must say the name 'Harry Potter' once

Get Down, Get Down Tonight

It was dark by the time the train pulled into the station and came to a stop at plate form 9 and ¾ . All three wizards looked a little groggy as they stumbled off the coach, even Black who was in his canine form. Since they knew they would be up most of the night all three had scattered into different compartments to rest for a few hours but not after convincing themselves that their cubicles were securely locked and booby trapped for unwelcome intruders.

The mission that night was simple on the surface: investigate Death Eater activity. Yet under the first layer was where the complications lay. For example: Black could not be seen by any of the wizarding community and he had to be cautious in the muggle one because his status was still "wanted". Snape also couldn't be as much as help as he would have liked since he was not spying and didn't know exactly where to begin their intricate search, although he had a few ideas.

Currently each had approaching one thousand in a combination of muggle and wizard money. To start off they had wandered around Knockturn Ally and the rest of Diagon Ally and found nothing of interest, which was a rather remarkable bearing in mind it was a Friday night. The usual freaks in Knockturn were nothing out of the ordinary and while scary to behold they were no real threat to the populace as a whole. At around eleven the three could be found congregating just inside the entrance to the legendary ally. Black was panting next to Lupin who was clad in shabby apparel, and Snape was sporting his usual black while looking sour, so, so far, all was routine.

"Perhaps we should try the 'Rat's Nest'. The Dark Lord was using the back last time to entertain his followers."

"Isn't that a muggle place? I don't recognize the name," Lupin asked.

"And of course we know you're exceptionally familiar with all the wizard bars and clubs."

A sigh, "Is it muggle or not?"

"Yes."

"But then-"

"Exactly." The eyebrow was raised and you could practically hear the 'duh' floating in the air. 

"Alright." Lupin agreed, "It's not like we have a multitude of other plans." Snape took this opportunity to look Black over, "I do believe there's a sign on the door that says no shoes, no shirt, no service." Black let out a little growl and half hearted snap before trudging back through the barrier into the muggle world with Snape smirking behind.

"Don't you think its a little low to make snide remarks about him when he can't answer?" Snape decided not to reply.

******

Once they were in muggle London Black transformed back into his human self and gave a sneer to Snape. Lupin kept the peace by not so tactfully placing himself between the two. Each of them had to abandon their wizard robes in exchange for muggle attire before they could travel very far. Lupin wore simple jeans, a white to-shirt and a jean jacket. Black chose black pants and a heavy, black sweater with a hood and a pocket in the front were he could comfortably rest his hands when the urge to place them around Snape's neck arose; his hair was loosely tired back. Snape settled on white slacks, a black turtle neck and a longish black, trench coat, his hair left down as usual.

******

Inside the sound of slot machines, muffled chatter and the occasional moan set the mood perfectly for a night of gambling and risk. Without speaking about it before hand they all split up as they entered, confident they would each have more success unaccompanied. One couldn't just simply saunter into the back after all even if one was a wizard. Black couldn't even find the apparently cleverly hidden doorway. Five minutes later the welcoming sound of dice rolling across a surface attracted his attention to the craps table across the room. A group of about twelve people were gathered around it. The group consisted of both sexes and they were companions and enemies alike. There were groans and cheers as the player in possession of the all powerful dice cast them over the table a second time only to come up with a disappointingly easy to achieve nine. Black zigzagged his way over to them; it had been a long time since he had enjoyed a good game of craps and resolved to indulge himself.

An hour and a half later he was six hundred dollars poorer and at war with the all powerful dice. At first he had done well but as he had wagered higher and higher he began to lose more and more.

"I'm getting too old for this shit." He threw a bitter look over at Snape who seemed to be enjoying himself immensely; and who wouldn't be in his current position? He was playing poker (a game he had always favored), was winning and had four females hovering around him in varying states of awe. The man he was playing with didn't look as impressed with Snape's skill as the women were and his lip was curling most unpleasantly. As Snape laid down a full house and a superior smirk crept over his features the other man decided to display his distaste by blowing a puff of smoke into the wizard's face.

"Oh! What do you plan to do with all that money?" purred a beautiful blonde off to his left as Snape scrapped the money off the table into a little bag. He gave her an arrogant half smile, "I'm not sure. Maybe you can help me. Have any ideas?" To answer his question she gave him a full kiss on the lips. The other girls took their cue from their partner in crime and followed suit. From the bar Black and Snape's poker partner let out identical groans of disgust.

Meanwhile Lupin had been strolling around the respectful establishment a little more focused on the mission than his associates. So far he hadn't glimpsed anything that even resembled something or someone of Voldemort's. He had come to the conclusion that while Snape may have been right about the Dark Lord using the Rat's Nest in the last war he had obviously moved to another location to conduct and carry out his nefarious deeds this time around. His was about to go and collect his wayward friends when he pasted a slot machine in a partly concealed corner. Digging into his pockets Lupin produced a coin. Why not after all? Where was the harm, Snape and Sirius were having fun, why shouldn't he try this once? So he did. Nothing, it went clang when the button was pushed. The brightly coloured pictures on the slots came out to different varieties of fruits and that was it.

"Well that was fun…" Lupin thought sarcastically. He was about to walk away when an idea came to him. If there weren't any wizards here, as he strongly suspected there weren't, then that meant that there probably weren't any spells protecting these machines from magic either. He half turned to regard the contraption. The Ministry was far too busy with their little Grim Reaper wonna be's to be concerned with someone tampering with a muggle device in one of the sleaziest parts of London. Lupin turned all the way back around, pulled out his wand and cast his spell. At first nothing happened then a split second later the alarms began to go off. The machine, which had looked so innocent before, now looked sinister as it began glowing to indicate to its guardians that it was the victim and they should concentrate their attention on anyone within ten feet of it. Lupin began walking away very quickly trying to be unnoticeable but had no such luck as a finger was rudely pointed in his direction and yelling filled the air, something along the lines of, "It was him! Stop him!" Lupin gave up the pretense of being blameless and took off at a dead run.

Black had not left the bar yet and had witnessed all the commotion his friend had managed to stir up. Without giving it too much thought he hit the lights and bathed the room in darkness. There were a few screams and everyone whirled around in confusion. Black made for the door trusting that his cohorts would have the wits to head for the streets as well. This may bring the Ministry down on them believing this to be another act of violence by You-Know-Who.

Lupin had been more than thankful when the artificial night had descended down around them. He suspected it was Sirius to who he would have to show gratitude to later for saving his life. He didn't slow his pace as he could see just fine in the dark thanks to his werewolf counter part and rapidly proceeded to Snape's table. The other wizard had shoved his winnings into his pockets and was looking around for the nearest exit. As he came closer he grabbed the taller man's arm and led him to the door just as one of the employees managed to get the lights back on.

*****

They stopped running approximately three blocks from the club. The two wizards mirrored each other as they leaned against the wall to catch their collective breaths.

"What happened?" Snape finally barked.

"Nothing, just a little misunderstanding," Lupin lied, he wasn't about to admit his blunder to Snape.

"Concerning what?"

"Don't worry about it. Come on Severus, we need to find Sirius."

"Why?" Snape inquired but followed Lupin back around the corner nevertheless. At first they walked in silence, being sure to pull their coats up higher around their necks as police cars cruised by. Not that it would really be a real problem if they were caught but the Ministry would want to know why the muggle police force would be after them in the first place and that would just lead to more trouble. They both thought it best not to draw attention to themselves in the first place, though Snape was quick to point out that it was Lupin's fault and not his that anyone was pursuing them.

"I believe Black went in this direction."

"How do you know that?"

"Just trust me." Agitation again.

"That old vampire blood doing its job?" Lupin meant it as an insult "disguised" as a joke. Snape however didn't take it that way.

"You could say that."

 "Really! You're a vampire?!" Lupin's stomach felt as though he had missed a step going downstairs.

"No!"

"Well then-"

"A shall now borrow a phrase from yourself. Don't worry about it."

 "Shouldn't have surprised me really I mean after all we all know about your one going quarrel with sunlight." He didn't want to let the "conversation" stop because then he would have to endure the oppressive silence that seemed to follow Snape around wherever he went.

"So how did this happen, some distant family member no one talks about?"

Lupin was spared the insult we all knew was coming and he rightly deserved as both spotted their missing pain in the ass and friend respectfully cross the street and go into a bar on the other side. They were about to follow him when they observed a young man walking in just behind Black. To the untrained eye he was doing nothing more criminal then going into a bar at one in the morning but Snape and Lupin both saw in a minute that he was magical (might have had something to do with the plaid pants and tee shirt with the Nazi symbol on it) as well as trailing Black. They quickened their pace and reached the bar in short order.

They didn't see either chap at first since the bar was, as most bars are, dimly lit and smoke filled due to their costumer's wish to make anyone who didn't share their view that all doctors are quacks, as miserable as possible, or at least that was Snape's opinion. When they did finally locate Black he was in the last pose they had expected. Sitting on a bar stool which was turned to face his new friend who he was presently in a lip lock with. Snape and Lupin came forward, though Lupin was a little hesitant not knowing quite how he was going to handle this, deliberating whether or not they wanted privacy. Snape on the other hand was not burdened by such tact and thoughtfulness and so had no decision to make. The glint of silver in the man's other hand (the hand not holding Black's face) was what made up his mind. In an instant he had his wand out and was racing toward his comrade. A quick transfiguration spell later and the knife was a harmless thimble and the man was in a headlock.

"Well, well I must say I might have guessed." Snape appeared unmoved by the scene which had just taken place and was not about to let a little thing like his chosen victim having a near death experience deprive him the joy of verbally abusing Black when such a perfect opportunity presented itself. Sadly it was wasted on said victim who looked mortified. Lupin went to his longtime friend's side for a whispered conference pointedly excluding their shared rival. Snape decided to save his slander for a later time when Black was more susceptible to it.

*****

A door was thrown open and a body tossed out and left where it had landed illuminated by a beam of light from inside. It had been confirmed that the man was most definitely a Death Eater. Black looked down at the young male and felt as though everything was right in his world again. Snape and Lupin were behind him both glad that the night had not been an entire waste. Although Snape mused that he had managed to get at least one phone number for later reference, she might be a muggle but she also wasn't hard to impress.

"Who are you?" Black demanded. The young man spat on the ground, the three spies resisted the urge to groan. Then Snape was able to take charge with the aid of a plan. He dug into his pocket and pulled out a vial, "Lupin run in and retrieve some beer." Lupin looked a little affronted, "You could at least say please," he muttered but it was the only complaint he made as he turned back into the bar.

"What's that?" Black asked suspiciously.

"It's for our friend. It enhances the charm of drink and makes them become drunk faster. One bottle and he'll be feeling like he's consumed six." Snape applied the potion and Lupin returned swiftly with three beer bottles in his hand. Snape eyed the man on the ground as Black held him.

"Judging from his height and weight I would say only one or two at the most will be sufficient."

"How do we get him to drink it?" Black asked.

"I think we should avoid spells for now. Hold his nose," Lupin said, "and he'll have to breath sometime when he does we can get some down his throat." Neither Black nor Snape made any sound of protest to this idea besides a small snort from the former Death Eater. It took a few tries but in the end they estimated that the man had swallowed maybe about half a bottle which evidently would be enough. The guy was more receptive to the alcohol then they could have ever hoped for. The three interrogators surrounded their quarry and began to question him.

"I'm…dan…dangerous ya hear!" The drunken man slurred trying to get up and ultimately stumbling over his own feet, "I'm a Death…Eater."

"We figured as much. Who are you?"

"I'm the King of the world!" There were sighs from the surrounding sober men. 

"We'll come back to that. What were you hoping to accomplish by kissing me?" Black forced himself to keep his voice calm and business like. The young Death Eater, in his state of drunkenness, had fallen to using a rough lower class accent.

"Well, see now…I'm a sexy beast," this was stated as if it was a fact, "And…my Lord thought you might have some…in-for-mation on…Harry Potter. So I was to go…seduce you into telling me…what ya know." The man hiccupped and giggled.

"What kind of information did he want?"

"Um….just stuff. Whatever ya told me."

"What are Voldemort's plans for Harry Potter?" Lupin asked.

"He's going to chop 'im up and put 'im in a stew…and there's nutin you can do 'bout it."

"You mean he's going to use Harry Potter for a potion?" Snape asked.

"…………………..yeah…..no….I don't know nutin."

"I can see that for myself." Snape said in disgust. He was starting to have second thoughts concerning the brilliance of his plan.

"You'll tell me what Voldemort has planned for Harry or so help me I'll-"

"Harry who?"

"Harry Potter!" Black bellowed. 

"Not so loud! I know who Harry Potter is! He's that kid with the cut!"

"Scar," Lupin automatically corrected him.

"Where is Voldemort now?"

"Over the river…and through the woods…to the Lord's…evil base I go…" The gentlemen winced. Snape could have sworn he had never heard anyone sing so off pitch before in his entire life.

"Whatever. I gotta go." The man tried to get up again. The other wizards tensed to stop him but they needn't have wasted their energy as the young man fell again. As he was scrambling around on the pavement Lupin voiced his opinion that, "I think we should just summon the Aurors and call it a night." The other men nodded in weary agreement.

******

Later back at Hogwarts the tired wizards sat around the fire in the Headmaster's office while they waited for him. It was going on two thirty and not a one of them had the energy to bicker. This meant that Snape was again forced to postpone his attack on Black's dignity via oral cruelty.

The door opened and the Headmaster waltzed in looking better than a man of his considerable age had a right to at that time of night. First he informed them that he was very pleased with their work and that the "King of the World" had been picked up and taken into custody by the proper law enforcement officers.

"They found him at the corner of Delancy Street where had splinched himself." The three wizards in front of him each gave their own version of discomfort that the image brought forth but he ignored them, "The only thing we need is the name of the bar in which you found him. Now don't worry I haven't told the Aurors anything about you three I just said that I had some contacts who may know. They didn't need to give him any truth potions since he was babbling about his being a Death Eater and Harry Potter when they found him." They all racked their brains trying to remember the name of the bar. Each had glanced at it as they went in but none had retained it in his memory.

"I'm afraid I can't recall Headmaster," The others shook their heads to indicate they were in the same state of mind as Snape.

"Oh dear," then Dumbledore smiled brightly, "well no matter, one of you just had to put the sorting hat on. Remember: there's nothing in your head the sorting hat can't see." Each eyed each other. Who was it going to be? When you were a child putting on the sorting hat wasn't really all that big a deal. After all what could you have done in your young life you really didn't want others to know? You hadn't committed any truly large sins like murder, you didn't really have an opinion of yourself yet, you hadn't been intimate with anyone, those sorts of things. All this changes when you got older. Now the sorting hat might try to put you in a different house and tell you things about yourself you just didn't want to hear.

"Rock, paper, scissors?" Dumbledore asked. Sighs and nods all around. The game was rather uneventful, except that Black was sure that Snape cheated. Snape retorted with the fair question of how anyone could cheat at Rock, paper, scissors and Lupin was the loser and so claimed he had never been any good at the game and they should play a different one but was overruled.

The sorting hat was lowered onto the semi-unwilling head.

"Lupin, Remus," the hat said, "My, my, it's been a long time." Lupin thought he felt a shiver go down his spine. He didn't know why but he had always found the sorting hat slightly menacing.

"Yes it has…um…I, well we, were just wandering it you could-"

"Find the name of the bar in your head?"

"Yes, thank you." The hat was silent for a moment. Lupin felt his head itch all over but fought the urge to scratch it.

"99 Bottles Bar."

"Thank you." He repeated the name out loud and was about to removed the hat from his head when, "By the way, that's quite an interesting fantasy you have there about-" Lupin pulled the hat off more hastily and was sure he was blushing when his face emerged from under the brim. Dumbledore sent them off after that saying they all needed their sleep. Black transformed and followed Lupin to the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher's quarters a position which Lupin had returned to instruct earlier in the year much to Snape's distress. Snape similarly swept off in the direction of his dungeon to catch a few hours sleep before his morning classes.

The End

Author's Note: Well I hope everyone found that to their satisfaction. I know on my end a good time was had by all. ^_^