Grissom's feet carried him back to his office where he closed the door and sat in the dark. He couldn't help but think that his questioning didn't go well. When Preston asked about Sara, he got defensive and was unable to hide his feelings of contempt for Jarod Morse. That was the first time that happened in a very long time. Then the images came. He never told Sara but he had nightmares about her that were most unpleasant. She lay on the cold slab in the morgue because he didn't get there in time. He had to hear her voice; alive. He reached for the phone but a knock on the door stopped him from dialing.
"Come in." He called placing the phone back.
Catherine poked her head in. "Hey Gil. You don't look so good." She came to sit in the chair in front of his desk while he rubbed his temples.
"Well it hasn't been a great day."
"It's just an inquiry Grissom." She said trying to comfort him. Little did she know but he already had someone to comfort him.
"I know but they lead to investigations."
She sighed. "Yeah well you have nothing to worry about, because you didn't do anything wrong."
"Why does everyone keep telling me that?!" He snapped. His eyes fell to his desk. "Sorry."
"No need to apologize. It has been rough for all of us."
"Why are you here so early anyway?" He said going to his pet spider to feed him. He had to get back on track.
"I have a date with the executioner in interrogation room one." She looked at her watch. "I am actually late."
"Then you should go. He might think I am coaching you." He replied dryly.
She stood up and ran a hand through her hair. "The truth doesn't need coaching." She gave him a warm smile of reassurance.
"Thanks Cath."
She nodded and turned to leave but stopped at the door, with an evil grin on her face. "How is Sara by the way?"
"Uh. What do mean?"
"You took her home but never came back. How is she?"
"She was doing a lot better this morning."
"This morning?" Her smile became harder to control.
Oh great he thought, I just gave us away; just think quick. "Yeah. She wasn't feeling well last night and I decided it was best if I didn't leave her alone." Catherine raised an eyebrow so he continued. "Um. Hey thanks for taking over the shift. I am surprised McFadden didn't grill me on that one."
"Well when you didn't show back up I kind of knew Sara probably needed you, so I lied and said you were in the field." She gave him another half-smile.
"Oh."
"You should go home and get some rest. Some time alone can clear your thoughts."
The thought was appealing. He was exhausted and the good rest might make him put things into prospective. "I just might do that."
"Well that's the first time you've taken my advice about work."
"There is a first for everything."
~ * ~
He never got to speak to Sara because she never picked up her phone. He thought about trying her cell but decided to go back to his place and let her sleep in. She didn't need his troubles and he didn't want to put it all on her anyway. He needed to talk to her but he dreaded what thought he needed to be said.
When he entered his townhouse the first thing he noticed was the smell of cooking. A very stunned Grissom found Sara in his kitchen bent over the stove. She turned when she heard him drop his things.
"Hey. Food is ready." She said simply. "Before you ask, yes I know how to cook spaghetti. I even heated some precooked meatballs just for you. If they were raw I think you would have to do without though."
He just stared at her as she spoke. Sara was in his home, cooking dinner, even meat just for him. He couldn't help but sound shocked. "What are you doing here?"
"Making you something to eat." She limped over to him. "You're lucky I can walk or you would have to starve." She captured his lips with hers, but before he could really kiss her to make the moment last as long as possible she pulled away. "It's ready."
He flopped down at the kitchen table. "You didn't have to do this Sara."
"You look tired." She said ignoring his lecture. It worked.
"I am. Let's just say it didn't go very well."
"Don't think about it. Just eat." She set a plate of steaming spaghetti with meatballs in front of him.
He grabbed her hand before she walked away. He turned it over and stared at the fresh gauze. She started to get annoyed. This infatuation with her stitches wasn't exactly helping either one of them. "Gil stop."
He released her wrist as soon as she said it. "Sorry."
Just like that the world went quiet. He couldn't hear the refrigerator humming or the fan over the stove running. More importantly he couldn't hear Sara talking to him as she made herself a plate. He knew she was talking the whole time because when she turned around, she appeared to be in mid-sentence. He watched her lips but no sound reached his ears.
She sat down across from him. "Gil it will be okay. I've been thinking..." She looked at him for a moment and realized he was staring at her lips. "Gil?"
He picked out his name on her lips and would give anything to hear it again. "I can't hear you Sara." He said simply in defeat. "I didn't hear a word you just said."
She began to move her lips slowly. "It's okay. Let's just forget..."
He concentrated on her eyes so he wouldn't compulsively read her lips. "Don't bother." He said coldly.
Sara knew that Grissom preferred lip reading to sign language because it was less obvious that he couldn't hear. She knew he felt useless and vulnerable when he couldn't hear, but she wasn't going to let him do this alone. Like the other lapses they would pass, until it did she began to sign.
"Sara stop!" He yelled. He was frustrated and irritated by this disability and took it all out on her.
She actually jumped when he yelled at her, like if he physically struck her. He never yelled at her like that. He never sounded so angry. The previous arguments had a frustrated tone, but never pure anger. She dropped her hands to her lap and tried to blink back the tears.
As quickly as it left, the sound of the world came rushing to his ears just in time to catch her last word but her actions spoke much louder.
"...leaving." She stood up in a hurry and rushed for the door before he could see her crying.
He leapt from his chair so fast that it crashed to the floor. "Sara wait!"
"No Gil!" She said spinning around. The tears ran freely down her face. "If you want to talk you know where to find me."
It pained him to see her crying because he hurt her. "Please, I can hear you now."
She seemed somewhat relieved but the hurt in her eyes did not leave. "Well I am so glad that only you get to pick the times to talk, but I am going."
He grabbed her arm. "Don't leave. Sara, I am sorry." She turned around and he released her arm. "It's not easy to know that I won't always be able to hear you. I don't want to lose you."
"Gil when are you going to understand that I won't leave you? I love you!" She shouted to make him understand. "You don't know, maybe the surgery can stop this."
He scoffed. "There is a good chance that it won't."
"I will still be here!"
He flinched as her shrill voice hurt his ears. "But you shouldn't be." He whispered.
"What?" She almost laughed at his absurdity.
"I am too old for you Sara. My hearing is just proof of that. I don't deserve you. You need..."
"Why is this suddenly bothering you?" She interrupted.
"It's not sudden; fifteen years is a long time."
"This isn't happening." She turned away from him in frustration. She took a deep breath and turned back to him. "Age has nothing to do with us. You are too smart to know that age and health have nothing to do with love."
He kept his head lowered. Love. That's why it hurt so much to say what he had to because he loved her. He had to say it. It was safer this way. Safer for both of them.
"I think we should stop seeing each other." The words stung his ears.
tbc...