The Crazy New Defense Against Dark Arts Teacher, Bonnie McGonagall
By Aimi
Time Setting: 5th year
Thanks for the review!!
~*~
Bonnie idly nibbled on the end of her quill. So far she had met every teacher, including the freak upstairs who thinks all her silly predictions will come true.
The door of her office opened.
She raised a eyebrow, her face looked to be amused. "Peeves is it?"
Peeves sang a silly little diddy about Bonnie and tried throwing her nice collection of wild hair colored troll dolls, which luckily she caught. He was about to leave when he was turned to ice.
The ice chunked Peeves hit the ground and she snickered. "Thought you were untouchable, huh? Nobody gets away with touching my troll dolls without some sort of punishment!!"
The iced look on Peeves face was an Kodak moment. "All right, I'll be nice and let you out, cream puff. But if you ever mess up GI Joe troll's buzz cut again, you'll regret it."
~*~
An hour later from her little ice party, a knock came at her door.
"It's open." She called from her seat on the floor.
The door open to have a very important ghost come in. "Mr. Peeves is suing you for emotional trauma."
Bonnie spitted out her long island tea. "Trauma my foot! He came in here insulting me!"
The ghost shoved her some papers. "So do you want to pay for the damages or go to Paranormal Court?"
She stood up and rolled her eyes. "No, I'm not paying psycho nympho freak nothin'."
The ghost got all huffed up and walked out saying she'd regret this, which she answered with a kiss my a--....too explicit for you all to know.
~*~
Bonnie ran into the dining hall like Voldemort was hot on her tail. "QUICK! I NEED A PARANORMAL LAWYER!!!!" She ran up to every care taker, teacher, ghost, cat, owl, suit of armor, and even asked Hargid's pumpkins (They didn't say anything, cause there pumpkins...duh).
Her Aunt stood up from her place at dinner. "Professor McGonagall, what has gotten into you?"
Bonnie nibbled on her finger nails and hummed the theme from the Titanic. "Hmm? What?"
Everyone was quiet as they watch the McGonagalls. Heck, Professor Dumbledore said this was better then the Muggle's Osborne Family, which confused the others who had never seen muggle telly.
Minerva made a exasperated sound. "Why were you yelling for a paranormal attorney? Goodness, Hagrid told me you went into he's garden harassing he's plants about it."
Bonnie twitch, she couldn't keep still. "And they were so rude! They did not give me any sort of answer!"
Hagrid got a little mad at that. "Teh'not rude, yer mad that's what!"
Bonnie looked at her nice black loafers trying to remember what color socks she was wearing, so she pulled up her robes and saw one pink sock and one lime green. "Oooh pretty...."
A piece of paper slipped out of her robe, which she didn't notice. So Minerva picked up and read it, hoping it was a note stating that Bonnie was crazy and needed to be placed in a home, but alas no. "WHAT!?"
Bonnie blinked. "Yah? Oh! I need a paranormal lawyer, I'm being sued by Peeves."
Argus clapped his hands. "I was wondering why Peeves won't leave the third floor. Good job."
Minerva gave him a sharp glare and Bonnie nodded happily, saying she was happy to be of service.
~*~
A week and a paranormal trial later.
Colin joined Harry, Ron, and Hermione from there car on the train going towards Hogwarts. "How's it going, Harry?" He said, still awed by Harry even after all these years.
And Harry answered the question as he always did and Colin seemed not to care if he's answer came out in mono tone.
"Heard about the new DADA professor?" He asked cheerfully.
Before anyone could say anything, Hermione was running off a long list of things the new professor did, most of it was boring.
An hour later and Colin repeated he's question. "No?"
"She's mad as they come." Dawdled the voice of Draco Malfoy, behind him Crabbe and Goyle. "She's McGonagalls' niece."
Everyone groaned and rolled there eyes.
Malfoy's sneer dropped quickly and was replaced by surprise. "What?!"
"Don't you ever get tired of this little game you play every single year?" Asked a bored Harry.
Colin turned he's camera towards Malfoy, flashed him, and company with he's empty camera. Everyone flinched.
Ron angrily grabbed the camera away from Colin. "Your just mad with this thing!"
They all looked back to see what Malfoy's wrath was to be, but he was gone.
Ron looked at Harry. "That was weird."
Harry nodded in agreement.
~*~
Meanwhile....
Bonnie had spent since early that morning trying to get her troll doll's bright pink hair looking like a punk rocker. Sadly as mini Simons said, it was the 'N'Stink' do.
"Fine, be that way, troll!" She waved her wand and had the Troll look like it was mooning people. "So you get the terrible job as the eternal mooner of DADA class. That ought to teach you." Which the mini Simons applauded.
She picked up her long island tea and sipped it, looking happily at her personalized classroom.
Literal. Her name flashed on the walls, ceiling, chairs, bookshelf, desks, anywhere.
~*~
Sorting and Dinner...
Harry tried to see where the new DADA teacher was, but everyone was moving around so much that it was hard to see anyone.
"Do you think she's anything like her aunt?" Asked Lee Jordan as he downed a goblet of juice.
Another spoke up. "I heard if you make a slightly mistake, she turns you into a troll doll!"
That got a gasps out of a few first years and they all paled.
Ron gulped and Hermione rolled her eyes. "She does not." Hermione said firmly. "That would get her into big trouble with Dumbledore."
~*~
Harry and friends entered the DADA classroom to be met with the words Bonnie and McGonagall all over the place.
They sat down, the professor wasn't there yet.
"Boy she must have a ego bigger then Lockhart...." Ron said as he looked at the flashing words.
Seamus pointed to the mooning troll on the desk. "Is it mooning us?"
Hermione rolled her eyes and started reading a book from her bag.
The door to the class room opened, it's hinges even squeaked 'Bonnie McGongall!' and they all got very quiet.
The DADA teacher was tall and willowy in a robe of lavender with embroidered white lilies, her glasses were silver framed and round, her face was freckled, her long hair dark brown hair had pale blue highlights through out it.
"I love you robes!" Someone commented.
She smiled as she sat at her appointed place. "Thank you." She picked some lent off it. "It picks up everything, but money."
That got a chuckle out of the class.
She waved her wand and all the Bonnie McGonagall stuff was gone. "Quick quiz!" She passed around the quiz, which had one question.
What's my name?
A. Bonnie
B. Betty
C. Minerva
D. Google.Com
E. FanFiction.Net
It took them all real quick to complete it and she seemed really pleased when they all answered quickly. "Ten points to Gryffindor!"
She leaned on her desk. "Okay who here has ever owned a Dorkness Halfafoot?"
Everyone chuckled at the name.
She picked up a cage from behind her desk. "Ugly here is not laughing matter." She removed the cloth that was on the cage, which let out a nasty rotten egg smell. "They stink and they are not good for pets. Anyone want to pet Bert?"
Bert the Dorkness Halfafoot, stood on one thin leg, had short stubby arms, three long noses, long droopy ears, and was fuzzy with black and brown hair.
No one raised there hands. "Good, 'cause then you'll stink too. Dogs are trained to protect there owners, well the Dorkness Halfafoot does that too. They can sense a bad wizard or dark magic from several miles off. Does anyone know what they do when they sense things like that?"
Hermione's hand shot up. "They start to shed and wail."
Bonnie nodded. "Correct. Here is your assignments, you each take care of Bert here, until you each have done one day of it. Remember to use long gloves when handling him, you all will get a parchment of a how to care for him." She scanned the class room looking for her first target. "You there who looks like they need a hair cut."
Harry pointed to himself. "Me?"
Bonnie rolled her eyes. "No, yes I mean you. What's your name?"
"Harry Potter."
Bonnie nodded. "Potter dude, you get to start us with the great Dorkness Halfafoot care project. Why am I making you do this? So when you get older you can get a one these babies and know how to care for them. You care for them and they'll protect you."
She looked at her wrist watch. "Class is over. Potter-man, come up front."
Harry walked up to the front, he had a feeling he was going to regret this.
~*~
TBC in chapter two!
Review please!! Please!!
By Aimi
Time Setting: 5th year
Thanks for the review!!
~*~
Bonnie idly nibbled on the end of her quill. So far she had met every teacher, including the freak upstairs who thinks all her silly predictions will come true.
The door of her office opened.
She raised a eyebrow, her face looked to be amused. "Peeves is it?"
Peeves sang a silly little diddy about Bonnie and tried throwing her nice collection of wild hair colored troll dolls, which luckily she caught. He was about to leave when he was turned to ice.
The ice chunked Peeves hit the ground and she snickered. "Thought you were untouchable, huh? Nobody gets away with touching my troll dolls without some sort of punishment!!"
The iced look on Peeves face was an Kodak moment. "All right, I'll be nice and let you out, cream puff. But if you ever mess up GI Joe troll's buzz cut again, you'll regret it."
~*~
An hour later from her little ice party, a knock came at her door.
"It's open." She called from her seat on the floor.
The door open to have a very important ghost come in. "Mr. Peeves is suing you for emotional trauma."
Bonnie spitted out her long island tea. "Trauma my foot! He came in here insulting me!"
The ghost shoved her some papers. "So do you want to pay for the damages or go to Paranormal Court?"
She stood up and rolled her eyes. "No, I'm not paying psycho nympho freak nothin'."
The ghost got all huffed up and walked out saying she'd regret this, which she answered with a kiss my a--....too explicit for you all to know.
~*~
Bonnie ran into the dining hall like Voldemort was hot on her tail. "QUICK! I NEED A PARANORMAL LAWYER!!!!" She ran up to every care taker, teacher, ghost, cat, owl, suit of armor, and even asked Hargid's pumpkins (They didn't say anything, cause there pumpkins...duh).
Her Aunt stood up from her place at dinner. "Professor McGonagall, what has gotten into you?"
Bonnie nibbled on her finger nails and hummed the theme from the Titanic. "Hmm? What?"
Everyone was quiet as they watch the McGonagalls. Heck, Professor Dumbledore said this was better then the Muggle's Osborne Family, which confused the others who had never seen muggle telly.
Minerva made a exasperated sound. "Why were you yelling for a paranormal attorney? Goodness, Hagrid told me you went into he's garden harassing he's plants about it."
Bonnie twitch, she couldn't keep still. "And they were so rude! They did not give me any sort of answer!"
Hagrid got a little mad at that. "Teh'not rude, yer mad that's what!"
Bonnie looked at her nice black loafers trying to remember what color socks she was wearing, so she pulled up her robes and saw one pink sock and one lime green. "Oooh pretty...."
A piece of paper slipped out of her robe, which she didn't notice. So Minerva picked up and read it, hoping it was a note stating that Bonnie was crazy and needed to be placed in a home, but alas no. "WHAT!?"
Bonnie blinked. "Yah? Oh! I need a paranormal lawyer, I'm being sued by Peeves."
Argus clapped his hands. "I was wondering why Peeves won't leave the third floor. Good job."
Minerva gave him a sharp glare and Bonnie nodded happily, saying she was happy to be of service.
~*~
A week and a paranormal trial later.
Colin joined Harry, Ron, and Hermione from there car on the train going towards Hogwarts. "How's it going, Harry?" He said, still awed by Harry even after all these years.
And Harry answered the question as he always did and Colin seemed not to care if he's answer came out in mono tone.
"Heard about the new DADA professor?" He asked cheerfully.
Before anyone could say anything, Hermione was running off a long list of things the new professor did, most of it was boring.
An hour later and Colin repeated he's question. "No?"
"She's mad as they come." Dawdled the voice of Draco Malfoy, behind him Crabbe and Goyle. "She's McGonagalls' niece."
Everyone groaned and rolled there eyes.
Malfoy's sneer dropped quickly and was replaced by surprise. "What?!"
"Don't you ever get tired of this little game you play every single year?" Asked a bored Harry.
Colin turned he's camera towards Malfoy, flashed him, and company with he's empty camera. Everyone flinched.
Ron angrily grabbed the camera away from Colin. "Your just mad with this thing!"
They all looked back to see what Malfoy's wrath was to be, but he was gone.
Ron looked at Harry. "That was weird."
Harry nodded in agreement.
~*~
Meanwhile....
Bonnie had spent since early that morning trying to get her troll doll's bright pink hair looking like a punk rocker. Sadly as mini Simons said, it was the 'N'Stink' do.
"Fine, be that way, troll!" She waved her wand and had the Troll look like it was mooning people. "So you get the terrible job as the eternal mooner of DADA class. That ought to teach you." Which the mini Simons applauded.
She picked up her long island tea and sipped it, looking happily at her personalized classroom.
Literal. Her name flashed on the walls, ceiling, chairs, bookshelf, desks, anywhere.
~*~
Sorting and Dinner...
Harry tried to see where the new DADA teacher was, but everyone was moving around so much that it was hard to see anyone.
"Do you think she's anything like her aunt?" Asked Lee Jordan as he downed a goblet of juice.
Another spoke up. "I heard if you make a slightly mistake, she turns you into a troll doll!"
That got a gasps out of a few first years and they all paled.
Ron gulped and Hermione rolled her eyes. "She does not." Hermione said firmly. "That would get her into big trouble with Dumbledore."
~*~
Harry and friends entered the DADA classroom to be met with the words Bonnie and McGonagall all over the place.
They sat down, the professor wasn't there yet.
"Boy she must have a ego bigger then Lockhart...." Ron said as he looked at the flashing words.
Seamus pointed to the mooning troll on the desk. "Is it mooning us?"
Hermione rolled her eyes and started reading a book from her bag.
The door to the class room opened, it's hinges even squeaked 'Bonnie McGongall!' and they all got very quiet.
The DADA teacher was tall and willowy in a robe of lavender with embroidered white lilies, her glasses were silver framed and round, her face was freckled, her long hair dark brown hair had pale blue highlights through out it.
"I love you robes!" Someone commented.
She smiled as she sat at her appointed place. "Thank you." She picked some lent off it. "It picks up everything, but money."
That got a chuckle out of the class.
She waved her wand and all the Bonnie McGonagall stuff was gone. "Quick quiz!" She passed around the quiz, which had one question.
What's my name?
A. Bonnie
B. Betty
C. Minerva
D. Google.Com
E. FanFiction.Net
It took them all real quick to complete it and she seemed really pleased when they all answered quickly. "Ten points to Gryffindor!"
She leaned on her desk. "Okay who here has ever owned a Dorkness Halfafoot?"
Everyone chuckled at the name.
She picked up a cage from behind her desk. "Ugly here is not laughing matter." She removed the cloth that was on the cage, which let out a nasty rotten egg smell. "They stink and they are not good for pets. Anyone want to pet Bert?"
Bert the Dorkness Halfafoot, stood on one thin leg, had short stubby arms, three long noses, long droopy ears, and was fuzzy with black and brown hair.
No one raised there hands. "Good, 'cause then you'll stink too. Dogs are trained to protect there owners, well the Dorkness Halfafoot does that too. They can sense a bad wizard or dark magic from several miles off. Does anyone know what they do when they sense things like that?"
Hermione's hand shot up. "They start to shed and wail."
Bonnie nodded. "Correct. Here is your assignments, you each take care of Bert here, until you each have done one day of it. Remember to use long gloves when handling him, you all will get a parchment of a how to care for him." She scanned the class room looking for her first target. "You there who looks like they need a hair cut."
Harry pointed to himself. "Me?"
Bonnie rolled her eyes. "No, yes I mean you. What's your name?"
"Harry Potter."
Bonnie nodded. "Potter dude, you get to start us with the great Dorkness Halfafoot care project. Why am I making you do this? So when you get older you can get a one these babies and know how to care for them. You care for them and they'll protect you."
She looked at her wrist watch. "Class is over. Potter-man, come up front."
Harry walked up to the front, he had a feeling he was going to regret this.
~*~
TBC in chapter two!
Review please!! Please!!