"And we're off!! And it's Jeff Burch running nearest to the rail with an early lead, followed by Bob Hoskins and Terry Wogan's left behind! Oh... no wait.... he's dead...never mind. And Burch wins!! (Hurray!!)" The crowd went wild and all laughed at the dead Terry Wogan whose eye had slightly popped out....
Oh poor terry. Jeff Burch, walked over to him, and spit on his eye, making it jump in pain (as Jeff's spit was quite acidic) "OW, YOU BASTARD" it said. It was love at first sight for Jeff, so he put the eye in his pocket and they sailed away for a year and a day in a beautiful pea-green carcass. Terry's eye, was crying when he said.....
"Whatever happens, Jeff... we'll always have.... Scarborough!" "Hmmm, no, I'm bored with you now" replied Jeff, turfing the eye into the sea. "Damn you!" wailed the eye. "I guess I'll just have to go back to Radio 2!" And so he did. But Jeff was rather perturbed when an enormous inflatable donut pounced on his pea green carcass and said, "You, sir, are neither an owl, nor a pussycat! What do you have to say for yourself?" Well, said Jeff, sucking in helium...
"Oh look! Guess who I've turned into?" that's right!! Joe Pesquale!!! (No!!) "I'm going to annoy you and annoy you and annoy you until you let me take a big bite out of your big doughy inflatable ass! And the donut said, "Please just do it!! I hate you so much! You get right on my nerves!!" and so he did. However.....
Joe, underneath his annoying exterior was really a poor little puppy at heart that whimpered in his sleep. So he simply took out the donuts heart and rubbed the donuts face in it saying things like "mmm, yeah you like that bitch" in this way they became lovers and would enjoy their mutual love of macramé. But one day....
The donut said "Joe... I'm afraid...there's someone else." Joe's flabbers were indeed gasted, and he asked in disbelief "what? You've found someone as squeaky and dirty as me?" "Yes" the donut replied. His name is Rob Harvey, and he sings songs o' lovin' too. Oh, and he's northern. Bye Joe." And in a puff of Chanel No.5, the donut was gone...
The donut was in bed doing.... stuff with Rob Harvey when all of a sudden there was a knock at the door. The donut rolled on over to the door and opened it. DUN DUN DAH!!! It was Joe, and he'd brought a big mahusive machete thing. Joe walked in to discover Rob Harvey in his side of the bed and said "Here Rob, have some nice tasty roast beef" so they all sat down at the table and ate roast beef and ice cream (hurray!). But then....
the machete got pissed off at being ignored, he didn't want to simply be a trophy boyfriend, so he ran away crying bullets and found himself a new boyfriend (who was a golfing trophy). Joe was very sad. "Don't worry" said rob "ill find you a new man". The next day found Joe anxiously awaiting his blind date. Suddenly, in walked, like a vision, none other than ROB HARVEY!!!! OH NO! (Its like a bad soap opera) rob offered him a bar of soap and sang in an operatic manner how he had always loved him. Joe said....
"Wow! Two squeaky souls, together forever!" Our story now lurches, for no particular reason, to a small igloo in Antarctica, where a young Eskimo called Chazzamadoogle Brunt was attempting to unlock the secrets of the Pot Noodle. There was clearly more to it than blaming it on Big Dave. Beginning an ancient Canadian incantation entitled "Complicated", he summoned the ghost of Golden Wonder, who roared a lot, then asked, "Why have you summoned me?" Chazz replied...
"Because I really want to be Billy Piper and I want to take you by the hand and lead you through the streets of London. Then, just like that the ghost made his lifelong dream come true and turned Chazz into Billy Piper. Now, what with being such great friends with Jon Bon Jovi, Billy got lots of benefits...such as having a big stinky fat ugly husband called Chris Evans. This made her think....
"Wow I have a face like a pumpkin" but she didn't admit it. So she walked with her ginger love to the beach when what should they see but Rob Harvey and Joe Pesquali making sandcastles (---- desperate attempt the bring the story together) "oh no!" said Rob, now we have to kill you and eat you, so they did, and they tasted very nice. Joe suddenly turned to Rob and said "Rob, I love you, will you....
swat that fly please?" "Sure" said the sprightly Northern lad, obliging. "There". "You think I'm funny? How am I funny?" retorted Joe, suddenly very disagreeable. "Oh no!" said Rob. "I got my Joe's mixed up and took Pesci on holiday instead!" "Do I amuse you?" sneered Joe Pesci, now in full Goodfellas mode. As Rob's film trivia was quite poor, he didn't remember the scene. So he just said "bee ba da beep bap ba da da da beep bap etc." to intimidate him. Joe Pesci, was not amused, and responded by...
slapping him really hard in the side with a little cherry tomato. "Ouch!" exclaimed Rob. How dare you? "Because I'm Joe Pesci you little S.O.B! And what I say goes! Alright?" Rob felt very intimidated, and decided he'd run away and jump into a stream, joined by his dog friend Woolworth. Under the water there were lots and lots of water babies and Rob thought to himself......
"Oh dear, not another plot twist". In response to this crappy plot he grew a set of gills and swam merrily about, until one day he saw what looked like a really tasty maggot "ooh yummy" he thought and tucked in. suddenly he felt his whole body being dragged up. "Whoopee!" said the donut from earlier! (Ooh you didn't see that coming) "Caught one!" and he put rob up on his wall on an attractive mahogany backing. "Oh dear" thought rob "id better.....
get Carol Smillie and Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen to sort out this place! It's SO 1950s!" So, the two aforementioned celebrities turned up, accompanied by that bloke from Simply Red, who caused a distraction by singing "Fairground". During this rendition, Rob escaped, leaving the donut to the mercy of his 3 monstrous guests who made his life hell by...
covering him in zebra stripe pattern fur and calling him Nancy. This did not best please the donut so he decided to pop himself, and because his existence ending meant apocalypse coming, apocalypse came!! Everyone died, even you. THE END