With Darkness There'll Be Light

Eighteen - Falling To The Ground

Seamus was distraught when Sirius finally opened the door to his cave and allowed them all in. He claimed he'd been sleeping but from the sight of him, it looked like he'd merely been pacing up and down the cave in concentration.

They put Justin's body on one of the cushy sofas in the homey den and retreated to the well lit kitchen. Justin moved around on his own a bit, mostly like a person who was severely mentally challenged. Each time even just his finger moved, Seamus watched with horror as though it would all turn into a seizure. Justin was unresponsive when he was addressed and sometimes opened his mouth then immediately closed it.

A person can live without a soul, as long as they have their heart…but if given the choice, the entire fellowship would rather die than live like that. The pity in the room was stifling.

Seamus was hiccupping he had cried so much. It was as if the last few hours had finally hit him. He was in shock and he could feel the ugly hand of depression pushing down on him. He did the best he could to push back against it, but it was hard. His best friend was just about dead, maybe even worse than dead…and Ginny was not in stable condition. No one knew why this bothered Seamus so, but they didn't ask. Sirius made him a strong cup of tea (which he added a calming potion to) and clapped him on the back in a fatherly way. As Seamus drank the strongly flavored liquid, he could feel it burning down his throat and cursing through his veins; he felt better after only one sip.

Fred and George looked nervous and kept shooting glances at Ginny, who was continuing to fall in and out of consciousness. There was nothing any of them could do for her…she would get no help until the MediWizards arrived. Not only that, but none of them knew what was wrong with her in the first place.

Ron kept glancing at the window (that was magically altered to be able to see out the front door) for any sign of the rest of his fellowship. The more seconds that past, the more his hopes dwindled away.

Sirius did his best to keep hopes high, but he was worried himself. He'd gotten no word from the Ministry, and not even an owl from Dumbledore.

"So you left them there, by themselves, inside that…that place," Sirius stated once the fellowship had recounted all of the events that had happened since they'd left his hideout.

Ron looked sharply at Harry's Godfather, "We didn't have a choice!" he cried in his defense.

"Ron," said Sirius warmly, "I'm not blaming you. I'm only worried."

Ron closed his eyes, took a deep breath and then opened them again. He looked more weary than the rest of them put together, and he seemed to be floating between desperate crying and outraged anger. His hair was sticking up in odd angles and the circles under his eyes were deep and well defined against the paleness of his cheeks.

Suddenly the sound of striking lightning shattered through the cave, rumbling like thunder it shook the ground, and the lights flickered before dying out completely. Sirius looked around in the dark, letting his night vision set in. Ginny's eyes flew open and she gasped loudly. Fred put a hand dismissively on her forearm; she didn't cringe away.

The fellowship sat silently, Seamus downing his tea alarmingly, as Sirius sprung to his feet and then to the front door in dog form.


"What was that?" George whispered into the dark.

"Sounded like a huge crater falling out of the sky," replied Ron weakly. "But that's unlikely."

Ginny grabbed Fred's hand and clasped it in her freezing fingers, "Maybe it's them!" Fred, his hand in a grip that he didn't know Ginny could possibly muster, threw a protective arm around her frail shoulders.

"In here," they heard Sirius say urgently. Then, like a family of fireflies coming out of the darkness, several lit wands appeared in the hallway outside the kitchen. They cast a shadow on Sirius who was looking around at them, letting his eyes fall on Ginny. "There she is." He pointed his finger and then stepped out of the way.

Instantly the lights in the cave came back full force and illuminated about ten rather short, and some stout, MediWizards wearing the same crisp white robes. They were bustling around Ginny energetically; some checked her throat, another checked her eyes, others were prodding her from all angles. She felt like some sort of homemade science experiment. Fred, George, Ron and Seamus were pushed against the cave wall, watching with apprehension.

Siruis told Seamus quietly that several MediWizards and Dumbledore (who'd escorted them) were checking over Justin.

Seamus made his way back into the den, and left everyone else to Ginny. When he entered the den, Dumbledore was looking grave, but smiled when he saw the boy coming towards him. "Miss Weasley is alright, I take it?"

"Hmmm?" Seamus replied, his eyes locked on Justin's bland ones. "Yeah. Well, I think so."

"I wouldn't think you'd have left her unless you were sure," Dumbledore winked and put a fatherly hand on Seamus' back.

"She'll be okay, they said." Seamus swallowed, "What about Justin?"

"Mr. Finch Fletchley, yes." Dumbledore cleared his throat and the MediWizards stopped poking at Justin and made their way, with a stretcher, towards Ginny. "There is nothing we can do for him, Seamus. I was hoping you might take a suggestion to heart, however, as I know how friendly you and he were."

Seamus blinked back tears and nodded, "Yes, we were."

"Well, I was thinking it might be good for both you and Justin if you Apparated to his apartment in London. We can transfer him to Saint Mungo's directly after that…I wanted to give you some time alone with him, because I imagine you won't have much heart to visit him, as he'll never recognize you. Victims of the Dementor's Kiss never regain their souls, Mr. Finnigan. There were never any cases of it, anyway, and I just want to make things as comfortable for you as possible."

Seamus nodded in understanding, "Yes, sir, thank you. I'd like to take him home. Get some things thrown together that he can take to Saint Mungo's with him."

Dumbledore nodded bleakly, "I am truly sorry, Seamus."

"Thanks," Seamus choked out, wiping tears away from his tired eyes. "When can I leave?"

For a split second, Dumbledore seemed surprised by this question, then his eyes softened and he looked imploringly at Seamus, "At anytime you'd like. I expect you'll want to check on Miss Weasley first?"

Seamus shook his head, "She's got her brothers…I…I'd just be in the way. I'd like to get out of here."

"Very well," said Dumbledore wanly, as a glimmer of understanding passed his serene eyes, "I'll help you get Justin outside."

Without even a proper goodbye to his fellowship (He hollered goodbye, but was met with silence) Seamus was gone before anyone realized he wasn't standing with them. Justin hung loosely to Seamus as if he was completely disconnected to the world; and really, he was.

Dumbledore would explain to the group, later, of Seamus' condition. None of them would really understand except Ginny, and she would be the only one who would be there for him when he needed someone most.

*

Seamus and Justin popped into Justin's apartment moments after Disapparating. Justin dropped onto the couch (after Seamus gave him a gentle push) and Seamus went into the kitchen. He felt starved, like he hadn't eaten in days. Maybe he hadn't, he couldn't remember, and it was a trivial thing that didn't matter.

As he sifted through the contents of the fruit bowl, his fingers brushed against a piece of parchment in the shape of an enevelope. Confused and intrigued, Seamus picked it up and looked it over carefully. It was addressed, in loopy scrawl, to Seamus himself.

Without even wondering why Justin would leave Seamus a note in a fruit bowl, he tore it open with a swift motion and two slips of paper fell out. He picked the first one up with a quick glance towards Justin as if he were invading his privacy. Then he read.

Seamus -

I am so scared, but I know I must be strong. This is what I'm supposed to do with my life, and I know it. I just…I don't know if I will make it out. If it weren't for the fact that my entire family is dead, I probably would not be undertaking a mission such as this. I have never felt so afraid and so alone in my entire life. You are the only one I have right now and I will do everything I can to keep you safe. I'm worried that you'll find this and I'm worried that you won't. But the most important thing is that you know how much I admire and respect you. I am putting this in the fruit bowl for if you are ever in my apartment, that is where you go first. You were always so fruity. Just kidding.

Seriously, you're my best friend and I want you to do me a favor. If I am injured, please read the other parchment carefully and strongly consider it. I mean every word and you are the only person I truly trust in this world.

On a different sort of note. Seamus, you need to tell Ginny your feelings. If you ever find her, you need to tell her. Life is short…I want you to be happy. And don't let Draco bug you too much.

-Justin

PS- You know I'm the worst letter writer there is, please pretend it's the best thing you've ever read.

Seamus set the note down with trembling hands. On one hand, he wondered what the hell Justin knew going into this mission that Seamus did not. He seemed completely sure he was going to die, or be injured. Maybe he just didn't have any faith in himself. Seamus cast a miserable glance at his fallen friend before picking up the second bit of parchment. It was crumpled as if it had been wet and then dried. He set it down again as his chest constricted; he didn't want to read it.

The words flew back to his mind: If I am injured, please read the other parchment carefully and strongly consider it.

Seamus didn't know what that meant, but he had nothing else to do at the moment except feel sorry for himself, so he picked up the parchment again and read it, drawing shaky breaths.

Seamus. There are Dementors guarding Voldemort's hideout. I heard Harry and Draco whispering before we left. You know what they do to me and how I cannot possibly hold them back. I know that if you are by my side, I will be okay…but I can't jeopardize the mission by being a complete prat and requesting you to stay with me the entire time. Do you remember what I told you, back in third year, about my great-grandfather and grandfather? They both received the Dementor's Kiss for things they did not do. My father has so far escaped this curse, but I feel that I shall not. If I receive the Dementor's Kiss, do not let me continue to live. I cannot bare it. I have seen what it does. I have seen the life you lead once the Kiss is administered. I do not want to live that way. Please, I beg you, if that happens to me, please kill me and put me out of my misery. I'm scared to live like that, in a constant state of nothingness. Trust me when I say that it is not worth living, if you're going to live without a soul. A heart and a mind do nothing if you have no soul. Do this for me, please, Seamus.
I will miss you.

-Justin

Tears were flooding Seamus' eyes by the time the parchment hit the countertop. He looked over at the motionless Justin and watched him for quite sometime. Tears obscured his vision, but he didn't take his eyes off his friend. He agreed that this was no way to live…but there was no way Seamus could kill his best friend. He resented Justin for even thinking about such a thing.

Seamus brushed his bangs from his face and shouted in rage in agony. He shook his head and he cried some more. He didn't know what to do.


"DAMMIT!" Seamus shouted, stalking over to where Justin lay. "BLOODY HELL!"

Justin didn't move, or look as if he'd heard Seamus' rants at all. Seamus pulled his wand from his robe pocket and wiped his eyes on his sleeves. He sniffed and held the wand out, pointed at Justin. His chest heaved as he breathed raggedly. His breath came out in shards and his heart was pumping faster than ever before. "Dammit, Justin," he sobbed softly.

With tears streaming down his cheeks, he killed his best friend.