Author's Note: No, you cannot go around kicking ducks and hoping Lavitz
will fall out. It was a SPECIAL duck, and you can't have it. Who knows what
havoc that duck could wreak if let loose on an unsuspecting world. Besides,
I have a feeling poor Lavitz would suffer some serious brain damage if he
came to this world. The hordes of glomping fangirls and so on...
No, I'm not insulting Starbucks. I'm fourteen, I don't drink coffee. *ducks* So don't hurt me. *had some BAAAAD experiences with staplers*
Chapter 2
*All nine Dragoons, Lloyd, and the somehow-still-sane Striker are sitting in a bar. Albert and Lloyd are mourning their losses in the corner, Albert moping over the death of Bill Nye the Science Guy, and Lloyd sobbing over the loss of both his life's purpose and his prettiness. Rose is sitting in her usual shadowy corner, drinking a glass of red wine (Probably trying to pretend it's blood. What's the betting she sprouts fangs and starts attacking young children in LoD2?). Kongol has a very large glass of bourbon and is already starting to turn red. Shana is being her usual whiny goody-two-shoes self and not drinking anything. Haschel and Miranda both have beer and are about to engage in a drinking contest. Dart and Lavitz have vodka and are swapping bets on the upcoming contest. Striker and Meru, who are too young to drink, have soda. Striker is on his second can of Mountain Dew, while Meru has already consumed two dozen orange sodas and is still going strong.*
Dart: I've got twenty bucks on the old man.
Lavitz: *snorts in derision* I've got thirty on the blonde with PMS.
Striker: Tell you what. I'll bet fifty that their faces both hit the counter at once.
Dart and Lavitz: Yeah right! *they all shake on it*
Kongol: E equals mc squared. We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal, and that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights; and that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Dart: It figures. Alcohol makes most people stupid, but it turns Kongol into a genius.
Rose: *muttering to herself and stroking her blade* Preciousssss...
Dart, Lavitz, and Striker: O_o
*Everyone goes back to watching the drinking contest. About twenty minutes later, the pile of empty beer bottles is getting very large. Haschel and Miranda are both looking more than a little wasted*
Haschel: Claire... ish thish the way yuh-ooh felt when you firsht met Zeig?
Dart: .- Hey! Watch it, old man!
Miranda: &#^% ^@&$# beer #&@^ ^#&%'in &^#$ geezer! @#$#!
Lavitz, who by some miracle is still sober: Did Miranda just mispronounce a swear word? MIRANDA?
Dart: How can you tell? It's all censored out anyway.
Lavitz: *turns to Striker* What's up with that, anyway? The fic's already PG-13, why don't you just not censor the swearing?
Striker: I find that it's much easier to censor them and let the readers use their imaginations than to actually put the words in and have to figure out sentence structure for a paragraph made entirely of cursing.
Dart: So you really are a lazy ass.
Striker: *shrugs* I let that one through. Besides, my teachers prefer to call it 'not working to my full potential', even though I get straight A's. I mean, what have they got to complain about?
Haschel and Miranda: *take this extremely well-timed opportunity to elegantly slam their heads against the counter, unconscious*
Striker: Damn straight! Pay up, punks! *collects his winnings from Dart and Lavitz* *elates in victory*
Lavitz: *mumbles* I think you rigged that...
Striker: Well, DUH! I'm the author! I can do anything I want!
Lavitz: I just thought of something. If you're the author, what do you need money for? You have an unlimited supply!
Striker: It's not about money, it's about bragging rights. My betting skills brought the financial whooping down on the spikey asses of your wallets!
Dart and Lavitz: O_o?
Striker: *shrugs* It just sounded cool in some way to my twisted mind. Sue me.
Meru: FortheloveofSoa! Darttheoldman'sdead! *bouncing up and down in chair*
Dart: No he's not, Meru, he's just so $%&#ing wasted he can't stand up.
Striker: O_o You can actually understand what she's saying?
Dart: *shrugs* It's Meru. You get used to the accelerated talking speed after a while.
Meru: Thisplaceisboring! Iwanttogosomeplaceelse!
Shana: *in her whiniest, most annoying voice* Daaaaaaaaaaaart! This place is disgusting! You promised me last night we'd go shopping together!
Dart: . *mumbles something under his breath*
Striker: *flow of testosterone causes some very *ahem* interesting images to form in his mind at that sentence* *smacks self* Damn puberty! . Eeeeeeevil thoughts...
Rose: *eye twitches* That's it! Meru, hold her down!
Meru: *super-hyper, Wingly-on-48-cans-of-orange-soda excited squeal* *slams Shana down on the counter and sits on her* ^_^
Striker: O_o
Rose: *force-feeds Shana a bottle of very potent whiskey* That should shut her up.
Shana: *struggles until alcohol kicks in* *drunken giggle* *head tips back and forth in that woozy way you get when you're totally wasted* *eyes focus* DART! ^_^ *latches onto his arm* Oh Dart... let's get married...
Dart: O_O *drops his glass of vodka, which shatters on the floor* Mar... ried? *secret abysmal phobia of commitment kicks in* SWEET SOA, LORD OF CREATION, WHERE ARE YOU NOW? *by some miracle manages to detach his arm from Shana* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! *runs out of the bar at top speed, arms flailing, screaming incoherently*
Shana: Daaaaaart... *by another miracle manages to get to her feet* *stands there for twenty seconds, trying to remember what she was doing* oh yeah... ...waaaaaaaaaaaaait! *stumbles after him*
Everyone else who is still concious: *pointing and laughing their asses off*
Rose: I have got to see what happens next. Coming, Meru?
Meru: *super-hyper giggle* *grabs camcorder and follows Rose*
Lloyd: *still sobbing over his lost bishonen status* Why did you leave me?
Striker: Oh, for crying out loud! *restores Lloyd's pre-Starbucks visage*
Lloyd: *instantly happy again* YES! I AM PRETTY ONCE MORE! NOW BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP ME FOR THE GOD THAT I AM!
Striker: -_- Yeah, yeah. Now get your spikey ass in gear and let's move, pretty-boy.
Haschel, Kongol, and Miranda: *wake up*
Kongol: *sleepily* Force equals mass times acceleration...
Albert: *crying* Oh William, why didst thou die? I knew thee well... it was not thy time!
Kongol: O_o Albert king still... what you call it? 'Stoned'?
Striker: *pats Kongol on the back* No, Kongol. Albert just needs sometime alone. Let's go. *everyone minus Albert leaves*
************************************************************************
*An hour or so later, everyone minus Shana (who is still stumbling around drunkenly searching for Dart) is looking up at Dart, who is sitting on the head of a statue dedicated to some unimportant guy (Has anyone else noticed how many of those there are in malls?), hiding from Shana and playing with his lighter*
Dart: Oh, Zippo... you're my only friend. *hugs Zippo* Never leave me, Zippo... *accidently burns self* #%&^! *drops Zippo* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *Zippo clatters to the floor*
Striker: O_o It's just on the floor. Climb down and pick it up, if you want it so badly.
Dart: But what about Shana?
Striker: *waves hand* She's off puking her guts out somewhere.
Dart: OK! *climbs down statue and picks up lighter* Yahoo! Dart and Zippo, Defenders of Justice, are reunited once again! *strikes a pose*
Albert: *bursts out laughing*
Dart: *eye twitch* INFIDEL! YOU DARE INSULT ME? THE ALMIGHTY ZIPPO WILL BRING SWIFT JUSTICE UPON YOUR FOUL HEAD! *douses Albert in gasoline and lights him on fire*
Albert: O_O *all semblance of dignity is lost* *starts running around in circles flailing his arms*
Striker: I suppose mentioning stop, drop, and roll wouldn't do much good at this point.
Lavitz: Probably not. *holds a cigarette out in Albert's path, which causes it to light when Albert runs past*
Striker: *sigh* Meru, would you mind doing something about that?
Meru: K! *brandishes her nightmare-inducing hammer (Stop laughing at me! If you're not scared by that hammer, you should be!), and smacks Albert in the face*
Albert: *falls to the floor, comatose, but still on fire*
Striker: -_- I meant something more along the lines of putting out the FIRE.
Meru. Oh. Icandothattoo. *transforms and puts out the fire* *duck runs by* DUCK! *lifts her hammer like a golf club* FORE!
Striker: NO! Don't...
Meru: *smacks duck*
Duck: *goes flying* *quacks*
Portal: *opens again, spilling out Doel, Greham, and Melbu Frahma*
Melbu Frahma: YES! I AM RELEASED!
Striker: Damn duck. .- OK, listen, this is MY fic, so get out. NOW.
Melbu: INSOLENT HUMAN! I SHALL CLEANSE THIS WORLD WITH SWEET CHAOS!
Dart: Yayhoo! Fight time! Zippo shall smite them!
Striker: -_- Nevermind that. *kicks Melbu in the shin*
Melbu: O_O Owie! *jumps up and down on one foot* FOOLISH HUMAN! YOU WILL FEEL ENDLESS TORMENT! Doel! Greham! Exterminate him!
Striker: *eye twitches* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! *tackles Melbu and starts beating the &^$% out of him* YOU ANNOYING PROGENY OF A SHEEP! YOU'RE JUST LIKE ALL OF THE OTHER VIDEO GAME VILLAINS! YOU TALK BIG, BUT WHENEVER THE GOOD GUYS ARE ABOUT TO KICK YOUR ASS YOU EITHER WIMP OUT AND TELEPORT AWAY OR SEND SOME STUPID LITTLE LACKEY TO DO YOUR DIRTY WORK! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THAT PISSES ME OFF!?
Melbu: Urk... *is now a red smear on the ground*
Striker: *turns evil eye on Doel and Greham* EITHER OF YOU PLANNING ON GIVING ME ANY CRAP?
Doel and Greham: O_O
Striker: *vein starts twitching in head* WELL?
Doel and Greham: No! Of course not, almighty author!
Striker: Damn straight! Nobody is to cause mayhem or destruction except me, unless I SPECIFICALLY STATE OTHERWISE. *turns to Dragoons* That goes for you too. ALL OF YOU. Understood?
All except Melbu Frahma, who is still a bloody heap on the ground: *sloooooowly nod the way people always do when they're dealing with crazy people*
Striker: Good. *exhales* Now, I have an appointment with my therapist. It's time for my anger management seminar. *leaves*
Kongol: O_o Psycho kid scare Kongol.
Meru: Nokidding! Holycraptheguy'satotalwhackjoband... *explodes*
Striker: I heard that.
************************************************************************
Author's Note: Whee, Chapter 2 over! Wasn't as funny as the first one, but it was kind of amusing to see Shana get wasted (at least, I thought it was funny). Don't worry, Meru is not dead forever. She will be alive and well (and hopefully not as hyper) next chapter. Doel and Greham join the group! Yay! Don't forget to review. Release your reviews into the wild, where they can run and frolick in Review... erm... land. K? *rides off on his plastic tricycle*
No, I'm not insulting Starbucks. I'm fourteen, I don't drink coffee. *ducks* So don't hurt me. *had some BAAAAD experiences with staplers*
Chapter 2
*All nine Dragoons, Lloyd, and the somehow-still-sane Striker are sitting in a bar. Albert and Lloyd are mourning their losses in the corner, Albert moping over the death of Bill Nye the Science Guy, and Lloyd sobbing over the loss of both his life's purpose and his prettiness. Rose is sitting in her usual shadowy corner, drinking a glass of red wine (Probably trying to pretend it's blood. What's the betting she sprouts fangs and starts attacking young children in LoD2?). Kongol has a very large glass of bourbon and is already starting to turn red. Shana is being her usual whiny goody-two-shoes self and not drinking anything. Haschel and Miranda both have beer and are about to engage in a drinking contest. Dart and Lavitz have vodka and are swapping bets on the upcoming contest. Striker and Meru, who are too young to drink, have soda. Striker is on his second can of Mountain Dew, while Meru has already consumed two dozen orange sodas and is still going strong.*
Dart: I've got twenty bucks on the old man.
Lavitz: *snorts in derision* I've got thirty on the blonde with PMS.
Striker: Tell you what. I'll bet fifty that their faces both hit the counter at once.
Dart and Lavitz: Yeah right! *they all shake on it*
Kongol: E equals mc squared. We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal, and that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights; and that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Dart: It figures. Alcohol makes most people stupid, but it turns Kongol into a genius.
Rose: *muttering to herself and stroking her blade* Preciousssss...
Dart, Lavitz, and Striker: O_o
*Everyone goes back to watching the drinking contest. About twenty minutes later, the pile of empty beer bottles is getting very large. Haschel and Miranda are both looking more than a little wasted*
Haschel: Claire... ish thish the way yuh-ooh felt when you firsht met Zeig?
Dart: .- Hey! Watch it, old man!
Miranda: &#^% ^@&$# beer #&@^ ^#&%'in &^#$ geezer! @#$#!
Lavitz, who by some miracle is still sober: Did Miranda just mispronounce a swear word? MIRANDA?
Dart: How can you tell? It's all censored out anyway.
Lavitz: *turns to Striker* What's up with that, anyway? The fic's already PG-13, why don't you just not censor the swearing?
Striker: I find that it's much easier to censor them and let the readers use their imaginations than to actually put the words in and have to figure out sentence structure for a paragraph made entirely of cursing.
Dart: So you really are a lazy ass.
Striker: *shrugs* I let that one through. Besides, my teachers prefer to call it 'not working to my full potential', even though I get straight A's. I mean, what have they got to complain about?
Haschel and Miranda: *take this extremely well-timed opportunity to elegantly slam their heads against the counter, unconscious*
Striker: Damn straight! Pay up, punks! *collects his winnings from Dart and Lavitz* *elates in victory*
Lavitz: *mumbles* I think you rigged that...
Striker: Well, DUH! I'm the author! I can do anything I want!
Lavitz: I just thought of something. If you're the author, what do you need money for? You have an unlimited supply!
Striker: It's not about money, it's about bragging rights. My betting skills brought the financial whooping down on the spikey asses of your wallets!
Dart and Lavitz: O_o?
Striker: *shrugs* It just sounded cool in some way to my twisted mind. Sue me.
Meru: FortheloveofSoa! Darttheoldman'sdead! *bouncing up and down in chair*
Dart: No he's not, Meru, he's just so $%&#ing wasted he can't stand up.
Striker: O_o You can actually understand what she's saying?
Dart: *shrugs* It's Meru. You get used to the accelerated talking speed after a while.
Meru: Thisplaceisboring! Iwanttogosomeplaceelse!
Shana: *in her whiniest, most annoying voice* Daaaaaaaaaaaart! This place is disgusting! You promised me last night we'd go shopping together!
Dart: . *mumbles something under his breath*
Striker: *flow of testosterone causes some very *ahem* interesting images to form in his mind at that sentence* *smacks self* Damn puberty! . Eeeeeeevil thoughts...
Rose: *eye twitches* That's it! Meru, hold her down!
Meru: *super-hyper, Wingly-on-48-cans-of-orange-soda excited squeal* *slams Shana down on the counter and sits on her* ^_^
Striker: O_o
Rose: *force-feeds Shana a bottle of very potent whiskey* That should shut her up.
Shana: *struggles until alcohol kicks in* *drunken giggle* *head tips back and forth in that woozy way you get when you're totally wasted* *eyes focus* DART! ^_^ *latches onto his arm* Oh Dart... let's get married...
Dart: O_O *drops his glass of vodka, which shatters on the floor* Mar... ried? *secret abysmal phobia of commitment kicks in* SWEET SOA, LORD OF CREATION, WHERE ARE YOU NOW? *by some miracle manages to detach his arm from Shana* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! *runs out of the bar at top speed, arms flailing, screaming incoherently*
Shana: Daaaaaart... *by another miracle manages to get to her feet* *stands there for twenty seconds, trying to remember what she was doing* oh yeah... ...waaaaaaaaaaaaait! *stumbles after him*
Everyone else who is still concious: *pointing and laughing their asses off*
Rose: I have got to see what happens next. Coming, Meru?
Meru: *super-hyper giggle* *grabs camcorder and follows Rose*
Lloyd: *still sobbing over his lost bishonen status* Why did you leave me?
Striker: Oh, for crying out loud! *restores Lloyd's pre-Starbucks visage*
Lloyd: *instantly happy again* YES! I AM PRETTY ONCE MORE! NOW BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP ME FOR THE GOD THAT I AM!
Striker: -_- Yeah, yeah. Now get your spikey ass in gear and let's move, pretty-boy.
Haschel, Kongol, and Miranda: *wake up*
Kongol: *sleepily* Force equals mass times acceleration...
Albert: *crying* Oh William, why didst thou die? I knew thee well... it was not thy time!
Kongol: O_o Albert king still... what you call it? 'Stoned'?
Striker: *pats Kongol on the back* No, Kongol. Albert just needs sometime alone. Let's go. *everyone minus Albert leaves*
************************************************************************
*An hour or so later, everyone minus Shana (who is still stumbling around drunkenly searching for Dart) is looking up at Dart, who is sitting on the head of a statue dedicated to some unimportant guy (Has anyone else noticed how many of those there are in malls?), hiding from Shana and playing with his lighter*
Dart: Oh, Zippo... you're my only friend. *hugs Zippo* Never leave me, Zippo... *accidently burns self* #%&^! *drops Zippo* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *Zippo clatters to the floor*
Striker: O_o It's just on the floor. Climb down and pick it up, if you want it so badly.
Dart: But what about Shana?
Striker: *waves hand* She's off puking her guts out somewhere.
Dart: OK! *climbs down statue and picks up lighter* Yahoo! Dart and Zippo, Defenders of Justice, are reunited once again! *strikes a pose*
Albert: *bursts out laughing*
Dart: *eye twitch* INFIDEL! YOU DARE INSULT ME? THE ALMIGHTY ZIPPO WILL BRING SWIFT JUSTICE UPON YOUR FOUL HEAD! *douses Albert in gasoline and lights him on fire*
Albert: O_O *all semblance of dignity is lost* *starts running around in circles flailing his arms*
Striker: I suppose mentioning stop, drop, and roll wouldn't do much good at this point.
Lavitz: Probably not. *holds a cigarette out in Albert's path, which causes it to light when Albert runs past*
Striker: *sigh* Meru, would you mind doing something about that?
Meru: K! *brandishes her nightmare-inducing hammer (Stop laughing at me! If you're not scared by that hammer, you should be!), and smacks Albert in the face*
Albert: *falls to the floor, comatose, but still on fire*
Striker: -_- I meant something more along the lines of putting out the FIRE.
Meru. Oh. Icandothattoo. *transforms and puts out the fire* *duck runs by* DUCK! *lifts her hammer like a golf club* FORE!
Striker: NO! Don't...
Meru: *smacks duck*
Duck: *goes flying* *quacks*
Portal: *opens again, spilling out Doel, Greham, and Melbu Frahma*
Melbu Frahma: YES! I AM RELEASED!
Striker: Damn duck. .- OK, listen, this is MY fic, so get out. NOW.
Melbu: INSOLENT HUMAN! I SHALL CLEANSE THIS WORLD WITH SWEET CHAOS!
Dart: Yayhoo! Fight time! Zippo shall smite them!
Striker: -_- Nevermind that. *kicks Melbu in the shin*
Melbu: O_O Owie! *jumps up and down on one foot* FOOLISH HUMAN! YOU WILL FEEL ENDLESS TORMENT! Doel! Greham! Exterminate him!
Striker: *eye twitches* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! *tackles Melbu and starts beating the &^$% out of him* YOU ANNOYING PROGENY OF A SHEEP! YOU'RE JUST LIKE ALL OF THE OTHER VIDEO GAME VILLAINS! YOU TALK BIG, BUT WHENEVER THE GOOD GUYS ARE ABOUT TO KICK YOUR ASS YOU EITHER WIMP OUT AND TELEPORT AWAY OR SEND SOME STUPID LITTLE LACKEY TO DO YOUR DIRTY WORK! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THAT PISSES ME OFF!?
Melbu: Urk... *is now a red smear on the ground*
Striker: *turns evil eye on Doel and Greham* EITHER OF YOU PLANNING ON GIVING ME ANY CRAP?
Doel and Greham: O_O
Striker: *vein starts twitching in head* WELL?
Doel and Greham: No! Of course not, almighty author!
Striker: Damn straight! Nobody is to cause mayhem or destruction except me, unless I SPECIFICALLY STATE OTHERWISE. *turns to Dragoons* That goes for you too. ALL OF YOU. Understood?
All except Melbu Frahma, who is still a bloody heap on the ground: *sloooooowly nod the way people always do when they're dealing with crazy people*
Striker: Good. *exhales* Now, I have an appointment with my therapist. It's time for my anger management seminar. *leaves*
Kongol: O_o Psycho kid scare Kongol.
Meru: Nokidding! Holycraptheguy'satotalwhackjoband... *explodes*
Striker: I heard that.
************************************************************************
Author's Note: Whee, Chapter 2 over! Wasn't as funny as the first one, but it was kind of amusing to see Shana get wasted (at least, I thought it was funny). Don't worry, Meru is not dead forever. She will be alive and well (and hopefully not as hyper) next chapter. Doel and Greham join the group! Yay! Don't forget to review. Release your reviews into the wild, where they can run and frolick in Review... erm... land. K? *rides off on his plastic tricycle*