Chapter 8 (That's right, there is NO Author's Note! There's a first.)
*Everyone is back in the RV, et cetera, et cetera, blah, blah, blah.*
Rose: *drives past the border line* We're in Oregon.
Greham: OK... *turns to author* Hey, what's special about Oregon?
Striker: Trees.
Greham: O_o OoooK... what else?
Striker: Trees.
Greham: Besides trees.
Striker: More trees.
Greham: So there's nothing interesting about Oregon except that it has a whole lot of trees?
Striker: Well, if you chuck a cigarette butt out the window of the RV, the trees would probably catch flame and create a chain reaction resulting in a massive forest fire, but that probably wouldn't be a very good idea.
Dart: O_O *steals one of Lavitz's cigarettes*
Froggie Lavitz: *croak*
Striker: *takes the cigarette from Dart before he can burn down all the forests in Oregon*
Dart: *pouts*
Striker: *playing Mystic Heroes* *starts Level 6-3* What? You mean I have to fight that &^$%#@ Aria AND she took control of Captain Dax too? That sucks. Majorly.
Shana: I wanna plaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
Striker: And what exactly would a goody-two-shoes like you DO with a video game console?
Shana: *holds up a copy of Adventures in Snuggletown*
Striker: *eye twitch* No.
Shana: *whines* Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?
Striker: *Shiga gets frozen into a block of ice by the floating Aria, then gets chopped up by a swarm of Undead Samurai and an ally who is currently under mind control by aforementioned floating annoying person* ^$&%! Doel?
Doel: My pleasure. *backhands Shana out the window, who lands on the roadside and is immediately trampled by the rare Oregonian giant tapir (If you don't know what a tapir is, look it up in the dictionary. Most have a picture of the thing. It looks weird, but it's random. So there.)*
Striker: *eye stops twitching* Thank you.
Doel: *shrug* As long as I've got an excuse.
Albert: I am afraid to report that there is nothing available in the recreational vehicle for consumption except for artificial whipped topping and remains of the roast fowl from the last observed holiday.
*long pause*
*cricket chirp*
*cricket chirp*
Dart: What?
Striker: Allow me to translate from Albert-speak to normal English. What he said was that there's nothing to eat in the RV except for Cool Whip and leftover turkey from Thanksgiving.
Miranda: &^$%ing #^$&% food ^*$% @^#&$ing author &$#^%#!
Lloyd: We're all gonna starve! I'm too pretty to diiiiiie!
Striker: Doel, I can't reach him.
Doel: Of course. *smacks Lloyd upside the head* Idiot.
Striker: Thank you. Anyway, we're not going to starve. We just have to buy some food. Duh.
Lloyd: But we don't have any money!
Striker: Doel?
Doel: *smacks Lloyd again*
Striker: Thank you. I'm the author, I can just write in all the money we need. *suitcase filled with 100-dollar bills appears in hands* See?
Dart: I just thought of something. Why is Doel listening to what you say all of a sudden?
Striker: Because I decided that he's cool enough to enter my army of minions. Plus, it gives him an excuse to smack people and get away with it.
Rose: *pulls into the parking lot of a conveniently placed Albertson's* Let's get this over with.
*Everyone piles out of the RV*
Striker: *notices something* Why is $#&% painted on the side of the RV?
Rayen: That's its name now.
Striker: What? Who came up with that idea?
Rayen: You did.
Striker: I don't recall saying that our RV's name is dollar-sign-pound-sign- and-percent-symbol.
Rayen: Well, we couldn't put the REAL name on there.
Striker: What?
Rayen: You were playing your game, and Meru asked you for a name for the RV...
Striker: *suddenly realizes what he's talking about* Our RV's name is Shit?
All minus Striker: *gasp*
Striker: -_- Touch me with that stick and I will kill you. I'm the author, I can cuss all I want.
Froggie Lavitz: O_O *is hopping as fast as he can away from Doel*
Doel: *chasing after Lavitz with a huge pot of melted butter in his hands* Come back here! I'll solve our food problems!
Lavitz: *flash* *is transformed back into his normal self*
Doel: What the hell?
Striker: His punishment has worn off.
Lavitz: Thank SOA!
Doel: -_- I hate you all. *dumps the pot of melted butter on Meru*
*Later, in the Albertson's*
Dart: Heeeeey... wait a second. That store is called Albert SON'S... *pokes Albert* You and Emilie been burning the midnight oil?
Albert: *blink blink* Dear lord Soa... I'M A DADDY! *glomps onto a random person in his exultation*
Striker: It would probably be pointless to tell him that the name of the store chain has nothing to do with him and fatherhood, wouldn't it?
Lavitz: Probably.
Greham: OK, Albert, we're all happy for you and all, but let go of Miranda now.
Miranda: &^%$ING #@$% KING &^$%#@$ $#@#$#@ BABY $#%& #$%^ LET GO &^%$#$!
Albert: *stays attached to Miranda, totally oblivious to everything else except the prospect of fatherhood* ^_^
Striker: Well, grocery shopping will go a lot faster if we split up into pairs.
*Later, after split up*
Striker: Stop complaining. I chose the damn pairs randomly.
Rose: Still, I cannot believe I got stuck with you.
Striker: *driving the grocery cart around pointlessly, singing the Mission: Impossible song* Doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo. Doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo. Dee da dum! Dee da dum! Da dum!
Rose: You're pathetic.
Striker: Shut up and put the food in the cart, witch lady.
Rose: *sigh*
************************************************************************
Doel: *piles their cart full of boxes of microwave popcorn* Eeeeexcellent...
Greham: *dumps an armful of Corn Nuts and cheese whiz into the cart*
Doel: Corn Nuts and cheese whiz? Are you some kind of idiot or something?
Greham: *sticks tongue out*
************************************************************************
Miranda: &^%# &$%# $%#$ing king... *piling her cart full of boxes of cereal*
Albert: *still glomped onto Miranda's midsection* I wonder if it's a boy...
Miranda: *eye twitch*
************************************************************************
Lloyd: CAFFINE! *piling the cart full of coffee, Mountain Dew, and other highly caffinated beverages*
Meru: SUGAR! *piles cart full of candy and other high-sugared objects*
************************************************************************
Shana: *mysteriously revived and buying vegetarian everything*
Kongol: *shoving packages of red meat into the cart*
Shana: Kongol, all that meat will ruin your heart.
Kongol: And Kongol care... why?
************************************************************************
Rayen: *actually shopping like a normal person* Dart? Where are you?
Dart: *drooling in rapture at a shelf full of lighter fluid, matches, and charcoal*
Rayen: *sighs* Go ahead.
Dart: YAHOOOOOOOO! *starts chucking bags, bottles, and boxes into the cart*
************************************************************************
Lavitz: *tossing a bunch of cigarette packs into the cart* That should last me until we need to buy food again.
Haschel: *comes back with an armful of canned prunes*
Lavitz: You don't actually EAT that &^$%, do you?
Haschel: It's good for my digestion.
Lavitz: _ *bad images*
************************************************************************
*Everyone reunites at the purchasing aisle*
Striker: *examining what everyone else bought* We can't live off this! *comes to Doel and Greham's cart* Corn Nuts and cheese whiz?
Doel: -_- *points to Greham*
Greham: *squeezing cheese whiz on top of a Corn Nut* What?
Striker: You've got some serious problems, man. That has got to be the grossest thing I have ever seen.
Greham: Tell me about it. They were out of cheddar!
Striker: _ *sigh* OK, everyone except Rayen put their crap back.
Doel: *death glare*
Striker: Correction, everyone except Rayen and Doel put their crap back.
Doel: Smart man.
Dart: *puppy eyes*
Striker: And Dart, because I want to nick some of his stuff anyway.
Dart: Yay! *blink, pause* Waaaaait a second...
Miranda: *PMS glare, even deadlier than aforementioned death glare*
Striker: *blink, pause* Ah, what the hell. *piles all the stuff on the little conveyor belt thing* *tosses the clerk guy a wad of 100-dollar bills* Keep the change.
Clerk: O_O
Doel: Big stupid eyes tax. *takes all the change* Heh heh. *counting the bills*
************************************************************************
*Everyone is back in the RV*
Albert: *still glomped onto Miranda's midsection*
Miranda: *attempting to pry the deranged king off with a crowbar* &*#$!
Lloyd: *on the computer* *suddenly starts laughing hysterically*
Striker: What the hell are you on about?
Lloyd: *holds up a sheet of paper that just finished printing*
Lavitz: Gimme that. *reads it* It's a declaration from the government. Winglies are officially an endangered species.
Striker: What!? *snatches paper and reads it* Noooooooooooooooooooo!
Lavitz: This means you can't beat the crap out of Lloyd for no reason... or for any reason, for that matter.
Lloyd: That's right! *pushes the author over and seizes the Gamecube controller*
Striker: Why you little...
Lloyd: *holds up paper and smirks*
Striker: *eye twitch*
Author's Note: Whee, what will I do now that I can't bash Lloyd? Will Dart manage to burn Oregon to the ground? What the hell is a giant Oregonian tapir? All these questions will be answered next chappy, except for the last one, which I will answer now. A tapir is a weird fuzzy animal that looks like a pig. Like I said, there's a picture of them if you look in the dictionary. The whole giant Oregonian thing I made up, they're native to Africa, I think... Anyway, review and be happy!
*Everyone is back in the RV, et cetera, et cetera, blah, blah, blah.*
Rose: *drives past the border line* We're in Oregon.
Greham: OK... *turns to author* Hey, what's special about Oregon?
Striker: Trees.
Greham: O_o OoooK... what else?
Striker: Trees.
Greham: Besides trees.
Striker: More trees.
Greham: So there's nothing interesting about Oregon except that it has a whole lot of trees?
Striker: Well, if you chuck a cigarette butt out the window of the RV, the trees would probably catch flame and create a chain reaction resulting in a massive forest fire, but that probably wouldn't be a very good idea.
Dart: O_O *steals one of Lavitz's cigarettes*
Froggie Lavitz: *croak*
Striker: *takes the cigarette from Dart before he can burn down all the forests in Oregon*
Dart: *pouts*
Striker: *playing Mystic Heroes* *starts Level 6-3* What? You mean I have to fight that &^$%#@ Aria AND she took control of Captain Dax too? That sucks. Majorly.
Shana: I wanna plaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
Striker: And what exactly would a goody-two-shoes like you DO with a video game console?
Shana: *holds up a copy of Adventures in Snuggletown*
Striker: *eye twitch* No.
Shana: *whines* Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?
Striker: *Shiga gets frozen into a block of ice by the floating Aria, then gets chopped up by a swarm of Undead Samurai and an ally who is currently under mind control by aforementioned floating annoying person* ^$&%! Doel?
Doel: My pleasure. *backhands Shana out the window, who lands on the roadside and is immediately trampled by the rare Oregonian giant tapir (If you don't know what a tapir is, look it up in the dictionary. Most have a picture of the thing. It looks weird, but it's random. So there.)*
Striker: *eye stops twitching* Thank you.
Doel: *shrug* As long as I've got an excuse.
Albert: I am afraid to report that there is nothing available in the recreational vehicle for consumption except for artificial whipped topping and remains of the roast fowl from the last observed holiday.
*long pause*
*cricket chirp*
*cricket chirp*
Dart: What?
Striker: Allow me to translate from Albert-speak to normal English. What he said was that there's nothing to eat in the RV except for Cool Whip and leftover turkey from Thanksgiving.
Miranda: &^$%ing #^$&% food ^*$% @^#&$ing author &$#^%#!
Lloyd: We're all gonna starve! I'm too pretty to diiiiiie!
Striker: Doel, I can't reach him.
Doel: Of course. *smacks Lloyd upside the head* Idiot.
Striker: Thank you. Anyway, we're not going to starve. We just have to buy some food. Duh.
Lloyd: But we don't have any money!
Striker: Doel?
Doel: *smacks Lloyd again*
Striker: Thank you. I'm the author, I can just write in all the money we need. *suitcase filled with 100-dollar bills appears in hands* See?
Dart: I just thought of something. Why is Doel listening to what you say all of a sudden?
Striker: Because I decided that he's cool enough to enter my army of minions. Plus, it gives him an excuse to smack people and get away with it.
Rose: *pulls into the parking lot of a conveniently placed Albertson's* Let's get this over with.
*Everyone piles out of the RV*
Striker: *notices something* Why is $#&% painted on the side of the RV?
Rayen: That's its name now.
Striker: What? Who came up with that idea?
Rayen: You did.
Striker: I don't recall saying that our RV's name is dollar-sign-pound-sign- and-percent-symbol.
Rayen: Well, we couldn't put the REAL name on there.
Striker: What?
Rayen: You were playing your game, and Meru asked you for a name for the RV...
Striker: *suddenly realizes what he's talking about* Our RV's name is Shit?
All minus Striker: *gasp*
Striker: -_- Touch me with that stick and I will kill you. I'm the author, I can cuss all I want.
Froggie Lavitz: O_O *is hopping as fast as he can away from Doel*
Doel: *chasing after Lavitz with a huge pot of melted butter in his hands* Come back here! I'll solve our food problems!
Lavitz: *flash* *is transformed back into his normal self*
Doel: What the hell?
Striker: His punishment has worn off.
Lavitz: Thank SOA!
Doel: -_- I hate you all. *dumps the pot of melted butter on Meru*
*Later, in the Albertson's*
Dart: Heeeeey... wait a second. That store is called Albert SON'S... *pokes Albert* You and Emilie been burning the midnight oil?
Albert: *blink blink* Dear lord Soa... I'M A DADDY! *glomps onto a random person in his exultation*
Striker: It would probably be pointless to tell him that the name of the store chain has nothing to do with him and fatherhood, wouldn't it?
Lavitz: Probably.
Greham: OK, Albert, we're all happy for you and all, but let go of Miranda now.
Miranda: &^%$ING #@$% KING &^$%#@$ $#@#$#@ BABY $#%& #$%^ LET GO &^%$#$!
Albert: *stays attached to Miranda, totally oblivious to everything else except the prospect of fatherhood* ^_^
Striker: Well, grocery shopping will go a lot faster if we split up into pairs.
*Later, after split up*
Striker: Stop complaining. I chose the damn pairs randomly.
Rose: Still, I cannot believe I got stuck with you.
Striker: *driving the grocery cart around pointlessly, singing the Mission: Impossible song* Doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo. Doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo. Dee da dum! Dee da dum! Da dum!
Rose: You're pathetic.
Striker: Shut up and put the food in the cart, witch lady.
Rose: *sigh*
************************************************************************
Doel: *piles their cart full of boxes of microwave popcorn* Eeeeexcellent...
Greham: *dumps an armful of Corn Nuts and cheese whiz into the cart*
Doel: Corn Nuts and cheese whiz? Are you some kind of idiot or something?
Greham: *sticks tongue out*
************************************************************************
Miranda: &^%# &$%# $%#$ing king... *piling her cart full of boxes of cereal*
Albert: *still glomped onto Miranda's midsection* I wonder if it's a boy...
Miranda: *eye twitch*
************************************************************************
Lloyd: CAFFINE! *piling the cart full of coffee, Mountain Dew, and other highly caffinated beverages*
Meru: SUGAR! *piles cart full of candy and other high-sugared objects*
************************************************************************
Shana: *mysteriously revived and buying vegetarian everything*
Kongol: *shoving packages of red meat into the cart*
Shana: Kongol, all that meat will ruin your heart.
Kongol: And Kongol care... why?
************************************************************************
Rayen: *actually shopping like a normal person* Dart? Where are you?
Dart: *drooling in rapture at a shelf full of lighter fluid, matches, and charcoal*
Rayen: *sighs* Go ahead.
Dart: YAHOOOOOOOO! *starts chucking bags, bottles, and boxes into the cart*
************************************************************************
Lavitz: *tossing a bunch of cigarette packs into the cart* That should last me until we need to buy food again.
Haschel: *comes back with an armful of canned prunes*
Lavitz: You don't actually EAT that &^$%, do you?
Haschel: It's good for my digestion.
Lavitz: _ *bad images*
************************************************************************
*Everyone reunites at the purchasing aisle*
Striker: *examining what everyone else bought* We can't live off this! *comes to Doel and Greham's cart* Corn Nuts and cheese whiz?
Doel: -_- *points to Greham*
Greham: *squeezing cheese whiz on top of a Corn Nut* What?
Striker: You've got some serious problems, man. That has got to be the grossest thing I have ever seen.
Greham: Tell me about it. They were out of cheddar!
Striker: _ *sigh* OK, everyone except Rayen put their crap back.
Doel: *death glare*
Striker: Correction, everyone except Rayen and Doel put their crap back.
Doel: Smart man.
Dart: *puppy eyes*
Striker: And Dart, because I want to nick some of his stuff anyway.
Dart: Yay! *blink, pause* Waaaaait a second...
Miranda: *PMS glare, even deadlier than aforementioned death glare*
Striker: *blink, pause* Ah, what the hell. *piles all the stuff on the little conveyor belt thing* *tosses the clerk guy a wad of 100-dollar bills* Keep the change.
Clerk: O_O
Doel: Big stupid eyes tax. *takes all the change* Heh heh. *counting the bills*
************************************************************************
*Everyone is back in the RV*
Albert: *still glomped onto Miranda's midsection*
Miranda: *attempting to pry the deranged king off with a crowbar* &*#$!
Lloyd: *on the computer* *suddenly starts laughing hysterically*
Striker: What the hell are you on about?
Lloyd: *holds up a sheet of paper that just finished printing*
Lavitz: Gimme that. *reads it* It's a declaration from the government. Winglies are officially an endangered species.
Striker: What!? *snatches paper and reads it* Noooooooooooooooooooo!
Lavitz: This means you can't beat the crap out of Lloyd for no reason... or for any reason, for that matter.
Lloyd: That's right! *pushes the author over and seizes the Gamecube controller*
Striker: Why you little...
Lloyd: *holds up paper and smirks*
Striker: *eye twitch*
Author's Note: Whee, what will I do now that I can't bash Lloyd? Will Dart manage to burn Oregon to the ground? What the hell is a giant Oregonian tapir? All these questions will be answered next chappy, except for the last one, which I will answer now. A tapir is a weird fuzzy animal that looks like a pig. Like I said, there's a picture of them if you look in the dictionary. The whole giant Oregonian thing I made up, they're native to Africa, I think... Anyway, review and be happy!