claviger - geri m. [the key-bearer] , of Janus.
Act III, Scene Four: Claviger.
It was raining.
No, no: it was pouring.
He couldn't see the difference, but he could definitely feel it. He was fighting a hard battle against nature, charging forward into the storm as the wind and rain threatened to blow him off the castle down through miles of mist to No Man's Land.
Riku felt his way along, his hands slipping down the wall. He knew the way. He didn't want to admit it to himself, but he knew the way.
It was deep into the night by this time. Hours had passed since his heated argument with Avarielle.
He…
Why did he always push her away?
The chains seemed heavier than a second earlier. Like Fate was giving him a physical reminder of his mistakes.
He sneered angrily up at Fate. Fate, who probably just laughed in return.
It had taken him all this time to calm down and begin to sort through everything. Most of these hours had been spent banging his head on the wall (hey, it had been right in front of him). Amazingly, his heart persisted to hurt more than his forehead, no matter how hard he had worked for the contrary.
He had just gotten to thinking, and thinking wasn't so good in this place.
He shivered, even though he had long since grown tolerant of the rain.
Finally, his path along the wall brought him stumbling inside for the last time. He walked slowly in the cool, musty air, the water running in rivulets off his naked skin to form a wet trail behind him.
He pulled his hair back; it was clinging desperately to his face with the moisture.
He stopped at the entrance to the final room.
Riku had long ago learned to master the repression of Ansem's mind, another mind which slept within his own. But now that the silver-haired man stood in this room—oh, and he knew this room—he had his own past to confront. The nightmares that fringed his thoughts, that assaulted him in his sleep…
They were steadily coming to life.
One slow step, and then another, and at last another… He moved slowly—
awkwardly for a man of his stealth and youth—deeper into the chamber where it had all climaxed. The chamber where he had fought—nearly to the death—his best friend.
But now, another thought struggled to the surface in his mind.
He could sense her presence.
"Ava?" Riku tried weakly. He stumbled to the center of the room, no longer anything to hold his hand against. His toe hit something and it took all his coordination to fall back and not over whatever it was.
He touched it, finding it to be the soft skin of a hand. He knew that it had to be Ava's hand, for he had held it many times before. He thought secretly that such hands were not meant to bear a weapon, but he knew she'd be displeased to hear that.
"Ava?" he tried again. He got no response and, in turn, became worried. "Ava?" He called her name again several more times before he managed to touch her forehead and then nose, and then hold his hand over her smooth lips.
The tiniest puff of air came out, dispersed, and then came again.
She was breathing.
Riku was so relieved he swept her small body up into his arms before he knew what he was doing. Seconds earlier the most horrendous of fears had passed through his thoughts and had been fought down by the urgency to find out how she was and then to hold her close.
She moaned softly and stirred the tiniest bit, so he lay her down gently with her neck and head over his arms. She didn't seem to wake.
Riku worked it out with his body so that his legs were sprawled across the floor. He was drained, not to mention soaked. Ava seemed all right.
She wouldn't wake, but that was probably for the best.
He curled his fingers into hers, the loose grip somehow easing his troubled heart.
Why couldn't he tell her…that he needed her?
It was good she wouldn't wake. At least for now. She would be surprised and angered by his presence. He would take that hatred that burned deep within him and shoot it out like a dragon's flame, just as he had before.
He held her hand, and he felt better. He didn't know if he loved her. He didn't think he did. It was just that she… When he was around her, she…
She was needed. Desperately.
Riku knew full well that she had grown up without tales of fairytale romance, without childhood games, without a parent's love. She didn't really know about love at all.
He couldn't understand the words that had come out of his mouth. He felt horrible about it all. How she had been a prostitute. He didn't understand how anyone could willingly sell her dignity for a price. Something about the idea of Ava giving herself up for a few coins several nights a week made him angry.
Not angry with her, but that's who he yelled at.
It was the world that was the problem.
Riku thought they had escaped Caelestis, but he was realizing that its horrors left scars that were burned into him forever. Was it the same for Avarielle? Or was she getting past it?
He thought this unlikely as he slightly shifted his arms.
Riku's head spun at the sound.
The sound of footsteps.
"Who's there?" he called.
The footsteps slowed. They were heavy, baring a lot of weight. They were deliberate, slowed by thought. They were close, ready to strike.
"Who's there?" Riku asked again, this time in a growl.
"It's nobody," said a deep voice Riku was pretty sure he didn't know well. He also heard some sort of flapping. Although it wasn't quite that of cloth…
Riku tensed, using his body as a shield against the voice a few feet from his back.
"Stand down," said the voice, amused. "The woman is fine. I have no intention of hurting anyone tonight."
Riku wasn't about to trust this man.
"Why are you here?"
The man completely ignored the question. There was the shuffling of cloth and feet, as if he was changing position slightly. "That woman has no idea of the dark power she uses with each stroke of her staff."
Riku was silent, but the rippling of his muscles on his bare, wet back must have been enough of a clue to his inquiries.
"You realize what she holds in her hand?"
"It's a Key. That's all I know."
"How could an ordinary Key—not that they are commonplace—pull the shattered remnants of a broken man's heart into a weapon of the Heart?"
The question penetrated the silence, hanging in the musty air of the chamber.
"I don't know," Riku lied.
"You know what she holds."
"I don't know," he insisted again, clenching his free hand into a fist. At that moment, he was so angry at his barren eyes. Riku wanted to stare the stranger down for that mocking tone of his—for the amusement in his voice and manner.
"Do you know what it does?"
Shut up, Riku snarled in his mind, but curiosity sealed his dry lips.
"Do you know what power has burned that scar into your back?"
Shut up, he thought again despite his intrigue.
"As your heart becomes more fragmented with your self-loathing, she must work harder and harder each time to draw your power out. Did you know that?"
"Be quiet! How would you know any of this?"
"It's not my place to tell."
"Then why is it your place to taunt me with riddles? Get out of here."
"The job of the Keybearer is not as easy one. Yet, to hold a Key when one has no faith, when one loathes his own self… That is the most difficult task of all."
The stranger clapped his hands together three slow, mocking times.
"How dare you?" screamed Riku, letting Ava slip off his lap to the cold floor. He charged at the voice, running with his arms outstretched, trying to catch this joker. "How could you know anything about it—!"
Riku tripped and crashed to the floor. His lip split open and began to bleed fervently. He spit some of the blood out before wiping at his mouth with the back of his naked forearm.
"Before you fulfill your destiny, I would suggest growing up," said the voice, and the stranger's footsteps disappeared through the entrance. If Riku had had his eyes, he would have watched after, would have seen one crooked wing emerging from a sea of long, silver hair…
Riku sat for a long time next to Ava's unconscious body. He was comforted somewhat by the faint rhythm of her breathing, which helped to drive out the howling of the winds outside.
He raised a few fingers to his lip, relieved to find out that it was now scabbing over. He had no idea how much blood was spread across the stone floor from his frantic actions earlier. He guessed the dark liquid spotted his clothing and skin as well as the cold surface beneath him.
Riku had no idea at this point that a large part of Ansem had passed from him to her unsuspecting mind during their times in the Portal of Thought. He wasn't even sure how many of his own thoughts now lingered with the woman's in the small, dark-haired head of hers.
But these things he didn't even consider. He was now fighting to hash out the words of the stranger.
Riku wondered if Ava had been having problems with her Keystaff. She hadn't seemed to be so far. It was always light in her hands, and she was growing more skillful with it. At least she had been progressing nicely when Riku could still see…
He slammed his fist on the floor. Damn. All the nuances of society were lost to him along with his vision. He couldn't read people's faces, or monitor their behavior, or any of it.
Being blind was almost…
Lonely.
Every situation he was in seemed to be missing something. Everyone treated him differently. As if, perhaps, his intelligence and personality had changed along with his eyes. Because one part of him was different, everything was different?
But this was nothing compared to the palpable pity and sympathy that followed him everywhere. His old friends felt sorry for him, his love felt sorry for him, even people he just met felt sorry for him.
His fist hit the floor again. It hurt, but he didn't care. It didn't hurt enough to distract him. Not anymore.
Kairi…
Riku fixed the girl's image in his mind. He knew he would never again know something so beautiful, even if his sight happened to return. Kairi…she had turned out much lovelier than he could have imagined, even in the depths of loneliness experienced in Caelestis.
But she had changed in more than appearance. The tenderness Kairi had shown Riku deeply contrasted the bitter face she had turned on Avarielle.
Sora broke his promise to take care of Kairi. So now it's my job to bring her happiness. I don't care if I have to bring Sora—I don't care if I have to bring her the moon itself! Seeing her again reminded me how deep my feelings are. I want to make her happy. I want to get rid of that bitterness that has grown in her years alone…whatever it takes.
"Whatever it takes," he repeated in a low voice to make the promise seem more real.
"Whatever what takes?" Avarielle said after groaning gently. She was waking up. She moaned again before gasping. "Riku!"
Riku tensed. The thoughts of Kairi flowed out of his mind. He remembered Ava now, and remembered the fight, and, most disturbing of all, remembered the stranger's words about her Keystaff.
Her hand softly lingered on his cheek. "There's blood all over your face…are you all right?"
She was distracted, forgetting the fight completely.
"Yeah, I'm fine," he told her coldly, craning his neck backward to avoid her.
She drew away. "Okay."
"I'll clean up later, all right?"
Avarielle didn't say anything, but he thought he heard the usual ruffles of her hair like she was nodding.
But them, arising from the uncomfortable silence, her whimpers arose.
"What? What is it?"
"Riku…" she tried. "What is this place? With the glass chambers?"
"This…"
"I feel such horrible emotions here!" she screamed out. "I feel someone's hatred burning inside my heart—Riku, what is it?"
"It's Ansem." Riku sighed, as all he could do was listen to her suffer through her own confusion. "I'm sorry… This is because of me."
"Ansem? Wasn't he the one who possessed you?"
She didn't sound altogether well. In fact, she didn't sound well at all. She sounded like she was speaking from a nightmare. Like she was beginning to go insane, and was maybe halfway there already.
"Riku…I'm scared…"
"Ava—"
"I can't handle this… My memories are all jumbled up. I can't remember who I am…Riku…"
He tried to reach out to her, but she had gotten up and was pacing around in circles, crying softly and then loudly from different parts of the room.
Finally, her small body landed in his arms, her tears began to slide down his chest, and her breathing slowed. She had again slipped into the realm of dreams.
Hopefully, not the realm of nightmares…
Riku walked slowly down through the castle, Avarielle still and quiet in his arms. His feet followed each other single file across the chilled stone and carpets teeming with dust. For the times he was outside, it grew increasingly warm and humid. Day was springing up after the night.
Eventually, Riku's intuition abandoned him and he was left to stumble around by himself. It was times like these that he realized how much he needed Ava's hand wrapped around his, her gentle words instructing to him to watch this or step over that.
"Hey. Hey, you there."
Riku stopped at the voice, turning his eerie white eyes towards it.
"Riku," said the voice. "It's me, Leon. What's wrong with the girl?"
"I think she's unconscious." Riku realized how dumb he must have sounded, saying that so plainly as he had.
"Where were you two all night? Aerith was worried." Leon approached with heavy footsteps. "She's a little cold… Let's get her to her bed."
"Yeah," Riku answered, a little relieved he didn't have to ask for help. It was for Ava, but…
"Hey, Yuffie, go get Aerith!" Leon called, his voice echoing down the corridor.
A high voice yelled back. "Yeah—hey, what's with—"
"Just get her," commanded the man. "Tell her to come to Avarielle's room."
"Fiiiiiine…"
Riku shifted uncomfortably as he waited for their conversation to end.
Leon finally told Riku to go, and they proceeded hurriedly. Riku had to rely on Leon's instructions, which were often too little too late. He half tripped several times, bothering to stop himself more for Ava than for his already dying pride.
After so much struggling, they were in Ava's room. It smelled of flower, or at least perfume. It smelled strongly of her, a scent he was growing accustomed to. The woman was placed on the bed, and she mumbled something softly.
"Is she awake?" Riku wondered.
"I don't think so."
Riku knelt down on the floor, his hand still lingering over hers, which was indeed cooler than normal. He could feel Leon moving around, bring the quilts over her body.
"She looks exhausted," Leon commented objectively.
Aerith ran in at that moment, audibly recovering her breath. "What's happened?"
"I'm not sure. She was very upset, and then she collapsed…" Riku's explanation was wandering, and half of last night he left out because of his own shame and his natural mistrust of things he could not see.
Aerith took several minutes to inspect the other woman, mumbling her thoughts, occasionally casting a humming magic.
"I can't wake her," she pronounced sadly.
Riku's upper teeth connected with his bottom lip and tore through the freshly sealed wound.
"Something happened in her mind…probably involving the Portal of Thought. I'm sorry. I think she had too much in her head. She couldn't handle it."
"She's gone insane?" wondered Yuffie, who had apparently come in, although there was no humor in her tone.
"I don't know…"
Riku's head hung down limply.
"What should we do?" Leon asked.
Aerith considered the situation over again. "There's nothing we can do. I suppose we have to let her rest for a while."
Riku's heart cried out with pain.
He felt like he was losing her…