Three Wishes: Chapter II
The enterprise soars across the screen with the usual heroic music blaring in the background. Cut to Archer and the crew on the bridge.
Archer: Good morning everyone. And I'd like to mention, today we are missing two members of our crew, Trip and Malcolm. Trip is in sickbay because Malcolm beat him up. Malcolm is suspended from his position until he can convince me he won't beat anyone up anymore.
The scene pauses and the blue Genie (Robin Williams) jumps in front of the picture in his normal, hyper way.
Robin Williams: Hi everyone! Does that scene make sense? Well, it should, and if it doesn't than what the hell are you reading this for? Read the first chapter first, moron! All of you non-retards that are still sitting here may read on. Just keep in mind, what happened last time. Malcolm beat the shit out of Trip. Just had to say it. Resume!
Travis: Good luck with that. (sarcasm)
Archer: What did you say?
Travis: I just meant-
Archer: Shut up! I don't need you to have more lines than absolutely necessary! Your lines should be small, like a small newborn gazelle. Once it was born, it tried to stand up, seconds later, it was on its feet. Before I knew it, it was running around. Then it started to talk to me...
Travis: Sir, how the hell does a newborn gazelle relate to what you're trying to say?
Archer: I don't know, Travis. But it worked with the Vulcans.
Hoshi: The Vulcans are morons, sir. You can kill them by putting a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
T'Pol: Hoshi, that's mean.
Archer: She's right, though. The Vulcans are dumbasses.
T'Pol leaves the bridge in a way that is as angry as she can get (not really that angry).
Archer: Leave the bridge, Travis.
Travis: But, why?
Archer: I don't want you to have any more lines than you need to. Leave before you have more lines than anyone else.
Travis leaves the bridge, making sure to not say anything.
Archer: I guess it's just you and me, Hoshi.
Hoshi: Ewww! Gross! Nasty old guy! Yuck!
Hoshi flees from the room in terror.
Archer: Damn. She ran away. They all run away.
Meanwhile, in sickbay:
Phlox: Trip! You're awake!
Trip: Phlox?
Phlox: Yes? Just because I didn't have any lines last chapter doesn't mean I died. Cheer up.
Trip: I can't.
Phlox: Why not? Maybe it's...sexual tension.
Trip: Dear Lord, no!
Phlox: I'm not suggesting that you have sex with me....although whatever smokes your drawers.
Trip: No!!!! Please no more!!!!
Phlox: Hold on. I'll make you some tongue-goo and toe nail clipping margarita.
Trip: Ewww...nasty!
Phlox: You want it on the rocks?
Trip: Can't I just discuss my problem?
Phlox: Sure. After all, this is your chapter.
Trip: Thank you. I'm just so sad because my best friend on Enterprise beat the shit out of me. I'd like to think he's a better man. Maybe its that night in Shuttlepod One I that made me like him so much.
Phlox: You know what, I really don't want to know what you did in there. It's not my business what, or who, you do in your spare time. I really don't want to know what goes on in your bed.
Trip: Umm...yeah that's disgusting. I'm leaving.
Phlox: No! Stay! Are you better?
Trip: After that conversation, I'm scarred for life.
Trip gets up off those uncomfortable cot-like beds and runs in fear out of sickbay. In the hall, he is greeted by a familiar face.
Mysterious Voice: Hey, Trip!
Trip: Mom?
Mysterious Voice: No, retard, its the genie.
Trip: Huh?
Genie: Okay, Robin Williams.
Trip: I thought that was just a strange dream. Oh, speaking of strange dreams, this one time I had a dream where I was on a raft floating down a river, but it was a river of gravy. And instead of using an oar, it was a Q-tip.
Robin Williams: Okaaaay....anyway, I was able to sneak back onto the ship by rubbing against the wall of my lamp and creating static electricity so that I could cling myself to a crewman's pant leg.
Trip: And they didn't notice?
Robin Williams: It was one of your engineers.
Trip: Oh, okay. That makes sense.
Robin Williams: Anyway, I'm still in my lamp so it might help your reputation if you weren't standing in the middle of the hall talking to a lamp.
Trip: Huh?
Robin Williams: Take me to your quarters and rub me, moron.
Trip: You've got a mouth on you.
Robin Williams: That ain't nothing. You haven't heard my HBO special.
Trip took Robin Williams to his quarters to rub his lamp. (Get your mind out of the gutters, people. This ain't porn!) After an hour of trying to figure out how it worked, Trip finally managed to get Robin Williams out of his tiny little home.
Robin Williams: You've got three wishes, pal, the rules are: no world changing wishes, you can't wish two wishes and wish for eleventy billion more wishes, no wishing for uninhabited planets (they're really heavy), and no wishes that the author of this story will have a hard time describing. You got that?
Trip: Uhhhhhhh....how'd you fit that all into one sentence?
Robin Williams: I don't know, I don't care, I'm friggin hyper! What's your first wish?
Trip: Ah'Len.
Robin Williams: Bless you. Now what's your first wish?
Trip: Ah'Len, I want to see Ah'Len again.
Robin Williams: That rhymed! Hehe. And here she is!
Silly String shoots out of Robin Williams's fingers and Ah'Len appears in front of Trip.
Trip: Son of a bitch...howd'ja do that?
Robin Williams: I'm a friggin genie for cryin' out loud. I can do whatever I want...except set myself free.
Trip: Yeah, whatever.
Ah'Len: What do you want me to do, Trip?
Trip: Keep your clothes on, you're uglier than I remember. Hold on, I bet you drugged me with those damn "water cubes" just to get me into bed. Son of a bitch.
Ah'Len: I didn't think you'd be smart enough to find out, I'm sorry.
Trip: I don't want to see you anymore, you baby-making bitch. I wish you'd just leave me alone.
Robin Williams: Wish granted!
And with that, Robin Williams fooled Trip into wishing her away, losing two wishes on one thing. He's so stupid you have to feel bad for the guy.
Trip: Damn!
Robin Williams: What's your last wish, smart one? Are you going to wish for my freedom?
Trip: Yeah right, that one has the chance of a snowball in hell. How about....toast.
Robin Williams: Toast?
Trip: Toast. Just to make you feel even worse about yourself. Toast. You are less important than toast. Toast, toast, toast.
Robin Williams: Ha! You wasted your last wish on toast! I've never heard of a stupider wish! Now when you rub me from now on, you wont be able to get anymore wishes, I'll just get horny. Ha! Oooh, I'm Trip, I wish for toast. Riches? Fame? Nope. I feel like toast.
Robin Williams turns into a blue puffball and throws a peace of toast at Trip right before going back into his lamp.
Trip: SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!
Trip runs with the lamp into the male lavatories and trys to flush the lamp down the toilet. It just clinks against the sides of the bowl and floats. Trip angrily speed-walks back onto the bridge to find Archer sitting in his chair all alone playing Space Invaders on the huge screen.
Meanwhile.....
Phlox: Man, if I don't take a crap now, I'm going to explode. Hmm? What's this?
DUN, DUN DUN!!!!!!
Tune in next chapter to find out more crap you don't need to know.
The enterprise soars across the screen with the usual heroic music blaring in the background. Cut to Archer and the crew on the bridge.
Archer: Good morning everyone. And I'd like to mention, today we are missing two members of our crew, Trip and Malcolm. Trip is in sickbay because Malcolm beat him up. Malcolm is suspended from his position until he can convince me he won't beat anyone up anymore.
The scene pauses and the blue Genie (Robin Williams) jumps in front of the picture in his normal, hyper way.
Robin Williams: Hi everyone! Does that scene make sense? Well, it should, and if it doesn't than what the hell are you reading this for? Read the first chapter first, moron! All of you non-retards that are still sitting here may read on. Just keep in mind, what happened last time. Malcolm beat the shit out of Trip. Just had to say it. Resume!
Travis: Good luck with that. (sarcasm)
Archer: What did you say?
Travis: I just meant-
Archer: Shut up! I don't need you to have more lines than absolutely necessary! Your lines should be small, like a small newborn gazelle. Once it was born, it tried to stand up, seconds later, it was on its feet. Before I knew it, it was running around. Then it started to talk to me...
Travis: Sir, how the hell does a newborn gazelle relate to what you're trying to say?
Archer: I don't know, Travis. But it worked with the Vulcans.
Hoshi: The Vulcans are morons, sir. You can kill them by putting a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
T'Pol: Hoshi, that's mean.
Archer: She's right, though. The Vulcans are dumbasses.
T'Pol leaves the bridge in a way that is as angry as she can get (not really that angry).
Archer: Leave the bridge, Travis.
Travis: But, why?
Archer: I don't want you to have any more lines than you need to. Leave before you have more lines than anyone else.
Travis leaves the bridge, making sure to not say anything.
Archer: I guess it's just you and me, Hoshi.
Hoshi: Ewww! Gross! Nasty old guy! Yuck!
Hoshi flees from the room in terror.
Archer: Damn. She ran away. They all run away.
Meanwhile, in sickbay:
Phlox: Trip! You're awake!
Trip: Phlox?
Phlox: Yes? Just because I didn't have any lines last chapter doesn't mean I died. Cheer up.
Trip: I can't.
Phlox: Why not? Maybe it's...sexual tension.
Trip: Dear Lord, no!
Phlox: I'm not suggesting that you have sex with me....although whatever smokes your drawers.
Trip: No!!!! Please no more!!!!
Phlox: Hold on. I'll make you some tongue-goo and toe nail clipping margarita.
Trip: Ewww...nasty!
Phlox: You want it on the rocks?
Trip: Can't I just discuss my problem?
Phlox: Sure. After all, this is your chapter.
Trip: Thank you. I'm just so sad because my best friend on Enterprise beat the shit out of me. I'd like to think he's a better man. Maybe its that night in Shuttlepod One I that made me like him so much.
Phlox: You know what, I really don't want to know what you did in there. It's not my business what, or who, you do in your spare time. I really don't want to know what goes on in your bed.
Trip: Umm...yeah that's disgusting. I'm leaving.
Phlox: No! Stay! Are you better?
Trip: After that conversation, I'm scarred for life.
Trip gets up off those uncomfortable cot-like beds and runs in fear out of sickbay. In the hall, he is greeted by a familiar face.
Mysterious Voice: Hey, Trip!
Trip: Mom?
Mysterious Voice: No, retard, its the genie.
Trip: Huh?
Genie: Okay, Robin Williams.
Trip: I thought that was just a strange dream. Oh, speaking of strange dreams, this one time I had a dream where I was on a raft floating down a river, but it was a river of gravy. And instead of using an oar, it was a Q-tip.
Robin Williams: Okaaaay....anyway, I was able to sneak back onto the ship by rubbing against the wall of my lamp and creating static electricity so that I could cling myself to a crewman's pant leg.
Trip: And they didn't notice?
Robin Williams: It was one of your engineers.
Trip: Oh, okay. That makes sense.
Robin Williams: Anyway, I'm still in my lamp so it might help your reputation if you weren't standing in the middle of the hall talking to a lamp.
Trip: Huh?
Robin Williams: Take me to your quarters and rub me, moron.
Trip: You've got a mouth on you.
Robin Williams: That ain't nothing. You haven't heard my HBO special.
Trip took Robin Williams to his quarters to rub his lamp. (Get your mind out of the gutters, people. This ain't porn!) After an hour of trying to figure out how it worked, Trip finally managed to get Robin Williams out of his tiny little home.
Robin Williams: You've got three wishes, pal, the rules are: no world changing wishes, you can't wish two wishes and wish for eleventy billion more wishes, no wishing for uninhabited planets (they're really heavy), and no wishes that the author of this story will have a hard time describing. You got that?
Trip: Uhhhhhhh....how'd you fit that all into one sentence?
Robin Williams: I don't know, I don't care, I'm friggin hyper! What's your first wish?
Trip: Ah'Len.
Robin Williams: Bless you. Now what's your first wish?
Trip: Ah'Len, I want to see Ah'Len again.
Robin Williams: That rhymed! Hehe. And here she is!
Silly String shoots out of Robin Williams's fingers and Ah'Len appears in front of Trip.
Trip: Son of a bitch...howd'ja do that?
Robin Williams: I'm a friggin genie for cryin' out loud. I can do whatever I want...except set myself free.
Trip: Yeah, whatever.
Ah'Len: What do you want me to do, Trip?
Trip: Keep your clothes on, you're uglier than I remember. Hold on, I bet you drugged me with those damn "water cubes" just to get me into bed. Son of a bitch.
Ah'Len: I didn't think you'd be smart enough to find out, I'm sorry.
Trip: I don't want to see you anymore, you baby-making bitch. I wish you'd just leave me alone.
Robin Williams: Wish granted!
And with that, Robin Williams fooled Trip into wishing her away, losing two wishes on one thing. He's so stupid you have to feel bad for the guy.
Trip: Damn!
Robin Williams: What's your last wish, smart one? Are you going to wish for my freedom?
Trip: Yeah right, that one has the chance of a snowball in hell. How about....toast.
Robin Williams: Toast?
Trip: Toast. Just to make you feel even worse about yourself. Toast. You are less important than toast. Toast, toast, toast.
Robin Williams: Ha! You wasted your last wish on toast! I've never heard of a stupider wish! Now when you rub me from now on, you wont be able to get anymore wishes, I'll just get horny. Ha! Oooh, I'm Trip, I wish for toast. Riches? Fame? Nope. I feel like toast.
Robin Williams turns into a blue puffball and throws a peace of toast at Trip right before going back into his lamp.
Trip: SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!
Trip runs with the lamp into the male lavatories and trys to flush the lamp down the toilet. It just clinks against the sides of the bowl and floats. Trip angrily speed-walks back onto the bridge to find Archer sitting in his chair all alone playing Space Invaders on the huge screen.
Meanwhile.....
Phlox: Man, if I don't take a crap now, I'm going to explode. Hmm? What's this?
DUN, DUN DUN!!!!!!
Tune in next chapter to find out more crap you don't need to know.