Note: I didn't know what Quirrell's first name was, so just made one up. Hope enjoy this one, and remember to review!

Jaderising

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Twisted Diary of Jeremy Quirrell

Year 1

Entry 1

Shopping day was total disaster. Voldie wanted me to buy him red lipstick, but when told him he didn't have any lips, he got all sulky and refused to talk to me. Told him I didn't care if he never talks to me.

But got little worried. My eye began to twitch along with my stuttering.

Bought a new leather whip and chain on impulse. Hope to try them out soon.

Harry Potter showed up at Leaky Cauldron.

Voldie wanted me to ask Potter for an autograph. Wanted to give him an evil eye, but realized he couldn't see my eyes. Asked him why he wanted an autograph from a boy who killed him. Voldie admitted that he wanted to sell the autograph on ebay, so he could buy a horse saddle.

Wondered about what he said, until got a headache from my butterbeer.

At least he wasn't sulking anymore, so decided to get the autograph from Potter.

Got chickened out when Potter wanted to touch my hand. Don't like little kid touching my clean hands, and started to stutter to cover up my dislike of germy kid.

Voldie made fun of me the whole day, calling me Germy Quirrell. He won't stop after I told him to shut up. Even during our illegal joy ride down the Gringotts tunnel, he kept yapping.

Wanted to whip his arse, then remembered he didn't have any arse.

Finally, gave in, and bought him damn lipstick to shut him up. Hope he doesn't want me to put it on my head. Wearing stupid cloths to cover up his face is one thing, wearing lipsticks on back of my head is another.

Entry 2

He made me wear the lipstick. Good thing I could cover it up. V. sulky about loosing it to no-body. Got that, Voldie? Ahh, he doesn't get it. Stupid arse-less git.

Also remembered that I forgot to buy new lotion gloves for my hands. V. disappointed in myself. Went to see Dumbledore to ask if he had a spare. Thought I saw him checking himself out in his purple nightie with weird chain around his neck. Kinda excited but realized that he could have been casting a new spell.

He looked flustered when I asked him about the gloves, said didn't have one, but gave me a raise instead. Guess, he thought I needed money. Not that I complain. Celebrated the new raise by trying on the new leather mask.

It was too big.

V. grumpy.

Entry 3

Sulking all day until Snape sat down and started to brag me about his 1 galleon raise from Dumbledore. Didn't tell him about my own 2 galleon raise. Tried not to look smug, cuz Snape looked hot in his black robe.

Thought out loud that he would look great in leather with dog collar. But Snape was staring intensely at Potter. Finally, began to wonder if he wanted an autograph from him or something. Started to wish that I had a lightening bolt scar, so he would want an autograph from me too.

Hope Snape's into three some, cuz Voldie claims he ain't going anywhere for a long time.

Decided to shrink the over sized leather mask. V. satisfied with the result. Now all I need is dog collar wearing Snape.

Entry 4

Discreatly followed Snape everywhere he went. Try to cast him my come hither look at him all day, but strangely he was immune.

Shall try again.

Spied Snape going to see Pomfrey. Wandered if Pomfrey was attractive sort.

Found out she wasn't. Felt secure.

Unless Snape was into women in uniform…

In panic, told Pomfrey Snape was into body bondage. Think she found the information horrid. Felt secure yet again.

Entry 5

Think Snape is avoiding me. Saw him practically run out when I came for breakfast, with his black robe swerving behind him. Wondered how he did that so dramatically.

Decided to give it a try in my empty classroom.

Didn't go too well. Tripped five times. Wondered if Snape practice his move to show off his figure.

V. depressing to go to bed alone. I mean as alone as I could get with Voldie on my other head.

Entry 6

Cornered Snape. Confessed my desire, but he said he won't go out with me unless bought him a troll. Never knew Snape had a troll fettish.

Oh well, no one's perfect.

Decided to stop sulking and get to work. All I needed was a stupid troll. Wondered where I would find such creature.

One good thing: Snape is definitely into threesome. Now maybe he would wear that dog collar I saved for him.

Entry 17

Gave Hagrid a dragon egg to get him to part with a troll, he had saved up for the rainy day. Shall go see about that troll tomorrow and strike up a deal.

Entry 18

The stupid troll only wanted someone to stick up something in his nose. Kinda got why Snape liked trolls so much after that. Told him I would stick something big in his nose, when he comes to my little Halloween party I had planned at Snape's dungeon.

Couldn't see what's so hot about trolls, except they have very tight nose holes. Shall try out new things, so won't get outdated. Found out the trolls were the busiest on the night of Halloween. Made a date on the night of Halloween. Hope Snape will appreciate it and be impressed.

Can't wait for the night to come.

Entry 30

Everything was ready. Voldie said he wanted to check out the school, so told him to go ahead. Voldie was being very nice now, seeing how hard I had worked to get the troll.

Put the troll in Snape's bed, but the troll said he only had a limited time, cuz he had another appointment right after at Malfoys. Had to run off to tell Snape about the gift.

Realized too late that in my excited preparation forgot to eat any meal.

Note to self: Never run with empty stomach.

Fainted in front of Headmaster. Woke up later alone. Troll was long gone, but he had gotten something stuck inside his nose, so didn't had to pay him or anything.

Waited for Snape in his bed anyway. Snape came in limping later, and told me to get out. Guessed he was disappointed that troll was gone. Shall think of something else to impress him.

Entry 31

Told Voldie that I needed space cuz Snape might not like the idea of threesome.

Pissed off Voldie.

Not.

Good.

Tried to call the troll back after Voldie left, but he was booked until next Halloween, so finally gave up. V. annoyed at myself. Decided to spank myself to feel better.

Entry 32

Voldie went missing the whole night. He came back all smug with unicorn smell on him. Didn't know he was into horses.

Told him he could have my cousin's horse during the summer. We are in good terms again.

Tried to talk to Snape, but Filch was guarding his door. Will try again later.

Entry 33

Filch was there again.

Think maybe Filch fancies Snape. Not that I worry. Filch was into cats, and don't think Snape was into animals, well…. except trolls…but they are practically human.

And I did overheard Snape calling Filch a squid, which is definitely not very attractive thing to call a person. Seen the giant squid. Was ugly.

Feeling secure over all.

Entry 40

Finally cornered Snape. Told him that he would like my new whips and wearing the leather, a leather thong to be exact, I got for him.

He said he didn't like being hit on.

Decided to act all Mary Sue.

Then Snape got this angry look in his eyes, and took my shirts by force. Mentally applauded my reverse psychology.

Then damn Filch interrupted us with an excuse that a student was out of bound. Gave him a good warning glare while we searched the corridor, and decided not to give him an inch, when clearly Snape was close to wanting moi.

Followed Snape all night, trying to shake off Filch.

Didn't work.

Went to bed alone and exhausted.

Entry 42

Reevaluated my tactic concerning Snape. Decided to give him more of my reverse psychology: no talking or pay attention to him.

Voldie said Snape would be begging me to collar him by the end of the week. He suggested I should kill Potter in a mean time.

Asked him why. Said Potter walked in on his horsey date in the Dark Forest.

Entry 46

Voldie was wrong. No begging Snape as of yet.

Entry 47

Still no begging Snape, and my poor collars are not being used.

Entry 48

Started to get mad at Snape for being immune to my tactic.

Entry 56

Now I am pissed at Snape.

Entry 57

Felt guilty that I was mad at Snape for so long. Decided to forgive him tomorrow.

Entry 56

Told Snape that I forgave him at the Quidditch match.

Got really mad, when he didn't care for my heart wrench confession. Noticed that Snape was staring at Potter again, far too many times.

He had moved on.

Already.

Voldie was right. Decided to kill slutty Potter. Failed, when Potter groupie number one Hermione Granger body slammed me by surprise.

Should have known that Potter was moving in on Snape from the first day. Thought about coaxing Potter groupie number one Granger to help break them up, but realized she probably won't want to kill Potter.

V. bitter day.

Thought about killing Potter 15. Thought about whipping Snape 37.

Entry 65

Snape denied that he was into Potter. Accused him of being in denial.

Decided to kill Potter before the school was out. Told Filch about Potter and Snape. If my luck holds, Potter would be gone before this week.

Thought about killing Potter 43. Thought about spanking Snape 5.

Entry 70

Filch couldn't kill Potter, cuz he needed to watch Mrs. Norris. Told him he was too chicken to date Snape. He got offended and left, trying to imitate the dramatic exit of Snape, but failing miserably.

Note to self: Ask Snape about robe swerving technique before the school is out.

Entry 89

It was as I had expected. Filch was into cats. Saw Filch stroking a cat that looked strangely like Snape. Got strangely excited myself. However, upon closer look, turned out to be Mrs. Norris wearing Snape look-a-like mask.

Think I am surrounded by losers.

Voldie is moaning on about his last horsey date gone wrong. Told him to date some thing that is not so well hung. Reminding him that he didn't have an arse.

Sure, he has his mouth…

Entry 90

….maybe that was why he wanted to use his red lipstick so much. O-o

Entry 124

Voldie said I could look at this cool mirror that showed the best porn action. Got excited at the prospect of watching some. Went through the stupid enchantments and protections to the mirror of Erised.

Stood in front of it to watch, when slutty Potter came in. Told him to get lost, cuz he was underage and wasn't supposed to watch this sort of thing. He got defensive and claimed that he was only there to stop me and Voldie from stealing some stupid stone.

Told his slutty face that I didn't care. Started to watch the action in mirror, when slutty Potter decided to grab my face with his germy hands. Got violent allergic reaction from his germy hands, and crumbled to death.

Voldie left to find another horsey date potential in the wood. Dumbledore came and took slutty Potter. He was wearing his purple nightie again. Wondered what he was doing in London wearing that nightie.

Decided to haunt Snape's bedroom until he comes back from his summerhouse. Hope Filch won't perform exorcism on me.

Remembered that Filch was Sqib. Felt secure.

Note to self: Slutty Potter is dirty, never know where he's been, don't touch him even as a ghost.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Katy999: Glad you found it funny and disturbing.

Ivory Tower: Glad you want more! I shall do more soon.

CleopatraVII: Thanks for pointing out the sqib and squid thing. Worked it into my story, all thanks to you! Year 2 of Snape's diary will be done after I finish with all the Year 1 diaries.