::Between Love and Hate::
Himura Kawaii
Chapter Ten
Part One
*** Disclaimers apply... Blah blah. RK's not mine. Hail the Great Watsuki- sama. I'm now a college stud, but still poor!!.... Don't sue me! ^_^
Well, if you're happy then I'm blue 'Cause I'm not so far, but not with you And I can't see, why we can't see each other I telephone but you're sleeping forever
"Kaori?"
"Ne, Yoshi?"
Yoshi peered into Kaori's tear-streaked face and sighed. She hadn't spoken a word since they left the airport, nor had she made any attempt to wipe the tears that were constantly flowing out of her eyes.
He was REALLY worried now.
"Do you want to stop somewhere and talk about it?"
Kaori shook her head without even turning to look at Yoshi. "Iie."
"What do you feel Kaori? Tell me." Yoshi put some force into his words, hoping to get through to her.
But Kaori just shook her head, pretending to focus on driving. The snow was coming down a bit too strong now and it took some effort and slow driving to be able to get through. In Yoshi's opinion, Kaori shouldn't even be driving at this state, and at her state.
"Kaori, please, I'm worried about you." Yoshi was now pleading. "Please stop crying. Please Kaori..?"
Kaori suddenly turned on an empty parking space and stepped on the breaks.
She buried her face in her hands and started to sob loudly. Her whole body trembled as she cried. Yoshi removed his seat belt and hugged her tightly as if to keep her from falling apart and breaking into pieces.
"Ssshh niichan.. It's going to be okay." Yoshi stroked her back in a big brotherly way. "It's going to be okay." He repeated.
Kaori broke the hug and stared at Yoshi like a lost girl. "But it's not. Can't you see? He left. He's gone. I pushed him away."
She choked back the words and a fresh round of tears spilled on her cheeks.
"I hated him, I loved him.. I didn't know what I wanted. And now that I do, he's never coming back." Kaori furiously wiped her face with the back of her hand. "It's all my fault."
Yoshi didn't know what to say. Sure, he and Kaori were siblings and he cared for her more than he would ever admit, but he never really knew the extent of the happenings between Kaori and Kenji.
He wasn't aware how much Kaori loved Kenji.
"You didn't know how much you loved him 'til now, did you?" He found himself blurting out.
Kaori looked down at her hands. "I thought I could never love anyone more than I love Arashi."
Yoshi nodded. He understood everything that happened between Arashi and Kaori. There was an unspoken understanding regarding that matter.
Kaori continued. "But then, when Kenji came, he triggered something in me. He stirred up my emotions and made me confused. I'm still confused, Yosh. All I know is that I wanted him back so badly."
Kaori sighed and managed a weak smile while a tear fell.
Yoshi shook his head in a knowing way.
"Nii-chan?"
"Aa?"
"Maybe that's why he didn't stay."
Kaori raised an eyebrow. "Nani?"
"Maybe that's why he didn't stay. Maybe he knew that you still didn't know how you felt for him." Yoshi explained. "There's no certainty there, you see?"
Kaori stared straight ahead. "But is there certainty in anything?"
"Then you should've went ahead and told him how you REALLY felt. To be certain is to be rational. And to be rational means not to be in love." Yoshi argued.
Kaori had to smile at this remark. "Since when did you become an authority with these matters?"
"Oh, I have always been an authority on everything, busu!" Yoshi retorted. "At least I made you smile, ne?" Yoshi reasoned while Kaori tried to whack him.
"Ne, Arigatou Yoshi-CHAN." Kaori retorted as she started the engine and they drove towards home.
"Kaori?"
"What now?"
"Are you okay now?"
"No, I'm not." Kaori paused. "But I guess I will be."
"And when is that?"
"Soon."
"Oh." Yoshi looked at his window and let out a breath. He stared at the flakes of snow falling down on the road.
It had just started to snow. Winter had just begun.
Was pain like the seasons? Does it pass with time? Do you leave everything behind?
Yoshi continued to stare unseeingly. He knew too well that 'soon' wasn't coming soon enough.
Spring seemed so, so far.
A month passed.
Two months.
Still nothing was heard from Kenji.
Three months.
Everyone has moved on.
Three painful months for Kaori.
The gumi is worried. Her activities and schoolwork have been slipping.
She hasn't been eating a lot, her mom observed.
Could she be coming down with something?
Yoshi is uneasy. When was 'soon' going to happen?
Dark circles have started to appear under her eyes. This is not good, Arashi thought.
Nothing wrong with her body, the doctor said.
Should she go to a shrink?
Misao is scared; even Meimi doesn't know what to do.
Kaori is falling apart.
It's been raining like the southern army where I stand
Is it sunny where you are?
Is it Sunny Where You Are?
Rivermaya
"Kaori, what's up?" Arashi lightly asked Kaori as they walked to school that day.
"Nothing much.." Kaori answered listlessly. "Just the same everyday stuff.."
Arashi frowned. "No, I meant, what is up with YOU?"
Kaori looked at Arashi innocently. "I'm good, I guess."
"No you're not. Don't you think it's taking you a bit too long to recover?" Arashi stopped in front of Kaori.
"I don't want to talk about this, okay?" Kaori pushed Arashi aside.
"No. We need to talk, YOU need to talk." Arashi insisted, blocking her path. "I am supposed to be your closest friend. And then Kenji leaves and suddenly, we don't know what's going on with you."
"Can we just drop it?" Kaori asked hotly. "What do you want mo to say? That I tried to stop him from leaving but he left anyway! Is that what you want me to say? That I fell in love a bit too late? That I'm going through hell just because of some guy who came and left!"
"He shouldn't have come, Arashi! He shouldn't have. But he did. He left. When he left he took my heart with him. He took my pride. He took everything without even knowing it. I have nothing left, Arashi. Is that what you want to hear?!?!"
Kaori fell on her knees, weeping. Arashi wrapped his arms around her, not knowing how to comfort her, not knowing what words to tell her.
Kaori managed to stop crying, but she still continued to talk. "Do you know how this makes me feel? I wake up every single day, hoping each day is better than the last. But no. I see him everywhere I turn. I am reminded of what could have been if it hadn't been for my stupidity. I am haunted by the thought that he and that Tomoe had gotten back together. Even the memory of her face taunts me."
"Even going to school annoys me. What's the point of studying hard when there's no one to beat?" Kaori smiled bitterly. "Without realizing it, he has become a big part of me."
Arashi clung on to Kaori as she shook with all these repressed emotions.
God, if she knew how much he wanted to take her pain away and keep it for himself. He wanted her to be happy, the way he was now happy with Misao.
"I can't live with myself knowing how much I wasted, knowing how much I pushed away." Kaori looked at Arashi, seeming to look for answers in his ice blue eyes.
Arashi didn't say a word; he just kept on shushing Kaori and holding her close to him. He didn't know how to help her.
He was hoping, that somehow, his presence would help ease the pain.
"You still want to go to school?" Arashi asked as they stood up. "I could take you home. I could even watch over you."
Kaori shook her head and clutched Arashi's hand and squeezed it. "Iie. We're going to school. As long as I have you guys to back me up, I can manage."
Arashi nodded. And took her bag.
But it just isn't enough, ne Kaori? He thought to himself. You need him.
"I'm okay." Kaori insisted as Shino asked her for the hundredth time that day. "I just don't feel like going out today, that's all."
Shino's fist curled in frustration. "You never felt like going out ever since Ken-"
He stopped himself in time. It had been a somewhat unspoken rule that no one will mention Kenji's name in front of Kaori.
"You just don't hang out with us anymore, Kaori." Shino restated.
"I'm always with you guys!" Kaori protested. "Just not now, okay?"
"Yeah, you're with us but your mind's always someplace else." Shino squatted in front of Kaori. "We really miss the old Kaori. We want her back."
Kaori's lip trembled. "I know. I want her back, too." She hugged Shino lightly. She stood up and left.
"Damn Kenji." Shino muttered. Then, turning to look at no one in particular, he said aloud. "Why did you have to leave anyway?! Look what you've done to her!"
"No, I think the question should be, does she know what she's done to me?" A voice behind Shino retorted back.
I hate you for the things you do but I love you And curse you for your beauty, that makes me make some poetry 'bout love And I don't think you even think about me If only you were smiling, and if I was your reason Tomorrow, I could die
Without turning around, Shino grinned. Something heavy had been lifted from his heart.
I can only pray my absence will change you Pretend that you're the one who needs my love But you celebrate, 'coz yes why should you miss me? When you know darn well I'd die, just to bring us together
And this is not a love song, don't even think it's your song.
Hate
Rivermaya
*** God, I hate cliffhangers!! :p Don't you just? Hehehe.. At least we all know who the mysterious voice belongs to, ne? Kawaii is happy so she can't make a bad ending. She just hasn't thought of a good ending yet. Teehee..
Do you think that to be rational is not to be in love? I mean, I personally think that loving doesn't mean losing your sensibility.. Just a little!! Hehehe.. just a random q, I guess.. ^__^
Anyway, I think I should go back to writing now.. Hungry readers first, then I can pack my stuff. My mother has been nagging me endlessly. _
Arigatou for reading minna!! :) You guys are the coolest!! Please review! I know I'm into Rivermaya right now. I dunno.. I just like their old songs, I guess. And their drummer, Mark Escueta!! *^^*
Eherm..
Any questions, suggestions..whatever.. mail me: Kristina_mae.agulto@up.edu.ph or krissy@teenagedirtbag.com or himura_kawaii_07@yahoo.com or Text me 0917 4087755 I have load! ^___^ Gomen ne to those whom I wasn't able to reply to!! ::kawaii bows::
Himura Kawaii
Chapter Ten
Part One
*** Disclaimers apply... Blah blah. RK's not mine. Hail the Great Watsuki- sama. I'm now a college stud, but still poor!!.... Don't sue me! ^_^
Well, if you're happy then I'm blue 'Cause I'm not so far, but not with you And I can't see, why we can't see each other I telephone but you're sleeping forever
"Kaori?"
"Ne, Yoshi?"
Yoshi peered into Kaori's tear-streaked face and sighed. She hadn't spoken a word since they left the airport, nor had she made any attempt to wipe the tears that were constantly flowing out of her eyes.
He was REALLY worried now.
"Do you want to stop somewhere and talk about it?"
Kaori shook her head without even turning to look at Yoshi. "Iie."
"What do you feel Kaori? Tell me." Yoshi put some force into his words, hoping to get through to her.
But Kaori just shook her head, pretending to focus on driving. The snow was coming down a bit too strong now and it took some effort and slow driving to be able to get through. In Yoshi's opinion, Kaori shouldn't even be driving at this state, and at her state.
"Kaori, please, I'm worried about you." Yoshi was now pleading. "Please stop crying. Please Kaori..?"
Kaori suddenly turned on an empty parking space and stepped on the breaks.
She buried her face in her hands and started to sob loudly. Her whole body trembled as she cried. Yoshi removed his seat belt and hugged her tightly as if to keep her from falling apart and breaking into pieces.
"Ssshh niichan.. It's going to be okay." Yoshi stroked her back in a big brotherly way. "It's going to be okay." He repeated.
Kaori broke the hug and stared at Yoshi like a lost girl. "But it's not. Can't you see? He left. He's gone. I pushed him away."
She choked back the words and a fresh round of tears spilled on her cheeks.
"I hated him, I loved him.. I didn't know what I wanted. And now that I do, he's never coming back." Kaori furiously wiped her face with the back of her hand. "It's all my fault."
Yoshi didn't know what to say. Sure, he and Kaori were siblings and he cared for her more than he would ever admit, but he never really knew the extent of the happenings between Kaori and Kenji.
He wasn't aware how much Kaori loved Kenji.
"You didn't know how much you loved him 'til now, did you?" He found himself blurting out.
Kaori looked down at her hands. "I thought I could never love anyone more than I love Arashi."
Yoshi nodded. He understood everything that happened between Arashi and Kaori. There was an unspoken understanding regarding that matter.
Kaori continued. "But then, when Kenji came, he triggered something in me. He stirred up my emotions and made me confused. I'm still confused, Yosh. All I know is that I wanted him back so badly."
Kaori sighed and managed a weak smile while a tear fell.
Yoshi shook his head in a knowing way.
"Nii-chan?"
"Aa?"
"Maybe that's why he didn't stay."
Kaori raised an eyebrow. "Nani?"
"Maybe that's why he didn't stay. Maybe he knew that you still didn't know how you felt for him." Yoshi explained. "There's no certainty there, you see?"
Kaori stared straight ahead. "But is there certainty in anything?"
"Then you should've went ahead and told him how you REALLY felt. To be certain is to be rational. And to be rational means not to be in love." Yoshi argued.
Kaori had to smile at this remark. "Since when did you become an authority with these matters?"
"Oh, I have always been an authority on everything, busu!" Yoshi retorted. "At least I made you smile, ne?" Yoshi reasoned while Kaori tried to whack him.
"Ne, Arigatou Yoshi-CHAN." Kaori retorted as she started the engine and they drove towards home.
"Kaori?"
"What now?"
"Are you okay now?"
"No, I'm not." Kaori paused. "But I guess I will be."
"And when is that?"
"Soon."
"Oh." Yoshi looked at his window and let out a breath. He stared at the flakes of snow falling down on the road.
It had just started to snow. Winter had just begun.
Was pain like the seasons? Does it pass with time? Do you leave everything behind?
Yoshi continued to stare unseeingly. He knew too well that 'soon' wasn't coming soon enough.
Spring seemed so, so far.
A month passed.
Two months.
Still nothing was heard from Kenji.
Three months.
Everyone has moved on.
Three painful months for Kaori.
The gumi is worried. Her activities and schoolwork have been slipping.
She hasn't been eating a lot, her mom observed.
Could she be coming down with something?
Yoshi is uneasy. When was 'soon' going to happen?
Dark circles have started to appear under her eyes. This is not good, Arashi thought.
Nothing wrong with her body, the doctor said.
Should she go to a shrink?
Misao is scared; even Meimi doesn't know what to do.
Kaori is falling apart.
It's been raining like the southern army where I stand
Is it sunny where you are?
Is it Sunny Where You Are?
Rivermaya
"Kaori, what's up?" Arashi lightly asked Kaori as they walked to school that day.
"Nothing much.." Kaori answered listlessly. "Just the same everyday stuff.."
Arashi frowned. "No, I meant, what is up with YOU?"
Kaori looked at Arashi innocently. "I'm good, I guess."
"No you're not. Don't you think it's taking you a bit too long to recover?" Arashi stopped in front of Kaori.
"I don't want to talk about this, okay?" Kaori pushed Arashi aside.
"No. We need to talk, YOU need to talk." Arashi insisted, blocking her path. "I am supposed to be your closest friend. And then Kenji leaves and suddenly, we don't know what's going on with you."
"Can we just drop it?" Kaori asked hotly. "What do you want mo to say? That I tried to stop him from leaving but he left anyway! Is that what you want me to say? That I fell in love a bit too late? That I'm going through hell just because of some guy who came and left!"
"He shouldn't have come, Arashi! He shouldn't have. But he did. He left. When he left he took my heart with him. He took my pride. He took everything without even knowing it. I have nothing left, Arashi. Is that what you want to hear?!?!"
Kaori fell on her knees, weeping. Arashi wrapped his arms around her, not knowing how to comfort her, not knowing what words to tell her.
Kaori managed to stop crying, but she still continued to talk. "Do you know how this makes me feel? I wake up every single day, hoping each day is better than the last. But no. I see him everywhere I turn. I am reminded of what could have been if it hadn't been for my stupidity. I am haunted by the thought that he and that Tomoe had gotten back together. Even the memory of her face taunts me."
"Even going to school annoys me. What's the point of studying hard when there's no one to beat?" Kaori smiled bitterly. "Without realizing it, he has become a big part of me."
Arashi clung on to Kaori as she shook with all these repressed emotions.
God, if she knew how much he wanted to take her pain away and keep it for himself. He wanted her to be happy, the way he was now happy with Misao.
"I can't live with myself knowing how much I wasted, knowing how much I pushed away." Kaori looked at Arashi, seeming to look for answers in his ice blue eyes.
Arashi didn't say a word; he just kept on shushing Kaori and holding her close to him. He didn't know how to help her.
He was hoping, that somehow, his presence would help ease the pain.
"You still want to go to school?" Arashi asked as they stood up. "I could take you home. I could even watch over you."
Kaori shook her head and clutched Arashi's hand and squeezed it. "Iie. We're going to school. As long as I have you guys to back me up, I can manage."
Arashi nodded. And took her bag.
But it just isn't enough, ne Kaori? He thought to himself. You need him.
"I'm okay." Kaori insisted as Shino asked her for the hundredth time that day. "I just don't feel like going out today, that's all."
Shino's fist curled in frustration. "You never felt like going out ever since Ken-"
He stopped himself in time. It had been a somewhat unspoken rule that no one will mention Kenji's name in front of Kaori.
"You just don't hang out with us anymore, Kaori." Shino restated.
"I'm always with you guys!" Kaori protested. "Just not now, okay?"
"Yeah, you're with us but your mind's always someplace else." Shino squatted in front of Kaori. "We really miss the old Kaori. We want her back."
Kaori's lip trembled. "I know. I want her back, too." She hugged Shino lightly. She stood up and left.
"Damn Kenji." Shino muttered. Then, turning to look at no one in particular, he said aloud. "Why did you have to leave anyway?! Look what you've done to her!"
"No, I think the question should be, does she know what she's done to me?" A voice behind Shino retorted back.
I hate you for the things you do but I love you And curse you for your beauty, that makes me make some poetry 'bout love And I don't think you even think about me If only you were smiling, and if I was your reason Tomorrow, I could die
Without turning around, Shino grinned. Something heavy had been lifted from his heart.
I can only pray my absence will change you Pretend that you're the one who needs my love But you celebrate, 'coz yes why should you miss me? When you know darn well I'd die, just to bring us together
And this is not a love song, don't even think it's your song.
Hate
Rivermaya
*** God, I hate cliffhangers!! :p Don't you just? Hehehe.. At least we all know who the mysterious voice belongs to, ne? Kawaii is happy so she can't make a bad ending. She just hasn't thought of a good ending yet. Teehee..
Do you think that to be rational is not to be in love? I mean, I personally think that loving doesn't mean losing your sensibility.. Just a little!! Hehehe.. just a random q, I guess.. ^__^
Anyway, I think I should go back to writing now.. Hungry readers first, then I can pack my stuff. My mother has been nagging me endlessly. _
Arigatou for reading minna!! :) You guys are the coolest!! Please review! I know I'm into Rivermaya right now. I dunno.. I just like their old songs, I guess. And their drummer, Mark Escueta!! *^^*
Eherm..
Any questions, suggestions..whatever.. mail me: Kristina_mae.agulto@up.edu.ph or krissy@teenagedirtbag.com or himura_kawaii_07@yahoo.com or Text me 0917 4087755 I have load! ^___^ Gomen ne to those whom I wasn't able to reply to!! ::kawaii bows::